| ++ EIGHT ++ |
| Lynne stared at her son with tear filled eyes. He looked so tiny in Lance's bed, so much like the child she used to know, the same one she sent off all those years ago to join N Sync and become the international star he was. Now he appeared unglued and so terribly miserable it made her want to crumble. Justin cringed when she entered the room, worried that her wrath would distance their relationship further. He balled up a corner of the fluffy comforter and looked away. "Mama, I'm sorry," he whimpered, watching as huge teardrops splashed onto the bed. She rushed over, wrapping him up in her arms. "Honey, no. I'm not mad baby." She rocked him gently as he weeped on to her shoulder. Dampness spread over her shirt and she held him tighter. "I was afraid you were hurt in the fire Justin." Her own tears held at bay as motherly instinct kicked in. "Baby, you have to talk to me when things are bothering you. I didn't know it would affect you like this." Lynne tried to draw away and look into the big azure eyes she created to reassure him, validate her love in some way. Justin wouldn't let her go. He clutched her harder and let out a loud sniffle. "Shh, it's all right." Sighing heavily, she turned her face to the heavens. "God, give us strength." "God doesn't love me anymore," Justin whispered. "I'm not the same person I was all those years ago mama. I've done things I regret. I haven't been as good as I should have been." He bit his lip hard to control more words from making their escape. The last thing he wanted was for his mother to know just how bad the last tour had been, and just exactly what he meant with those words. Groupies, drugs, and drunkenness were three things that rated beyond low on Lynne's list. Never mind what he did to Britney. "God loves you, Justin," she said, extracting herself. She cupped his face in her hands. "God never abandons us no matter what. As long as you believe and love, he'll never let you go." She pushed a curl from his forehead and kissed him. "You want to stay here with Lance?" "I do. I'm still upset about home. Not that I don't love you or expect you to forgive me right now but I need time to sort out some things. I need space. I'm not feeling well at all." He hated to worry her further but the truth was he felt very unstable, like a time bomb about to erupt further. She was the one who decided he was too old for her to worry about anymore. She was the one who dashed off leaving him alone. She was the cause of his running away. He needed to be away from her and work through anger and hate so he could return to being her baby. "I want to stay here for a while." Lynne nodded uncertainly. "If you're sure." She stood up not daring to push him further. "Can I call you?" Her eyes welled with tears now and she pressed them shut. "Maybe, but not right away." He took a deep breath and stared out over the balcony. He almost lost it all out there. His life could have flickered out in one insane moment of weakness and sorrow. His heart hurt so fiercely he feared a heart attack. Placing his hand over it, he returned his gaze to her. "I'll call you when I'm ready okay?" "Okay." There was nothing more she could do. As a man, she could no longer force him to go. "If you need me, call. Please Justin?" Justin nodded noticing how frail she looked suddenly. This rock, his heroine for so long actually looked weakened. He realized he put that look on her face, that sad helpless look. "I love you mom." "You too baby." She choked on the words as she exited the room, shutting the room behind her. Justin sat for a long while listening to the murmur of words being exchanged downstairs. He could hear the bass in Lance's voice and the high pitch of his mother's voice with an occasional input from Joey. He thought of Britney with regret. He'd never touched anyone with malice before. Her frightened face was emblazoned in his mind and a pain rode through his heart again. Reaching for the phone, he dialed her number wondering what the hell he could possibly say to make things right with her. She was the light in his universe and to have destroyed her trust in him was too much for him to comprehend. There was no answer so he tried her cell. Only a chipper voice mail picked up. He hung up, deciding he really didn't know what to say, how to make things good again. Depression seeded itself once more in his head and he curled down in Lance's bed closing his eyes. Tears leaked from the corners, dripping onto his pillow. "Fuck," he hissed, rubbing at them. A black hole was quickly enveloping him and he was scared, fearful that he would never be allowed freedom to climb out of it. |