Wow… this is … crazy. It JUST occurred to me, about an hour ago, because of Shaun, of all people… that my birthday is in two weeks. I normally start a countdown at least at the beginning of the month and I just hadn’t even noticed yet. Not that I’ve been distracted or anything….
Shaun was asking if there was anything special I wanted to do for my birthday (apparently he’s already got my present bought, which just astounds me)… and I was like, oh my god, my birthday IS coming up.
What does that say? That I, Miss YAY IT’S MY BIRTHDAY Girl, have gone so nuts I didn’t even notice the day approaching.
Damn boy.
But god this too-swoony-to-notice-anything deal is SO fun.
July 20
First I practically forget my birthday and now I have a ton of plans for it. Shaun and I are doing something just the two of us, because I never hang out with JUST him anymore.. and while I’d never admit it to him, I miss that. Of course, I’m doing something with the girls… they are apparently, like me, YAY birthday! people… and then Nick and I are doing something. He won’t tell me what he’s got planned but he’s up to something.
In some ways, it really bugs me that I can’t just show up when I go out with Sage and Co. and be like “this is my boyfriend!” but in other ways, I kind of like not making a big deal over it. But it’s only been a few weeks. I may well feel very differently if this lasts very long.
Speaking of Nick (who is still perfect and adorable) I’ve been relieved to find out (I actually found out a while ago and have just failed to mention it, but talking about birthdays has reminded me) he’s not as young as I thought he was. I’ve actually only got a couple (well, like, six) months on him. I was thinking he was about 18 like my brother or thereabouts… but he’s 20, thank god.
He’s actually coming over here tonight (Shaun’s got to work late and then will no doubt hook up with someone, but I’ve told him he CANNOT do it here tonight)… I think the plan is ordering in and watching “Braveheart”… and while I love that movie, I do hope to miss most of it tonight. All day.. every time I walk by the couch… I can’t help but think of lying there, underneath him and just kissing him for hours. (Okay, admittedly, a few… or maybe most… of my thoughts have gone further than that). I LOVE kissing him. The way he puts his arms around me or touches my face, the way he’ll pause to pull away and just look at me (and then go back to kissing me!), or if he’ll try to be all sneaky and surprise me with a kiss… Yeah, I’m obsessed with this now. Kissing him is officially my new favorite hobby.
Also, I cannot believe that I go back to school in less than a month. That’s CRAZY. I mean, it seems like yesterday I was worrying about finding a job and keeping myself occupied for the next three months… and now, I’m like, god, I’ve got no time! I had basically planned to try to keep my job once school started again – maybe one of two nights a week and then the weekends, but now… I have no desire to that. I mean, it’d be great to have a little extra money… but I keep thinking… that’s time I could be spending with Nick. WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO ME??? I’ve become one of those crazy girls whose life revolves around a guy! I hate those girls!
But… at the same time… I can’t remember a time I’ve ever been this consistently giddy and just… happy/excited all the time.
Sage keeps asking me what’s going on… she’s noticed the insane peppiness… I told her I was taking new vitamins. How lame is that?? I didn’t know what else to tell her though. We still have lunch together everyday when we can… she’s busier now than she used to be, so sometimes we don’t get a chance… but more often than not we do. I don’t know if it’s just been being paranoid or what, but I feel like there’s this weirdness between us sometimes, like she just KNOWS there’s stuff going on that I won’t tell her about. And that bothers me. I’d love to tell her… I need a girl friend like that… Shaun can’t be everything for me…. but I just wouldn’t even know where to begin really, now.
July 29
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! 21!!! LEGAL!!! (for all the things I already do anyway)
Mom and dad called this morning… 3:56 AM… the time I was born to wish me a happy birthday. I was not entirely amused with that. However, they did tell me they mailed a present that should be arriving soon, so I forgave them.
Headed out the door… busy day with the girlies… more details later…
August 1
I go back to school in less than three weeks. That’s crazy.
Okay, the birthday round up.
The first celebration was with Shaun, the day before my birthday. We just spent an entire day together doing things we liked doing when we were little. It was a very fun, very sweet day. I’m glad we got past that OHMYGODIHATEYOU stage we were going through a few years ago. We went to breakfast, hit the zoo and the aquarium (I PET A SHARK!!! And a stingray, but that’s not as impressive as a shark), bought kites and flew them on the beach, came home and watched “Goonies” – I still remember going to see that at the theater with Shaun… we got in trouble because he kept throwing candy at other kids- and we even managed to fairly reasonably replicate Mom’s crazy fried-potatoes-and-hot-dogs recipe (so bad, but SO good!). Really, it was just the coolest day. So simple… pretty cheap… and I loved it.
On my actual birthday – after my wake-up call from mom and dad I never really did go back to sleep, which was fine… since Sage, Merry, Holly and Jovan showed up at 8:30 AM to pick me up. We went out to the spa/salon Anais works out, and they had it all set up for us to get the full pampering treatment – hair, nails, massage, make-up… it was AWESOME. We went to lunch after that and then went shopping so we could all grab new outfits for going out later that night. We all went back to our respective homes to get fully skankified, then met back up at Holly and Merry’s for a little pre-party before we went out and HIT EVERY FUCKING BAR IN YBOR. They bought me this ridiculous headband thing that had a giant 21 on it, so I got in free everywhere… and because we were easily the craziest people out there that night.. we got A LOT of free drinks. I’m sure that Jovan flashing the bartenders helped, too.. but it was insane. We started about 9 pm… and I had Shaun carrying me back into the house from the cab they sent me home in about 5:30 AM.
Honestly, I’m a little surprised I didn’t end up with alcohol poisoning or something. I’ve drank more this summer than I expected I’d imbibe in my entire lifetime. While I realize alcohol is not necessary to have a good time, I AM having more fun than, well, ever before these days. I’ll just blame it on everyone else…. All those bad influences.
Shaun fixed me up though, poking Tylenol down my throat and making me drink a ton of water and eat some bread before I passed out in bed. I felt okay when I woke up (before noon, oddly enough)… much better than I expected to. Which was good, because my Nick-celebration was that evening and I was NOT going to miss that… even if I was 7/8th dead. By the time he came to pick me up, though, I was in pretty good shape.
And… oh god… as much fun as I had with Shaun and the girls…the time with Nick THAT is how I will always remember my 21st birthday.
He came by about 5:30… I still had no idea what his plans were… but I was SO anxious to see him.. we’d still been talking, of course, (except for my actual birthday, which kind of sucked… but since I was gone all day I just didn’t have a chance, but he left me a cute message) but I hadn’t seen him in almost a week.
Since he’d given me nothing to work with, I was actually still getting ready when he got here… I’d changed clothes about 7693 times, and was on outfit 7694 when the doorbell rang. I went to let him in… and just like always, he caught me by surprise. I can’t help it… it’s just like BAM all of a sudden he’s there and I can’t breathe.
The sun was shining just right- his hair looked really blonde and it was going everywhere… his eyes were sparkling… that smile… just… damn. He had on a pair of cut-off cargo pants/shorts and a tank top from Old Navy. I laughed. He’s got more money than some small countries and he’s still shopping at Old Navy. I love that. (Also loved that there were no sleeves… I love his tattoos) After I see what he’s got on (and give him a quick kiss), I assume this is yet another low-key casual night (which is FINE… I’m just glad to be with him) so I run upstairs and change yet again - jean shorts and one of those tank-tops with the built-in “support” that somehow actually makes my boobs look better than when I’m wearing a bra. I grab the obligatory scrunchie and flip-flops and pronounce myself ready.
While I have been upstairs… he has put the most insanely beautiful bouquet I’ve ever seen on the kitchen table. It’s HUGE for one thing… made of roses, which he knows I love, of course…. There’s pale yellow on the outside, then brighter yellow, yellowish-orange, straight-up crazy orangish, and then red at the center…21 roses in all and a few random little wild-flower looking things in various shades of red-orange-yellow throughout. It’s SO bright and so beautiful… I’ve taken probably 10 pictures of it. (And when Shaun saw it, he said, “HOLY SHIT!”.)
At that point, of course, I wanted to practically pounce on him, which I just about did… wrapped myself around him and just let him hug me. I just love the way he feels… very safe, very solid… just so comfortable and so right. Of course, awesome hug -> awesome make-out session, and when it’s been a while, there is just nothing better. (Well, at least nothing better that I’ve experienced thus far)
He pulled away from me and gave me a kiss on the nose (so cute) and asked if I was ready… dude, I was ready for all sorts of things… but I just said “yes” and left the rest up to him.
We went out to Clearwater… to the marina…. I was a little confused – I know he’s got his own boat (pardon me, cabin cruiser) so I wasn’t entirely sure why we were going to the marina out there. Well, we were there because he’d rented a sailboat… an actual, adorable sailboat – complete with goofy captain- to take us on a sunset sail. (sighs. God it’s goofy-smile inducing just remembering it) I was SO excited… I’d never been on anything but a little speedboat, so that was awesome. We snuggled up on the deck- reclining against him is just the BEST thing ever – and talked about the night before.. he wanted to make sure I didn’t have any birthday hook-ups… I assured him he had nothing to worry about. We got further out into the Gulf and then I find out he had dinner waiting for us, too… courtesy of Crabby Bill’s. How much fun is that?? So we have dinner (soooo good) on the deck and then went to sit on the edge, letting our feet dangle over. We watched dolphins again and sailed until the sunset… it was SO BEAUTIFUL… even more amazing than it looks from the beach when you’re just out there on the water with nothing else around you… the way the colors of the clouds reflect off the water and it’s just… wow.
As it got darker we headed back to the marina (and, admittedly, most of that trip was spent horizontally… I’ve decided I have GOT to have sex on a boat someday… I was… THOROUGHLY enjoying just kissing-and-groping, though. There’s a lot to be said for kissing until you’re breathless… and when his hands can bring you to full body-goosebumps…. (I gotta stop with that or I’m not going to be able to finish this entry).
After we got back to the marina- he headed off back to downtown… into Ybor. I was thinking, what the hell are we doing here? He pulls up behind a building… I’ve got no idea where we are… we’re sneaking in the back entrance… of Monique’s. Yes, that Monique’s. The tattoo studio/body piercing place. I am curious.
He tells me he knows I’ve been talking about getting a tattoo since I was 18 (we had a convo about that once… me wanting to get ink… after I was admiring his)… so he thought tonight would be a great time to get one. At that point, he could have talked me into anything… so I said, sure! And then I was like, what the hell am I supposed to get? And where do I put it?? I guess I’d always thought about getting one, but never followed the thought through far enough to work out the details.
I looked through the flash lining the walls and the artist portfolios while Nick chatted with one of the artists that he knew. I kept getting ideas – too many of them – and I just didn’t know what to do with them. Nick snuck up behind me… put his hand on the small of my back and I just about melted… right then I knew where I wanted it… he asked what I was thinking of and I didn’t know where to start… I’d gotten a very specific idea… I wanted something that symbolized a specific idea to me… beginnings. I really felt- have been feeling- that I’m at a stage of major “new-ness”. Like I’m just coming into a new phase, a new place in my life, even sort of becoming a new person. I love this…. And I’m at the beginning of something that I feel has so much potential with Nick… I leaned against him – my head against his shoulder and then I figured it out. I wanted a sun. I asked him to sketch something for me… He came up with this awesome design, the center of the sun is sort of a spiral and the rays are jagged… it’s beautiful. So, I now have a sun on my lower back… I love it… The actual process wasn’t really painful… it sort of surprised me, the feeling of it. I was warned they’re addictive… that I’ll want another one soon. We’ll see. He held my hand through the whole thing… kept watching what they were doing and was telling me about it… the running commentary was fun. He liked it… he told me more than once it was sexy. Guess I’ll just have to wear things so he gets to see it…
After that was done… he took me to his house. It was nice to finally get to see it… the place is AMAZING… but at the same time, it was weird being there… where the influence of another woman is SO apparent, even though I know she’s not there anymore. We ran to 7-11 for Slurpee’s and crashed on the couch, watching “Pulp Fiction” … we fell asleep on the couch all tangled up… falling asleep next to him … and then being able to wake up with him… I loved it. It was perfect. (there’s that damn word again… but it just fits.)
I hate that I’m trying to do it… but it’s like I’ve got to put a label on these feelings… as carefree or reckless or whatever I’ve become… I can’t get away from that super-analytical/logical part of me… what is this? I’ve got a boyfriend. I adore him. I feel beautiful and amazing and crazy when I’m with him. I want to be with all the time. I love that he pays attention to the things I say and do… and that he wants me to do the things I want… that he encourages me.. and that I feel like I’m the person I want to be, should have been all along when he’s around.
That’s definitely enough for now.
August 4
Shaun cannot believe I’ve got a tattoo. He’s decided he’s got to get one IMMEDIATELY, as he cannot let his big sister one-up him.
Pool party at Anais’ parents last night. Problem… tattoo cannot be submersed in water. Wasn’t going to miss the fun, though, so I went and just laid around… claiming I needed sun more than I needed to play water volleyball.
Of course, having a swimsuit on, the new ink was very visible and EVERYONE had questions about it. I just kept saying, “… decided it was time to do it…” failing to mention exactly WHO made that call.
I so desperately wanted to tell them… or at least tell Sage about everything that’s been going on… I want to tell someone about why I’ve got this tattoo… who was with me… the night I had with him… but I just can’t. If I told her… it wouldn't be fair to her to ask her to not tell the others, especially Jovan, that she’s known forever… just to keep this silly secret for me. But it’s like… god… if it’s already like this now… that I have so much I want to tell… what will it be like if it keeps going? If things get more serious… I’m only going to want to talk more. Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen? Girls are supposed to sit around and tell each other all the cute/sweet things their guy has done for them??
But I agreed to these circumstances… So, I just don’t say anything.
August 7
It might be too “soon”… it might seem too fast… but I can’t help it… I know it’s true…
I’ve fallen in love.
There. I said it.
I think I saw it happening the first time I looked in those eyes… but I know it’s happened now. I love him. I feel it every time I look at him. Every time I hear his voice.
I always wondered what this would feel like… how it would be to say it…
I’ve fallen in love with him.
~~~
Desiree snapped the journal shut, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, brushing away the tears that had been escaping.
She remember those feelings so well… the falling in love, being in love with him… because, she knew, she still WAS in love with him. And deep down, guessed she always would be. She’d known from the beginning that there was so much between them… she couldn’t imagine ever finding or having that with someone else.
She straightened up in the chair she’d been slouched down in, looking for a clock. It was almost 5 AM.
She knew she should be in bed… she’d never survive the day’s workshops… but she wanted to keep reading. Let herself stay lost in the feelings of all that hope and new-found love… back at the beginning, back when everything WAS perfect.
She got up and stretched, aware that if anyone had been standing behind her, they’d have been able to see that sun… her symbol of that time in her life. Suns… the beginning of a new day… the early hours of dawn… the earliest hours of morning had always been their time… her and Nick’s. It had just always seemed to work out that way… somewhere between 3 and 6… they’d started and ended dates then, had some of their best conversations… and most mind-blowing sex… it was their time.
And now it was just her. Alone. Miserable. And still so in love with him.