Phoenix is nice (2/2)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- general for season 4 up to 'Habeas Corpses'

Distribution- FF.net, AOH and Neurotica. Anyone else ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey, Lilah/Wesley past

Rating- R

Summary- Lilah and Lindsey try their hand at domestic bliss… and then it shatters… or does it?

Disclaimer- fuck. You. Whedon. (and others- you know who you are.) not mine.

*****

Lilah couldn't stand to watch Lindsey leave. Instead, after a sleepless night on Ava's bedroom floor, she bundled her daughter up in a winter coat and they went out for breakfast at Denny's.

Of course she's left him a note. Couldn't bear to watch you walk out on me again. I love you. Lilah. And then she'd changed her mind and struck through the 'I love you' part. What was the point in telling him? He'd made it clear last night her feelings weren't reciprocated. Maybe they never had been.

Denny's was almost deserted given the early hour. It took Lilah a cup and a half of coffee to pluck up the courage to start up this difficult conversation with Ava.

"Ava…"

She looked up from counting the pancakes in her stack. "Ten."

"That’s great…"

"Where's Daddy?"

Lilah paused, fingers tracing over the handle of her coffee cup. "Ava- your Dad and I both love you very much."

"I know…where is he?"

"Lindsey and I have been fighting a lot recently. So he won't be living with us for a few days. He still loves you, very much, he'll come round and see you every day."

"Doesn't he love you too?"

"I wish I knew." She gave a weak smile and slid into the booth next to her daughter. The four-year-old began to sob.

"Can't you make him love you?"

"You can't make somebody love you."

"God makes you love me."

"No- I love you because I do." She inwardly cursed the religious kindergarten teacher and gestured to the waitress. "Could she get some ice cream?"

She scowled at Lilah's parenting method of calming the crying child. "We only have vanilla."

"Vanilla's fine."

"Strawberry sauce and wafers?"

"Yes." She smoothed down Ava's hair. "I think we'll need it."

It was barely eight o'clock when they reached the playground, bitterly cold, but Ava had wanted to go so Lilah, feeling so guilty, grudgingly forsook chapped lips.

In her head the day was mapped out. They'd stay at the playground until lunchtime. Then she'd take Ava to a fancy restaurant and teach her how to eat spaghetti the proper way. Then to the movies. Then Ava's first trip to the Guggenheim, you were never to young to be cultured, then…

Home. A dark, cold apartment with no Lindsey. Empty. Lonely. Hopefully Ava would be exhausted enough to fall into bed so the impact on her would be minimised. But to Lilah… there would be no inane baseball game on TV for her to bitch about, no father/daughter word games and no moment where she would find them both asleep on the sofa where she would wake him and he would smile in his own very specific way, just for her.

She didn't think she'd be able to stand their bedroom for days. The bed too big without him, half his clothes gone from the closet. And what about Ava? She found it impossible being a mother at the best of times but twenty-four hours a day with no support… The tears stung her face as they snaked down her cheeks.

Wesley wouldn’t have been more surprised if a pink rhino ran into his leg than to have a four-year-old child walk into his shin. She looked up at him indignantly and with that cool stare…

"Ava? What are you doing here so early? Where's your Mother?"

"Collecting pebbles." She opened her hand to show him the stones. "Would you like one?"

"No. Thank you. Where's your Mom?"

"Behind those trees. I could take you to her…but only if you give me a piggy back ride." And somehow she managed to scramble up his back, lacing her arms around his neck. "Who are you?"

"Wesley."

"Oh…so *you're* Wesley. Mommy says she hates you and that she loves Daddy sometimes."

"Oh."

"Alphabet animal game!" Ava cheeped as they rounded the trees. "A is for ant."

"B is for bison."

They continued until Wes reached "J is for jaguar."

"K is for kangaroo."

"L is for…Lilah." Wesley said on autopilot as she marched towards them. His mind couldn't help but flash back to that feral Fourth of July when she really did scratch him like…

"Lilah is Mommy. And not an animal." Ava said, puzzled, as she was snatched away and hugged close.

"What have I told you about talking to strangers?" Lilah yelled. Ava struggled free of her arms and hid fearfully behind Wesley.

"He's not a stranger. He's Wesley."

"What's the matter?" he asked, noting Lilah's streaming, red eyes.

"Nothing. I- got dust in my eye." She wiped at them furiously with her sleeve.

"She's sad because Daddy left." Ava offered.

"Ava!" she hissed. "Go collect more pebbles. Don't go too far."

She skipped away and to fill the uncomfortable silence Wesley asked, "What's the animal alphabet game about?"

"Lindsey started it. She loves animals. Every Friday he brings her a new stuffed toy home."

"So…"

"What are you doing here?" she asked abruptly.

"I fly back to LA tomorrow. Thought I'd see some of the sights…then Ava ran into my leg."

"She ran into your leg? I'm so fucking embarrassed."

"Why? She's beautiful. She's so sweet."

"I know. And she likes you- for some unknown reason." The glare she directed at him was meant to be threatening but instead appeared defensive. "*I* don't even like you."

He swallowed and chose his moment to say, "I wish things were different."

"Wes…don't." she said tiredly.

"Don’t you?" he pressed.

Her reply came as a firm, "No. I don't."

"I look at you…and I look at Ava. And I wish…" his voice sounded broken almost.

"Don't! Just…don't." she scowled at him angrily. After all, he was the one that threw them away in the first place.

"Lilah- I -- I think there are things that need to be said. Things I need to ask you. Things I need to tell you."

She sighed and looked away. "Yeah. But give me a few hours to get my head straight."

"I'll meet you in the bar at the end of your street. 7.30." Now that things were more settled Wesley slid easily back into his business-like persona.

"I have a kid. I can't go out."

"Can't Lindsey baby-sit?"

"No! I have no excuse to get away."

"You're separated, you don't need an excuse. And since when am I an excuse?"

"Lindsey and I aren't separated. Look- stop by. 9:30. Ava should be asleep by then. I don't want her to know you're there."

"Understandably. I'll see you tonight." He half smiled. "It's been a while since I've said that."

*****

It was 10:45 and Ava wasn't listening to any of Lilah's many hints to go to bed.

She'd managed to get her to sleep at 8.00 originally once the rigmarole of kissing each of her thirty-plus soft toys, a story and Lilah getting into her bed for a cuddle had been followed.

Lilah awoke with a start at 9:15, panicking. She raced around the apartment tidying, unconsciously removing traces of Lindsey before she brushed her hair and put on fresh lipstick.

At 9.30 exactly the doorbell rang. Wesley stood there clutching a Merlot. "Thought it might be more appropriate than flowers."

Small talk followed. Mostly about the apartment as she poured the wine.

"Lilah…I…" Wesley began eventually, pausing, blushing a little.

"What? Wes spit it out!" she snapped.

He chose to ignore her outburst and went to speak again but was interrupted by a sleepy Ava.

"Just tell Mommy you love her already." She blinked. "West?"

"Wesley, yes," he confirmed.

She walked tiredly to the sofa and jumped onto his lap, placing the lion toy she was carrying over his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Lilah asked, eyes widening in panic.

"I need a drink," Ava informed her mother with a charming smile.

"I left a glass of water by your bed. Two ice cubes. Like I do every night." She said, irritated.

"I need apple juice." She smiled again.

"Ava," Lilah snapped exasperated, "Just stick to water. Goodnight."

Then from her daughter, the ultimate blackmail. "Daddy would've gotten me a drink."

Lilah sighed. "One glass. One *small* glass."

That had been over an hour ago and now Ava's entire stuffed animal collection graced the living room. First she showed each one to Wesley. Then they played the animal alphabet game at least three times. Then they arranged the toys alphabetically, then in height order, and finally according to colour.

Wesley was surprised at how natural it felt to be playing with a child but kept stealing furtive, guilty glances at Lilah who seemed preoccupied, a sadness playing in her eyes, he suspected almost a hint of what might have been.

"Come on, Ava." Lilah eventually lost all patience just after 11.00, catching her daughter off guard and pulling her into her arms. "You're going to bed."

"But the toys!" she shrieked as she was carried away.

"I'll bring them." Wesley offered. It took him several trips to return all the animals to her room as Lilah lost more of her composure by the second.

"West, will you line them up by…"

"No!" Lilah finally snapped. "We're not lining them up by percentage of fur lost or failing eyesight."

Ava blinked but then asked, "Can I have a cuddle?"

It hit Lilah then. Lindsey had been right all those years ago. Ava *was* her unconditional love complex. "Of course."

Ava directed her gaze to Wesley. "Hand me Airship."

He looked to Lilah, confused.

"She wants the cat. The cat's name is Airship."

He tucked the chosen soft toy in beside the child. She kissed him on the cheek as he did so. "Night, West."

"Good night, Ava."

"I'll be in in five." Lilah murmured, suddenly exhausted as she settled next to her daughter. She was asleep before Ava even closed her eyes.

Lilah awakened with a start at 1:58 when Wesley hissed her name from the doorway. Moaning, she stumbled out of the bed.

Ava stirred, half asleep. "Is Daddy home?"

"No."

"I miss him."

"I know."

Lilah closed the door and whispered to Wesley, "Sorry. I didn't sleep last night."

"It's OK. I dozed off in front of CNN."

"Are you leaving?"

"Not if you still want to talk."

"I do."

They made their way quietly to the couch. Lilah dropped down, tiredly, pulling the cream throw over her legs. "Can we make this snappy? Ava has school tomorrow."

"She's at school already?"

"She started when she was three. Best private kindergarten in the city. She loves it."

"And what about you? You're still an evil lawyer?" His lips curled slightly at the words.

"I'm a DA. Lindsey's defense- sometimes it gets interesting."

"So you come home, kiss and make up?" He let the disdain drip into his voice.

"It's not like that. He's Ava's father and I really do love him, it's just…"

"The sparks have gone?" Wesley guessed, almost hopeful.

"Look, it's late." Lilah evaded. "I have a 9:00 a.m. grand jury hearing. What did you want to tell me?"

"Fred and I…"

"No. I don't want to hear about how happy you are, how suburban your house is or how beautiful your kids are."

"Our marriage lasted four months. She moved back to Texas."

"Oh…I wasn't expecting to hear that." A loud crash and a scream came from Ava's room. "Or that." Lilah tensed in panic, inhaling sharply. "Ava!" She rushed into her daughter's room, Wesley following close behind. Lilah found her in a heap of furniture, cradling an obviously broken arm.

Lilah dashed over to her, yelling angrily, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I wanted to be as tall as a giraffe." She sobbed noisily. "It hurts, Mommy."

"Where's your first aid kit?" Wesley asked, ever rational.

"Kitchen."

He returned, minutes later stringing together a makeshift sling with triangle bandages. "You need to drive her to the ER."

"No! Mommy! Don't leave me!" Ava clung to Lilah tightly, hysteria setting in.

"I'll drive you." Without waiting for a response Wesley grabbed the blanket, wrapped Ava up in it, handed her to Lilah, grabbed the nearest two stuffed animals as an afterthought and guided them out of the door.

*****

"Why won't they let me stay with her?"

"I'm sure it's nothing personal. X-rays are dangerous and they don't let people in the setting room," Wesley said reasonably.

"Stop talking to me like I'm a child."

"Then stop pacing. You're making me nauseous."

Lilah dropped down into a chair, clutching Ava's stuffed tiger like a life raft. "What if she's scared? What if she's in pain? What if she needs me?"

"They gave her a morphine injection."

"Exactly. She's four years old. How's her body supposed to handle morphine?"

"The doctors know what they're doing."

"Stop! Don't talk down to me."

"Fine, fine…you want me to go?"

"No," she admitted. "I'm glad I have somebody here."

"But don't you think, he began gently, ever the hero, "It should be Lindsey?"

"I'm afraid of what he'll say. Ava didn't break her arm when he was at home." Her voice started to rise. "And you know this is your fault because you told her those giraffe stories and I don't want to have to explain and I don't remember his motel number or even where he's staying." Then stopped herself, wanting to give Wesley the impression she was as unflappable as she had been back in LA when she knew the truth was far from that.

"Breathe, Lilah. I'll drive you home. Get the number. Bring some fresh clothes for Ava."

"No, I can't leave her."

"Then I'll go. Give me your keys."

"No."

"You don't have much choice."

When he returned Lilah was sitting in an uncomfortable, plastic chair by Ava's bedside, holding her hand as she slept. He wordlessly handed her the piece of paper with Lindsey's number on it, and in return earned a thankful half-smile.

"Call him," he pressed.

"You'll stay with her?"

"Absolutely."

Lilah returned looking more relaxed. "He's fantastic. I love him and he told me he loves me. He wants to get back together and I want that too."

"So I'm to go?" he asked, fidgeting nervously. "I bought Ava a toy ant at the gift shop. I hope you don't mind."

"I'll…figure out something to tell Lindsey."

"So…this is goodbye." He glanced at Ava, feeling awkward. "She's a very precious child."

"You'll never know how much so."

"Every child is a gift."

"She's not my first…" Lilah trailed off, her eyes flashing with pain.

"Child?" Wesley said, startled.

"I didn't want to tell you this way, but…I lost our baby. I was three months pregnant but I hadn't realised until a few hours before… I had an ultrasound. The baby was healthy. I booked an appointment for a scan in two weeks to find out the sex. I walked home and was just having a shower before I told you when- all hell broke loose. And I went into work and The Beast…"

His face bleached. "I never knew," he whispered, his voice thick with anguish.

"However hard it is, you…he or she has to be in my past. Ava and Lindsey are my future."

Wesley rose, pried the toy ant from Ava's hands and left. Lilah lay her head on the pillow beside Ava and cried herself quietly to sleep.

She slept for what felt like hours but was in reality only minutes. She woke, caught in Lindsey's gentle embrace feeling calm, stable and happy for the first time in months. Neither of them spoke initially, only holding each other.

"The Doctor said we can take her home," he whispered.

"Before that…I have a confession."

"Oh?" he asked, drawing back and ceding the chair. He took her hand and pressed it to his lips.

"I… I was with Wesley tonight. Not *with* him." she added hurriedly. "I needed closure and I got it and there were zero feelings. And I missed you and I love you, so… will you forgive me?"

"Lilah," he sunk to his knees, "There's nothing to forgive. I was a mess without you- in pieces. I thought about you, every second, so…" he slid forward so he was now on one knee, reaching into his pocket to retrieve a velveteen jewellery box. "You gonna marry me Morgan?"

"Of course I am, McDonald," she said without the slightest hesitation.

He slipped the ring easily onto her finger.

"Fits perfectly," she observed, cupping his cheek.

"If you're okay with this the Hilton has a cancellation tomorrow. If we apply for a marriage license today we could be married by tomorrow night."

She grinned teasingly. "Look at us. Add Richard Gere and we have ourselves a romantic comedy."

"Is that a 'yes?'

"It's a yes," she reassured. "I need to find a wedding dress- really fast."

*****

"Lilah?" Wesley checked his watch and rubbed his eyes sleepily. "It's early."

"I know." Her eyes flicked over him before her in just his boxers and an untied terrycloth robe at his motel room door.

"Come in," he stood aside, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"And Ava?"

"She's fine also."

"Do you want to sit down?" He gestured awkwardly to the bed. "I'll just go…" she sat down as he changed in the tiny bathroom. Awkwardness flickered between them as he reappeared in jeans and a T-shirt.

"You look…" he gestured to her perfect hair, complete with white gardenia, professional make up, his eyes catching her engagement ring.

"Like I'm getting married? I am. We only decided to yesterday so it's been a bit chaotic."

"Well…congratulations."

"And I needed to see you. Say goodbye properly. And for good."

"He doesn't want you to see me?"

"No, Lindsey knows it's my life and my choice. And my choice is I can't see you again."

"Oh…"

"I have to be honest."

Wesley shifted uncomfortably on the bed. "I'd like you to be."

"You…were the first guy I ever loved…because I knew I shouldn't. But what I feel for Lindsey is based on trust and kindness- there's no rival for that kind of love." She blinked.

"All I ever wanted was for you to be honest with me."

"I chose security. And comfort. Every night I come home, and can talk to Lindsey about the most everyday things, and whatever it is he'll listen and give his opinion. And then we'll go to bed and *cuddle.* I've never done that with anyone else. It's something only he and I can do…I think it's your turn to be honest now." She told him plaintively.

"I still love you."

"Wes, you can't even come up with a reason *why* you supposedly love me. You can't put it into words- it's just emotion and images. That's not love. Besides, you're six years too late, you had your chance."

Tension crackled between them.

"I love you," he repeated, reaching out to tenderly cup her cheek.

"And I love you," she admitted. He kissed her very softly, gently, like nothing they'd experienced together before.

"I have to go. I have to get Ava ready let alone myself. Do I look okay?" she asked, suddenly formal again.

"Beautiful." He said, his voice thick with emotion.

"Goodbye, Wes."

"Goodbye, Lilah."

She left and didn't look back.

*****

"Do you realise you get zero cell network coverage out here?" Lilah said, checking her phone for the millionth time on the walk. It still read 'no signal.'

"We're on a deserted beach," Lindsey pointed out with an affectionate grin.

"I just wanted to check Ava's okay."

"You've known Claire forever and *Ava* told you to stop calling three calls ago." He caught her unawares and playfully snatched the cell away.

"No!" she shrieked, "Give it back!"

"No. You have to go six hours without making any calls and without sending any text messages."

She practically growled in frustration. "Give it back…unless you want a shorter marriage than Britney."

"Remember you said 'forever' last night?"

"And I should have said, 'forever unless you steal my cell phone.'"

He turned his back for a moment to pocket it and she used the time to catch him off guard, jumping onto his back. He resigned himself to falling, twisting so he took the main impact. In all her elusiveness, Lilah used the moment of confusion to steal the cell back. "Marriage back on…and now I have sand in my hair- eww."

"I thought the plan was to get sand *everywhere. *"

"I'm not having sex with you, on a beach, where the local temperature is six degrees."

"Don't you mean 'make love?'"

"I gotta call it that now?"

"Not if you don't want to- I just think it's nicer." He took her hand and led her down to the high tide mark where the sand was still visibly wet. She watched silently as Lindsey retrieved a stick and proceeded to write, 'Lindsey loves Lilah' in the sand. He turned back to her. "Soppy," she teased.

"Ad now we sit and wait until the tide washes it away."

"What if I get cold?"

"I'll keep you warm." He put his arms around her and tenderly cradled her in his lap. She inhaled deeply, the familiar scent of his cologne teasing her senses. "I feel so safe," she murmured.

"Me too," he whispered, kissing her hair. He took a minute before saying, "We haven't had much time to talk…since the wedding."

"We've been too busy doing," she nipped at his ear, "Other stuff."

"Mmmm… that last time? I almost passed out," he said, playing along for the moment, leaning into her touch.

"Isn't it so much better now we're married? Tonight…I thought we could play a game."

"How about…we're on a beach…and you be Lilah…and I be Lindsey…and we talk. Just talk."

She pouted. "What would we have to talk about?"

"Us. The future."

"I think I like the naughty nurse game better."

"Lilah, let's talk. Like we used to after Ava was first born. Remember when she was two days old and it was her first night at home? She cried when you were more than ten feet away. So eventually we got her, laid her between us in our bad and stayed up all night. I want one of those conversations again."

"OK…do you really love me? *Really* love me?"

"You're asking me this after the wedding? When we were apart, I thought a lot about us…about asking you to marry me. And so I wrote a list of reasons why I love you. Every reason began with 'She is my-' and it was horribly mushy stuff, like heart. Soul. Past. Present. Future. And then I realised you're still my everything. There's no part of my life that's not connected to you. I go to work and the first thing I do every morning is call you. When I get to court, the first thing I do is look for your case. Nowadays, I don't know where I end and you begin."

"That was beautiful," she whispered, tracing her finger over his lips, "You really feel that way about me?"

"Yes."

"I thought most reasons would be connected to Ava."

"Why? You and Ava are separate in my head."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, anything." He brought his hand up to caress her hair.

"Am I a bad mother?"

"Why say that?"

"Come on, Lindsey. I have no idea how to take care of her. I couldn't even give birth to her in a coherent way- I fell asleep!"

"It was a long labour."

"I'm sorry I called you all those names. You're not a jackass."

"With the second one the labour's shorter." And on catching Lilah's panicked expression, he quickly added, "I was kidding."

"No- no. If you want to talk about this…"

"Really?" he asked, cupping her face.

"Sure. Why not? We're married, we're supposed to be able to talk about anything."

"Well… someday. If and when you're ready."

"There's a lot to think about. We'd need a bigger apartment. And are we bored with NYC?"

"There's not a lot of jobs for lawyers in small town Utah."

"So what if I don't want to be a lawyer anymore? What if I want to be a…kindergarten teacher."

"But you hate children." he teased.

"Lindsey- we're married. I don’t want to be *that* Lilah anymore. I just want you and Ava."

"Is this because of Wesley?" he asked, sharply.

"No."

"Okay, I believe you." He kissed her hair. "I hear Phoenix is nice."