I don’t even know where to begin… so much has happened in the past few days.
At work, Sage randomly got “promoted” to assistant manager when the last one got canned for some reason – there’s all sorts of gossip, but no one actually knows what happened. So basically she gets paid more for doing the same thing… but she’s in charge of scheduling now… which means extreme cushy-ness for me and her. Which may definitely work out to my advantage… which will be explained shortly…
At home, Shaun got reprimanded for his slutty ways at work… apparently a few girls are having the verbal equivalent of a catfight over him… being all bitchy and junior-high-ish… and when the manager confronted them about it, found out it basically came down to Shaun.. so he’s been forbidden to “date” anymore of the Hooter’s Hos… or he’ll get fired. Of course, this has made him an instant legend among the frat boys.
Also, Jovan says has no recollection of the puking-on-the-shoes incident… we didn’t remind her… we just asked if she remembered meeting Nick… she says “no” and was a little pissy that she met him and doesn’t remember… so either she really DOESN’T remember or she’s just managed to repress it already. And she’s seen Adam every day since the 4th.
Okay, now to the crazy part… Nick.
He called me AT WORK on the 6th, to ask if he could meet me somewhere after I got off… so I was thinking, whoa, this must be important. I spent the rest of the afternoon in a total snit because I was antsy, wondering what the hell was going on. Every possible thing went through my mind- they’re engaged, she’s pregnant, he never wants to see me again… and part of me was just thinking, this is stupid. Why the hell AM I seeing him again? Sage kept asking what my problem was and I felt bad brushing her off, especially after she knew it was whatever the phone call had been about that changed my mood so much. She asked if I wanted to get a drink after work.. and again, had to tell her no, even though I know she was just concerned and wanted to get me to chill out. I just couldn’t though. I practically ran out of the building when my shift was finally over.
We agreed to meet on one of the little fishing “beaches” along the Causeway on the Tampa side… definitely not the kind of place anyone would be looking for anyone… or at least anyone that was under the age of 65 and not fishing. I thought it was random, but whatever… no one was going to bother us there.
He was waiting for me when I got there… he was sitting on the tailgate of the truck, swinging his feet, looking out over the ocean. I jumped out of my car as soon as I got it parked and took a deep breath. I don’t know what it was- I guess just not knowing what was coming… I was SO apprehensive. As I got closer, I saw that he had a small bouquet of pink roses sitting next to him and a basket of something. I swear my heart just stopped and … I don’t even know what it did… but I don’t know that I’ve ever been hit with THAT much hope about ANYTHING all at once. I don’t even think getting my letter that said “hey, you’ve been admitted to UT” got that much of a reaction. He’d turned to look at me when I pulled up and I tried to stay cool as I saw the stuff, but I probably didn’t pull it off as well as I was trying to. He slid off the tailgate and held his arms open for a hug as I got close to him and I just melted. Melted. He kissed the top of my head and then let me go… I was not nearly as apprehensive then… I couldn’t imagine him telling me he never wanted to see me again after a greeting like that.
He sat back down on the tailgate and pulled me in between his knees and handed me the flowers. I took them and inhaled – I LOVE the smell of roses … it’s sweet without being too much… and it’s just so… optimistic… like a promise in flower form.
When I looked back up at him, fully anticipating a kiss I was totally caught off guard by the way he looked… suddenly shy… his eyes down… eyelashes almost resting on his cheeks… just the faintest hint of a blush across his face… he looked back up at me and then pulled me to him for the sweetest kiss… I can’t even describe how it felt… but it was so different from the others… and then he leaned in to whisper in my ear… close enough his breath was warm and ticklish on me… and said “this can be real now.”
I step back, what??
He motions for me to sit next to him, so I hop up on the tailgate, too… my heart just pounding… like, does he mean what I think he means?
“We broke up”
He’s SINGLE. He tells me that they broke up before the BBQ actually… he just didn’t want to tell me yet… because he knew how that evening was going to go… he said he felt so bad about it … knowing I was watching…and what I was seeing. But he explained it, basically. They need each other… she needs him to get her career going and he said he needs her… for “us”. Us? Yeah… if by all appearances, they’re still together… that means I could still have a life… go to school, etc without having people all up in my business… but we could have a relationship.
I can only imagine how I must have looked at that point.. my mouth was hanging open, eyes wide… I couldn’t believe he’d put that much thought into this. That much thought into ME.
Before I could even process that though, I need to know what had happened… why they actually broke up. Did she know about me… or what was it? He said it was a long time coming… they’d broken up before and kept getting back together… they were in love at one point, but somewhere along the way it just stopped working and they both knew it. So they started talking about it and it kind of came around that she still felt like she needed him to some degree… and he told her he was interested in someone else… and they came up with a mutually agreeable decision… appear to have a relationship, however fucked up it may be… but if people still thought they were together… that’d leave him some sort of peace to try to be with me.
I couldn’t help it… I got all teary. I just couldn’t believe it… and I asked, even after all he’d said, “you want to be with me?”
He nodded and said, “Yeah… more than anything I’ve wanted in a really long time.”
I died. Right there. Just died.
He smiled at me… one of those the-entire-rest-of-the-world-just-faded-away smiles and put his hand on my face and asked if I wanted that… for there to be an “us”.
HOW COULD I SAY NO TO THAT??? I couldn’t. I didn’t.
Actually, I didn’t SAY anything… I just nodded.
He leaned in and gave me another kiss and then reached into the basket- pulled out two glasses and a bottle of champagne (the basket had ice in it… he thinks of everything). Tells me he thought we should celebrate. I couldn’t believe any of it was real.
He’s like a dream… but even when I do dream… they never turn out THIS amazing.
So we sat and sipped champagne… watched some dolphins playing around in the water… some kids on jet skis… and just talked…. I ended up leaning into him and he had his arms around me… and everything just felt… perfect. Like that was how it was supposed to be.. just us. We talked about how things might be… keeping everything secret… we won’t be able to go out and parade around all over the place… which is fine with me… I don’t want that… I just… (I can’t believe I’m about to say this) I just want to be with him. To know him better. Keep whatever that feeling is that I feel when I’m with him.
We talked until the beach patrol guys came rolling by and ran us off… I invited him to come back to the house (since going to his house was obviously not an option, she still lives there… they haven’t figured that part out yet). I couldn’t help but giggle the whole drive home… I was just SO giddy… (although I think part of it was the champagne… we finished off the bottle and I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch)
Thankfully Shaun wasn’t home when we got there. We decided to be adventurous and make pizza from scratch… wow… that was a culinary disaster waiting to happen. It turned out semi-edible… but making it was SO much fun.
I hate to use this word – especially to use it again- but it’s just PERFECT. I guess every relationship starts that way, though, then eventually the ooey-gooey feelings subside and reality sets in. But for now, I’m going to enjoy this for all I can.
He makes me glad that I didn’t waste time on other guys. I said that I didn’t want to get involved with someone I didn’t think had potential… there would have been no point. And now, I feel justified. I was right. Well, it was right for me, at least. I’m pleased with the decision… because it brought me to this place.
I didn’t get to see him the next night, since I had a pre-scheduled girls night. But I did talk to him on the phone. On the way there. And on the way back. I couldn’t help it! I had to talk to him at least once… and when I start talking to him I just want to KEEP talking to him. About anything. Everything. And then some.
They were all ragging on Jovan about being all silly over Adam when I got there. She was like “DESIREE!!!” when she saw me, desperately trying to divert attention from herself. So, of course, they all turn to look at me.
And then, Merry asks, “Are you high?”
Uhhhh… no…. (Giddy again? Yes. Smitten? Yes. High? No.)
This makes the other girls inspect me very closely and Anais pronounces that I DO indeed have a different look about me. I wanted to either cover my face and hide or just start squealing “IGOTHIMIGOTHIMIGOTHIM!!”.. neither of which was an option, obviously.
I roll my eyes and feign offensive at such a silly question…and immediately direct the conversation back to Jovan and Adam. This works fairly well, but I notice all of them, especially Sage stealing looks at me for the rest of the night, trying to figure out just what it is I’m hiding. I’m sure it was suspicious as hell, every time the conversation even came remotely close to any subject that could involve me, I did my best to steer it far, far away from me.
I couldn’t help but think… that that part was going to get old really fast. The secrecy. I’d have to lie. I wanted these girls to be my friends.. but it was going to come down to secrets and lies a lot of times if I kept things going with him. And I hate that idea… that’s not what friendships are about. But what else can I do? I want this (him) so badly now…
Last night we met at the nature preserve – I picked up McDonald’s on my way down there- so we had a little picnic, watched the sunset and talked more. I am convinced he is without a doubt the most interesting person I have ever known. Not just because he’s seen more than basically everyone I know combined, but because he’s shockingly insightful about so much. He’s young, he’s goofy, and he’s a total surprise. In some ways he DOES remind me of me… and it’s in those ways that I was sure I’d never find anyone who understood those parts of me.
I fully admit now, that I understand what all the fuss has been about. There is something so satisfying about spending time with someone who makes you crazy in the most amazing kind of way… being able to lean my body into his… and just be content.
While we were sitting there, side-by-side, hands clasped together, my head on his shoulder, I wished that everyone would know what it felt like to feel like I did in that moment. Peaceful. Tranquil. Warm from the inside out.
When I came home last night, Shaun was waiting for me. Well, not exactly waiting for me, but he was watching something on tv and as soon as I came in, he took one look at me (and the goofy-ass grin on my face.. I can’t help it… he makes me happy!) and flipped the tv off and asked in that concerned-brother voice of his, “What the FUCK is going on with you lately??”
I just giggled and dropped onto the couch next to him. I could talk to Shaun… I DO appreciate him sometimes. “I got him.”
“Got him?”
Yeah, I got Nick.
He was surprised. “You’re together?”
Yup. (Dreamy sigh goes here)
Whoa.
Yeah, whoa. He asked what happened to the girlfriend and all the reservations I’d seemed to have about him. I said they were all things of the past. Well, sort of. I attempted to explain the Mandy situation and he just looked at me, in ever-increasing amazement and said, “Dude, I’ve pulled some shit to get with girls, but that is just… CRAZY.”
I look at him, unsure of how to interpret that.
He explains, “He must REALLY like you.”
I giggled and jumped up and skipped to my room. I heard Shaun groan. He never has dealt well with me being girlie…
Is it wrong that I want to write “Desi + Nick” with little hearts drawn around it all over my journal???