I immediately jumped as soon as I realized the doorbell ringing wasn't in my dream. I walked downstairs as the banging got louder along with the doorbell. Apparently the second coming of the Christ was going to be at my house.
I opened the door to see Chellie standing there, obviously distraught, and let her in. I felt so bad realizing I'd let it affect her, too. My decisions were far from rational as of late. "I'm sorry..." I started to say as we sat down on my couch.
"What's going on, Ashleigh? Normally I'm good at understanding what's going on in that pretty little head of yours."
"Chel... I wasn't supposed to... just... ugh.." I sighed.
"Wasn't supposed to what, honey?"
"FEEL ANYTHING!"
"Oh..." Chellie replied.
We sat in the silence for few minutes. "He's really driving you crazy?" I asked, quietly.
"Up a fucking wall, babe."
I leaned against the couch, and sighed again. What the hell was I supposed to do? What the hell could I do? "Why do I suck at life?"
"Well there is that whole White Stripes obsession..." Chellie said, trying to lighten the subject.
I stood up and walked in to the kitchen grabbing bags upon bags and bringing them in to the living room. "I went decoration shopping."
Chel opened the bags of stuff, clearly impressed with what I'd bought. She set the stuff aside and sat up. "Here's the deal... You're going to talk to Nick. We are going to have this party. And you are going to have a fuckin' blast, because I've spent too much time on this damn party for it to go to hell at this point. And if I have to spend another night listening to his mopey whining ass I will choke him, in a very violent way. Am I clear?"
"I'll talk to him tomorrow." I gave in, the last thing I wanted was for this to be screwing up things for Chellie, too.
"No, you'll talk to him tonight." she said, pulling out her phone, and texting Nick. "Because when he doesn't sleep, I don't sleep."
I pulled my hair back and tied it in to a messy bun, knowing it was going to be a long night. I made me and Chellie some tea and went through the stuff I'd bought while we waited for Nick to show up. She'd been really pleased with everything I got, and talked about ideas for places to set things up when the doorbell rang. We both got up to answer it, Chellie with her keys in hand. I opened the door to see Nick standing there, looking extremely tired. "I'm just going to let you two talk. Call me tomorrow." Chellie said, before bolting out the door.
I watched Chellie practically run out before realizing Nick was standing in front of me again. I barely looked at him, and opened the door enough for him to walk in, and shut it after he passed me. We stood in my hallway, in the awkward silence before Nick finally spoke. "Can I hug you?" he said, almost timidly.
I nodded, trying to fight the tears, not even knowing why I felt the sudden urge to cry. Nick stepped closer to me and put his arms around me, and I put my arms around his tummy. He was gentle at first, and then squeezed me really tight, like I was going to run away if he let go. I squeezed a little more, too, loving the way it felt, but hating myself for it.
-----
"I'm going to quit my job, I swear to god." I sighed, wrapping up the ankle of a football player.
"Come on, Girl, then I'd have no one to fix me while I continue to ignore doctors orders." the football player.
I started to unravel the pre-wrap to put around his ankle, smiling, "boy, you're gonna end up in a wheel chair one day. You can only have so many surgeries until they stop working."
"So what's got you in a tizzy, baby? I been watchin' you wrap me up way too long to know that face, and I know when something's wrong." Jeff said.
"I'm good... Just friend stuff." I said, concentrating on his ankle.
"Look more like boy stuff to me... E'ry time mah little sister be lookin’ like that she got boy problems."
I couldn't help but giggle at his gangster drawl, "Just confused is all, babe. Now you need to NOT play on this for another week."
"It's about that Nick guy ain't it? Girl, why you trippin ova him when you know you got a real man waitin for ya right here?" Jeff said, wincing at the pain of the pressure I was applying on his ankle.
"Because as much as I love you, doll face, I might lose my job, and that means no source of income, which means Ashleigh loses her house, and lives on the street." I smiled, loving to joke around with this boy. He was, without a doubt, one of my favorites.
"These are all minor details we can work out, Im sure you could live in the dorm with me, Coach will understand, I'm sure." He smiled, cheesily.
"Oh, I'm sure." I laughed, rolling my eyes.
"But for real, Girl, what's goin' on with him? What's he got you so bent outta shape for?"
I sat back, finished with his ankle, and sighed, "We kissed a couple of weeks go, and it scared the hell out of me. At first it was just a jealousy tactic, and then it I started to feel something... and it's just... not supposed to happen like that with Nick. He's the type of guy who will promise a girl the world to get her in bed. And I'm the girl who needs stability."
"Well ya gotta give him a chance, maybe he's for real. I don't know a brother who would give up a friendship like ya'll got for some booty, know what I'm sayin?"
I nodded, knowing he could possibly be right. But how do I stop myself from pushing him away?
-----
"So, Mr. 300 was telling you all this?" Chellie asked, not believing something believable would come out of Jeff's mouth. Chellie knew most of the football team very well. I'd been helping out the team since before I'd gotten my athletic training degree, and formed pretty close relationships with the boys as they filtered in each year. Jeff, in particular, looked like he belonged in the movie 300 as one of the massive warriors.
"Yeah, weird, I know. But he had a point. I just... Chel, what happens when he decides he's done with me? What happens if he wakes up one day and suddenly says 'woops, this was a mistake,' I hate the idea of him not being around one day." I replied, stepping on the ladder, continuing to decorate the venue.
"It's one of those things you just need to feel out, Sweets. But most importantly talk to him about, 'cause talkin to me about it isn't doing you any good."
-----
I sat on the floor of the studio, with my legs spread, and my cheek pressed to the floor. I had the entire building to myself, and yet I was doing nothing with this alone time that I usually would have utilized. I picked up my phone, staying in the same position and started randomly going through it. I looked in my videos and started watching them. One after another and they all featured Nick. Even though things weren't as tense, I still hated that it was kind of akward between us. Things were still unsettled. I went through my contacts and found his name.
"Hey..." I texted to him.
Less than 30 seconds later my phone vibrated with a message from Nick. "Hey! how r u??"
"I'm ok.. alone at the studio... you?"
"Alone 2..."
I thought for a moment then decided that maybe Jeff was right, we really did need to talk. "Wanna come to the studio?"
"Sure. Unlocked?" he texted back, almost immediately.
I replied yes, and then just waited for him to arrive. It took less than 10 minutes by foot from either of our houses, so I figured he'd be here in a matter of seconds. I looked up when I heard the doors open, and propped my head with my hands leaning on my elbows.
"Hey." he said, walking in to the mirror filled room, looking down at me.
"Hey." I replied, quietly.
"You okay?" he asked, sitting in front of me.
"Most days..."
He gave me a weak smile, knowingly. "I feel ya."
"Nick..." I started. "Tell me what to do, here. Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it, because I have no idea what you want from me."
"I can't do that, Ash. You gotta want it. You gotta want it as much... as much as I do." he trailed off, suddenly afraid of the response he might get.
"Why do you do this to me, Nick? We were perfect as friends, and then that kiss just had to be amazing... and make me want you even more... but... I can't handle being your friend with benefits, Nick... Damn you!" I said, getting myself worked up again.
"What makes you think I just want to be friends with benefits?"
"I've seen the way you treat girls, come on, now." I sighed.
"But this is different. Ashleigh... when we're together you make me feel happy. Genuinely fucking happy. When you smile it's like things are okay again, even when they are too fucked up to even fathom. You can't say that this isn't going to work, because you felt something, Ash. When we kissed, you felt it, because I felt it too. It's like we're right together, and I love the way that feels. Just give me a chance to show you that this isn't a mistake." He pleaded.
I bit my lip and looked at him. His eyes were so blue, and I saw the man that I knew when we'd met. The good man that I knew was insie him. I couldn't help myself, I grabbed his shirt and pulled him to me, bringing his lips to mine once again.
-------
CHELLIE
We had agreed to meet the day before the party to decorate, so we had time to see how everything looked and then stand back and be pleased, rearrange everything or go out and buy all new stuff, depending on how it turned out.
While waiting for the two of them to show up, I’d taken everything out of the boxes and bags, and arranged it according to placement … ceiling décor in one pile, things that go on the floor in another pile, wall hangings stacked on a chair, and things-I-didn’t-know-where-they-went were laying on the table. I had no idea what else to do with myself while I waited for them.
I wondered what had happened, since I’d been to Ash’s house. I hadn’t heard much from either one of them, which was all kinds of weird. I dropped into a chair and looked at my watch again… I was honestly getting kind of pissed. I could only assume that since they’d spoken, things had … worked out?
I didn’t know how I felt about it… I guess it had always seemed so unlikely, I’d never entertained the thought enough to know how I felt about it. Nick and I had been hooking up for years… and there had never been any kinds of issues, maybe because it was always so casual. He was my best guy friend and we just happened to have sex sometimes. But what happened if my little ‘sister’ and he started something? What was that going to do to our relationships? And who was going to get me through the dry spells?!?
---
Three hours later, I stood in the middle of the room, admiring my creative vision. I was pleased with the way everything had turned out… it looked pretty awesome even with the lights on and sunshine peeking through the window, so when it was dark and the blacklights were on… it should be nothing short of amazing.
At that point, I didn’t care what Nick or Ashleigh thought of what I’d done… if they couldn’t be bothered to show up to help, they got stuck with whatever I did. Of course, if they were smart, they’d fawn all over me and the way I’d decorated like I was the best thing to happen to Halloween since chocolate candy and dry ice machines.
I checked everything one more time and then left, locking the door behind me, and taking the only key that the guy we’d rented the place from for the night had given me. They’d just have to wait until tomorrow to see the results. At least I’d been smart enough to grab all the decorations from Ash’s house… otherwise everyone would have showed up to a very bare room.
I wasn’t entirely sure what it was that had me in such a snit – if it was that I’d been either forgotten about or just blown off… or that I was pretty sure what they’d been doing that had caused me to be the sole executioner of the decorations. Something about the idea of the two of them not only dating, but... having sex… sort of freaked me out. Had it been weird for Ash to know the things that Nick and I had done? I couldn’t say I was anxious for her to tell me about having experienced “the cyclone” that was sex with Nick. I mean, yes, of course she deserves sex that good, but… damn… why’d it have to be with him?
I didn’t feel like I was jealous even… because a relationship, like a real boyfriend-girlfriend thing, with Nick was not in the realm of possibility or even desire for me. I liked what we had and I was content with it. I liked what all three of us had had. But if they hooked up… for real… where did that leave me?
----
As the evening wore on and I still hadn’t heard a thing from either one of them… I was well into the “beyond pissy” stage of Chellie’s Levels of Anger. And, I was ready to find a date for the party, as I intended to ignore both of them for at least the better part of the night.
I sat at the kitchen table, making a quick list of every guy that I could think of. When I’d exhausted all the names in my mental Rolodex, I started looking more seriously at the ‘options’ and trying to determine who might actually be available. I crossed off a couple guys that I knew had girlfriends – or would at least make one appear for the night – and then I moved on to the ones who’d be expecting more than a kiss to make their night worthwhile. I’m not one to deny that the possibility of getting lucky is always there… but when I know the guy expects it already… nope… not getting it from me. By the time I’d used all my other factors of elimination, I had three guys left on my list… AJ (I admit, I have a little crush on him), Nick’s friend Chris (cute in an odd sort of way), and one of my neighbors, Brendan (who I always thought was hot and Nick never really seemed to like). It seemed a little too complicated to bring in AJ or Chris, even though… why shouldn’t I mess with one of his best friends? He’s fucking around with one of mine! I crumpled the piece of paper up in a ball and threw it into the trash can, smug about my excellent shot, and went to check myself in the mirror. I needed to make sure I looked the part if I was going to tempt Brendan into being my Halloween treat… I mean, date.
----
Four hours before the party, my phone rang. Without even looking at the caller ID, I picked up. As soon as I heard Ash’s voice on the other end, I instantly regretted picking up the phone. But maybe she’d called to apologize.
“Hey, are you gonna come over and help me get ready?” she asked.
Or maybe she hadn’t. “Nope. I’ve got my own stuff to take care of.”
“Oh.. I just thought … I mean, we always get ready together…” I could tell she was caught off-guard.
“Well, obviously things aren’t the way they’ve always been anymore.” I said, snippily.
There was silence on the other end of the line for a minute. “I guess I’ll see you later,” she finally said.
“If you show up, I guess you will.” I hung up, feeling a little bit bad about having been so snotty, but I was still pissed.
On my way home from decorating, I’d stopped to get a new costume… I was, oddly enough, no longer particularly caring to show up looking like Nick’s nautical-themed wet dream. I went to my room and laid my costume on my bed – garter belt, fishnet thigh-hi’s, black patent hooker heels, itty-bitty pinstriped skirt and low-cut jacket, wonderbra for insane amounts of cleavage, and a black fedora. Just call me … well, The Godmother doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, really. Whatever, I was going to be one hot gangster.
I messed with my hair for a little while, trying to figure out what was going to look best with my fedora. I felt totally indecisive about everything and began wishing I did have someone else for a second opinion. It was weird getting ready without her… we got ready for everything together… giggling and sharing make-up and helping each other out. I guess I was going to have to get used to this… but I didn’t have to like it.
----
My doorbell rang and I went to answer the door, flinging it open with my most seductive smile on my face. I was pleased with the look on Brendan’s face when he saw me. Mission accomplished – I looked good. Even going it alone, I felt everything had turned out quite well. I was having a stellar hair-and-make-up night.
“Hey Brendan… glad you could join me…” I said, moving out of the doorway so he could come inside.
“Me, too!” he said, probably more enthusiastically than he meant to.
I eyed him as he walked past me… he looked pretty damn good tonight, too. Nothing fancy – just a white lab coat and scrubs with a stethoscope around his neck – but it was working for me. “Are you ready to go, doctor?”
“Yes, ma’am…” he paused, “I have no idea what to call you.”
I thought for a second, “Yeah, I have no idea… the only thing I’ve ever heard about female gangsters is the Bella Mafia… but that was also a really terrible movie, so I’d probably just leave that alone.”
He shrugged, “Whatever.”
I went to gather the few remaining things I needed for the night and ushered him back out the door. “C’mon, doc, let’s get a move on.”
---
Brendan and I were the first ones there, as I had planned on, with the dj pulling into the parking lot right behind us. I wanted to make sure everything was just right and put up the finishing touches… a few more cobwebs, another bouquet of black roses here and there, a little more fake blood splattered on the floor. I turned the blacklights on and the fog machine while Brendan helped the dj set up. The dj had brought these awesome lights that flickered like lightning and pretty much made everything about this set up awesome.
A few of Ashleigh’s friends arrived first, asking where she was. “Hell if I know.” I replied and headed over to the door, to greet people as they arrived.
A good hour after we’d said the party was going to start, I spotted them… Nick and Ash had arrived together, walking across the parking lot, holding hands. I rolled my eyes, but waited until they were close enough that I could see what Nick had decided to wear. When I could finally really tell what he had on, I just mumbled “there is no fucking way” and walked away from the door. It was time to mingle.