As soon as I was pulling into the driveway, I pretty much got insanely depressed. I was back… alone and facing infinite amounts of boredom again. Fuck.
----
I was only about half-way done packing when my cell phone rang. I grabbed it, singing along with the song as always, “What’s up, Nick?”
“I’m… BATMAN!”
I cracked up, of course, and finally retorted, “No, I’M BATMAN!”
“Then who am I?!?”
“Batman’s pansy-ass sidekick?”
“Why am I the pansy-ass sidekick?” he asked, indignantly.
“Because I’m BATMAN!” I shrieked.
There was a pause and he said, “You probably were the better Batman.”
“Probably?!”
“Alright, alright… you were.” he relented, chuckling.
I was smug now, and more depressed than I had been upon arriving back here. “Thank you… now what brought that on?”
“I’ve just been sitting around waiting here in the hotel room and turned on the tv to see what was on… and here the movie was… wasn’t to that part yet, but of course, it made me think of you and the sheets…” He laughed again, but it wasn’t an entirely happy laugh. I figured it was because he was thinking the same things I was and missing those times.
“Oh the sheets…” After we’d seen “Batman Forever” I sometimes randomly felt compelled to jump up on beds and grab the sheets, holding them around my arms to flap like batwings while proclaiming that “I am Batman!” a la the insane-asylum version of the Riddler. It never failed to crack Nick and me up completely.
“Hold on… here it is!” he said, and I could tell he moved the phone away from his ear and put it near the tv so I could hear Jim Carrey.
We both laughed and then there was silence again as the closing credits song came on. I don’t know what it was about that song, but it never failed to result in spontaneous clothing removal and crazy sex.
“You don't know how you took it… you just know what you got… Oh Lordy, you've been stealing… from the theives and you got caught… in the headlights… of a stretch car… you're a star…” (*)
I wanted to be touching him so badly. I wasn’t sure why either of us wanted to do this to ourselves… but somehow it was better that he was doing it, too… it wasn’t just me that was back there again.
“I wanted to…” he said, softly.
“I know, I did, too…” Practically every time he’d looked at me, I’d wanted to. Wanted to tear his clothes off, kiss his entire body, feel him on me, against me, inside me.
“And not even just that night.. when we were dancing… you were killin’ me…but, like, every time I looked at you… I couldn’t… not think about it.”
“I know…” I knew he wanted to… I’d seen it in his eyes, just as much as I’d felt it in my own body.
“I miss you.”
“I miss you, too.” I couldn’t say anything else… there was too much to say and not enough words.
In the silence, I heard more of the song, and couldn’t tell if I wanted to hang up and cry, or beg him to reconsider all the decisions we’d made about us.
“Of course you're not shy … you don't have to deny love… hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me… (*)
_____
After we’d gotten off the phone, I gave up on unpacking. I couldn’t do it anymore and I just didn’t care. I was so mixed up and really I just sort of felt… guilty. I wasn’t trying to mess things up with him and Macy… and maybe I wasn’t even making the mess I thought I was. Just because he thought about me… or maybe even just sex with me… didn’t mean that there was anything else going on.
But it also didn’t mean there wasn’t anything either.
I went back to my bags to get my MP3 player and then stripped down to my undies, then slid in bed. I put the earphones in my ears and curled up with the pillows. I was going to give myself tonight to wallow and that was it. Tomorrow it was over.
I skimmed the songs until I found the one I wanted to hear, put it on ‘repeat’ and waited to fall asleep… and probably have some fucked-up dreams about being with Nick again… just like I’d had for the past week.
“We watch the season pull up its own stakes… and catch the last weekend of the last week… before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced, another sun soaked season fades away… You have stolen my heart… invitation only, grand farewells… crash the best one, of the best ones… clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight…You have stolen my heart… and from the ballroom floor we are in celebration… one good stretch before our hibernation… our dreams assured and we all will sleep well… you have stolen my heart... you are the best one, of the best ones… we all look like we feel… You have stolen my heart…” (**)
-----------
I sat bolt upright in bed the next morning, disconcerted by the phone ringing. I figured there was no way Nick would be calling now, so I had no idea who it would be. I reached for the phone, and picked it up, “Hello?”
“Summer? It’s Macy…”
Oh… she wasn’t wasting any time. “Hey Macy…”
“I woke you up, didn’t I? I’m sorry…”
“No, you’re fine…” I looked around for the clock, surprised it was only 7:23 am. Okay, she was a little too early.
“I got to work a few minutes ago and I just couldn’t wait to call you.. I wanted to hear everything. Is he okay? Is he sleeping enough? Is he eating healthy?”
I finally sat up and had to laugh at her, “He’s fine… he’s on the road, which means he doesn’t sleep much and he eats whatever someone puts in front of him.”
“Oh… I didn’t… I don’t really know… how it is … out there,” she said, softly.
“I know, I didn’t mean to sound like that… sorry. It’s just… totally not like real life. It might as well be another dimension or something.” I told her.
“Can I… can I come over tonight? After work? Or we could go to dinner somewhere, maybe?”
“Yeah… but let’s go out… there’s no food here…” I said.
She gave me the name of a restaurant and directions and we agreed to meet when she got off work. I hung up with her and got out of bed, knowing I’d never get back to sleep.
The day actually went much quicker than I expected it to. I kept busy, though, and I’m sure that made the time go faster. I unpacked, did laundry and ran to the grocery store, while waiting for my pictures to be developed at the one-hour photo place. I’d had all of them printed for me, to add to the scrapbook that was sort of the unfinished chapter of Nick and I, and had doubles made of most of the shots for Macy, so she could get a little idea of what the week had been like. I’d left a few out… she didn’t need to know that I’d snapped a shot of him while he was sleeping naked or when I’d ambushed him coming out of the shower.
I was running a little late when I finally got on the road to find the place she’d wanted to meet…but nothing I couldn’t blame on the highly reliable California traffic. The restaurant was more of a café and it was practically hidden – I drove past it once, completely missing it. When I finally found a place to park and got inside I immediately knew this would have been some place that Nick would have loved.
I found Macy sitting at a table near the window, her back to the sun, so she was sort of illuminated by the sun shining in the window. I slid into the booth across from her, “Hello, angel.”
She gave me a quizzical look, “What?”
“The way you’re sitting here with the light behind you… you look like an angel in one of those religious paintings my great-grandma had all over her house.”
“Thank you?”
I had to laugh at her, she was so…uncertain about me still. “That was a compliment.” I smiled at her, “This place is cute…”
“Yeah, it’s one of my favorites… Nick showed it to me,” she told me.
I nodded, “It seems like his kind of place.”
She looked at me in a way that seemed sort of sad and said, “I don’t think I’m ever going to know him as well as you do.”
Uh oh. I’d managed to get over feeling guilty, but apparently, she was going to help me with a few new reasons. I protested, though, “Macy… I’ve just known him longer… and in some ways, I know you know him better and know things about him that I don’t.. just because you and I are different and see different things in him and bring out different parts of his personality.”
She thought about this for a second, and then seemed to let it go. She took a sip of her water and asked, “So, how was it?”
“It was good… entertaining as always…” I said, grabbing my bag to find the pictures I’d brought for her. When I glanced up at her, she looked like she was waiting for more, like surely I wouldn’t say that and just leave her hanging. “…and I printed some pictures for you.”
Her face totally lit up. “You did?!?
“Yeah, scoot over…” I waited as she slid over in the booth and I moved to sit next to her, so I could explain what was going on in some of the shots. More than a few of the pictures contained images that I was willing to bet no one would have been able to figure out what was going on, had they not been there.
It took almost two hours to get through all the pictures, explaining them, telling stories, pausing for me to laugh so hard I was about to cry. I could tell Macy was enjoying the vicarious experience, but was also more than a little upset she hadn’t been there herself.
When she’d put the photos away, she said, “It’s been hard for me since he’s been gone, but last week just seemed… really bad. Knowing someone else was out there with him and I couldn’t be… I was just… jealous.”
What was I supposed to say to that? “I’m sorry, Macy… I don’t want you to feel that way. Yes, it was fun, but… at the same time… it reminded me why it was so miserable the first time around.” I whipped out my phone and got online, going to the site Nick and I had spent the most time on, amazed at the amount of shit about me that had been posted in the week I’d been out there with him. I pulled up a particularly harsh thread of commentary and handed it to her. “Here, read this.” I told her, then waved the waitress over to get a refill on my drink.
I watched Macy’s face register the shock of just how cruel some of the posts were. The speculation about my relationship with Nick was nothing… the attacks on everything about me as a person were almost unreal. I sipped on my soda while she read a little more and then handed the phone back to me.
“They’re vicious…” she said, quietly.
I nodded. “Yeah, they are. There’s a lot of nasty little bitches out there… but you’ve got to remember, they’re just jealous. We have... or had… what they want the most.”
She cracked a small smile, “I don’t think I’ve ever had reasons for anyone to be jealous of me before.”
I probably looked at her like she was crazy, “Are you serious?”
She seemed genuinely surprised I’d protested that comment, “What do you mean?”
“ I mean… I don’t even know you that well… and I can tell you’re the kind of woman I’d want to be when I grow up. You’re beautiful, you’re gracious and unassuming… and… “ I paused to laugh a little, “almost everything I’m not, personality-wise.”
“Why would that make you jealous?” she asked.
I thought for a moment, trying to find a good way to say what I wanted to tell her. I finally just said, “Because I know there will always be… people… who will prefer someone like you… instead of someone like me.”
By ‘people’, I basically meant ‘guys’… and by ‘guys’, I really kind of meant ‘Nick’. I knew I’d never be able to get him back, especially not having been with someone like her.
After I said that, there was a long silence, that stretched well into the point of being awkward, and she had one of those looks on her face like she did the first time we had talked just the two of us… like there was something she really wanted to say, but just didn’t know if she should.
When I couldn’t take it anymore, I told her, “Macy! Just SAY it!”
She looked a little startled that I’d caught on to her internal debate. She looked at me, took a deep breath and said, “I can say the exact same thing.”
Now I had no idea what was going on. “Same thing as… what?”
“That there will always be people… men, whoever, that will prefer someone like you… rather than someone like me,” she said.
I laughed a little, “Yeah, I guess it does go both ways. There probably is some crazy guy out there that’s looking for a loud-mouthed, slightly-bizarre chick like me.”
“I actually can’t imagine there are many guys who wouldn’t want you, Summer,” she said, her voice much quieter than she’d previously been speaking.
“Oh believe me, they’re out there.” I said, more as an automatic response, because what she’d said had thrown me for a loop.
She was quiet again for a moment, and I worried we were headed back to long-uncomfortable-pause territory, but then she asked, “Can we go somewhere else?”
“Um… sure…” I put money on the table for a tip, and got up, wondering what she had in mind… and why she wanted to go somewhere else for whatever it was.
When we got out to the parking lot, she stopped at my car, asking, “Is it okay if we go to my apartment? It’s not too far from here…”
“Yeah… that’s fine…” I agreed, thinking this must be one hell of a conversation… or something… we’re about to have if we’re going back to her apartment for it.
I waited for her to get into her car – a cute little champagne-colored coupe – and then followed her to her apartment. The complex was nice… it actually kind of reminded me of the place I’d lived when I first moved to Tampa… but nicer. I took a deep breath as I got out of the car, I really had absolutely no idea what was going on. Did she want to talk about something she wasn’t comfortable with discussing in public? Was she going to pitch a fit and scream and yell and call me an evil whore? Okay, that seemed kind of unlikely, but it did cross my mind.
She waved me over to her car, and said, “It’s that one… right there…”
I looked over to where she was pointing, and realized that I would have been able to guess which one was hers, even if she hadn’t told me. Outside her door was one of those old-fashioned metal milk cans with a brightly-colored flower sprouting out the top of it and a whiskey barrel, turned on its side, with a deep green vine creeping around it. It was cute without being cheesy and just made her little porch area look much more inviting than the other un-decorated ones around it.
She unlocked the door and told me to come in and make myself at home. I sat down on the loveseat, scanning the pictures on the walls while she went into the kitchen. Nothing about the room really surprised me… it was pretty simple, elegant… and seemed to be an accurate reflection of what I’d learned about her so far.
She came back into the room and sat down beside me, putting the pictures I’d given her on an end table, glanced at me and started talking. “I debated, whether I should say anything, or ask you the questions I wanted to… I had myself convinced not to… I thought maybe it would be too… forward. But I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that nothing seems to be off-limits with you, so even though it might be something I’d never ask anyone else, even my… friends… I think I could probably talk to you about it…”
She paused abruptly and I just stared at her, unable to imagine what the hell she wanted to ask me.
There was silence again and this time I just couldn’t take it. “Macy! Just ask me… whatever it is… just ask. I won’t get mad…and I’ll be honest, I swear.”
She looked at me and then looked away, and asked, “What was it like for you?”
Huh? “What was… what like for me?”
“Your relationship with Nick… when there were no fans and you weren’t dealing with all that other stuff… what was it like?” She glanced over at me and waited this time.
I thought for a moment and said, “I think… we were that couple that you saw on the beach...and wanted to be them... because everything about them was just... easy. It always looked that way... even when it wasn't.”
“Like you belonged together…” she said, softly.
And I thought I was a masochist… I had nothing on Macy. It was one thing to reminisce over my own past, but to dig through someone else’s? Someone who was your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend? That’s a whole new kind of self-torture. “Macy… you’ve never seen yourself with him… it looks just as good.”
She sighed, “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
I looked at her, “Do I really seem like the kind of person who says things to make people feel better?”
“Not really.” She admitted, laughing a little.
“There you go… now you got anything else for me?” I realized as soon as the words had left my mouth, I probably shouldn’t have gone there.
“You know.. that first time we met… when I freaked out a little… when I found out who you were… that you’d been staying with Nick?”
I snickered, “Yeah, I think I’m going to remember that for … quite a while.”
She blushed, “I’m sorry… that was… so rude of me…”
“I understand… I probably wouldn’t have reacted very well, either… he should have told you more.” I said.
“It wasn’t just that he hadn’t told me what was going on, I had this pre-conceived idea of you and what you were here for and what you’d be doing with him… because of something I’d heard him say… about you.”
I looked at her, “And what was that?”
“He was telling someone that he liked everything about me… but he wished…” she stopped, her expression told me whatever was coming next was probably going to really hurt her to say it, “that I was more like you… in bed.”
Oh. I didn’t know what to say to that, because… I could see it. I could hear him saying it, and believed it was probably true… he may have thought she was perfect in every other way… but I was probably more his… type when it came to sex. And I felt that Macy was justified in her initial feelings toward me… I’d have hated to meet the girl I’d have heard that about, too.
When I didn’t say anything, she said, “I know that his taste is… wilder… than mine… so I guess I just wanted to know… what was that like… with you and him?”
There was no good way to answer that question. At this point, though, I didn’t know what difference it would make – she’d already heard from him that it was better. I had to think again, how could I even put that into words for her. “It was… I don’t know… hardcore?” I laughed a little, that didn’t really cover it either, though. “It was … our strong point? When it was over, I always felt… used up. But in the most… amazing way… like he’d taken everything from me… and made it his…”
I felt a little flushed, just from thinking about it and the way Macy was looking at me told me very clearly she’d never felt like that before.
“It’s different with everybody, Macy…” I said, lamely trying to make her feel better. I knew it was different with everyone... and for me, it had never been as good as it was with Nick.
“I know…” she whispered, that waver in her voice like there were tears not far behind. She took a few deep breaths and said, “I’m sorry… I know… I’m the one who brought it up…”
“You’re fine… don’t apologize… I’ll be honest with you about whatever you ask… but if you don’t want to talk anymore about … this or at all, it’s fine.” I kind of wanted to hug her, but I didn’t figure she’d be a big fan of me touching her right now.
“I think I’ve asked enough questions for today,” she said, standing up. “Thanks for meeting me today and thanks so much for the pictures.. I enjoyed all the stories about them…”
I stood up and grabbed my purse, taking her hint. She was much nicer than she had to be, but she was very clearly telling me my visit was over. “I’ll talk to you later, Macy… whenever you want to talk to me again.” I told her as I was walking out the door.
She nodded and gave me a little wave when I got to my car.
Driving off, I really felt pretty bad. I didn’t want to lie to her, but in retrospect, I realized I probably should have. There was probably some subconscious, evil part of my brain that was telling me to say those things, just to prove that even though she had him now, I’d had things better.. which is probably exactly how it sounded to her. No wonder she wanted to get rid of me.
(* = “hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me” – U2)
(* = “stolen” – dashboard confessional)