The One with the Giant Cake-Eating Spider

by Nomelon

For astrothsknot who wanted: Jossverse, giant spider who only eats cake

Setting: Sunnydale, around season 2 or 3 of BtVS, nothing specific.
Disclaimer: all belongs to Joss. No money is being made, yadda yadda.
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Xander & Angel
Wordcount: 2,929 words
Summary: There's this giant spider, see? And it only eats cake, see? And, um, yeah: CRACK.
Beta: Great big thank yous to roseincognitus, from whom I stole several lines.
A/N: Bonus points if you spot Xander's use of quotes ~~I stole~~ from two of the greatest films of the 80s.

~~~

Xander skidded around the corner, moving so fast that he had to grab hold of a lamppost, needing a couple of awkward little hops to make the turn. He crashed right into Angel, running the other way, and the two of them hit the pavement, going down hard.

"Did you... did you see that thing?" Xander asked, sprawled over Angel's chest.

"Yeah," Angel said, lying flat on his back, looking just as shocked. "What was that?"

"You mean you don't know? You're older than god, right? Haven't you ever seen a... whatever that was?"

"I don't know giant spiders, Xander," Angel said, getting up on his elbows. "Unless you saw a meteor crash land tonight, or you know of any toxic waste dumps or secret government nuclear test sites around here, I'm stumped."

"Wow," Xander said, eyeing him strangely. "You really did live though the fifties, didn't you?"

"Still waiting for my flying car."

With a sudden little jolt, Xander realised that he was still lying on top of Angel. He scrambled to his feet, managing to land a heavy knee in Angel's stomach in the process.

"We need Giles," he said, falling back on tried and true methods.

"We can't just leave that thing marauding around Sunnydale," Angel said with a grunt, shoving Xander's knee away.

"It's a giant spider, not a Viking," Xander said. Angel glowered up at him, so Xander smirked helpfully. "Where's Buffy tonight?"

"I'm not sure exactly," Angel said, rising easily to his feet, all insouciant grace and annoyingly perfect vampire muscle tone. "Far side of town. She's patrolling. Vampire nest."

"Man, she always gets the easy ones. You should probably call her."

"I, uh, don't have a cell phone." Angel shifted his weight. "I can never get them to work."

"Great. Just great."

"Well, why don't you have a cell phone?"

"Okay, one? I don't own a cell phone. The parental units wouldn't spring for it." Xander peeked around the corner. "And two--" He ducked back swiftly, swallowing hard. "I can't think of two right now as I am terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought."

"Giant spider?"

"Still very much at large," Xander confirmed. "Okay. So. Plan." He snapped his fingers rapidly a few times and pointed decisively at Angel. "Payphone. I'll talk to Giles. In the meantime, you go entertain Mothra."

Angel frowned. "I thought Mothra was a giant moth."

"I happen to be a little panicked. Why don't you think of a name for the giant spider?"

Angel quirked his lips in a way Xander was positive was designed to annoy. "Mothra is fine."

"Well?" Xander waved his hand impatiently in the general direction of trouble. "Go get 'em, tiger."

"That's your plan? "Go get 'em?" Anything in the way of details? Like how I'm supposed to take on a thirty foot spider single-handed?"

"You're really asking me for tactics?"

Angel considered the question. "Yeah, you're right. Just go call Giles."

Xander hesitated, his conscience getting the better of him. "You going to be okay with this? Giant spiders are a little out of the ordinary, even for Sunnydale."

Angel grinned, managing to position himself perfectly in the shadows falling from the nearby building so his eyes were hooded and only his teeth showed, gleaming brilliant white. He produced a huge broadsword from out of nowhere, holding it just right so that the moonlight glinted along its blade. "I think I'll manage."

Xander would never have admitted it in a million years, but it looked really impressive.

---

By the time he got through to Giles, rushed through a breathless explanation and waited for Giles to wake all the way up and stammer his way through the inevitable mutterings and oh dear lords and other associated Briticisms, Xander was both running out of spare change and, against his better judgement, starting to worry about Angel. Sure, it was unlikely that the giant spider would figure out a way to dust him, but there was a whole lot of stomping, crushing, and possibly even masticating and digesting that could be going on while Xander stood around waiting for Giles to figure out what it was they were dealing with.

There were a couple of ominous thumps and thunderous crashes from one or two streets over, some yelling, a few fleeing pedestrians, and at one point something that looked suspiciously like the remnants of the Starbucks sign came flying over the roof of the Gap to smash in the middle of the street in front of him. Little shards of broken plastic came skittering across the pavement and bounced off his sneakers.

"Xander?" Giles said at last, in that Eureka! tone of voice that made Xander's ears prick up. "I've got it. It's a--"

And the phone cut out.

Xander stared in open-mouthed disbelief at the receiver for at least thirty seconds before he dropped it and sprinted back to where he'd last seen Angel. He was expecting carnage, he was expecting mayhem, he was expecting complete and total devastation.

What he got was Angel, sitting on the curb, twirling the tip of his sword on the ground, apparently lost in thought.

Xander gazed around him, looking for trouble, which was notable only by its absence. "Angel?" he said with a confused little frown, trying to catch his breath. "What are you doing?"

"Oh!" Angel leapt to his feet. "I, uh. Hi."

"Weren't you supposed to be doing battle with the giant spider?"

"Yeah." Angel looked uncomfortable, darting his gaze between Xander and the ground at their feet. "I tried that. I did the whole..." He brandished his sword and made a few awkward thrusts at the air. "But it just kind of... ignored me."

"No trying to eat you? No squashing you like an undead cock-a-roach?"

Angel only shrugged.

"Oh," Xander said. Then, "Huh." He bobbed his head a couple of times, deep in thought. "You know," he ventured, "now you come to mention it. It didn't actually seem all that interested in me either."

"Oh," said Angel.

"Yeah. I mean it could have killed me, but it just... stepped over me." Xander rubbed the back of his neck. "It stomped its way down Park and then it... Heh, funny thing. It looked like it was, uh, trying to break into the bakery."

Angel shifted his weight onto his back foot. "The bakery."

"Yes," Xander said a little forcefully, feeling slighted. "You know the one on Main Street? A little ways past the Magic Shop? They do those really good donuts?"

"I wouldn't really know," Angel said. "What with the not eating food thing."

"They also do excellent cakes," Xander supplied helpfully.

"Okaaaay." Angel pulled a face. "A giant spider that only eats cake. I... I gotta admit, I don't quite know what to do with that."

"Uh, Angel? Speaking of giant spiders. Where did it go?"

Angel spun around. Then he did it again. Xander gritted his teeth and tried really hard not to think of a vampire puppy chasing its tail.

"It was right here a second ago."

Xander threw his hands in the air. "Who loses a thirty foot spider?"

"I wasn't exactly expecting it to hide!"

They stood, completely at a loss and dithering, looking up and down the street and listening out for the distant thump of giant spider footsteps.

"Giles!" Angel exclaimed suddenly, making Xander jump.

"Where?"

"No, not--" Angel pinched the bridge of his nose. "Xander. What did Giles say?"

"Oh. He..." Xander stuck out his hand. "Gimme money."

"He asked you for money?"

"No. I want you to give me money."

Angel glanced down at Xander's outstretched hand, not looking particularly overwhelmed with the need for urgency.

"We got cut off," Xander said with an impatient little eye-roll. "I ran out of money for the phone."

"Oh," said Angel. "Right. I knew that."

"You do have money, don't you?"

"Yes, I have money," Angel sniped.

Together they jogged back to the payphone and Xander dialled Giles' number. The phone barely had time to ring before Giles picked up.

"I know what this is," Giles said immediately.

Xander pushed back his shoulders, uncomfortable with how close Angel was standing to listen in. Didn't vamps have the whole super-hearing package? The way their shoulders kept touching, surely that wasn't necessary.

"Don't keep us in suspense, big guy."

"It's not a spider," Giles explained. "It shares certain character traits with the arachnid family, certainly, but it's more demonic in origin."

"It's a giant demon spider?" Xander asked, alarmed.

"For lack of a better description... yes. But it's harmless. A herbivore actually."

"A herbivore? So it's..."

"Completely harmless," Giles said. "Except for its size, which, granted, could be problematic in a suburban setting. It needs sugar for hibernation. Tonnes of the stuff."

"Huh," Xander said. "Like cakes and donuts and... things?"

"Well... Yes, actually. I mean, originally it was fruit and nectar and honey or whatever naturally occurring sugar they could get their, ah, mandibles on, but these days, yes, that's exactly what it would go for. Carbohydrates and glucose and-and-and syrupy by-products and such."

Xander and Angel stared at one another. Xander could only shrug in the face of Angel's incredulous disbelief. It wasn't his fault that they had to take down a giant spider that only ate cake. So long as it wasn't another demon woman luring him back to her lair and trying to mate with him before she bled him dry, Xander could deal.

"So," he said with a put-upon little sigh. "What do we do?"

As they listened to Giles explain, Xander tried to keep the shoulder jostling to a minimum, but he was only human after all.

---

Hotwiring the bakery delivery van was the easy part. Loading it up with supplies from the bakery while keeping out of the giant spider's way, that part was a little more difficult. Xander let Angel take care of the distraction part of the plan, abandoning his broadsword in favour of brandishing an armful of cakes, and complaining about the frosting messing up his jacket, while Xander loaded up the van with anything and everything from the bakery's kitchens that looked even vaguely sweet. Bags of sugar, dried fruit, huge containers of syrup and honey, cakes and donuts and pastries by the armful, they all got thrown into the back of the van.

They'd found the bakery abandoned, their ovens full of creations for the coming business day. The whole place smelled like fresh baked bread and donuts and tartlets and pies and cakes and-- Xander's mouth was watering as he loaded the van, and if the occasional donut had a little bite taken out of it as it got added to the pile...? So be it.

When the van was as full as it was going to get, Xander threw open the back doors and yelled for Angel. Angel lobbed his last couple of cakes as far as he could for the spider to follow like a dog chasing a bone, and sprinted for the van.

Xander hung out the back door and extended a sticky hand. "Come with me if you want to live."

Angel rolled his eyes, but took Xander's hand and jumped up into the back of the truck. "I'm driving."

"Oh, hell no. I'm driving."

"Xander--"

"I believe I'm the one with a valid driver's license."

Angel jerked his thumb back over his shoulder. "Giant spider trumps laws of the road."

"How about one of us needs to throw cakes out the back of the van if we want the spider to follow us out of town, and I'm guessing that you have a better arm than me?"

Angel opened his mouth to argue, but frowned instead. "Fine," he grumbled, snatching up a catering size tub of peaches in syrup. "But if you crash, or if anyone sees me doing this I'll..." He trailed off when he saw Xander staring over his shoulder in horror. "There's a giant spider standing right behind me, isn't there?"

There was a sudden scuffle of movement as Xander darted for the driver seat, while Angel kicked a bag of sugar out the door and yelled for Xander to hurry the hell up.

They peeled out of the little parking lot, tyres squealing, with Xander behind the wheel, Angel clinging on for grim death, and a giant spider in hot pursuit.

---

It was an unusual experience, sitting cross-legged on the grass in the little moonlit clearing at the edge of Miller's Woods. Xander could honestly say he had never experienced anything quite like it in all his years on the hellmouth. He'd experienced better, and he'd most definitely experienced worse, but sitting here, a few feet away from the picnic benches with the little swing-set and roundabout just over there on the other side of the path, all simple, normal, everyday things, he'd definitely never experienced anything quite like it.

On one side, was a giant spider, sated on a ton of sugar, happily wrapping itself into a webbing cocoon that was starting to look rather like the huge boulder that had sat in this spot for as long as Xander could remember. He used to come here for picnics with Jesse and Willow and Willow's mom and dad when they were kids, sitting in its shade in the summer, he and Jesse chasing Willow around and around it when they were done eating.

Giles had explained that the spider was territorial. It always returned to the same spot to sleep after feeding, so that was precisely where they'd led it back to. Giles had also explained that the spider's webbing set up harder than granite, and that was how the spider slept undisturbed for all those years, hiding in plain sight.

Sure, Xander thought.

Xander thought, why the hell not?

Only in Sunnydale could a local landmark at a favourite picnic spot turn out to be a hibernating giant spider.

In front of him on the grass, Angel lay, wrapped up like a mummy, bound in the same webbing, only his head and shoulders showing, growling a little as he struggled helplessly against his bonds. The spider had eventually got a little tired of all Angel's teasing with the sweet stuff, so when they'd stopped the van, the spider had simply taken Angel out of the equation and helped itself to the contents of the van.

Xander was busy cutting Angel out of the webbing, but it was like sawing through spun steel, and it was slow going, to say the least. His arm was really starting to ache from the constant sawing.

Both of them were smeared with jam and frosting, and dusted with confectioner's sugar, and Xander was pretty sure he had strawberry cream cake in his hair.

"How long did Giles say these things hibernate for?" Angel asked.

"Decades, apparently."

Angel scowled, and cast the rapidly disappearing spider a disparaging look. "Hardly seems worth their while."

"Don't knock it, buddy. At least it wasn't out for people-sized snacks. We should count our blessings."

Angel went oddly still after this, making Xander's job a lot easier.

It took a while, but Xander worked strand by strand, and by the time the spider's huge boulder cocoon was almost completed, Xander had sawed through enough of the webbing around Angel's upper body for Angel to wiggle an arm free and take over, using his superior strength to rip free as soon as he could get a little leverage.

Xander flopped back on the grass, the muscles in his arms singing, and watched the last of the spider disappear behind its cocoon, one of its large, shiny black eyes the last thing to disappear. Xander gave a little wave as the cocoon closed up, and everything was still. He smiled and felt strangely good about things. It felt... circular. One cocoon closes and another opens.

There was an odd sort of squishing sound beside him and Xander glanced over.

"I think I just found another cake," Angel said, lifting his arm to display a chocolate cake stuck to his elbow.

"Hey, chocolate double fudge!" Xander said. "Speciality of the house."

Angel sighed heavily and held out his arm. "Just get it off me."

Xander took the cake happily and broke off a generous chunk.

"You know we really need to get that van back to the bakery," Angel said. "I've got about ninety minutes 'til sun up."

"That place is trashed," Xander said around a mouthful of cake. "You think they'll check for fingerprints?"

Angel shrugged. "Maybe we could just burn it to the ground. Blame Mothra."

Xander stopped chewing and slanted his gaze over at the boulder that he knew had a giant-sized arachnid secret inside, weighing the suggestion up.

"Xander," Angel said with a chuckle, an actual chuckle, and elbowed him. It was the cake-covered elbow, but still. "I was kidding."

"Oh," Xander said, repositioning a mouthful of cake in his cheek. "Right. I knew that."

He took another chunk of cake and saw Angel's eyes track the movement, so Xander held out the cake. It wasn't a peace offering, he told himself, definitely not. More like... the spoils of war.

Angel awkwardly scooped out a handful of cake and set a small piece on his tongue. Bemused and a little fascinated, Xander watched Angel chew carefully and swallow, moving his cheeks around and licking his lips a lot.

"You know..." Angel said after a moment. "That's not bad."

Xander grinned broadly. "You should really try their donuts."

The end.