| "Do you think you'll ever fall in love?' Lance rolled over onto his stomach, still breathing heavily, little drops of perspiration glistening on his forehead. He let his eyes close for a moment, and concentrated on slowing his heartrate. The question posed to him would just have to wait, if he decided to answer at all. What was it with women asking that question? Why was love so damn important to them? He felt the touch of her caress along the small of his back, and her soft breath on his neck. Turning his head to face her, he smiled. "I don't know," he replied, pressing his hands underneath his pillow. He was tired, mostly from the energy it took him to have sex, and wanted nothing more than to fall asleep until morning. There was so much to do, and he didn't want to feel obligated to continue to speak. "You don't know?" she asked, snuggling her naked body closer to his. He frowned. He felt so sweaty and the last thing he wanted was another body radiating heat onto him. A shower beckoned, but he was so comfortable, he didn't want to move. Lance let out a deep sigh. "Yeah, I don't know. Look, it's been a really long day, and I'm wiped out. Do you mind if we just sleep now?" He felt her pull away a bit, obviously hurt. It made him feel badly, but shit, he needed his rest. He didn't invite her along to talk all night. If he wanted that, he could talk to a fan, or a member of the road crew. Her body escaped from the bed, and he heard her footsteps disappear into the bathroom. He hoped she didn't expect him to follow. His eyes wouldn't even stay open. In moments he was snoring lightly, sound asleep. From the bathroom doorway, she stared at him, tears stinging her eyes. Why she put up with his shit was beyond her. Love? No. Lust for sure, but underneath it, she really cared about him. Rational told her she was just a plaything to him, only being called when the lonliness crushed him too much. It didn't matter. At least she got to be with him, even if it wasn't a relationship per say. Fucking someone, and dating someone were two different things, things he never let her forget. "Hurry up!" Lance called, shoving his personal items into his overnight bag. She'd been holed up in the bathroom for nearly 40 minutes. "Alright already!" she yelled back. He stared at the bathroom door, a feeling of unrest falling upon him. Maybe it was time to cut her loose. Maybe six months of her was too long. Sitting on the bed, he bit at his nails, pondering the idea. She was cute, no dobut, and very accomadating, flying out to be with him at the drop of a hat, and discreet, he'd give her that. And it wasn't like he didn't care about her, of course he did. He just didn't love her. Nothing wrong with that. She was good for those lonley stretches of time when he was horny and wanted a warm body to stay with him. Much better than a groupie. At least he could trust her. "I'm ready," she said flatly, staring over at him. Involuntarily, her heart skipped a beat, and she drank him in, sitting on the bed clad only in his boxers, his hair flattened to his head from lack of gel, his green eyes so deep this morning. She bit her lip and inhaled sharply. "Where are we going?" Lance slid from the bed and rushed into the empty bathroom, knocking things around in a panic. "We're going to a Children's Hospital to hand out early Christmas gifts, then to a radio station for some promotional activites, then soundcheck." He poked his head out and looked at her. "All your stuff packed?" She nodded wordlessly, pulling her shoes on. She knew in mere moments she would be shoved in the tour bus, hidden from everyone other than N Sync employees, while Lance rode in a limo to his engagements. She'd be lucky to get five minutes alone with him all day, but then, once the show was over, he'd be hers again, for just a little while. She checked around the room for anything either of them might have forgotten. Not seeing any stray items, she grabbed her jacket and put it on, waiting for the loud knock at the door, the knock that would send her back into the real world, and the real reason she was even with Lance. As if on cue, Chris' loud bang rang through the room, sending Lance scurrying to the door, toothbrush in hand. "Be right out!" he smiled through the foam that cascaded around his mouth. "Hurry. We still got JC MIA." Chris entered the room, sipping from a mug of coffee. "Hey, when did you get in?" he asked, stepping over Lance's sneakers. "Last night," she said, grinning. Chris was her favorite, well, next to Lance. He always welcomed her visits with genuine happiness to see her, unlike the others, who she felt veiwed her as an unpaid whore. Chris scooped her up in a hug. "It's going to be absolute madness today," he laughed, using his best British accent. "But, Dani's here, so you can hang with her." That made her feel much better. Dani was just like Chris. Easy going and friendly. She didn't care what people said about her, and was fiercly protective of her friends. "Let's hit," Lance said, shoving his toothbrush in the side pocket of his bag and cramming his feet into his sneakers. A quick wink in her direction, and they were out the door. Of course, she was instructed to wait in the lobby until the members of N Sync were escorted to their limo, through the hords of fans who waited patiently outside the hotel for just a glimpse of their idols. So, she did, standing quietly against the wall. She watched carefully as Lance headed out into the craziness, never even bothering to check on her. Sadness crept up on her, and she longed for more. This wasn't enough anymore. Having him hold her, caress her and be so intimate with her at night, then act like a total stranger during the day was heartbreaking. No, it was more than that. It was wrong. She pressed the bridge of her nose, willing back more tears, and looked down. She agreed to it, he wasn't holding her against her wishes, and really, she knew she should just walk away. But walking away would mean no more Lance, and that was not a pain she could face yet. Once the limo was off, security returned for her, escorting her to the bus where Dani was already. She smiled happily when she saw her there. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as she thought this time. "You okay?" Lance asked her, shaking a towel through his damp head. The bus jostled them from side to side over a particularly bumpy part of road. Forcing a smile, she nodded. "How much longer until the next hotel?" she asked. Her ears still buzzed from the roar of the crowd at the show earlier and while she'd had a long talk with Chris girlfriend, her heart still ached for something. He tilted his head and stared down at her. "I guess an hour or two." Grinning mischeviously, he took her hand. "Wanna come take a shower with me?" The little boy look in his eyes sent her reeling. There was no way she could say no to him, not even if her commen sense did catch up with her. The thought of being wrapped up in his arms under a hot spray of shower sent her on fire and she nodded, letting him pull her up and into the tiny bathroom. "Where's Joey?" she asked, hoping he'd leave them alone for a while. Lance peeled his clothes off, pausing briefly to turn the water on. "Busy with a female friend," he answered, pulling his hand away sharply when the hot water burned him. "Shit!" he hissed. "Aww, let me kiss it," she cooed, taking his finger into her mouth and sucking lightly. His eyes rolled back, and he moaned, enjoying the feel of her on him. She watched his face as it glazed over with pleasure. Oh, she could pleasure him, she knew just what he liked. But once she was done, that's when her pain started. Just a little mention in an article that he was at least seeing someone, that's all she wanted. Over and over he explained to her that he couldn't admit that, there would be too much read into it and he'd be put through hell. Nevermind her, he wasn't concerned about her going through hell. Although he never said that, she knew it was true. He wasn't outwardly a cruel person, in fact, he was the nicest person she knew, just oblivious to her feelings. She pressed her frown back and took off her clothes, resigned to the fact that his hold on her was too great, she had no will power to fight it. Stepping into the shower with him, she let herself get lost in his world, his caresses and expert touch. Maybe love wasn't in his stars. Maybe she could learn to let go. As he pushed her back against the shower wall and dropped to his knees, she twined her fingers through his hair. It didn't pay to think about it, not now. Lance laid in his bunk, his arms wrapped tightly around the sleeping figure next to him. Kissing the top of her head, he stared at her, so peaceful, so beautiful. Her naked body felt so perfect next to his, and he wondered if he could make a commitment. Maybe not with her, but with someone. She had proven to be kind and true, and while he didn't think he could love her, she showed him that maybe he could love someone. He knew what he had to do, he had to release her and let her go, let her find someone who would love her like he knew she wanted to be loved. Sighing with unrest, he closed his eyes and snuggled down under the weight of the comforter. She was too sweet to be treated like this. Everyone needs love, and while she was great, never questioning him, or denying him, she would be better off with the frequent cuddles and 'I love you's' that accompanied love. Making up his mind, Lance felt a sadness rise inside him. Letting her go would be difficult, for them both. Hopefully, it was the right choice. He wasn't real good at making those. But this was an unselfish act. Dani had mentioned earlier how deeply her feelings ran, making him feel like a first class heel. In the morning, he would do it. That was that. One more night of togetherness, of having this, then he would do it. Unexplainably, tears pulled at his eyes, and he wiped at them, afraid of the pain he would cause her. "So that's it?" she cried, her fists clenched. Lance nodded, looking away. He couldn't stand the hurt in her crystal blue eyes. "I think it's best." She swallowed hard, never imagining that he would do this to her. All last night, as soon as they'd gotten to the hotel, he'd held her, been more tender than ever before, more 'loving'. She imagined their relationship was taking a more meaningful turn, but it was all a facade. He was giving her a memorable send off. "You're a sick fuck," she hissed, throwing her things into a bag. The tears cascaded down her cheeks uncontrollably, and she sniffled loudly. Lance could barely look at her. "I'm sorry," he tried, "I just think you deserve more from a relationship than this." She glared at him, hate and contempt filled eyes challenging his. "You're all I ever wanted, you know that? You're what I dreamed of. I knew you were using me. Shit! I'm not a moron!" The words rang clear in Lance's ears. Using her? Was that what she thought. "I never used you," he defended himself. "This was a mutual thing." Right? He blinked hard, wondering if he was wrong. "Oh yeah. Fucking mutual. Hide the whore. Is that mutual to you?" Her voice was at a near scream, and she shook her head. Lance sank down on the bed, shaking his head. "Oh my God. That's not it at all. I just thought you would be better off finding someone who you could fall in love with instead of wasting your time with me. That's all. I just thought..." "I love you," she whispered, barely audible even in the stillness of the room. Lance snapped his head up. No one had ever uttered those words to him and meant it. His heart sank, because truth be told, he wasn't sure what the fuck love was. Speachless, he bit on the inside of his cheek and avoided her gaze. "Okay, well, that's what I thought," she sobbed, tossing her bag over her shoulder. "See ya aound." She flew to the door and hurried into the hall, slamming past Justin and JC, ignoring their confused words directed at her. She took the staiwell down to the lobby and rushed through the doors, past the fans who managed to still be there, and down the unfamiliar street to hail a cab. The tears blurred her vision, and her heart ached with a ferocity she didn't think was possible. "Screw you!" she screamed up at the hotel when she was far enough away. "I hate you!" From his window high above, Lance watched her take off down the street, and his heart ached as well. He never wanted to put her through pain. It had all started for fun. He was glad he let her go at this point. Love. She loved him. Definately glad he released her. Behind him, he could hear JC and Justin bang on his door. Back to the grind. Time to forget and go on. |
| RELEASE ME by Destiny |