In Spirit (1/4)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- none

Distribution- FF.net, AOH and Neurotica. Anyone else ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey

Rating- R

Summary- It's Christmas, Lilah's miserable, so she makes a confession.

Disclaimer- I am the kid, but it's Joss' candy store

Notes- To my LILAC-ers. I wouldn't have got through this year without you. Thank you :) Special, special hugs and kisses to Rachel who beta-ed this one for me :)

"Happy non-Holidays!" Lilah cheeped as Lindsey opened his apartment door. She thrust a bottle of scotch into his hands and stepped inside, without waiting for an invite. "It's not a gift by the way. It's mine. I'll be drinking at least four fifths of it."

"Happy non- Holidays to you to. Interesting top." he said, gesturing to her T-shirt complete with 'I hate Christmas' slogan.

"You've gotta get in the spirit, right?" she said with false merriment as he retrieved two glasses from the kitchen. She wrinkled her nose in distaste at his Christmas tree. "What is *that* doing here?" she asked, as they sat on his sofa and he placed two glasses of liquor on the coffee table. "I'm disappointed in you."

"My Nephews came to visit yesterday. Wanted to make the place nice for them."

"Oh. Cute. Well I have successfully avoided three calls from my sister already today and I intend to keep it that way. Since you promised fun without the holiday cheer, well… that's what I expected. Anyway… what are your plans for today?"

"I have enough vodka to knock out a small elephant. So I figured drink ourselves into a stupor."

"Sounds good to me."

*****

Lilah downed the rest of the vodka in the bottle and grimaced. "This is having no effect. Where's your meths?"

"When I was a student my roommate and I…"

"Drunk yet grammatically correct." She flopped back against the cushions and closed her eyes. "I like that in a man. Continue."

"We thought diluting meths would be a cheap substitute for vodka."

"Did it work?"

"Ended up in the ED having my stomach pumped."

"Crap. Well, it'll pass the time. What else have you got in that liquor cupboard of yours, McDonald?" she said, slurring her words slightly.

"No more for you until you eat something."

"Nuh huh. I don't eat. Not today." She foraged in her bag for a packet of cigarettes and was about the light up when Lindsey interrupted,

"Not in my apartment. Go outside."

"If I stand I'll fall over."

"And it'll be very amusing."

"I hate you." She placed the cigarettes and lighter back in her bag and snapped the TV on, mindlessly flicking through the channels. "Ugh. What videos do you have?"

"Take your pick."

"Porn?"

"No, I don't have porn."

"Liar." She sniggered. "Something gory then. Texas chainsaw?"

"That film bites. The Shining?"

"OK, whatever." Lilah curled up sleepily at one end of the sofa.

"I'm gonna make popcorn. You. Stay. I don't wanna have to call an ambulance because you fell over and knocked yourself out."

She nodded and watched him leave before standing unsteadily and walking around the room, touching random items. Reaching the tree, something caught her eye underneath it. A lone gift. She picked it up, examining the label, which read: 'To Lilah. Did I change your mind yet? Lindsey.' Confusion hit her in sobering waves. She thought he understood she didn't want anything to do with Christmas ever again.

He returned with a bowl of popcorn. "Open it then."

Playing along, she ripped the gift-wrap away from the package. Godiva chocolates. Expensive Godiva chocolates.

"I don't know what to say." she admitted.

"Maybe 'thank you?'"

"Thank you… and no. You didn't change my mind."

*****

Three minutes into the movie, however, she was asleep, curled up at one end of the sofa, shivering against obvious nightmares. Lindsey toyed with the idea of waking her but decided against it. He might frighten her more and she'd wake up when she was ready… hopefully to talk. There had to be a reason why she hated Christmas so much. Instead, he recovered the duvet from his bed and draped it over her. As he tucked her in, it hit him. His feelings for her. He wanted to make her comfortable, keep her warm, safe, happy. More than that, he wanted to kiss her, have sex, make her happy in that respect also.

As he tried to tuck her arms under the blanket she awoke gasping and clutching at his hand. She looked so frightened, her face full of fear. He cupped her cheek.

"My head." she managed to choke out. "And my mouth… is so dry."

"I think what you really need is a stomach pump. I'll get you some water." He quickly filled the biggest glass he could find and handed it to her. She downed it fast and floundered back against the pillows. "More?"

"No. Just get me my bag."

He handed her the purse and she searched for a bottle of pills. Expertly she knocked two back without water.

"Now you know all my secrets." She threw the jar awkwardly onto the table. He read off the label, shocked. 'Valium.'

"How long have you been taking them?" he asked, stunned.

"Forever. Or it feels like it. I was twelve when I went on mild tranqs, eighteen for Valium. When it got really bad it was Prozac but then I read 'Prozac Nation' and switched back down to these."

"But why?"

"It was ever since…"

"That Christmas." He finished for her, realising. He got up to get her more water at which she smiled gratefully.

"Dad was an alcoholic. Your brain is supposed to repress bad memories, right? To protect you? For the past twenty-two years of my life no matter what drug I'm on I've had nightmares. My Dad, tried to kill my mum the Christmas I was six. I was just a kid, and you know what kids are like. I accidentally knocked over a glass, an expensive one and shattered it. He went crazy, smashed up the house with a baseball bat. He starved mum of oxygen for four minutes. She was left with permanent brain damage. He was about to knife my sister when the police shot him dead."

"Oh God, Lilah." He crawled under the blanket and took her in his arms. "I don't know what to say. What happened next?"

"We ended up with a foster family. They did their best but… as soon as I could I worked to start saving for College. And here we are." She squeezed his arm. "I'm OK."

"Really?"

"Yes, I'm fine." She shoved him aside and stood, looking for her shoes. "And now I'm sobering up, and can't believe I just told you that."

"Maybe you needed to."

She laughed and turned back to him. "I don't need anything. Except my shoes. Then I can go home and try to block out today from my memory."

"You're not going anywhere tonight."

"Are you going to stop me?"

"If need be, yes. Come on, Lilah. You're completely off your head, in no fit state to drive, or be alone. You could swallow your tongue."

"Very likely."

He stood up. "Lie down."

"This is stupid." But she complied nevertheless. "Where the hell are you gonna sleep? You only have one duvet."

"True. I can sleep under a coat. Or in the armchair. I don't plan to leave you alone tonight. And I'm making you a snack."

"Why?"

"Absorb some of the alcohol. Or make you sick. Might not be a bad thing."

"I could make myself."

"Is this the part where you tell me you're bulimic too?"

"I have been."

"Currently?"

"Maybe."

He sighed and walked to the kitchen to hide how upset he was. He picked up a bottle of water; plain cookies and a bucket- just in case.

Lilah followed him and located his medicine cabinet, beginning to rummage.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Pills."

"I have lots of pills. Be more specific."

"Sleeping pills."

"Lilah-" he put his hands on her hips. She stilled. "You don't need sleeping pills."

"Yes I do. I haven't slept without a cocktail of Valium, beta-blockers and sleeping pills for years. Do you have any?"

"No."

"Figures. I didn't have you pegged as a drug addict." Her eyes widened in fright, saying the words, her world falling apart, suddenly realising how bad her life had become and how afraid the statement had made her feel. She turned to him. "Oh, God, Lindsey-"

"It's OK." he soothed. "Take the duvet. Go to my room. You look like you could use a bed tonight. Try and get some rest."

"You're coming too, right?"

"Of course. I can bring a chair in."

"You don't have to do that. You look tired too. We can share. I- I don't think you'll jump me."

"No. And I trust you won't jump me."

"Trust?" she asked.

"An eighth of an inch. Here Morgan." He handed her the bucket. "Take this." He picked up the cookies and water. "You ready?"

"Almost." She pulled the Valium out of her back pocket and threw it into his trashcan. "Now I'm ready."

He put his arm around her, as they walked to the bedroom and didn't let go for the rest of the night.

*****

New Year's Eve and Lindsey was spending it unloading Lilah's clothes from his tumble dryer.

The truth was she hadn't been home in six days, while she detoxed. Coming off the Valium had been hard for both parties. Lilah, because it was her body, and Lindsey for seeing her in such a state.

For the first two days Lilah hadn't moved from the bathroom. She was delirious with fever, shaking with need for the drug, her body all but giving up. She had called Lindsey every name under the sun and begged him to go down to the dumpster and find the disposed of Valium. Once or twice he'd considered it. He hadn't left her for a second, too afraid to. In her quieter moments when she'd been calmer, sobbing in the corner, he'd even gone and held her.

By the end of the second day, exhausted, she fell asleep in his arms. For a few seconds he panicked but when he realised she was only asleep as opposed to unconscious, he carried her to his bed. For the first few hours he'd been afraid to sleep but eventually closed his eyes, his arms locked around her. When he awoke fifteen hours later, Lilah appeared a different person. She'd changed into one of his shirts, showered and brushed her teeth. "I needed to wash my clothes." she'd told him. "So I put your laundry on too." They shared some camomile tea she'd made and crawled back into bed. When they awoke the next morning they talked, about… everything. Lilah told him she could never have come off the tablets without him.

Lindsey heard the bathroom door open and she appeared in the doorway, in his robe, fresh from the shower. He handed her, her recently laundered clothes and she smiled a 'thank you.'

"I have to head home." she said. His face fell but she continued, "I have to encounter the big bad world sometime. And move from you bed. I'll call you as soon as I get home."

He nodded and took a deep breath, stepping closer. "OK… but there's one thing before you leave."

"What?"

All the feelings from the past week simmered to the surface as he brought his lips to hers gently. She froze for a few seconds before returning the kiss. Their arms snaked around each other, his hands gently caressing her back. Eventually the kiss ended after what felt like hours. He drew back and cupped her face, his eyes drawn to hers.

"Was that OK?" he whispered.

"Very OK." She grinned and initiated another kiss, this one deeper, allowing her tongue to gently explore and massage his mouth.

"I'm still going home," she said when the next kiss broke. "But I'll call you the minute I get in. And then tomorrow, you can come around with more of those sexy kisses."

He smiled and hugged her tightly, his touch changing to one of a lover rather than friend. "It's a date."