Smoke and Mirrors (1/3)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- 'Habeas Corpses.'

Distribution- FF.net, AOH and Neurotica. Anyone else ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey

Rating- R

Summary- Lilah and Lindsey finally do their version of 'The Great Escape.'

Disclaimer- I am the kid, but it's Joss' candy store

*****

"What the fuck are we doing?"

"You tell me what the fuck we're doing," Lindsey fumed. He'd possibly just made the worst mistake of his life, dragging Lilah Morgan out of the sewer after The Beast had made an attempt to gut her. But dammit, he still felt responsible. He was the reason she was still there. He had left her there.

Now they were crammed into a coach together, in eternal darkness, heading east and bound for New York via thirty-seven different stops. They had to be careful if they didn't want to be tracked. Lindsey figured it was safer to go by bus and change often if they wanted to get to the Big Apple in one piece- assuming they didn't kill each other first.

Lilah leaned against the cool glass of the black window, wincing in pain when she moved her stomach. No matter how she sat she just couldn't get comfortable. Her body rejected any painkillers she'd tried to take and she'd ended up miserably throwing them back up again. Even though it had only been two days, she was beginning to think that the wound would never heal. And whatever happened she'd still be left with the scar, the reminder of…best not to go there.

"You fucking ripped my stomach open when you grabbed me, McDonald," she spat. Torment was fun. Other thoughts were not.

"Didn't really have an alternative. And is that your new word of choice? Fuck?"

"Got a problem with that?"

"No. Just tell me now if every other word is gonna be that. You've changed so much, Lilah."

"Yeah, well, shit happens."

"What shit?"

"Shut up. I don't wanna talk about it."

"Lilah…get over it, OK? Otherwise I'll take you back to the goddamn sewer."

"That a threat or a promise?"

"Clichés now?" Lindsey remarked sardonically. "If we're playing that game what's your favourite scary movie?"

"Nightmare on Elm Street. But only the first one. You?"

"Halloween."

Lilah smirked. "Look at us, McDonald. Having a normal conversation."

"The first one ever." He grinned. Lilah was a bitch, but he sure liked her.

"I wanted to stay." Lilah whispered, her face suddenly serious again. It was the most genuine he'd ever heard her sound or seen her look. He even found himself fighting the urge to reach out and touch her in comfort. Confusion swamped him. He didn't even like Lilah so why the hell did he come back, why did he want to touch her, comfort her so badly?

"Tell me why," he whispered back. He wanted the offer of comfort to be there. He doubted she'd take it, but the offer was there all the same.

He was right. She didn't seize it, only curled up in pain, tears stinging her eyes.

Lindsey wanted to wipe them away. But all he could do was inch closer and offer, non-verbally, the chance to talk when she was ready.

*****

"Fuck this." Lilah announced on reaching the motel room, though already plotting to steal the shampoo before Lindsey could, so at least she'd have something to call her own.

They'd made it as far as the Quality Inn in Richfield, Utah. It was a dive, sure, overcrowded to the extent that no two single rooms were left and they'd had to settle for a twin, but the sun was back and they needed to rest.

"Here we go." Lindsey threw his camping backpack onto the second bed and sighed. It was going to be a long night. "You wanna eat?"

She snorted. "That's rich. I can barely keep water down."

"Of course. I'm sorry."

"Don’t be." She crawled under the covers and closed her eyes.

"You're going to bed? It's barely seven."

"I'm tired, Lindsey."

"OK."

"What did you expect? I've barely slept in weeks, with one thing and another."

"Just thought you might wanna talk."

"I don't." And with that she pretended to be asleep.

Lindsey could tell she was feigning, breathing too deeply to really be sleeping.

Eventually after watching her solidly for an hour, he changed and went to bed himself. He thought about going over to Lilah and hugging her in her sleep. But if she woke up she'd only panic and then slap him with a restraining order.

Slipping under the covers, still watching her, he sighed. She was being a bitch and he could tell by how defensive she was acting she had something to hide. He still felt he owed her somehow, and with owing he needed to protect her. Confusion flooded him once again as he drifted off into a light sleep.

*****

Lilah shaking his shoulder in the early hours awakened him. He felt her shivering even before he opened his eyes.

"What?" he groaned and opened his eyes to look at her, understanding. She was shaking violently, pale, fingernails almost blue and blood from her stomach wound seeping through her top.

"Get in." He pulled back the duvet and helped her into his bed. The mattress shook hard with her shivering. "Where are you coldest?" he asked.

"Everywhere. The heating's broken, and…I can't get warm."

He began to rub her arms. She smiled gratefully. "I'll go back. Just two minutes."

"I think you're in shock. You should've woken me the minute you felt ill."

"I'm throwing up blood- just a little bit."

"I should take you to the ER."

"No. Too many questions. Besides, it's been happening for days and I'm feeling a little better." She moved to get up.

"Where are you going?"

"We paid for a twin."

"Get back in here. I- I don't want you to be alone." he admitted. "And another body next to mine… it's been a while."

"I wish I could say the same." she whispered painfully, barely perceptible. "It might help with the nightmares."

She turned away from him and closed her eyes.

*****

Lindsey awoke just before dawn to find Lilah hadn't got better. She was still pale, shaking and staring at the ceiling. He was suddenly plagued with guilt. He should've stayed up with her last night; he should've been there for her. He'd just have to start making up for that, starting now.

"What do you need?" he asked, propping himself on one elbow.

She shrugged.

"I…" he trailed off. "There's a pharmacy about five minutes away. I could… I don't know, Lilah. You won't talk to me. I don't know what you need. Is this is just a case of Motrin and antiseptic or do you need a doctor? Something to take the edge off."

She just continued to stare at the ceiling numbly.

Lindsey got up and dressed. "I'll be back soon." he told her. "You know, I'm trying. But you're making this really, really difficult. I know that something's wrong. And I'm here to listen if you want me to. You can just tell me, get it out of your system. I'm not gonna force you to talk about it. But, Lilah," he sighed. "I really do want to help you." He crossed over to the door and placed his hand on the doorknob. "I'll be back soon."

When she was sure he had gone, she turned over, burying her face in the pillow and began to sob.

*****

They checked into a twin at the Ramada Inn, Grand Junction. Lindsey had wanted to get a double so he could check on Lilah more readily in the night, but she had insisted on a twin.

Immediately, Lilah crawled into the bed on the right side of the room. He followed her, sitting on the edge of the mattress. "Do you feel better?"

"Do you want the truth?"

"Yes."

"No, I don't feel better. I feel like shit. Some *thing* with a claw made of rock tried to rip my insides out. How do you think I feel?" she breathed raggedly.

"You always could do that."

"Do what?"

"Make me feel like I'm nothing."

"I didn't mean to." An apology stuck in her throat.

"Tell me, Lilah. Please. Keeping it inside is making you ill."

"That's the thing… I couldn't. Keep it inside."

"What?"

"There was…a guy. And I was having his baby. I only knew for a few hours but I was so fucking happy. I loved him, and…it's stupid, isn't it? Me. A mother. But I had all these ideas in my head of how our baby would look. And then…the beast ripped it out of me. And that's what's making me ill."

Lindsey didn't say anything for a moment. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Sadness rose in a lump to his throat. He slipped under the covers and cuddled into her back.

"I'm so sorry, Lilah. I'm sorry, that was lame. But I am. I don't know what to say."

"It's OK. You're the only person I've told so you've got nothing to live up to."

He drew her closer to him, locking his arms fully around her. "Is this too much? Do you need anything?"

"No. All I need is for you not to walk on eggshells around me."

"I know this guy… in New York. He can erase memories."

"Would it erase tonight?"

"Yes. Why would you want to remember tonight?"

"It's the nicest anyone's ever been to me."

"Maybe you just need it." He gave her waist a gentle squeeze. "I should head back to my own bed. Give you some space."

"No." she put her hand on his arm. "Will you stay? I'm not feeling great. But if you want to leave..."

"No, I'll stay. You're really warm, it's nice. If you feel rough in the night, wake me."

"Why are you doing this? Being so nice? Because you feel sorry for me? If that's it, it's the last thing I need."

"You've had a tough time, Lilah. I'm just trying to make it better." He pulled his knees up towards hers and cuddled closer.

"Goodnight, Lindsey."

"Goodnight."

She closed her eyes and allowed her confused mind to simply swim with images, finding Wesley there right at the forefront. She tried to imagine he was the one she'd just told and he was the one cuddling her now. Still the imagery just wasn't there. This was Lindsey. It was Lindsey she could smell on the sheets and his arm over her. That was just something she'd have to get used to.

*****

Lindsey awoke to an empty bed. Sitting up, he saw Lilah was staring blankly out of the window, a cold cup of coffee in her hands.

He got up and went over to her, one hand curling around her waist in comfort. "Hey," he said in her ear. "How are you feeling?"

"Not much better to be honest." She continued to stare blankly ahead. "I'm still being sick. I still can't sleep."

"Lilah, let me take you to a doctor."

She shook her head.

"Please," he continued. "You've lost blood. And you probably need a few sutures. Maybe some iron tablets. It'll make you feel better."

"But the problem is more psychological than physical, right?"

"Understandably. The doctor can give you something for that too."

"How am I supposed to explain any of this?"

"We'll come up with something."

Lilah paused for a moment and then turned to him, causing him to move his hand away quickly. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"If the Beast hadn't have ripped it out of me…what would've happened?"

"Would you have wanted it?"

"Yes. More than anything."

"Then…I would've made sure you had a nice apartment. Money. A job."

"Would you have been there for us?"

"If you'd wanted me to be. Of course."

"I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather have as my baby's father figure right now." She took a deep breath, turned away and set the cup down on the windowsill. "But what's done is done, right? And these painkillers are blatantly having a detrimental effect. We should start packing. Better keep moving. Or else the Beast will find us and rip out something I actually need, like my liver."

*****

They chose to get a double at the Ramada Limited, Ogallaia. On entering Nebraska, Lindsey had bought Lilah some clothes, which she'd grudgingly accepted. After all, it had to be better than running around in his shirt, a single skirt, shoes that were falling apart and underwear she had to wash out every night. She'd even bitched at him to buy her mascara, which Lindsey took as a sign that she was getting better.

She was applying said mascara, perched on the edge of the bed, when he returned with their dinner. She crinkled her nose in distaste as the McDonalds bag, raised an eyebrow and set down the tube of make up and mirror. "What'd you bring me?"

He began unloading the food from the bag onto the bed. "A Big Mac. Chocolate shake or coke- whichever you prefer. A cinnamon doughnut."

"What did you get?"

"A McChicken sandwich. Strawberry shake. Cinnamon doughnut."

"Wanna split it?"

"You don't like Big Macs?"

"I hate gherkins. Pick them out for me."

"The things I do for you," he grumbled, doing as he was asked as she crawled across the bed towards him. He noticed there was no blood on her shirt. "Did your stomach stop bleeding?"

"Yeah. Thank God. After, what? Four days? I think I was unconscious for a day before you found me."

"Has it made you feel any better?"

"Yes… and no. I guess I have less to remember but…there's still bleeding elsewhere." Her body language plainly told him to drop the subject.

"OK, Morgan," he said after a pause. "Why a double this time around?"

"You're warm. And I like being cuddled- tell anyone and I'll kill you."

"I kinda like being cuddled too."

"Well, I'm not feeling ready to hug just yet. But when I am, I will."

He decided to change the subject once again. "So- shake or coke?"

"Shake. Strawberry." She smiled slyly.

"Bitch. That's mine."

She swiped it out of his hand and licked the straw. "Not anymore."

*****

They'd made it as far as the North Platt Comfort Inn without killing each other- actually getting along well. Ever since she'd opened up to him they'd been sharing a bed. They even cuddled for half the night, until around three a.m. when Lilah freaked out and shoved him aside. Even then he'd kept his hand on her hip and murmured sleepily, 'I'm here if you need me.'

Sometimes she'd wake up either gasping or crying. Lindsey would simply sit up and put a hand on her shoulder until she stopped shaking. He never said anything because he understood that she didn't want him to.

Now it was seven a.m. They'd been up for an hour already, and Lindsey was packing their possessions away as Lilah applied a coat of clear lipgloss. She looked up to find Lindsey smiling at her for no reason.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just watching."

"Don't."

"Sorry. Next time I'll stare at the wall," he snapped, slightly annoyed.

She tensed, sensing his irritation. "Wanna look at my stomach?"

"What?"

"It's almost completely healed."

He cautiously walked around the bed and sat down beside her, noting her nervous smile and understanding how delicate this situation was.

She pulled her top up a fraction to reveal the red, raised, almost-scar. "It feels weird. Like a… I don't know. You wanna touch it?"

"No."

"Wuss." she teased.

"Am not."

"Squeamish wuss."

"Lilah, no. It's where…" he trailed off.

She dropped her light hearted expression almost instantly. "And there I'd gone five whole minutes without thinking about…"

"I'm sorry."

"No, I am. But this whole respect thing is new to me."

He looked into her eyes. "Respect?"

"Sure… You'll never hear me say this again but thank you." Impulsively she leaned forward to hug him. It lasted for all of fifteen glorious seconds but they still found the time to take comfort in each other's arms.

*****

"So come on, McDonald." Lilah said when they were comfortably settled on the coach. They'd decided they needed to get to Iowa by tonight at the latest. From that, Lindsey deduced they could be in New York in three days. Which was something they really needed to talk about but were both avoiding.

For now, he'd wrapped her up in a cheap blanket bought back in Colorado and she was resting her head against the window staring at him. "What's your big secret?"

"I honestly don’t have one. What’s yours?"

"You know it. You've seen me in various states of emotional distress over it."

"So come on, I want your life story."

"Why?"

"We've got time to kill… and I'm interested," he admitted.

"You first."

"Not much to tell."

"I don't even know which state you're from." She foraged in his bag for a bottle of Evian.

"Are you Okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine. Back on topic."

"I'm from Oklahoma. The back of beyond and believe me when I say that. I remember our first house. You couldn’t see anything for miles; it was just a dust bowl. The house didn't even have a floor. It got repossessed when I was seven. We got moved into slum housing in Oklahoma City. My mum died that year of pneumonia- my younger brother and only sister too. So that left my dad, me and four older brothers."

"What happened next?" Lilah had been watching him intently over the lid of the water bottle, his words evoking an unfamiliar sympathy in her.

"My oldest brother got a full scholarship to Hastings. Wolfram and Hart. They put all four of us kids through law school. Of course two of them are now sacked- actual sacks. One of them is still alive- barely- in the Cairo office."

"Wow." She squeezed his hand in sympathy, then on realising what she was doing, curled up in a tight ball, as far away from him as possible.

"So what’s your story?"

"Grew up in small town Nevada. Only child. Abusive father. Ran away. Wolfram and Hart found me. The end."

"How old were you when you ran away?"

"Fourteen. To San Francisco. I had to- to stop myself from getting knocked up. I enrolled in school, got a room at the Y. For as long as I can remember I've looked after myself."

"Not any more. New York."

"What about it? You go your way, I'll go mine."

"But after the mind wipe you won't remember not to go back to the firm. You’ll get yourself killed."

"OK, point, but…" she trailed off, unable to think of a logical argument why they shouldn't stick together. "I won't remember we're friends."

Lindsey couldn’t help but feel flattered. "We're friends?"

"Sure. How much memory can this guy erase?"

"Everything… if you want him to."

"But then all I'm left with is a laceration in my stomach unable to remember my own name. Do you think amnesia's the answer?"

"I can't make that decision for you."

She sighed. "I guess I can decide later." She rested her head against the window, pretending to be already asleep.

Lindsey shifted in his seat so he could watch her. Unconsciously, he wiped away an eyelash that has fallen onto her cheek. When she shivered draped his jacket over her. He adjusted the collar and she obliviously nuzzled into his hand. He cupped her cheek, smiling, and feeling… something. Taken aback, he moved away. He realised, as of yet, he had no way of defining his relationship with her.