Okay, a lot to catch up on, I guess.
Halloween… yeah, there are just… almost no words for this. I’d gotten the cutest outfit this year, a referee’s costume, but it was short and tight and I looked hot in it. I was going to show off… since I didn’t figure Nick would be around, I figured I’d do some harmless flirting. Then he comes home and I’m thinking, heeeey, he’ll appreciate this! Well, let’s just say nothing about the night (or the next two days) went like I was hoping.
There were three huge parties to pick from – Shaun’s fraternity does a “haunted house” every year, Victoria was having a “frightfully fun fest” (or something equally lame-named), and then some random person the twins knew was having a party. I figured it’d be like the 4th of July… hit them all. Or well, hit whichever ones Nick and I could both reasonably show up… albeit not together. Most likely the twins’ friend and the frat house.
But no.
He calls me at 3:30 on Halloween - after I’d been waiting all freaking day to hear from him… (I was in a horrid mood… I’d found out that Professor Thorton, ever the asshole, had given a quiz worth a ton of points the day I missed, of course).. and he calls to tell me he can’t really talk to me or even see me because… HE HAS TO GO TO VICTORIA’S PARTY WITH MANDY. I realize that they’re trying to keep appearances up and that’s fine, but… god… what was I supposed to do with that? He tells me that I can come down there if I want… and really, that kind of pissed me off. Why would I want to go out there and watch him with her? Have to see her hanging all over him and stand there and not know anyone… HELL no. He was all “Oh, we’ll get together afterward”, which sounded okay in theory, but, of course….. definitely did not go that way.
Sage, Anais, and I started at the frat house – Jovan was already there with Adam… the ongoing state of their relationship continues to befuddle me - and we quickly realized we were way too cute to be there, getting thrown up all over by stupid girls that the frat boys were getting drunk so they could get some later. So, we headed over to the twins friend’s
festivities and were still the first ones there. I was in a BAD mood. I looked cute as hell, but I was pissy. I blamed it on missing the quiz, but then they wanted to know why I wasn’t at school in the first place… oh right, um… just, uh, didn’t want to go. Wow, this lying thing doesn’t work for me.
I guess Merry and Holly’s friend’s (I think her name was Rachael or something…whatever) party was a good time… I didn’t drink anything because I knew if I got started… I’d end up trashed because of the foul mood. So I just sat around and watched everyone else get drunk. While this was mildly entertaining, it was a total waste of my costume and only further added to my pissiness.
I gave up around one and called Nick… only to find out that he was totally obliterated and barely knew who I was… he asked “Who??” THREE FUCKING TIMES after I said “It’s Desi.” Who?” “Desi!” Who? Mandy actually took the phone from him, so I had the great pleasure of talking to her… I really shouldn’t be mean about her, she was quite nice, considering. She told me most of his friends had showed up and they were going crazy… so yeah. She said she’d take him home, so I didn’t have to worry about him. I just said thanks… and then threw my phone. And it landed in the bushes.
So… there I was, in the bushes, trying to find my damn phone and just crying because I was so annoyed/disappointed/whatever. I found the phone, went to tell Sage and Co. I was leaving (of course they wanted to know why I was crying… I didn’t say anything, I just left… thankfully, I’d driven on my own) I know I’m probably being ridiculous and
over-reacting and just being stupid and jealous, but… damn. Everything was going so well and I had him all to myself and it was SO good… but then… I think it just hit me… that’s how it’s always going to be… I’m always going to have to share him with other people. I haven’t even had to deal with the fans or anything yet…if it seems bad on this small of a scale… I can’t even imagine how it’s going to be when things are… different… when he’s touring and there’s all those screaming girls… God…
He called the next day, well, I should say night because it was almost 8 pm… he’d apparently stayed out until about 6 AM with his boys… he had no recollection of me calling him so he was completely surprised when I told him I’d talked to Mandy. He asked how my night had gone and I honestly wanted to hang up on him. He didn’t apologize or anything. I don’t even know that he remembered that he’d said we’d get together after the parties. Maybe I’m being possessive or … whatever… but I was mad. I didn’t say anything to him and he was just like, “okay, you’re pissed.” Yeah, I was. I told him I’d talk to him later, I didn’t have anything to
say right then. So I hung up, threw some pillows, yelled a little and felt better.
He called again the next day, probably to give me time to chill the hell out, and it was a good call, especially considering what he did next. Which was tell me, oh yeah, I’m leaving again tomorrow. He’d known for a few days I guess, but didn’t want it hanging over our heads or something… so he decides to wait to spring it on me. Is that supposed to be better somehow? Especially when I’m feeling like… this?
He left this morning… after spending all night with his boys again. He managed to find time for a 25-second VOICEMAIL to say, “I’ll call soon.. and I’ll miss you. Love you. Bye.”
The suckage is almost unfathomable.
Sage called this afternoon, and I forgot I wasn’t picking up the phone, so I talked to her. Tried to brush off the Halloween insanity as PMS. She filled me in on what I missed - which was mainly Anais getting uncharacteristically drunk and having sex with some random guy…. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN… which apparently resulted in some fantastic video footage.
November 10
I suppose he redeemed himself. He flew out here for two hours yesterday, for the sole purpose of talking to me. He’d bought the most amazing necklace for me… he said he wasn’t trying to buy forgiveness, he just liked it and thought I would… he knew he’d been a jerk. So he came back, gave me the necklace, apologized, I cried, we kissed, he left. It was just so… cute and sweet… I felt really awful for all the hateful thoughts I’d been thinking about him.
The little things he does makes up for the fuck-ups, I guess. After the way he kissed me just before he left yesterday, I’d have honestly forgiven him for anything. I don’t know that it was THAT different from the way he usually does things, but maybe it was just my emotions being all whacked just then… but he put his hands on either side of my face and just looked at me for a little bit, his eyes right on me, like he was looking straight through me, and he leaned in, to give me a supersoft kiss… and very, very, very slowly, it got deeper, more sensual… and I just melted… it was like being in slow-motion… it was perfect and awesome and I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it now.
Part of me is still afraid though, that this is showing me how it’s going to be…. Everything is awesome, and then it sucks, he makes it up to me, and then I hang…. Just waiting ‘til he comes back and things are good… and then he’s gone again.
November 18
Shaun strikes again.
He’s beginning to freak me out. First he’s the one thinking that I should hook up with Nick, and we know how that turned out… and today, he does it again. I was sitting at my usual spot at lunch… some days he comes to meet me out there and sometimes not… I never know when to expect him… so I was just sitting there reading and here comes Shaun, trotting over with some guy. He looks vaguely familiar to me, so I figure he’s probably a frat brother. Shaun drops down next to me and steals the bag of chips I had sitting out and says, “This is Justin, he’s a brother.” Well hello, Justin. Looking at him closer… damn, Justin is HOT. I look at Shaun again and he says, “He’s your guy.” Huh? “Your fake boyfriend.” I blink at him and then over at Justin, like, WTF?
Shaun laughed at my expression and says, “I explained the problem… and he’s willing to help.” I look at Justin and ask, “why?” He says, “It’s easier to have a fake girlfriend than a real boyfriend around here.” It takes a second for this to register with me. “You’re gay?” He nods. “Wait… isn’t that going to be a little weird if you just start dating a girl out of nowhere?” Justin says no, no one really knows but Shaun, and now me.
This is odd to me… I mean, I can imagine a lot of Shaun’s macho-men brothers being freaked out by the idea of one of their brothers being gay… but why even join then? I ask these things… why join and why hide. Justin tells me he joined mainly for the connections – his two older brothers and his dad had both been in the frat, so it was kind of expected of him to join, being a legacy. As for the no one knowing he’s gay, he said, “I know who I am. I’m not ashamed of it… I just don’t feel the need to run around with a rainbow flag and screaming “I’m gay!!!” at the top of my lungs. It’s my private life… and that makes it my business and no one else’s.” I smiled… I liked him already.
Shaun went charging off to chase some girl that he saw walking by, which left me and Justin to talk. He told me Shaun had very vaguely explained what was going on with me… and it turns out it looks like we can help each other out. The more I talked to him, the more I liked him… he’s definitely someone I could date, if he liked girls, of course. We made plans for tomorrow afternoon to hang out more and get to know each other better… he’s very touchy-feely, so being affectionate isn’t going to be a problem… so, I guess, really… it’s going to look, by all accounts, like we’re together.
It’s so weird in so many ways… he doesn’t need to hide, but he’s chosen to stay quiet…. And here I am, setting myself up to lie… and get away with it so no one is suspicious. I hate it already… especially that in some way it’s easing my conscience, because I can say, “Oh, I’ve been talking to my boyfriend”… it could be Nick, but they’d think Justin. I wouldn’t be lying, but it’s not exactly the truth.
November 26
Thursday was Thanksgiving… I failed to mention the colossal fight this caused with my mother. She wanted us to come… I just didn’t want to. Neither did Shaun. Why should we, really? Our whole lives really ARE here now. The people we care about, everything we are… is basically here. I mean, of course, there’s family at home… but we’ll go home at Christmas… we’ll see everyone then. Mom makes such a big deal out of this, that we never see anyone… we didn’t see anyone when we DID live there. We got together at Christmas, and really, that was it. It’s no different now. I think she’s just trying to make it sound less like “you
never see US” anymore… I’m sure she’s driving dad crazy. Part of me was hoping that Nick would be back for Thanksgiving, but he went to California, where his family is apparently, inexplicably residing for the time being. Sage invited me to her parents house, but Shaun and I just decided to have our own dinner… we managed to make a turkey and fake mashed potatoes, gravy, and pumpkin pie, so we were pretty much ecstatic with that. We watched movies and just hung out… it was a good time… and WAY less stressful than dealing with everyone at home.
Spent a LONG time with Justin yesterday – we went shopping for the after Thanksgiving sales (he’s so my new favorite shopping buddy) and out to dinner. We’ve gotten to know each other pretty well… he’s awesome. He’s very funny, very smart… and yeah, he plays “straight” very convincingly. He’d grab my hand every now and then… and he even nuzzled my neck once. If we’re going to do this, it’s gotta look real, I guess. We talked more about everything – including his, what is it, closetedness? He says he knows that college is a great time to “explore” and meet and date people, but he’d prefer to focus on what matters now, which is getting through college, because he’s got the rest of his life to worry about who he’s going to date. I think he’s got a lot of wisdom there… that no one part of your life should take over everything. I thought a lot about everything he said, and wondered just what of myself I should have learned from it.
Nick called after I got home and I told him what I’d been out doing… shopping with my “boyfriend”. He said nothing – I knew he didn’t like it – and then I said, “Relax… he’s gay.” So then I had to go and explain how no one knew and all that… I guess he felt somewhat relieved knowing that I was going to be “involved” with someone who was a real threat. The only threat to anyone, I told him, was that I’ll probably never go shopping with anyone but Justin ever again.
I got a little rundown on what had been going on with him, he sounds… restless or something. He thinks it shouldn’t be too much longer until they get back again… I’m not going to start holding my breath or anything, though. He actually sounded sad when he told me he loved me… I’m hoping it was just because he missed me, and not because he realizes what a complicated mess this all is… and how unlikely it seems it will ever work out/be worth it.
Yeah, I said it. I can’t help it. I think about it all the time… he’s pretending to date someone else. Now I am, too. We’re going to be apart all the time… I don’t have a clue what he’s doing when he’s gone…
But… god… I love him. The sound of his voice makes my heart stop, his smile (even just the memory of it) makes my whole body tingly and warm, and even though I don’t want to because it just makes things worse… I count the seconds until I can touch him again.
December 3
Justin and I came out as a couple last night. There was a random “we’ve had no excuse to party so we’re just having one for the hell of it” party down in Southshore… when Sage called to tell me about it… I asked if I could bring someone. Of course, I got 20 questions and one of them was, “Is he the reason we never see you?” followed by “Why have you been hiding this so long?” (I fully expected to have to answer this all again with the other girls… I was right.) I said because it was my first real relationship, I just wanted to see how things went and try to “settle” into a little before I made a big deal about it… which seemed to sort of satisfy Sage (and Anais… who’s still apparently trying to live down the kitchen table incident) but the twins and Jovan were having none of it. They thought I should have been a squealy nutcase all along… and then, of course, wanted to know “how’s the sex?!?!” Yeah, still no stories. (They were highly disappointed.)
Justin got rave reviews, though. I mean, he IS hotter than hell… in that polar-opposite-of-Nick way. He’s got jet black hair, deep brown eyes, and a killer smile that just draws you in… he’s gorgeous, he’s totally nice…when the girls saw him, Merry said, “I see why you’ve been hiding him.”
He really was the perfect boyfriend… he fetches drinks, pulls out chairs, leads through crowds, listens attentively… amazing. But still… not Nick.
Jovan, despite the fact she says she’s totally enamored with Adam (yes, still. I have no idea how this is working.), continues to look for Nick at parties. I started to point out that he was not even in the state, but realized just in time that I have no reason to know that, or share it with anyone. There was no Nick, of course, but oddly enough… Mandy was there. Yes, it just gets weirder.
And Shaun thinks she’s the hottest thing ever. I have to admit, that seeing her – minus Nick – she IS actually very pretty. Aside from that startling revelation (like I should have thought Nick’s girlfriends would have been anything less than beautiful is crazy, I know… but, dude, where does that put me? I mean, I’m not getting down on myself, I know I’m cute, but seriously, not in this league.) Shaun practically stalked her throughout the night… apparently enthralled that he’d found the one female in the Bay area who wasn’t willing to immediately fall to her knees in front of him. He managed to get her to talk to him at one point, but that’s definitely it. He even tried to use me as an “in” at one point.. and nodded to me, she turns to look and smiles. She leaves Shaun with a “well shit” look on his face and comes over to me, “You’re Desi, huh?” Yeah, that’s me. “You think he’s worth it?” Which one, Nick or my brother? She laughs, “Nick.” The answer would have been ‘yes’ to either one, I tell her. She says Nick probably IS worth it, he just wasn’t for her… and she still loves him, always will… but it was time they did their own thing. I can’t help it… I kind of like her. I thank her for what she’s doing and she gives me a very serious look and says that it’s fine now, but it won’t always be like this… at some point, it’ll be off her and on me… and I’m going to have to figure out how to be more secure in myself than I can even imagine now. I know she’s had it rough with the fans… she tells me to keep it on the downlow as long as we can… it’s really the only way we’ve got any kind of chance of making it. I nod, I’m sure she’s right. I think she’d have said more, but she got pulled away by someone else. She gave me a quick hug and disappeared with the other person, leaving me there just sort of mulling it all over.
Jovan appears and shrieks, “DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT WAS?!?” Uh, Amanda? “THAT’S MANDY! NICK’S GIRLFRIEND!!!” Oh, who knew? She continues shrieking at me (she’s SO loud when she’s drunk) and demanding to know what we were discussing until Adam comes along and starts tongue-wrestling with her. I go off to find Justin and relay the infinite weirdness to him. We decide to leave the party and end up at the Nature Preserve… I tell him about the times Nick and I have been here… he listens, he smiles. He says it’s nice to see someone “uncomplicatedly in love, in a complicated situation”. I’m confused. He says, “It’s simple… you love him. You just love him in a way that isn’t conducive to the lifestyle he leads.”
I nodded. What else could I do? He’s right.