Silver Cloud, Bitter Lining (19/19)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- BtVS- 'Phases' 'Wrecked'

Distribution- FF.net, AOH anyone else just ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey, Lilah/Gunn undertones

Rating- R

Summary- Everyone has regrets sometimes…

Disclaimer- not mine… yadda, yadda

'Every hospital has exactly the same smell and colour," Cordelia noted to herself ruefully, as she made her way to Lilah's room in the accident and emergency department at Sunnydale general.

She couldn't believe it was scarcely an hour ago she had driven Lilah and Dawn, accompanied by Buffy and Willow to check them over, though they appeared to have no obvious life threatening injuries they were both pretty shaken up.

Cordy approached the door to Lilah's room to find Willow loitering outside looking deathly pale and concerned.

"Hey," Cordelia said quietly, touching Willow's arm lightly.

"Hey," Willow, repeated, gesturing to the carrier bag Cordy held in her left hand, "What's in the bag?"

"Usual," Cordy shrugged, "Clean shirt… her other one got kinda ripped… toothpaste, soap… and some stuff for Dawn as well."

"That was… harsh," Willow said visibly shaken, "I mean…. Living on a hellmouth… you see some things. I've had my share of weirdness… I've dated a werewolf… and the magick… but Lilah. She was letting herself get tied up… by a vampire. She was letting him touch her and then I staked him and…" She was breathing raggedly by now, "I guess I don't understand. That's all."

"None of us do," Cordy told her, as the door opened and the doctor looked at his clipboard and hurried on down the bustling corridor.

"I should…" Cordy gestured to the door, and removed Lilah's shirt, toothpaste, bath towel and soap from the bag, handing the bag now containing only Dawn's stuff to Willow.

"Go ahead… I'll go and give this to Dawn…"

"Keep me updated," Cordy told Willow, taking a deep breath and opening the door.

Lilah was sat on the edge of the bed, wearing Buffy's grey v-necked sweater.

Cordy was shocked by the way she looked.

Purple bruises seemed to taint visible skin. Red grazes were beginning to appear on her cheeks and blue bruises of finger marks on her throat and neck had formed already.

Her cartoid pulse point on the right of her neck was almost black and held tiny cuts of teeth marks.

"Are you OK?" Cordy said, attempting to hug her, feeling completely useless.

Lilah stiffened at her touch and flinched away.

"I'm fine…" she told Cordy, "The baby's fine…" she gestured to a cut on her right temple, "Glued and three stitches. They said it'd definitely scar a little this time…"

"Scars are stories of heroism," Cordy told her.

"Some hero…" Lilah said dejectedly, "How's Dawn?"

"Probably better than you… the cut in her head where she kinda also got knocked out wasn't as deep as yours…"

She brought her wrists forward to investigate the deep purple bruising there.

"I'm an idiot…" Lilah said, completely bled of emotion.

"You said it not me…" Cordy told her, though no judgement was evident in her voice. She moved to touch Lilah's arm but she gently snatched it away.

"I don't really want to be touched right now…" she explained, "Not after Gunn… when we get home I want to take a day long shower…"

"When do you get out of here?" Cordy asked.

"Pretty much now… they checked everything out and I'm fine… the stitches are dissolvable."

"That's good… it's means we don't have to stick around here for another week… if you don't want to…."

"I like that in LA you can lose yourself in a crowd… but here… there are memories."

Cordy's face softened.

"Why? Why you and Gunn? Why now?"

"Because he's everything Lindsey's not. He was dangerous and exciting… he was a vampire. He felt so cold but… I just wanted to know how it would feel. With Lindsey everything's so stable. No risk involved… a set up life plan for the next twenty years… and for one moment… I didn't want it. Any of it. Lindsey, the baby, the apartment with the view of the ocean. All I wanted was Gunn and all I could feel was the passion for him. I just… let go and forgot everything."

"And you were happy? There with Gunn?"

"No… It was clarifying. It made me realise I love Lindsey and how much I want to be with him… he gone hasn't he?"

"I'm sorry, Lilah. I went back to house to get you some clothes and… his stuff was gone… the car too."

"Did you call LA? What if he shows there?" Lilah said, hopefully her eyes filling with tears.

"They're on red alert… they've promised to call… if he shows."

"Do you think he will?"

"Not for a while…" Cordy told her, honestly yet tactfully, "I think he has some serious thinking to do… I think you do too…"

"What's wrong with us?" Lilah asked Cordy painfully, letting the tears run down her cheeks, "I love Lindsey. I think he loves me… why aren't we together?"

"You're not ready for him yet… He's not ready for you… I think this little charade with Gavin and the law firm from hell proved that. Why were you going to go back to them? After everything?"

"I don't know… I don't know what I was thinking. I was leaving Lindsey, I was leaving LA… and horrible as it was I thought Gavin was all I had left…"

"That was never true…" Cordy told her, "You always had… us. Me, Angel, Connor… a whole circle of people who care about you…"

"Now with a huge Lindsey shaped gap…"

"I've been there… time's a great healer."

"You truly are the queen of clichés."

"So… what next?" Cordy asked tentatively.

Lilah shrugged.

"I don't know… I'm surround by people… I just feel…"

"Completely alone?" Cordy finished for her, "You're not. There's a soulled vampire and a kid back in LA who are missing you a lot. And a room in the hotel with your name on it… or a sofa at Chez Cordelia's… whatever you decide…"

"I can't still have choices… I can't snap my fingers, go under anaesthetic and make the past five months disappear."

"It's really happening then?"

Lilah nodded, taking a deep shaky breath.

"I have to do this… without Lindsey… and I'm scared…"

"Don’t be… you have a tonne of people to help you…"

"I don't trust anyone… I can't…"

"I know… you need to re-build… and that's OK…"

"What's OK?" Dawn asked from the doorway.

"Not a lot right now…" Cordy told her honestly.

She watched Dawn admiringly as she flung her arms around Lilah.

"Are you OK?" Dawn asked her.

"I'm fine… more importantly are you?"

"One stitch," Dawn said, "My very first battle scar. You?"

"Three…"

"You did good in there…" Dawn offered awkwardly, "Even though it was Gunn. You could've let him kill me and had him back forever."

"No," Lilah shook her head; "There was no way. It wouldn't have been Gunn… not really… how could I have let him kill you?"

"Besides, we already have one brooding, damned for all eternity vampire…" Cordy pointed out, "I don't think Angel wanted to lose his unique-ness."

"How you thought yet?" Dawn asked Lilah, "About anything?"

"No," Lilah told her truthfully, "Except that it's me versus the world now."

"It's at least Lilah and Cordy versus the world," Cordy told her.

"Or Lilah, Cordy and Dawn versus the universe," Dawn said, optimistically.

"So it's Dawn, Cordy and Lilah versus the universe… is that the way it'll always be?"