Owing (5/7)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- Blind Date

Distribution- FF.net, AOH, watcherscouncil.com and Neurotica… anyone else just ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey

Rating- NC-17

Summary- Lilah and Lindsey encounter their first real difficulties

Disclaimer- they belong to the almighty Joss… I am but a child in his candy store

Notes- many, many hugs and kisses to Seersha, Minim Calibre for the 'americanising,' and Roseveare for teaching me to write in coherent sentences :)

"Hey," Lindsey said from Lilah's doorstep, greeted less than warmly by her defensive body language, the arm across the doorway barring his entry. "I brought wine." She still didn't move. She had seemed pissed off with him and distracted all day. Admittedly playfully tackling her in the Wolfram and Hart hallway hadn't been the best idea, but they'd been seeing each other for almost a month now and he was still growing fonder of her with each passing day. "Are you gonna let me in?"

She turned around and walked back into her apartment.

"We can't fuck tonight. Girls' stuff, if you get what I mean. I hear there's a really high-class hooker working Fifth and Hill. Good seeing you. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out." She slumped down on her sofa, breathing raggedly from her outburst and rubbing her stomach, from which Lindsey inferred she was in pain. "Since we did public groping today already. Let's do that again tomorrow so we look extra suspicious."

Lindsey didn't know what to make of her anger. He knew he should be annoyed at her sudden attitude towards him.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"It's over, Lindsey." she said, trying to sound cold, but he caught the slight waver in her eyes and voice.

"What?"

"Are you deaf? It's over. We're finished."

"The things you said last night, the things you've said in the last couple of weeks," he said, sitting down beside her. She curled away. "I seem to remember an 'I really care about you.' You gonna tell me what's going on?" he asked, snaking his hand with hers.

She didn't pull away, staring at their hands as she told him, "Holland knows. He said, 'These kind of foolish attachments within a working environment like ours can only detract from the usefulness and value of employees.' He joked about transferring one of us to Tokyo. You know Holland's 'jokes.'"

"Oh, Lilah," he said, leaning forward to hug her, relieved, "You should've just told me. So you don't want to break up?"

"I don't see a way around this."

"We'll figure something out. Maybe I could go and then you put in for a transfer in two months or so?"

"Two months? Plus- raw fish, Lindsey."

"I know," he sighed, stroking her shoulders and back, "We'll figure it out."

"I'm gonna go to bed. I don't feel well," she said suddenly, getting up off her sofa.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Stop doing that."

"What?"

"I'm not an invalid. It happens every month. There's no need to get all nervous schoolboy." A wave of dizziness crashed over her. Lindsey got up and steadied her.

"You OK?"

"I'm fine. I just need some sleep."

She let him guide her up the stairs and into the bedroom. They both changed quickly and slid into bed not touching.

Eventually Lindsey leaned over, scooping Lilah up in his arms.

"You feel any better?" he asked tenderly.

She shrugged. "A little. A bit nauseated."

"You want me to get you anything?"

"No, thank you," she said, unnerved by his attentiveness. And then after a few minutes of silence, "This feels strange."

"What?" He kissed her hair.

"Being in bed with you but not about to sleep together."

"I don't think this is weird. More of the next step. So we're not banging each other's brains out three or more times a night. So we don't have sex on a couple of nights a month. That's OK. Now, could we just get some rest?"

"Sure," she snuggled deeper into his chest.

"You know where I am- if you need me."

"Mmm. Right here, in my bed with your arms around me. I never want to go to bed alone again."

"Likewise. Goodnight."

"Sweet dreams."

*****

Lindsey awoke while it was still dark, to an empty bed. He let his senses adjust for a second, vision clearing, before he realised he could hear Lilah on the other side of the bathroom door- coughing? Getting up, he walked over to the en suite bathroom and heard more coughing, a heaving sound.

"Lilah?" he asked, concerned, through the door, "You OK? Are you sick?"

He heard the toilet flush and then, "I'm fine."

"You want me to call a doctor?"

"I'm fine, Lindsey."

"I'm coming in."

He opened the door to find Lilah in a dishellved heap on the floor, looking flushed, exhausted and pale.

"Lilah?" He bent down to her level. "You OK?"

"I'm alright. I'm just tired."

He got up; filled the glass she kept by her sink with water and handed it to her.

"Sip it slowly," he cautioned. "You feel dizzy?"

"Light headed."

"Put your arm around my neck, I'll lift you up."

He lifted her and sat her on the edge of her bath, sitting beside her, his hand gently rubbing her back.

She turned her face away, covering it with her hands.

"You shouldn't have to see me like this."

"Lilah, I'm coming in you, you can throw up in front of me. Have you been drinking?"

"Not really. I always get nauseous this time of the month."

"Are you usually sick?"

"Not often. I have an IUD fitted, took a little persuasion. But sometimes it makes things worse."

"Lilah," he shifted closer putting his arm around her, "If it's making you ill, get it removed."

"Yeah, because I'm ready for a bunch of little Lindseys running around," she sniped, put her hand to her forehead, flushed again.

"Hey." He soothingly rubbed his hands over her back. "We're using condoms anyway. I don't mind continuing."

"I do- in a couple of months I want to stop."

"Can you go on the pill or something?"

"I guess."

"Nothing's worth making you sick, Lilah."

She shivered slightly. "Scary. We're actually having an adult conversation."

"Lilah, darling we've had many *adult* conversations."

"You know what I mean." She sighed and rested her head against his shoulder. "Take me back to bed?"

"Sure," he put his arm around her waist and helped her back to the bedroom. He lay her down in the bed, pulling the blanket over her shoulder, and settled beside her, putting his arm over her waist.

"Are you feeling any better?" he asked.

"A little. I'm mostly embarrassed."

"You're not weak, Lilah, you're ill."

"I'm not I'm just- scared."

"Of what?" he asked, tracing his finger up her side.

"You getting transferred, or worse."

He rested his head on her shoulder. "We'll figure this out. We'll be OK. And I've been thinking. If they ask me to transfer I'm not going. I'm quitting."

"Lindsey- no. It's too dangerous."

"No, it's not. I've still got the disks I stole."

"But what if it's me they choose to transfer?"

"Then it's your choice."

She paused, letting him see the decision set on her face.

"Then my choice is I quit rather than transfer."

"You don't have to."

"Yes, I do. I want us to be fifty/fifty in this. Complete equals." She curled closer into him, shivering.

"I'm calling you in sick tomorrow."

"Why? I'm fine."

"So feverish, shaking and sick are all in the 'fine' column in your book?"

"What are you going to say?"

"I have to stay home and look after my gorgeous girlfriend. I told you you're beautiful, right?"

"Lindsey?"

"Yeah?"

She looked up at him, fear in her eyes, mouth drying before she said, "You're not too bad yourself." She leaned up to kiss him.

He knew there were words for what they were feeling. They just weren't ready to say them yet.