I've made a total fool of myself! How the hell could I behave like that? Why didn't someone stop me? I shouldn't have had those drinks.

When the ambassador told me that he had arranged rooms for us on the planet side, I thought it was a very good idea. That way no one would have to worry about reporting back to the ship in time. From what I could tell, the parties here could go on all night.

The rooms were located in a nice hotel near the beach. The problem now is that I didn't wake up in my own bed this morning. No, the bed belonged to a man; I knew that as soon as I woke up. There is something special about a mans smell… Anyway, when I turned around, I got one of the biggest chocks I've ever had. The bed didn't belong to any of the locals, thank God!

It belonged to one of my crewmembers.

It was your bed I woke up in! You had your arm draped around my waist and I was snuggled close against you. It was among the most wonderful feelings I've known. I have dreamed and fantasized about so many times, and when I finally get in that position, I panic.

What have I done?!

At first I just laid there, watching you sleep and enjoying the closeness between us. Then I realized I had to get out of there, the sooner the better. I crawled out of bed, carefully so I wouldn't wake you. I searched the room fro my clothes and finally found them, lying under the bed. I put them on and hurried out. I ran all the way down to the seaside.

Once there, I flopped down on the sand and cried.

I cried for many different reasons. I had made love with the man I loved, and I knew I wouldn't have the chance to do so again. I cried for the fact that I had had too much to drink last night, which had resulted in absolutely no memories from our night together. And I had always hated women who jumped in to bed with someone else's husband. Now I had done the same thing. Of course, you and Lea aren't married yet, but it is only a matter of days. I cried for myself, and hated what I had done, even though I wouldn't hesitate to do it again.

When my tears began to dry, my anger took over. I'm angry with you, how could you do this to me? I was drunk, and you were probably too, but you should have been strong enough to say no. How could you cheat on Lea like that? I realize I have the greatest double-morale on this one, but I can't help it.

The sun began to rise, and I got up and brushed the sand off my clothes. I walked barefoot on the shore, and felt the cold the water beneath my feet. I think it was what I needed to clear up. I strengthened myself, and put my captain-mask on. When I reached the beam-out place, I met some junior officers. The small talk they were engaged in faded away as I came closer, and I could see them tense. Normally, I would have made some jokes to make them relax, but I couldn't today. I just touched my combadge and transported back to Voyager.

I didn't meet anyone in the corridors, and once safe back inside my quarters, I let out a sigh of relief.

And now I have told everything to you, my dear diary, just like I did when I was a teenager and had troubles… And I still feel much better once it's out. Some things never change.

I'm going to take a long soak in the tub now, and then get ready for duty. I dread that moment when I will have to face you on the bridge. How do you feel about this? What do we do now? Are you going to tell Lea?

Many questions, but no answers.

On second thought, I hope you do tell Lea. I don't think she would want you after sleeping with me, she doesn't seem like one of these women who are able to forgive unfaithfulness.

That would be good for me. Maybe I still have a chance with you then.