FRREEEEDDDOOOMMMM!!!
The last two weeks sucked. Just hardcore sucked. I didn’t talk to anyone, I didn’t go anywhere, I did NOTHING but study. Right before finals when all my professors gave the “Hey, this is how you figure out what you need to get in order to get (grade of choice)” formulas… I realized just how distracted I’d been this semester. My grades weren’t terrible, but they would have definitely required some explaining to my parents. So I ran myself into the ground.. and it paid off. I only got one ‘B’ (fucking Thorton), and the rest I pulled up to ‘A’s, so go me. Shaun, ever mediocre, was pleased with his pile of ‘C’s.
Now that everyone is done with finals, I guess we’ll probably go out… Justin is coming over in a little while and we’re going out to the restaurant at the Don CeSar, just to be crazy and celebrate this semester being over, and to have an early Christmas celebration together, since he’s going “home” for the holidays and I won’t see him again until January.
Shaun and I go home on the 22nd… then we come back on the 27th… which, honestly, is WAAAYY more time than I want to be home… but we’ve got to appease Mom at some point.
Nick… yeah, haven’t talked to him in about a week and a half. I guess it didn’t bother me as much this time because I was so wrapped in other things and I wasn’t talking to anyone, so I didn’t notice that everyone in the world besides him had called.
December 21
I got a little package in the mail today… a padded envelope, actually. I couldn’t tell anything from the postmark because it was all smeary… so I open it… out falls a card and a cd. It’s from Nick.. the card is for Christmas… inside it says he loves me and misses me and this is part of my Christmas present, he wanted to be sure I got it before I left. (We’re going to have Christmas when I get home… I still have yet to figure out what to get him). The card also says to call him after I listen to the cd… I listened to the cd and tried to call, but didn’t get an answer, so I’ll try back later… but for now, I had to write about the cd.
It’s funny that just when I start to get mopey about the whole thing, he does something that just makes everything okay (actually, so much better than okay) again.
The cd has only got one song on it… but that was enough. It’s not one of their new ones or anything… it’s a cover…
Nick recorded himself singing “I, Alone” for me.
He remembered my all-time favorite song.
He sang it, put it on a cd… for me.
(Really, he does a lot for me. I can’t really complain, can I?)
I’ve loved this song since it first came out… but listening to him singing it (he’s got a good growl… holy mother of God…)… it seemed very different and it made more sense now… it sort of… applies to me now…
“It's easier not to be wise
And measure these things by your brains
I sank into Eden with you
Alone in the church by and by
I'll read to you here, save your eyes
You'll need them, your boat is at sea
Your anchor is up, you've been swept away
And the greatest of teachers won't hesitate
To leave you there, by yourself,
Chained to fate
I alone love you
I alone tempt you
I alone love you
Fear is not the end of this
It's easier not to be great
And measure these things by your eyes
We long to be here by his resolve
Alone in the church by and by
To cradle the baby in space
And leave you there by yourself
Chained to fate
Oh, now, we took it back too far,
Only love can save us now, all these riddles that you burn
All come runnin' back to you, all these rhythms that you hide
Only love can save us now, all these riddles that you burn
I alone love you
I alone tempt you
I alone love you
Fear is not the end of this”
(“I, Alone” – Live)
I wonder if he notices the same thing about the song I do…
“It’s easier not to be wise…” Yeah, it seems easier not to be smart about this… to just let it go and pretend that it’ll work our and everything will be fine.
“I sank into Eden with you”?? Is this Paradise? Sometimes it feels like it sometimes… when we’re together.. and he’s holding me…
And he tempts me… god does he ever tempt me….
The verse about the boats is so… right. I’m swept away right now… especially right this moment…
I gotta go try to call him again.
(later)
I imagine I should be offended… but I’m oddly relieved. I just got off the phone with him… I thanked him for the cd, obviously, and then asked about Christmas… what was I possibly supposed to do for or give him for Christmas. There was an odd pause, so I asked him if everything was okay. He says yes and then says, “You honestly want to know what I’d like for Christmas?” Well, I do prefer honesty, so yes, please.
“To see you naked.”
That’s what he said he wanted for Christmas. To see me naked.
My jaw totally dropped when he said that… but yet I was kind of excited. At least he finally said SOMETHING about it. I must have taken too long to reply, because he asked if he made me mad. Oh no… not mad… actually sort of glad he said something about it, since we’ve never talked about it before.
He sounded a little… I don’t know, confused maybe and he asked what I meant by that. I just said I’d been a little worried that he had no interest or something… it sounded a lot sillier saying it outloud to him… I’m thinking a young guy doesn’t want sex? Or at least naked girls or.. whatever.
He chuckled and was like, I can’t believe you thought that… He said it’s been killing him to be away from me and not even be able to touch me… He misses me, of course, but he’s been trying hard to not do anything to make me think he was trying to push me… but it’s getting worse trying to wait.
I told him we’ll see about the Christmas present when I get back home… told him I loved him… he said he loved me, too and he’d be thinking about me. Something in the tone of his voice told me just what kind of thoughts those were going to be…and I think I’m okay with that.
BUT… now I have a whole new set of things to freak out about. Okay… he wants to… I know I want to, I just don’t know when. It’s a big thing… I’ve waited a long time… and … hell, I don’t even know what else I’m worried about.
I have to finish packing… all this new stuff will give me something to think about on the plane and while Mom tries to talk my ear off about… whatever.
December 28
Oh. My. God. When we got home last night Shaun and I both kissed the floor in the entry way. I contemplated licking something at the airport, just to express m gratitude for no longer being with my parents, but decided against that… mainly for fear of the airport security people, not so much even the potential germ factor.
I have no idea what causes it… but something about being with our parents makes Shaun and I hate each other. We were laughing and talking the whole flight up there, we see Mom and Dad… the switch flips and we fought. Incessantly. The entire time we were there. Until we got back to the airport to come home (we were definitely not speaking at that point)… they drop us off, we check our bags… everything is fine. We talked and acted stupid and told stories about all the stuff that happened while we weren’t speaking and all was well. Mom kept saying she had no idea how we managed to live together here and not kill each other. Probably because we’re not like that here. We get along fine. Yes, we have little tiffs now and then, but mainly, we’re good.
But being back with Mom and Dad… damn. It makes me glad for every moment I’ve got NOT with them. Dad was pretty cool – but Mom was just a non-stop stream of insanity. She seemed to want to be filled in on EVERY SINGLE SECOND that we were not with them. Shaun at least had one moment of decency during the War At Home and didn’t say anything when they asked if I was dating anyone… and I was kind enough not to tell Mom about any of his escapades.
The rest of the family was… just like always. They ask about school (fine), job (fine), Florida (awesome) and that’s pretty much the extent of it. It works.
Probably the weirdest moment came while Mom and I were out shopping the day after Christmas and I ran into three girls from high school… no one I was friends with really, but I did know them and they recognized me… but it was totally, completely awkward. I said ‘hi’, I basically HAD to, as we pretty much bulldozed into them trying to get to a dumb little lawn reindeer that was 75% off. I had my UT shirt on, so they were like, “Oh yeah, how’s school…there?” Great. Amazing. Love it. How is it here… at the high school extension program? Oh, I mean… the junior college? Okay, no I didn’t really say that, but whatever.
I’m just glad I didn’t see any of my –what are they? High school friends. The ones who wrote “best friends forever!” all over my senior book and then promptly forgot me. It made me thankful for the people I have here… who seem to be endlessly forgiving, even when I do suck at keeping up my end of the deal. I can’t wait to see them and hear about their holidays.
But first… I have to find out where Nick is… and when I get to see him. I know he was going to be with his family for a few days, but nothing was definite before.. and well, I’m ready for him.
December 30
Last night was girls night… we sat around, drank, giggled and compared family Christmas horror stories and battle tales from finals. It was so nice to be with them again… just good, silly girlie fun.
And tonight… tonight is Nick. I have no idea what’s going to happen… I don’t want to have any expectations or hopes or … anxieties about the evening. I just want to go spend time with him and whatever happens, happens.
But…. I do suspect I’ll end up naked.