It occurred to me that I hadn’t been to a studio in a disturbingly long time and that would be an excellent way for me to occupy myself for a while. I put clothes on and decided to just start driving, surely there would be a studio somewhere. I couldn’t actually recall having noticed any before, but I’d never really been looking. Part of me wanted to try to find High Voltage, just to mosey by and try to sneak a peek at Kat Von D, but at this point there was probably a cover charge just to walk in the door. I decided to head toward the beach, maybe Venice or Santa Monica would have some place cool. I’d learned from my Florida years that the beach often held some of the more entertaining studios.
I passed the Pier and grabbed a parking spot, ready to wander around and see the sights. I was always amazed at how many people there were at the beach, no matter what day of the week or time of day. People actually left the beach in Florida, there were times it was almost empty, but not here. I couldn’t figure out what they did the rest of the time, or if they were just.. those people the ones who felt that the life of a beach bum was a higher purpose than anything like holding down a job. Although, truth be told, Nick would probably be one of them, if he’d been given the option.
I followed a couple of delicious-smelling frat boys down the board walk, slightly intoxicated by their cologne, but also curious as to why someone would actually wear THAT much cologne to the beach. Weren’t you just going to get in the water and wash it off? Although, the longer I watched them, the more I thought they were about presentation and not actual participation. They led me right where I wanted to go, though, they headed into a questionable looking “smoke shop” and I walked past them, a few doors further down, and stopped in front of a neon sign announcing the home of a tattoo studio.
I walked in the doors, smiling at the clean, hospital kind of smell, and the hip, funky decor. It wasn’t smoky and the room was brightly lit – two major bonus factors in my opinion. I stood in front of one of the walls, my eyes skimming over various phrases written in kanji and katana.
I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation going on behind the partition as I gazed at the designs, “Tell her not to come back. She never shows up for work anyway, that shouldn’t be a problem for her.”
“I know. We're going to have to find someone fast or Ryan’s going to end up out there and I’m pretty sure that douchebag can’t even pick up a phone.”
My interest was piqued. I turned around to see the two men who had been talking come out and start rummaging through a box behind the counter.
The more heavily inked of the two asked, “Do we even have a ‘help wanted’ sign?”
The other one, who was rocking a red mohawk started to answer, but then seemed to realize I was there. “Hey, sorry! I didn’t know anyone was out here! Can I help you with anything?”
“I was just looking, but now I’m curious… what kind of help do you need?”
Mohawk looked at the other guy then glanced back at me, “We need a receptionist…”
I smiled, “I can answer a phone and… I even show up when I’m supposed to.”
“You’d want to work here? The pay isn’t great.” The guy who wasn’t mohawked said.
“I don’t need the money… I just want a job. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m dying to find a way to stay busy. I love tattoo studios, I love the art, and I love talking to people. Give me a chance… if it doesn’t work out, fire me.. no questions asked.” I said. I was practically desperate for this job, I’d probably beg if I needed to.
The two guys looked at each other for about a half a second, then said in unison, “You’re hired.”
I smiled, “Awesome. My name is Summer, by the way.”
“Nice to meet you, Summer. I’m Jude,” Mohawk told me. I shook his hand when he extended it to me and smiled.
“I’m Beau,” the other one said. Then asked, “Do you even have any ink?”
I laughed, “Yeah, I do… You want me to take my clothes off to show you or just tell you about it?”
“I’ll take your word for it for now, maybe after I’ve known you a couple of days I’ll ask to see it.” Beau told me, backing away a little.
“You draw on people’s asses and tits and you’re worried about me showing you where I’m tattooed?” I asked, laughing again.
“It’s different, I don’t usually have to see them again!” he told me, then jumped when the phone rang and went to hide in a back room.
“You’ll have to excuse him,” Jude said, “he always gets anxious around hot girls.”
“Awww, I’m flattered. I’ll just catch him by surprise one day and flash him.”
Jude cracked up, “You and I are going to get along just fine.”
The rest of the afternoon went quickly as I was given the tour around the shop and the general rundown of my job duties. I had to answer the phone, make appointments, and greet customers. I kept waiting for there to be some big, scary hidden task with the way they complained about not being able to find anyone who could actually do this job. I never did find anything, so either I was the smartest person they’d ever hired or… they just had the worst employee screening process ever.
When I left later in the afternoon, I felt much more content than I had in quite a while. I actually had something to DO, I had people to talk to, and really, a reason to drag my ass out of bed in the morning. I finally thought to check my phone as I was walking to my car and was surprised to find I had three missed calls – one from Nick, and two from Macy. I hadn’t thought about her all day, which had been a relief, I’d gotten tired of having her on my mind. I still couldn’t decide how I felt about her, if she was being evil or just weirdly protective.
I decided I wasn’t going to worry about her for now and drove to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner. I was feeling oddly energized and in the mood to cook, I could only guess it was as a result of having found some sort of purpose. On my way back to the house, I called Nick, eager to tell him my news.
He picked up, and I could tell he was eating, “Hey Shumma!”
I laughed at the way he sounded with his mouth full, “Wow, that’s sexy.”
He swallowed, “Sorry. Dinner… I missed lunch and I’m starvin’.”
“You missed a meal? What the hell?”
“I was talking to Macy and then didn’t have time.” He said, and I couldn’t figure out exactly what I should be picking up from the tone in his voice.
“And how did that go?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I guess, honestly, I’m kinda mad at her. I know she’s not telling me things, and she’s being all weird and like, hinting at things that she knows I’m not going to understand and I’m just frustrated. It’s like…” he trailed off and there was silence for a few moments. I could hear him get up from wherever he was and walk away, still not talking, putting distance between himself and whoever else was around.
I waited, and finally prompted him, “It’s like what?”
“I love her… I really do, but it’s like… it’s easy for me to be away now. I don’t… miss her like I did. I still call, I still care about what’s going on, but with her being like this, it’s just making me… wonder,” he told me, quietly.
“Wonder?” I didn’t know if he meant like, he was thinking about things or if he was back to his old ways.
“Yeah, just wonder if this is right. I mean, I think she’s worth it, but do we really have a chance? You have to admit, it seems like a long shot.”
As much as I would have liked to tell him that no, they didn’t make much sense and he’d be much better off with someone like, oh, me… I wasn’t going to. I said, “I guess it depends on what chance you’re talking about. I’m sure she wants to get married… are you there yet? No, probably not.”
“See, I think about that, too. I know she’s going to want that. Sometimes I think she already does. She wants to get married and have a family and I … don’t. I really don’t want to get married. I just feel like I can’t do it. Kids… I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. Am I being fair to her if I know she wants things I can’t or won’t give her?” He sounded stressed, just asking the question, and I could tell it had really been on his mind.
“Just because you’re dating, hell, just because it’s serious or… kind of serious or however you want to look at it, doesn’t guarantee there’s going to be an engagement. I mean, yeah, I guess it sort of does usually end up that way, but it doesn’t have to. Aren’t you just supposed to enjoy it while you have it and see what happens? Maybe one day you will wake up and go, “Oh my god, I want to marry that girl!” and then again you may decide that she’s not the one. I don’t know Nick. I’m really not the right person to ask about that.” I definitely was not the right person to ask. I’d found the love of my life and lost him. What the fuck did I know about anything?
“I know… and I probably won’t even feel like this tomorrow… I’m just frustrated right now.” He paused for a second and said, “Sorry, I gotta go, I’ll call you back later, okay?”
“Sure thing. Bye.”
“Bye. Love you.”
I tossed the phone into the passenger seat, just as I was getting ready to pull into the driveway of the house. I hated not having answers for him when I knew he needed them. I kept thinking about what he’d said as I took my groceries inside. I set everything down and decided I was going to focus on food for now, I’d worry about him later and I might call Macy back. Maybe.
--
Turns out, I didn’t have to call Macy, because she called me again. My guess was that she was probably afraid that I was going to go off and tell him, even though she’d asked me not to.
I know I sounded less-than-enthused when I answer the phone.
“Summer, it’s Macy.”
“I know. What do you want?”
She sighed, but I couldn’t tell if it was because she was irritated with me or just because she knew I was still unhappy with her. “I was just calling to tell you… I have to… I’m going to… have surgery again…”
“When?”
“Tuesday morning. I have to check in Monday night. I just…thought I’d let you know.”
“You’re going to tell him, right? Macy, I swear to God, if he hasn’t called me by tomorrow morning to let me know about this, I’m going to tell him myself…” I was done being nice if she thought she was going to let this slide. Even with the conversation he and I had had earlier, I knew he’d want to know about this.
“Yes, I’m going to tell him. And I’m going to tell him that he doesn’t have to come see me, I don’t want his messing up his schedule trying to get out here, so if he mentions that to you, talk him out of it, okay? Tell him you’ll check on me and let him know, even if you don’t want to come by, make something up.” She told me, and it sounded like she was sort of asking me to visit her, without actually coming right out and saying it.
“Macy, I’ll come see you anyway… I just can’t have him not knowing something major is going on. I’ll take you to the hospital or wait with you or whatever you need… just as long as you tell him.” I was half-surprised when I heard myself volunteering my services and company to her. It’s not that I wouldn’t do it, I just, didn’t expect to hear myself saying that.
There was a pause and a shaky breath, I could tell she’d started crying. Oh hell, what had I done now? “Macy?”
“Thank you. Really, thank you. I didn’t want to ask you, but I don’t… feel right asking anyone else to come. I mean, I know they’re my friends and I’ve known them longer, but you’re like, the next best thing to having Nick here. I just feel… more comfortable or safer or something around you. I know that’s weird, I do. And I’m sorry.” Her words just spilled out, coming quickly like she didn’t have much control over them.
“What are you apologizing for? Granted, I don’t know your friends, but, I’d daresay I probably would have a better bedside manner than most of the SoCal Hottie Crew.” I was pleased she laughed at my comment, rather than taking offense. Sometimes I still just wasn’t sure about her.
She sniffled, “Thanks, Summer. Should I call him now?”
I looked at the clock, “Now is as good a time as any. Just call and get it over with. “
“I will. Thanks again. I’ll let you know what’s going on later.”
“I’ll be waiting.” I hung up the phone and went into the kitchen to work on dinner, figuring I should keep myself busy until the phone rang again.
----
I rolled over and reached for the phone, thankfully finding it before I had to turn the light on. “Hello?”
“You’re not greeting me by name now?” Nick asked.
“Sorry. Hello, Nick.”
“Were you expecting someone else?”
“I was sleeping, you caught me a little off guard. What’s going on?”
“I know what’s wrong.”
“What’s wrong with…”
“Macy.”
“Oh, right. Macy.” Good, she told him. Now I didn’t have to have an issue with being dishonest. “So what did she tell you?”
“She’s been to a couple doctors and one of them wants to do some surgery on her… she’s got some heart problems…” his voice trailed off and I recognized the sound immediately, he was feeling guilty for everything he’d said earlier. “I gotta come home. She told me not to, but I can’t not, right? I should be there. She told me she might ask if you’d look in on her, so I didn’t have to… but I should, shouldn’t I? I’m her boyfriend, I should be there. I love her, I should want to be there with her…”
“Do you WANT to be or do you feel like you SHOULD be?” I was curious, the way he’d said things hadn’t really made that clear.
There was a long pause, like he was really thinking about it or carefully choosing his words. “I feel like I SHOULD be, like that’s what’s expected of me, but… I do… want to see her, too. I’d be there if it was you.”
Again, he throws me for a loop. Was that just commentary? Was it a definitive statement? I ignored it and said, “Nick, if she told you not to come… don’t. It would probably stress her out more, if she was worrying about what you were missing by being with her. I’ll go visit her. I’ll give you updates or whatever you want me to do. You focus on your job, she’ll get through this and I’ll visit whenever I’m not at work.”
“Work? What?”
“Oh, yeah, I got a job today!” I smiled, he was always easy to distract.
“Where?”
I told him the name of the studio and he recognized it immediately, Tate or someone had had work done there as was a big fan of the artists.
“Really you don’t mind going to see her? I didn’t think you liked her much.”
“Nick, I barely know her. But I never said I didn’t like her. I don’t mind visiting her. I know hospital stays are terrible… I take balloons and flowers and games and the whole deal, okay?”
“You’re awesome, Summer.”
“Yeah, I know.” I said, laughing.
“I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“No biggie. Go get some sleep yourself, Dick. I’ll talk to you later. I love you.”
He didn’t say anything right away, and then finally told me “good night” and hung up almost before the words were out of his mouth. Weird. But, it was Nick, nothing was really THAT odd with him.
---
I was in the middle of a really hot dream starring me and some faceless guy with a wicked talented tongue when the phone rang again and scared the hell out of me. “HELLO?!?”
“Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I squinted at the clock and yawned. “Nick, it’s almost four in the morning… I was sleeping, of course the phone startled me.”
“I haven’t been to sleep yet.” He said, but I could tell that by his voice.
“I know you’ve got a lot on your mind. But don’t worry about it too much, she’s a tough chick… I mean, c’mon, she has to be, she’s dating you.” I told him, trying to sound as lighthearted as I possibly could while still being half-asleep.
“I wasn’t thinking about… her.”
“Oh. Okay, well, what’s going on then?” I sat up, trying to make sure I’d stay awake for whatever he said. If I stayed laying down, the chances seemed very small.
“I love you.”
“I know. I love you, too.” Shit, this sounds like a terrible start. Is he going to decide he feels too guilty about not being with her and decide I’m in the way or something?
“No, I mean… I love you. Not just you’re-my-best-friend kind of love… I love you. Like, in love with you love you. I always have been. I kept trying to tell myself I wasn’t, but I am. I know it, I feel it, I can’t keep trying to convince myself I’m not. I’m thinking about her and you and what’s going on and I know it’s terrible, but, I had to tell you.”
I know my mouth was hanging open, that was the absolute last thing that I would have ever guessed would have come out of his mouth. And I had nothing to say in response. I was totally speechless.
I wouldn’t have had much of a chance to say anything, because he started talking again, “Summer, I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said anything… we were just talking earlier and it was just … THERE and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I went to bed and all I could think about was you. My girlfriend is going to have fucking heart surgery and all I can think about is calling you and telling you that I’m in love with you.”
“Wh-what about… Macy?” I squeaked. My heart was pounding so fast my brain couldn’t keep it from exploding and make my voice work, too.
“I love her, I do, but… I don’t know… it’s just… not the same somehow.” I heard him make a growl-y noise, like he was just aggravated with everything. “I’m fucking stupid, aren’t I? Don’t answer that.”
“No, you’re not.” Oh good, that came out sounding calm enough. Could he make this any fucking harder on me? I guess I felt better, though, knowing he was in the same damn place I was. I hadn’t said it outloud, but I loved him with everything I was… still, in spite of everything, maybe because of it.
“What now?” he asked, his voice a whisper.
“I don’t know, Nicky.” I said, softly. I felt like being louder would jostle whatever was passing between us on the phone… I wondered if he felt as shaky as I did.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too. In the best friend kind of way, and the I-still-think-you’re-the-only-guy-for-me kind of way… that never changed.”
“We can figure this out, right?”
“Not right now. Not… anytime soon. Macy first, then… us.” I said, finger twirling my hair like crazy, a sure sign I was a nervous wreck.
“I know. I can’t hurt her. Definitely not now.”
“Especially not now.” I told him. “It’ll work out. Whatever’s supposed to happen… for all of us… it’ll work out.” And one of us was going to end up a disaster.
“I gotta get some sleep.”
“Can you sleep now?”
“I feel better now that I told you.”
“Good… sweet dreams, we’ll talk more later, okay?”
“Yeah, good night.” I heard the phone click and then I rolled over to hang mine back up.
I lay back in the pillows, wide awake now. Everything about this felt so wrong. Extra evil… I was that girl, the one that was going to come between them even though I didn’t want to be.
I slid out of bed to find my MP3 player and went out on the back patio, curling up in a chair and looking through the songs to find the one I wanted. I felt like I was allowed this moment, outside in the dark, where I could let myself feel like anything was possible, before the sun showed up and tomorrow really started and I had to figure out what the fuck was going to happen. And how I could, if there was any way, for me to not to the Bitch That Ruined Everything.
I pressed play and slouched back in my chair to look at the stars. “My love, did you ever dream that it could be so right? I never thought that I would find all that I need in life… all that I want, I know I found it in you…”*
(* “Candy Rain” – Soul for Real)