I am bored. And I fucking love it. Or well, I had plans to love it.
I can’t remember the last time I was bored.
I’ve been with the girls a lot… when I haven’t been working or doing stuff for school. I had no idea I’d end up this busy. Guess it’s sort of a good thing what’s-his-name is busy, too… I’ve got enough to keep me occupied.
Oddly enough, it’s been long enough now that I’m used to it. He said they were going to break for a few days and he’d come home… he didn’t. I think he and Alex went somewhere. Whatever. I was disappointed. And mad, sort of. But whatever. Shaun used to ask about him… but when my answers got continually more hostile, he stopped asking. I got annoyed enough at one point I went to hunt down Paul… to scope him out for faux-boyfriend material. Turns out, he’d actually make excellent REAL boyfriend material, and I instantly felt really bad. We had dinner together and I was sort of surprised at how cool he really was… under different circumstances… I’d really like him. But no, I’m in love with someone I never see and barely talk to. There is something so wrong with that sentence.
Obviously, I’m pissy today. I had plans to just be bored, but when I get bored I start thinking and then I get pissy. I don’t know what I expected, but this isn’t it. I think about him all the fucking time – whenever I see/feel the necklace, whenever I drive by the Pier… just… all the time. Does he ever think of me? Do I ever cross his mind? Has he ever laid awake at night and wondered what I’m doing?
I sound so damn bitter… it’s not entirely fair… but, really, what else am I supposed to do?? I thought he’d at least call more. Take 30 fucking seconds to pick up the phone and say “I love you”, “I miss you”, “I’m thinking about you”. Makes me feel like I’m not worth the trouble.
He’s always sweet when he calls… but.. I don’t know… I don’t even know what I’m complaining about. I swear I used to be less…. what is this even?
I’m going to go back to attempt being bored… that seems much easier.
October 15
Hung out at the twins' place last night… we had a little potluck kind of thing… we were told to bring our favorite food over… they should have been more specific. Of course, we all brought junk. Baked macaroni and cheese. Lil’ smokies. Hot wings. Key lime cheesecake. Turtle brownies with extra caramel. That part was excellent. The rest of the night… I could have done without.
We were sitting around, stuffing our faces and talking… Jovan was bragging about the great sex that she and Adam have (I can’t believe they’re still together)… so everyone begins launching into stories, their best sex, etc. It was obvious some of the stories were repeats as they were finishing each other’s sentences and sometimes laughing before there was even something entertaining because they already knew what was coming. I was totally content to just listen (admittedly, some of the stories made me jealous… and definitely had me thinking about Nick)… but they wouldn’t let me just do that. Merry started it, getting on my case, “You’re not telling any stories!!”
No, I’m not.
“Why the hell not? You’re too good to tell us??” Then someone else points out I NEVER tell stories when they get going. I was just going to shrug it off… but they kept going and finally I just said, “There are no stories to tell.” Blank stares all around. What do I mean? I mean, there are no fucking stories to tell. Literally.
Sage – after what seemed like eternity – was the first to make the connection. “Oh, you’re… oh god… you’re still… a virgin?”
Why does everyone say that like it’s a bad thing??? After the initial shock wore off from that statement, they started harassing me about why didn’t they know that before?
I wanted to yell THIS IS WHY!!! What/who I do/don’t do is none of your concern! If I had stories, I’m sure I’d tell them, but I don’t, so just leave me alone.
October 20
I’ve actually talked to Nick every night for the past four days. We were on the phone for three hours last night. I remember why I love him now. He told me what’s been going on… or at least the generic stuff. I’m quite sure he left out a lot, and maybe that’s for the best, just as long as it’s nothing that I SHOULD know about. They’ve been busy, but apparently they’ve been insanely productive. Writing a lot, recording a lot… and have already got a lot of good material. He thinks they’re near a stopping point… at least a breaking point… he says everyone is anxious to get back home… get to their wives, and families, and he’s anxious to get back to his girlfriend… said he missed me and thought about me all the time. Some of the songs always make him think about me, he said. THAT was cute.
Shaun said my mood improvement was much needed, he grabbed the phone at one point the day before yesterday and told Nick he’d better keep calling… that I was only tolerable once I’d talked to him and I’d been a total bitch when he hadn’t been calling. This seemed to amuse Nick and Shaun told him he was completely serious. (I “accidentally” dropped my new red shirt in the laundry with Shaun’s white wifebeaters… whoops. Real men wear pink, right?? I figure no one actually needs to do an entire load of laundry that’s JUST wifebeaters. I mean, seriously… who needs that many of those things?)
Once the laundry “incident” was discovered, he threatened retaliation… I said he’d done enough damage. He said there was no damage, he was just being honest. I was obviously crazy about the guy and I WAS totally unbearable some days and he knew it was because I missed Nick. (I hate that my little brother has insightful moments. It bugs me.) This lead to an unreasonably deep and philosophical conversation… I told him about the faux-boyfriend plan… he was surprised at the trouble both of us were going to. He asked if I had anyone in mind and I told him my only candidate was out of the running. He said to give him a few days. I have no idea what to expect with this…
October 23
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HE CAME BACK YESTERDAY!!!!
He called me again and we were just talking about the day, he was telling me about the studio and I told him I was doing laundry (I was keeping a close eye on it.... I fully expected Shaun to drop something nasty in it for me to deal with)… he said he had to go and he’d call tomorrow… so I hang up and go back to my laundry. I should mention – because I’d waited FOREVER to actually DO my laundry… I was wearing a thong (yeah, totally zebra striped) and one of Shaun’s football jerseys. And that was all. Because I had NOTHING left. On one of my trips back and forth to my room to drop stuff off, I grabbed the tiara from the girls night we had and put it in my hair… I felt more festive. So, there I am, scrounging around in the washing machine trying to find a sock that disappeared… my ass totally in the air… when I hear a wolf whistle. I KNOW Shaun is not going to whistle at the sight of my thong-clad ass so I stand up and whirl around and NICK IS STANDING RIGHT THERE. I squeal like a crazy woman and run over to him, jump up on him and wrap myself around him.
GOD it felt so good for him to hold me. He hugged me so tight and then kissed me… FUCK I MISSED THAT. Right then I forgot every complaint I had about him or him being gone because it just totally did not matter. He was right there and I was crazy in love and everything was right in the world.
He walked me over to the washing machine and sat me down on it and kissed me again. He stepped back and just looked at me, I watched his eyes… I could practically feel them moving over my body… it made me sort of self-conscious, but it also made me feel sort of hot, really… ‘cause I know he liked what he saw. He was smiling and finally said he loved the look… a tiara, jersey and a thong was officially his new favorite outfit. I just giggled. Really, what else do you do with that? He also noticed I was wearing the shark tooth… he liked that. I haven’t taken it off since I put it on… just like I said.
It finally occurred to me to ask what was going on… he said he wanted to surprise me… he’d known they were coming home today, but he just wanted to show up… he said he was going to go wherever I was… if I hadn’t been at home he was going to go by work or wherever I might have been because he wanted to see me, right then. (I sort of wish I’d have been out somewhere with other people, just so they could have seen. I know, I know…) I thought that was so sweet, though… he came straight from the airport to our place… Shaun had let him in.
He said he wanted to go home and drop his stuff off… shower, sleep in his own bed… and he asked if I wanted to come with him. HELL YES I DID!!! (Honestly, I was hoping the invitation included the shower, too) I started to go change clothes and he wouldn’t let me… I grabbed a pair of Shaun’s boxers (CLEAN!) and obliged him. Hell, I’d have worn anything (or nothing) he wanted me to then.
We went to his house… he showered alone (I wasn’t invited and I wasn’t going to invite myself… but WOW I wish I could have been in there)… and then we went to bed. Well, we got in his bed… there wasn’t much sleeping to be done. I couldn’t keep my hands off him… it wasn’t even, like, sexual really… I was just SO freakin’ happy to have him there where I COULD touch him.. I was perfectly content to just be able to hug and kiss him… feel his arms around me while we were talking… god it was good.
I LOVE sleeping with him… being able to feel him, hear him… and being able to wake up and watch him sleep… wonder what he’s dreaming, hoping I’m the reason for that little smile on his face…. and really… I just like the feeling of not entirely being able to believe that he’s mine… that he wants ME there with him…
And hearing “Desi, I love you” as the last thing before I go to sleep tonight… is perfection.
He brought me home this morning, so he could go do some running around – see other people, etc… but he’s coming back this afternoon to get me again. I’m going to my 2 pm class… I totally missed my morning classes because I was just completely unwilling to get out of bed. I fell asleep laying on him, but woke up where we were back-to-back… I woke him up while I was kissing across his shoulders (I LOVE the freckles he’s got… it’s just so cute)… seeing him roll over, eyes barely open, but he’s smiling and saying “mornin’, beautiful”… is just the best way to start a day. We lay there for a long time… finally got up and had brunch… I have no idea what I missed in class this morning and I do not care.
I remember this feeling now… the giddiness, and sort of warm, fuzzy tranquility that comes with being with him… and I know why I missed it so much.