| "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way." "Lance, would you mind? I'm not in the mood for Christmas shit right now." "JC, you're a grinch. You need to lighten up." "Shut up." "Make me!" "You're such a child!" "I'm rubber, you're glue..." "Lance! Shut up!" "Fine." And so the road trip continued. Almost ready to break for the holidays, and JC was still in a bitter mood. No amount of friends or family could cheer him up, not this year. Last two shows approaching quickly, then holiday time. He didn't want a break. It scared him. Breaks meant time for fans to forget you. Never mind the dozen or so public appearances they'd commited to. Performing would be gone for a while, and that was just the time when new acts could sneak up and replace them. Silently, JC placed headphones over his ears and tapped on his keyboard trying to come up with a solid hook for a new song. Lance's chipper mood had made his sour one even worse. Thank god it was only Lance and not Justin, or worse Chris. Joey wasn't bad around the holidays, but the rest of them were impossible with their Christmas carols and good cheer. "Bah humbug," he sneered to no one in particular. With Lance safely in the front of the bus, JC buckled down and tried out some new lyrics, singing sweetly aloud, praying that he had enough time to get this last part down before the next city. Once the madness started, he'd forget and loose his momentum. Hours later, the large entourage of tour busses rolled into the city, already alive with the excitement of the holidays combined with the last two shows of the No Strings Attached tour. JC stared out the darkened window at the hoards of screaming fans crowding near the bus. He shook his head and wondered why no one had ever gotten seriously hurt after all these years. Grabbing his overnight bag and his recording, he stood near the front of the bus, waiting for security to clear his path. Lance stumbled down the aisle, tripping into him. "Sorry," he said, grinning. JC groaned as he turned to see a Santa hat perched atop Lance's head, proving he was still in the Christmas spirit. "You're ridiculous," JC snorted, turning away. "And you're a pain in the ass. What the hell is wrong with you this year? You usually love Christmas." Lance took a step back and shook his head, frowning. JC was not acting right, he was too tense for someone his age. The bus doors opened and security motioned for them. "Let's go, gentlemen. We have three cleared and we're waiting on you." JC nodded and took a deep breath. The more fanatical the crowds got lately, the more panicked he seemed to get. He jumped off the bus and tried to remember to smile. From behind, he felt the firm hands of his bodyguard guiding him toward the hotel through dozens of clawing hands and loud shrieks. He could hear Lance chuckling from behind, enjoying the chaos. His eyes focused on the lobby doors and he quickened his pace, wanting nothing more than to get there in one piece. Spying Justin, Chris and Joey in the lobby, he made his way over, Lance close behind him. "So, we're doing a radio interveiw tomorrow morning. When is the meeting with the production team for the awards show?" He pulled out his electronic organizer and started punching in times as his four friends looked on. "You need a valium!" Chris laughed, swatting at his hand. "Chill out, man!" "Yeah, it's almost over. Damn!" Justin let his bag slip off his shoulder and onto the floor. "Nice hat, dude!" Lance straightened it and grinned. "JC hates it. In fact, I don't want to ride on the bus with him anymore. I'm jumping in your bus when we go!" JC pursed his lips, sick of this banter, all at his expense. "You know what? Fine. I don't want you on my bus! You all travel together and I'll worry about the future of our group by myself!" He turned on his heels and stormed toward the desk, grabbing his room card, then headed down the hallway to his room. Lance sighed. "He's been a real pain in the ass," he admitted, swiping the hat from his head. Joey rolled his eyes. "Christmas ain't his groove this year I guess." It was late, and JC's eyes burned from the intensity with which he worked on his new song. He knew that his friends were out clubbing, excited for the holidays and a nice break from touring. They had stopped by his room to ask him to join them, but he declined, now he wished, just a bit, that he had gone. The hotel suite seemed so lonely and vast, and even with his computer on, the silence was deafening. Walking to the window, he cracked a small smile as he noticed snow flakes start to fall. The best part of being north this time of year was the snow. He let his mind drift back to his childhood, and snow days. Mom would bundle them up and they'd run out in the yard making as many snowballs as they could. They they'd build a snowman, or a snow fort, depending on the weight of the white stuff, and when they could no longer feel their toes, they'd hurry inside for hot chocolate. The images that danced in his mind made his heart swell and his body grow warm. Memories were a good thing. They kept you focused. The jingle on his cell phone drew him back to reality, and with one last look out the window at the postcard like scene, he rushed over to his coat and picked up, glad to hear his mother's voice. "Joshua, are you alright?" she asked, hearing distance in his voice. "Fine mom. Just tired. The end of the tour is always like this. So, how's everything going for Christmas plans? Still at Grandma's?" "Actually, your father and I were planning a trip this year. To Europe. We've never been and thought since you kids are older now.." JC didn't hear anything else. The one thing he'd counted on being there, being the same, was going to be gone. Depression filled his soul and he sank down onto the bed, hearing the hum of his mother's voice as she excitedly talked about plans, plans that didn't include him. "Anyway, I gotta go," he finally broke in. "I'm so tired and we have a lot to do." He couldn't bear hearing anymore, and if that made him selfish, so be it. "Honey, you sure you're okay?" "Fine. Really. I'll call you when I'm back home in a few days." He hung up, feeling more miserable than he could ever recall feeling. Tossing himself back on his bed, he ignored the tears that stung his eyes and reached over to click off the solitary light that had been on, plunging him into darkness. Alone. ---------------------------------------- "Wake up, my son!" JC rolled over, wiping absently his mouth. "Go away," he grumbled. "You must come with me." The voice floated closer, and JC let his eyes flutter open. Standing beside his bed was his grandfather, but it couldn't be since he had died years ago. He blinked hard, and pushed himself up a bit, completely confused by this. His eyes burned and he rubbed at them, wondering if this was a bad dream, or if one of the guys had tried to dose him again. "Let's go," the voice said, staring down at him. "It's going to be alright, Joshie." JC's mouth dropped open. His grandfather was the only person to ever call him that. The only one. He scrambled from the bed, terrified but curious. "It can't be you. Is this a joke?" His blue eyes grew wide with uncertainty, and he trembled when the apparition reached for him. "Remember you heart, Joshie. Just follow it. I would never hurt you." JC inhaled deeply, a tear pooled in the corner of his eye, and he reached for the man, taking his hand. It felt real, surprisingly so, and there was some comfort in that. "Where are we going?" he asked, his voice reverberating in his head. He sounded young, like he was seven. The exact age he was when his grandfather died. Fear slowly slipped away as his grandfather lead him to the window and passed through it easily. The two floated high above the clouds, through the stars, and JC closed his eyes at the feeling of peace that fell over him. The ride was high, and he pondered the idea that maybe the guys had slipped him something. After all, seeing dead people and flying like fucking Superman, well, that was not normal. Or maybe it was a dream. A vivid, true to life dream. Naw, couldn't be. He didn't dream. Not ever. "Where are we going?" he thought, but the words were heard, and the man holding his hand smiled back at him as the territory beneath them became terribly familiar. His old neighborhood, his old house, the one he'd lived in as a boy. In the quickest of seconds, he was standing inside watching himself on Christmas morning, his mother and father sitting on the couch holding hands, his siblings on the floor gazing up at him. Being the oldest, he always handed out the presents from Santa. The fireplace was roaring, and JC thought if the true idea of Christmas could be captured, it was this scenerio; a happy family spening the morning together. After presents would be church, the a huge brunch at Grandma and Grandpas. "Why are we here?" JC asked, as he moved around the room wistfully, wishing he could jump in and truly relive it. He noticed a big gift sitting behind the tree and hurried over to it. "It's my guitar," he gasped, watching as his younger self busied himself with other gifts. "I loved this guitar. My dad bought it for me. It's how I fell in love with music!" "Now we must go," the grandfatherly figure said. "But hold this joyous feeling deep in your heart. When you close your eyes, you will see it, you will feel it." JC nodded and joined the man as they floated high above his home and back into the night sky. "We will travel now, to a place you will know. You must understand how much your friend's love you. That is important." Soon, they were back in the city where N Sync was to perform it's last two shows. JC looked down and could see the club his friend's were at, the bodyguards and security scrambling about to keep order. At a small table roped off from the rest of the VIP room, Lance, Justin, Joey and Chris sat, each nursing a beer, seemingly deep in thought. "What are they saying?" JC questioned, straining to hear. The older man brought him closer, and JC leaned in. "I just don't get him," Justin shook his head. "He's a mess. What can we do?" Chris sipped from his beer and sighed. "If he would just let us bear some stuff instead of trying to do this alone." Lance nodded. "He's not alone. He's got us. But I'll be honest. I don't know how much longer I can deal with him. He's a real dick lately." Joey grinned, letting out a little burp. "I could take him to a strip club. Maybe he could get laid." JC frowned, staring at his grandfather with embarassed cheeks. "I'm sorry. He's a little bit wacked." His grandfather nodded, unamused. "Well, while I disagree with your friend's words, he is onto something. Love. You need some of it in your life." "I have love," JC defended himself. "Mom and dad and..." "No, no, no. You need the love that only a woman can give you. Not just a random woman, a woman who is out there waiting to steal your heart and hold onto it for you." "I just don't have time, or energy," JC explained, glancing at his friends once again before being lead back into the night sky. "It's not that I don't want love, I just.." he searched for the right words. "I can't be bothered, I guess." "And, that, my son, is not normal for a man your age." Sympathetic eyes fell upon him. "Joshie, you are meant to be in love. Your heart and spirit are much wiser than you think. Love will enrich your life. And you could stand to treat your friend's better too. They love you. They are the only four people in your life who understand you, truly. They live your life, everyday. Do you understand what I'm telling you?" JC nodded, numbly, trying to process everything. Maybe he did need a partner in life. It seemed all he ever did anymore was hook up with groupies, or meet girls who said they liked him for him, then started making demands. He sighed, vowing to try harder, let some of his walls down. And be nicer to the guys, for sure. "You may be frightened by what I have to show you next, Joshie. But I am here. Right beside you." JC squeezed the man's hand tighter as the desended from the clouds into a sprawling mansion, clouds thick and grey hanging overhead. Spears of lightening shot from the clouds, threatening to hit the roof. Inside, an older version of himself sat alone in a wingback chair next to a dying fire with a listless Christmas tree nearby. "Is that me?" JC gasped, hardly recognizing the haggard figure. "It's what you could be, Joshie, if you're not careful. This could be you." JC walked around the marble floor, several gold records hung on the wall. A well stocked bar graced one side of the vast room, and he noticed how quiet it was. "Where's my family?" he croaked, noticing there were no friendly photos hanging about. "Gone. Pushed away by you." "No. I wouldn't. I couldn't." He stared at the empty bottle of Jack Daniels by the chair, and the glass mirror piled high with white powder. The very idea of his future sent horrifying shivers through him, and he desperately tried to climb out of the window. "Take me out of here!" he screamed, clawing at his grandfather with wide eyes. The figure in the chair leaned over and produced a handgun. JC watched carefully as the older version of himself opened his mouth and placed the nozzle inside, fingering the trigger, then, finally, pulling it. "NOOOOO!" JC screamed, as the blood splattered everywhere. He felt the pain, the lonliness, the sheer madness of it all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "JC! JC!" JC rolled over, drenched in sweat. "No!" he shouted, jumping up. "Shit! He's freaking!" Opening his eyes, he saw Justin and Joey standing over him, concened looks on. "You okay?" Joey asked. JC clentched the pillow to his body and struggled to steady himself. "Where am I?" Justin frowned. "You're in the hotel. We've been trying to wake you for an hour. Radio interveiw?" JC closed his eyes tightly. Radio interveiw? "What time is it?" Joey bit his lip, staring over at Justin, then back at JC. "It's eight am. We're running late. Your wake up call went unanswered, and we had to find someone to let us in. Lance and Chris went ahead to stall, but you have to get up." A smile spread over JC's features, and he rubbed his chin, feeling the night's stubble underneath his fingertips. "Give me ten minutes," he grinned, heading for the bathroom. Justin stared after him, a worried look on his face. "He's loosing it," he whispered to Joey, who nodded in agreement. When they heard him sing Jingle Bells, they really started to panic. In the shower, JC felt better than he had in weeks. The weight of the world placed into perspective for him, as it was not his to bear alone. He had family, and friends, and he was planning on cherishing them more. The very idea he could end up like that man in the mansion, so desperate, so hurt....it killed him. He was going to be the best Christmas spirit of them all. On the way to the limo, he stopped and signed autographs, posed for pictures, and hugged several fans, all the Justin and Joey's dismay. "What?" he asked innocently, as his friend's looked on with confusion. "I'm just letting my fans know I appreciate them is all." Justin chuckled as he signed a CD cover. "Whatever." JC grinned happily. It was going to be a very merry christmas after all. |
| HOLIDAY JC by destiny |