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10/5
Hey Desi, I hope you don’t get mad when you find this. I promise I didn’t go reading thru the other things you’ve written. I did notice what you just wrote, though, while I was looking for the place you’d left off. I wonder the same things. I mean, I know this is different for me and for you. You’ve never done this before and I kind of have. But not like this. It’s never been like this for me, either. I do feel like we’re, together all the way. I feel closer to you than anyone else I’ve ever known and I know that what we’ve got is so real. I should probably be saying all this to you, but I wanted to write it down, let you find it later, when I’m gone. I hate that I have to leave you in the morning. I know I should be sleeping now, but I couldn’t because I kept thinking that this was the last night I was going to get to sleep next to you for such a long time. I’ve been awake since you fell asleep. I’ve been watching you sleep, that doesn’t sound too creepy, does it? Do you know you smile while you’re sleeping? I hope you’re dreaming about me. I don’t want you sad or anything, but I do hope you miss me as much as I know I’m going to miss you. I’m glad you’ve been here with me the past couple months, even though I haven’t really been home as much as I would have liked. But that’s just my job. It’s one of the only things I don’t like about it. It takes me away from the people I love. I hope you know how much I love you. I promise I’ll be good while I’m gone, you don’t have anything to worry about. I’ll call whenever I can and I’ll make time for you to come out and see me. Or I’ll come home whenever I can. I love that you’ll be waiting here when I get back. I know we weren’t really planning on it, but I think things worked out just like they were supposed to. I was ready for it. I think about us in the future more than you might think I do. It’s nice to be able to think about still being with someone a long time from now, I’ve never had that before. I love you, Desi.
November 11
(I get all teary-eyed reading what he wrote. But I’ll get to that later.)
They (whoever “they” are) say bad things happen in threes. I guess I’d have to subscribe to that theory to some degree now… and that explains my absence. So… here’s the catch-up.
Back in May, when Dale came to us and asked if we wanted to do more work for less rent, maybe we should have seen it coming. He showed up on our doorstep with his son, just looking… horrible. Haggard and worn down. I was glad Shaun was home when he came by… I would not have dealt well with the news by myself. Dale just started to apologize and then got all emotional and couldn’t say anything else. His son, Corey, who we’d never met before, told us that he had bad news… if we hadn’t guessed already. He said his dad had cancer and it was much more aggressive than they’d originally thought when he was diagnosed… in May. Without giving us all the gory details, he basically said that he was taking his dad back home with him, to Arizona… and they were going to sell the house. He said he knew that it was horrible timing, right before the semester was starting and he hated the short notice, but he had to get the house sold. He told us he’d help as much as he could, finding a new place and giving us back the money we’d paid in rent already this year so we’d have something to work with.
They left and I just freaked out. What the hell were we going to do?? I mean, I understood their problem, I wasn’t mad about that, at all, but damn… we had less than a week until school started! How were we going to find some place to live that fast?? (Bad thing number one)
That was when things got very, very interesting… and more than slightly bizarre. Two days after we get this news, we’re scrambling around looking for a place to live, driving around town, looking at apartment complexes. We didn’t want an apartment but that seemed to be our only option at the time. We’re out driving around and Shaun gets a phone call. One of their fraternity officers – or whatever the hell they’re called – had died. Kyle was in some weird boating accident and drowned. (Bad thing number two) There was some secret meeting within the fraternity and now Shaun is the frat’s social activities chair or something like that… because he’s “a natural”… I think it’s because he’s been doing it all along, but anyway, apparently this requires him to LIVE IN THE FRAT HOUSE. Well, he no longer has to worry about having a place to live. Apparently the guys even told him that I could stay for a little while until I found a place if I needed to. As cool as that was of them… hell no. I was not about to go live in a frat house, not even temporarily.
I thought about whining to Sage and seeing if she’d let me stay with her for a while. Nick was out of town when all this happened, so he didn’t even know what was going on. He comes home the next day and I go off to wail to him about all the crap that’s happened. I tell him about getting kicked out of our house and Shaun leaving me and I have no place to go. He just gives me this look and goes, “So what’s the problem?” I got a little crazy then like, “What do you mean what’s the problem?!? Did you not listen to anything I said?!?”
He just rolled his eyes at me and said, “Why don’t you just move in here?”
I opened my mouth to say something, but I didn’t really have anything to say to it. The thought had never crossed my mind. There was no actual reason I couldn’t do it… and it would solve my problem.
He put his arms around me while I was thinking and kissed the top of my head, “I’d love to have you here.”
I looked up at him, “Really?”
“Yeah, of course.” He held me out a little bit and said, “I know the drive is further, but the rent is cheap.”
“Oh yeah? What’s the going rate out here?” I asked.
He smirked, “Y’know… just a little sumthin’ sumthin’ here and there…”
I giggled and told him I could probably manage that. Hell yeah, I can.
So, Shaun and I spent the next three days frantically packing and moving. Nick hired a moving company to get me out there and Shaun had all of his frat brothers helping. It was actually really weird to just be suddenly separated from Shaun. I’d gotten so used to him being there all the time and I legitimately enjoy him as a person now. However, the idea of being able to live with Nick… kind of got me over it pretty quick. It’s not like I wouldn’t be able to see Shaun. (Or as I’ve found … it’s not like he would hesitate to drop in all the time. This is his official escape from the frat house)
Sage randomly dropped in on the day all my stuff was moving out – Shaun’s was gone already. She walked in and was like, “Were you planning on sneaking out and never speaking to me again?”
So I had to explain everything to her and somewhere in the middle of the story, I got all wound up about telling her where I was moving and we were jumping around and shrieking like fools. It really is nice to finally be able to talk to someone about him and what’s going on with us. She told me the girls were going out tomorrow night and asked me to go with them. I told her I would if I wasn’t flattened under a box somewhere… even though I didn’t really want to… it was my first weekend with Nick.. at home. (I still love saying that. It really does feel like home with him.)
I didn’t really have to choose though, when I got out there, Nick told me he was staying in Orlando for the weekend. He apologized for having to leave while I was just getting settled, but he hoped I felt comfortable enough here that I’d be okay. I told him I’d just go out with the girls and I’d be fine. I was so disappointed, though. I’m learning rather quickly that disappointment is a feeling I should probably adjust to. It’s not even really his fault, I know he has to go when/where they tell him.
We didn’t even get to have sex before he left. I unpacked some things and tried to find room for my stuff – it’s amazing how many… things he has, just on his own. I got things situated pretty fast… since there was nothing to distract me. I got ready on Saturday night and when I went to leave, realized I was running late. I was so used to it only taking about 10 minutes to get anyone’s house… I hadn’t made an allowance for the additional 30 minutes it was going to take to get there. I got a call from Sage while I was driving in, asking where I was. I told her I was a dork and forgot where I lived now… she just laughed at me.
When I finally got there – we were meeting up at Anais’ house – every one was harassing me about being late. So, I had to explain things to them… I told them about being kicked out of the house, Shaun getting ‘promoted’ and that I’d found a place in southShore. Sage goes, “You know we’re never gonna go all the way out there to visit you,right? You gotta come to us.” I laughed, “Yeah, I know. I just went where I could afford it on my own.” And she says, “Of course you can afford it, no one wants to live out there unless you’ve got a luxury car to make the trip in.” So we start joking about how it feels like the end of the earth out there… and I mean, I agree, if it wasn’t free and I wasn’t living with Nick… I’d never choose to be out here. So, they harassed me, I brushed it off with a “desperate times call for desperate measures” and we left it at that. I was actually thankful for Sage making such a big deal about not going… because I knew the rest of them would follow it, so I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone going, “Oh, I want to see your new place!” And they haven’t wanted to, so it all works out. Sage has been out a few times, but other than her and Shaun… I’ve pretty much been alone.
Nick’s been gone so much that I don’t even really feel like we can say we live together. My drive to school is the only thing that’s changed. And thank God I’ve only got a few weeks… and one semester left, because this sucks.
Oh, that was the third bad thing… Nick leaving. First it was publicity for the album. Then it was rehearsals for the tour… He’s pretty much gone until next summer/fall.
So, I’m out here in this… massive house, all by myself. It’s really kind of… creepy, I guess, sometimes. Nick had mentioned that before that he gets all paranoid here by himself. It IS a really big house for one person to rattle around in all by themselves. Sage has been out a few times and we’ve had sleepovers… and Justin comes out fairly often… he LOVES this place. I think it appeals to the secret “I should be famous” part of him that he never wants to own up to. (I totally caught him molesting one of Nick’s Moonmen from MTV and practicing an acceptable speech for an invisible audience. I laughed so hard I cried and he wouldn’t talk to me for about an hour. Then I “interviewed” him about his “win” – with a spatula for a microphone - and he forgave me. Too funny.)
Anyway… school is fine… I’m sort of… over it at this point. I’m close to the end and I’m just so not caring. I keep wondering… once I graduate… like, will it be okay then, for people to know about us. It’s not that I necessarily WANT to make a big deal out of it… but this whole careful-to-the-point-of-paranoia is really old.
December 1
So… we went to Mom & Dad’s for Thanksgiving…
Shaun and I went back to Mom & Dad’s… mainly because I have no intentions of going for Christmas this year since Nick will actually be around. (in theory)
Mom and Dad knew that Shaun and I weren’t renting the house anymore and that he was living in the frat house… and that I had moved in with “a friend”. Of course, they did not know this friend was Nick…. Or that the house I was living in is roughly 3x the size of theirs, and located in a gated community. They have asked me questions about the house, but the questions never need more of an answer than, ‘It’s fine.”, “I like it”, “There’s plenty of room for me.” or “Yes, I can afford the rent.” All true.
Two days before Thanksgiving… we had just gotten in town, just gotten picked up at the airport and my phone rings… it’s Nick. He wants to know if he can come visit for Thanksgiving. At my parents?!?! He says, “that’s where you are, that’s where I want to be.” (Awwwww) I tell him I’ll call him back. I tell mom and dad (who were VERY curious about the phone call, since it ended with “I love you, too”) that was my boyfriend… can he join us for Thanksgiving. They FLIP OUT. Like, in a good way. I don’t know why exactly they were so excited, but they were all “call him back now! Tell him to come out right away!” I call him back, tell him to make plans, and then call me when he has his flight information. Mom would NOT STOP TALKING about how “lovely” it was that I was “bringing a boy home”. Oh my god. Seriously? Shaun was pretty excited, too, though… he was just glad we’d have someone else to suffer through the festivities with.
I picked him up at the airport the next morning (I totally pulled into a parking lot on the way home and we had sex in the car. I couldn’t help it… I wanted him, I knew we’d never be able to do it at my parent’s house) and tired to warn him about my mom & dad as much as possible on our way. Shaun called when we were almost back to the house – mom was driving him crazy asking if I’d mentioned we were stopping anywhere because it shouldn’t take this long to get to the airport and back. I told him to tell her Nick’s flight had been delayed a little, but we were almost home. He snickered, “delayed, huh?” Well, maybe not the whole flight was delayed, but certain passengers may have been delayed. In my backseat. Nick and Shaun both cracked up and Shaun said he’d pass the flight info along… and hurry home because they were already driving him crazy.
We got to the house and, not even kidding, my parents were waiting on the front porch. They were trying to look all casual about it, like they just HAPPENED to be outside, sitting around, staring at the driveway. I open the car doom and WHOOSH they are jumping up, running toward the car. Dad’s telling me to pop the trunk so he can get the bags and mom’s over on the passenger side trying to get a look at Nick. I would not have blamed him if he just bolted. But, being that he’s used to being assaulted by crazy women, he was perfectly nice to my mom. She gave him this huge hug and then (sadly) stepped back and said, “Let’s have a look at you!”. (Ohmygod. Really?)
Then dad comes around, claps him on the back, and says something that I’ve managed to block out already. Shaun is watching from the door, laughing and pointing. There’s a reason he never brings girls home. Dad lugs Nick’s stuff inside and my mom keeps giving him these weird glances, like she knows she should recognize him but has NO idea WHY.
We got inside… and then… The Inquisition began. Almost immediately. Well, first there was the, “where does his stuff go?” Nick just said, “I’ll go wherever you put me.” And Shaun says, “He can sleep in my room… I’ll sleep on the couch or whatever.” That made my parents happy, I guess they figured they’d hear if anyone was sneaking anywhere since my room and Shaun’s are so close to theirs. So Dad drops his stuff in Shaun’s room and then we sit. And then, they might has well have brought out one of those giant lights that they always show being used in the movies, because it was time for the questions.
They sort of tried not to be totally invasive and complete nosy right off, but it didn’t really work. And then some of the answers pretty much just caused more problems. Like, “So how long have you been together?” Um… a year and a half? “WHAT?!?!” My mom did that awful pouty-face where she just sits and looks all wounded and disappointed. I HAAATTTEE that.
Dad, of course, did not notice this or particularly care. He wanted to know the other stuff. “Go to college?” No… Before Nick could even explain, he goes, “So you’re a working man?” Since I was 12. “Twelve?” I’m in a band… “A band?” (This is where Dad’s patented look of extreme disdain came in.)
All of a sudden it clicked for mom, “I’VE SEEN YOU ON TV!!!!”
Dad’s head whips around to look at her all WTF? And she’s all squealy because she finally figured it out. “You’re one of those…those boybanders!” (I love how she made it sound like it was an accusation or something… one of THOSE boybander types… oooooh, dangerous! Well, dangerous to my heart, maybe.)
Nick laughs, “Yeah, I’m one of those.”
Then mom starts trying to figure out which one. She named everyone but BSB and even made up a few, finally Shaun – who’d been sitting there, loving watching this – is like, “MOM! He’s a freaking Backstreet Boy. Let it go!” Nick and I crack up… the light goes on for my mom and suddenly everything changes for dad. I don’t know if he was seeing dollar signs or what, but he was much less wary of this non-college-going-guy being with his daughter.
Then mom got all curious about everything, she asked if he and Shaun were friends, how we met, what his job was like, if he kept him gone/busy a lot, did he meet a lot of other celebrities (she was really just trying to find out if he’d met or knew any of those old guys she likes). After about a half-hour of this Shaun saved the day again (yay Shaun!) and was like, “that’s enough… we’re going out.” So Shaun and Nick go off and get ready, I hang around for a second to tell my mom “don’t you dare start calling all your friends and telling them this. We’ve obviously put a lot of effort into people NOT knowing about us being together, don’t work against us, okay?”
She looked a little taken-aback by either what I’d said or my attitude, but she nodded and then I practically ran to my room to change clothes and go wherever Shaun and Nick were going. I honestly didn’t care if it was Hooters and a strip club, I just didn’t want to be at the house anymore just then.
We just went out and drove around, gave Nick a lame-ass mini-tour but it kept us gone. Thankfully, my parents were on pretty good behavior the rest of the time we were there… Thanksgiving dinner was fairly uneventful.. mom and dad only asked questions once a topic of conversation had been brought up (I kind of think mom, at least, was afraid to start anything. I felt bad about it, so I talked to her about it later… I wasn’t trying to be a little snotball. I could just very easily see her going out and telling everyone she knew that her daughter was dating a celebrity!) Before we left, of course the “where are you living now?” question came up, and without thinking, Nick goes, “She moved in with me.” Then he realized he maybe should not have let that out just like that…. He looked at me with a very “whoops” kind of expression on his face. The room was SO quiet you could hear the clock ticking. After what seemed like eternity, Dad goes, “Well, I’m sure his place is nicer than where you and Shaun were staying.” Before I even had time to breathe a sigh of relief mom goes, “I want pictures!” Shaun rolled his eyes (I wanted to, too.) but at least that was a better response than I was anticipating.
On Friday afternoon, once mom and I got home from OMG SALE! Shopping (we left at fucking 4 AM! Shaun and Nick got to stay in and sleep. Jerks.) and I was just… crabby. I was mad I missed out on that time with Nick and I was crabby from getting up at 3:30 AM – and we didn’t even really BUY anything. So wrong. We get home and are sitting around for a while and then Shaun starts on “Let’s go to the park! Yeah, Nick needs to see the park.” And I was thinking… WTF? The park? For real? But Nick was all, “sure, let’s go…” I think he just wanted to get out of the house. So we leave and then Shaun’s like, “just drop me off at the mall or something.” I ask him, “What the hell are you doing? First you’re dying to go to the park and now you want to go to the mall?”
He says, “I don’t care where the hell you take me, just drop me off some where and you guys go to the park over by the walking trail…”
He gets blank stares from both of us, and then he goes, “GO HAVE SEX! I know you’re dyin’… just… go do your thing and pick me up later.”
Then it finally occurred to me, that’s where he used to take girls in high school all the time. I dropped him off at the mall and then we did exactly what he said. It was… oddly considerate of him… but he was right. I hated that I had such a short time with him – he left again Saturday morning – and I barely got the chance to BE with him. So we had more crazy car sex, which I have to admit, I’m pretty much over. It worked because it had to, but it’s not something I’m going to suggest we do again. When we picked Shaun back up, he got in car, looked at both of us and just laughed. “You needed that.” And then he realized he was sitting in the back seat – where we’d just gotten busy – and he was a little freaked out.
Nick left Saturday morning, we stayed ‘til Sunday and then came back… I wasn’t nearly as glad to get back as I normally was… I mean, I’m coming home to this house, where I’m all alone. I mean, I’d still rather be here than back with mom and dad, but I really sort of hate being here without him. I just want him to come home, so we can just lay around in bed and I can hold onto him.. and maybe the sheets would still smell like him when he leaves again.