Girls night out tonight… Sage was surprised when I told her I’d join them. I was kind of offended, just the way she said it, like she expected me not to go. Like, I realize she probably did anticipate me saying I wouldn’t be joining them… ‘cause that’s what she’s heard the past several times she’s called. Between school and Nick… there’s just no time.
But now he’s gone and school’s just… there. I feel like my classes are all repeating themselves, going over things I’ve already learned… but it could be the ridiculously small amounts of attention I’m actually paying that makes it all sound the same.
So, yeah, tonight… I pay for being a suck-ass friend, I guess. I HAVE missed having girlie time… I’d forgotten how good it was there for a while. I really don’t want to lose them… it was bad enough to have to go through that once already. I guess in some ways I’m afraid of getting too close to anyone again after what did happen when I moved down here. I must have been mistaken about friendship being able to stretch across a few states. It amazes me that Shaun’s friends manage to keep in touch with him… but not one of my so-called friends from back home ever made an effort to contact me. Not even an e-mail here and there. I know that the phone/email works both ways.. but I don’t feel like it should be all my responsibility. I tried keeping up with them when I first moved and never got any kind of response… obviously it didn’t take long for them to move on with their lives without me in it. I just couldn’t stay there… couldn’t go to junior college with everyone else, stay with the same people I’d always been with like they have… and I guess that’s fine for them, it just wasn’t for me. And really, look how much things have changed for me… look where I am now compared to where they most likely are. I think I reserve the right to be smug.
I shouldn’t be like that, though, and I shouldn’t be so lax about these girls down here because the ones from before failed me so miserably. I need to get out, I need to have fun, I need to enjoy these people. And that is what I intend to do tonight. Fun will be had!!
September 17
Oh god.
Too much fun was had.
Details later.
September 18
Holy mother of god. You don’t do something for a while, and then you get the chance and throw yourself into with an unreasonable amount of gusto… and…. Damn.
Friday night was insane. I remember why I like being with them so much… and then spent all day Saturday cursing them. Ah, good times.
We went to the mall before we went out and stopped at one of those accessory places and bought rhinestone tiaras and wore them out. Everyone treated us about like we were royalty… I guess they thought we were out for a bachelorette party or birthday party or something… we got in free… got free drinks… danced on tables, bars, tried to get picked up/taken home…
It’s funny to be with a group like that… so similar and so different… one only does shots (favors shots bought by guys), one’s just a beer drinker, one’s a forget-drinking-and-collect-numbers (but starts drinking if there’s no numbers in 20 minutes)… I do enjoy those girls.
It was so much fun to be out again… just be silly girls… and just to be OUT… having spent so much time sneaking around with Nick, it was so nice to just to be in public, around other people.
I couldn’t help but think last night while I was dancing with (or being humped by) some random guy.. that it would be so nice just to go out with Nick and be able to dance with him… feel him behind me, his body against mine…just be able to kiss him while I grind on him…
I guess it’s surprised me how I’ve felt since he’s been gone. I think about him all the time, of course, but … as much as it’s ‘wow, I miss him’ thoughts, there’s still part of me that just worries. He doesn’t call and I know he’s busy… he told me he wouldn’t have much time… and I want to trust that… but sometimes I just CAN’T.
But I will NOT start thinking about that again now.
Merry asked me about the shark tooth… Anais was curious, too, but more in a fashion kind of way, being the ever-so-stylish one that she is…I just explained that I’d found it on the beach…. It’s kind of… annoying, I guess that I just can’t tell a story, I can’t give all the silly details… I’ve got no one to talk to about this stuff.
I made this choice, though, I wanted him… I got him, and now this is what I’ve got to do to keep him.
September 23
HE CALLED!!!
I was waiting for Sage to call… we were going to hang out and catch a movie or something tonight… picked up the phone and it was him. He sounded SO tired … he said they’ve been working almost non-stop… he couldn’t remember the last time theat he actually saw the light of day. The more he talked the more I realized I probably was being silly worrying about him cheating on me… I love him… I’m going to trust him, simple as that.
I did tell, though, that I’m kind of having a hard time with things… and I was thinking… he’s got like a pseudo-girlfriend (I heard her talking about him on the radio the other day… that was hideous)…. why can’t I do the same? At least if there was an actual guy around, I’d have a better excuse for being busy. He hated the idea. A lot. He asked how the hell I’d explain the situation to someone. I have no idea… maybe I can just make it clear to the guy we’re just friends, but we might be a little friendlier when I’m around my friends? He said, from a guy’s perspective, he doubted that work. I got a little irritated, really. I mean, I’m being ridiculously understanding here .. of him, his lifestyle, his need for secrets… can’t he humor me a little??
I guess I had him on that one, because he was quiet for a while… He said he understood, but he wanted me to know he didn’t like the idea at all.. because I was HIS girl… There was something sweet, albeit possessive about it… I assured him that he had nothing to worry about with me… and I was hoping the same of him. He just laughed and told me he didn’t have the time or energy to even look at other girls, let alone do anything with them. I guess that was supposed to be comforting to me.
Whatever.
I have to admit, though… he did have a point. I don’t know exactly what I AM going to do about this. I guess I just want someone to … I don’t know… feel normal with/about? So I can be like, “Oh he did the cutest thing…” or whatever… even if it is slightly out of context… Oh god… I’m turning into such a fucking liar.
Really, what the hell am I doing here?!?
One day I’m saying I want to be a better friend and then the next I’m planning out this elaborate charade… can we say hypocrite??
Is this actually what I want my life to be?
God, love is fucked up.