Holy shit. It’s been forever. I was trying really hard not to do that with this journal – set it down and forget about it – which happens, eventually, with every journal of mine. There’s been so much going on… but at the same time, nothing’s happening, so I guess I didn’t have THAT much to say.
The past few months in a twenty words or less: school sucks, Justin’s good, Shaun’s good, everything is cool with the girls, can’t wait for summer. Yep, that pretty much says it all. Of course, something was missing there – no mention of Nick. Because he is his own story, as usual.
He’s been gone the whole time – I didn’t actually get to see him the night of the Shaun/stripping incident… but I went to see him at his birthday (and he got the show then) and Valentine’s day. Still no sex… he did get a blowjob for his birthday, though… he said I was a “natural talent”… um, yay me? It was kind of fun, really… I think I’m going to be one of THOSE girls… the ones who actually like giving head.
Valentine’s Day was my turn- I knew I loved those lips of his… but now… OMG… that tongue has got some talent. I always kind of thought I’d be one of those actual sex first and oral sex later… it seems weird to let someone get that close, get that …intense of a view of you… but… I don’t know, it just sort of worked out this way. We were just laying in bed and he’d had his hands on me… he gives me goosebumps every time he touches me… and he moved over to lay on top of me and we just kissed for a while… but then he started moving down.. kissing over my chest and taking these tiny little bites around my nipples (THAT’s some good stuff) and then moved down some more and I was starting to breathe all funny because I just knew that’s what he was going to do… and I wanted him to SO BAD… I just wanted to know what it felt like and pushed my thighs apart and gave me a look and I probably looked ridiculous how fast I started nodded… I just wanted it… and I liked knowing that he wanted to do it. And it was awesome. He ran his fingers over me first, like, brushing over me and I know I shuddered just from anticipation. When he actually arranged me just how he wanted me, I think I was about squeaking… and that first touch of his tongue… Oh HELL…
I feel like I sound all crazy... getting worked up about this... but.. y'know, this IS a huge deal. Maybe more so to me because I wasn't out doing it at 16, 17 like everyone else apparently was. BUT I also know I'm way more ready for it now than I was/would have been then. and OHMYGOD... do I want it. I really think it's just a matter of being together - like proximity wise - long enough to actually do it now.
The girls are back to harrassing me continually about what's going on. They all had an abundance of things to say when I mentioned I'd started the pill and was starting to think I was going completely psycho... they all started freaking out like "YOU'RE FINALLY HAVING SEX!" Not yet... chill out... but at least I had SOMETHING to talk about with them. I admit, it was kind of nice... I felt much more a part of things. However, on the flip side, the next time they saw Justin they were totally obnoxious, giving him all these looks like "ha ha! we know what YOU'VE been doing" because they all think he's the one I'm doing it with. I feel bad for him, but he's such a good sport about it all.
Justin IS amazing... he's an awesome guy... and I really am lucky to have him for a friend. Really, Justin and I have more of a relationship than Nick and I do. That sounds weird and I don't really like to admit it, but it's just... circumstances. I love Nick. I'm IN love with him, I should say, because I love Justin, too. He's really become my best friend. I can talk to him about anything/everything, I love spending time with him - whether we're shopping or studying or hanging out and watching movies, and I do like having him around to hold his hand or lean up against. BUT the problem is.. I want it to be Nick. I always want it to be him. I'm SO appreciative of Justin - who he is and what he's doing for me, so I don't want it to be like, I'm an ungrateful wretch who doesn't know how good I've got it... because I do. It's just... not ideal. I guess some girls could really get into this situation... essentially have two "boyfriends" .. and they're both GOOD to me... just in very different ways.
If Justin was straight (which admittedly, a lot of days I have a hard time believing he isn't. I keep trying to convince him he's really bi) I'd have probably married him by now. But, it is fun to boy-watch with him... the different things that I'll notice in a guy versus what he picks up on. I really want him to meet Nick... get his assessment, see what he (Justin) thinks of him (Nick).
April 19
It's raining so hard outside right now... I wish Nick was here. I want to be outside in the rain with him, just soaked and not caring, because he's wrapped all around me and his lips are on mine... Then we could come inside, strip down and dry off and crawl in bed naked... I just want to lay against him … skin to skin...
I miss him.
And DAMN, do I want him.
April 23
Shaun and I just had the strangest… well, maybe not strange, it was strange, but I guess it was just interesting, too. Nick called earlier today and was telling me he’d be back in the next couple days and wanted to make sure that I was going to be “available”. I’m not entirely sure just how “available” he wants me to be… but I’ll worry about that when I have to.
I was squealing when I hung the phone because I’m excited to see him and Shaun was walking by and he was like, “Okay, I’m guessing it’s Nick and he’s home?”
Almost home. Coming home.
He looks at me for a second and says, “You haven’t given it up to him yet, have you?”
That caught me totally off-guard. But I told him ‘no… not yet…’.
Shaun: But you’re going to, I assume…?
Me: Yeah, I mean, I guess we… yeah, I am. Will. Whatever.
Shaun: Make him wait for you.
Me: (looks at him like WTF?) Are you serious? You’re telling me to make a guy wait?
Shaun: Yeah, seriously. You start fucking him… it’s going to change things. I know this is all new to you, so be careful. Wait ‘til you’re REALLY ready and know you can handle it.
Me: (still staring at him in disbelief)
Shaun: What? C’mon… I’m just trying to help you out. You’re my sister, and I love you, I don’t want you all hurt… and Nick’s my friend… I don’t want to have to fuck him up for hurting you.
Me: You’re telling me you think I can’t handle sex?
Shaun: No, not sex… just… your relationship will be totally different after you do it. Why do you think I never keep girls? It’s JUST sex. If I wanted to keep a girl around, really be WITH her and not just fuck her… I wouldn’t do things the way I usually do. I’d wait for her, if I liked her. If I was in LOVE with her… hell, who knows what I’d do. Probably wait forever.
Me: (having a hard time believing that just came out of his mouth. I sort of found a whole new respect for my little brother) He’s been good to me… patient… basically. I mean, we’ve sort of… played around… but he’s not like, bugging me…
Shaun: Just make sure you’re calling the shots. It’s your game, not his. Don’t forget that.
Me: (I gave him a hug and kissed his cheek and thanked him for the words of wisdom and asked what I needed to know)
Shaun: What do you need to know? Oh fuck…
I had to laugh at him, he just had this look like there was this insanely daunting task ahead of him now… but basically it came down to a few things: get into it and don’t just lay there, let him know what he’s doing right and gently re-direct him when it’s not working for me, making noise is good but not TOO much because then it seems fake, and don’t be afraid of it – ask for it when I want it and it doesn’t have to be serious, have fun with it.
I told him I was going to start calling him Dr. Cohen…. It’s sort of weird to have discussions like that, but at the same time…I’m glad I’ve got him. I know he’ll be honest with me. However… it totally makes me wonder… do all guys think like him? What does Nick really think? Is he like Shaun and that because he’s in love… it’s okay? Or is he off bitching to all his friends that his girl won’t give it up? And he can get it anywhere… why should/would he wait for me? Is he?
I can’t go here again. I’ve been doing everything I can to keep it out of my mind… I have to trust him. I have no choice… because I can’t handle thinking about it any other way.