Heat of the moment (16/19)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- none

Distribution- FF.net, AOH, buffysearch.net and Neurotica… anyone else just ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey

Rating- NC-17

Summary- Lindsey accidentally discovers Lilah's biggest secret

Disclaimer- they belong to the almighty Joss… I am but a child in his candy store

Dedication- To Bobbi who is one in a million

Lindsey had just dozed off when he heard Carmen awaken and begin to cry.

Lilah moaned softly, having been obvious asleep against him and moved to get out of bed.

"Lilah," he said, grudgingly getting out of bed before she could, "Go back to sleep, I'll get it."

He picked up Carmen and began to rock her softly as Lilah reached across blearily to flick on the bedside lamp, which seemed to calm the baby.

"Erin said she only needs one feed at night now which is supposed to be at four- another hour to go," Lilah said sleepily, falling heavily back against the pillows, feeling slightly resentful her sleep had been disturbed for the sake of a child that wasn't even hers.

"Maybe she just needed a cuddle. The atmosphere around here's pretty tense. She's bound to pick up on it. Shall I bring her back to bed with us?"

"Do what you want- my back's cramping like crazy. Fucking mattress." Lilah said both lethargic and sullen.

"Can I do anything?"

"Look after her. I she gets fussy… I don't know, walk her up and down the hallway or something."

Lilah got up and walked towards him, kissing Carmen on the forehead. The naturalness of the touch surprised Lindsey and he didn't think he'd ever seen Lilah look more open or beautiful. She kissed him on the lips, looking much the same and he wanted to pull her close and kiss her some more, but in an instant she had gone.

Lilah wasn't surprised to find Erin still up and sitting at the kitchen table, sipping a strong black coffee and playing solitaire with an old pack of playing cards.

"Couldn't sleep, huh?" Lilah said to break the silence, sitting in the chair beside her sister.

"No. You?"

"I got an hour of sleep earlier, believe it or not."

"Is Lindsey awake?"

"He's up with Carmen- amazing with her actually. A true natural."

"Is she's OK?"

"She's fine."

Erin passed Lilah the steaming cup of coffee and began dealing out the cards.

"Snap?" She asked.

Lilah nodded before noting,

"They're Dad's pack of cards." She said, sheer realisation bringing up painful memories in itself.

"Mum would've gone mad if she'd known we'd had them in the house, let alone he was teaching us to play Blackjack."

Lilah smiled in familiarity.

"I still miss those Sundays." She admitted before asking Erin, "When and how did we grow apart?"

"When Dad left, when mum went insane and held me hostage in the house for two days." She guessed. "Or maybe when you had the abortion. How many years ago now?"

"Just the one," Lilah told her painfully, "A year, almost to the day."

"You stopped, you know, afterwards. Caring. You just became a shell of a person. You couldn't love, couldn't feel. You didn't call once all fucking year. Sometimes the kids would cry because they missed you so much."

"I'm sorry," Lilah said quietly, tears threatening, seeing Erin so angry and unsympathetic in her active 'pro-life' capacity.

"Anyway, the past is the past. What about you and Lindsey? Is it serious?"

"I guess so. On again, off again for almost four years now. We had some time apart to work things out. I drove halfway across the country to find him again, so yeah it's serious. We're living together- we've even got a goddamned goldfish. We're talking about marriage, we're talking about kids and I didn't want to have to tell him about my past- about what I did. But somehow, now I know he's standing in the hallway listening to us, so I guess it's too late now." She said, falling silent as she allowed tears to roll down her cheeks.

Having not seen Lilah cry since she was ten, Erin was taken aback enough to put aside her convictions for a moment to hug her sister comfortingly.

And Lindsey at the top of the stairs, rocking a sleeping baby, softly felt tears sting his own eyes for the first time in years.

*****

It was a full hour before Lilah was calm enough to go back to their room, glad Lindsey wasn't crowding her. She needed her own space a lot of the time and tonight was no exception. A creak of a floorboard had betrayed his whereabouts and knowing she'd hurt him was making her feel worse than she already did if it was humanly possibly.

He was sat in a chair by Carmen's crib, watching her sleep; his eyes lifeless and glassy with unshed tears. He felt numb mostly, and he welcomed that but underneath he bubbled with… rage? Pity? He wasn't sure.

When Lilah walked into their room, they stared at each other for a moment, new revelation forcing an invisible wedge between them. Silently she got changed into a pair of navy, silk pyjamas, crawling into bed before stormy, noisy sobs wracked her body.

Whatever conflicting emotion Lindsey was feeling for her all bubbled over to him holding her tightly enough for their bodies to appear as one.

It took a good ten minutes for Lilah's sobs to lessen the shoulder of his shirt and her face damp with tears.

"I suppose you want an explanation," she snivelled.

"When you're ready," he said patiently, handing her a tissue to dry her tears on.

"It was a year ago," She began numbly. "You’d left and… I didn't have a choice. God, I woke up in the fucking hospital afterwards, Erin by my side after getting four units of blood because they'd accidentally severed an artery. It almost killed me to get rid of our child- literally."

"You should've called. I left my number." He pointed out, beginning to feel uncontrollable anger course through his veins.

"You had a whole new life. I just assumed you'd have another woman. You wouldn’t have wanted it. You just walked out on me anyway, and broke my fucking heart in the process. I loved you, Lindsey, even back then." She said, eyes wild and breathing strained before she said softer, "You’re really hurt aren't you?"

"I won't lie to you, Lilah. There are too many lies. I'm angry and hurt but then… I look at you and can forgive you because you're damn vulnerable and need protecting so much."

She didn't argue with him for once, feeling insecure at his words.

"Take me back?" She asked, eyes glowing in the half-light.

"I still need you, Li."

She fell against him, still crying.

"I was sure it would be the end of us," she admitted.

"I just want to get a few thing straight. I'm moving into the spare room for a while. Sleeping together won't help anything and- we talk. Really talk from now on. But I love you, Li. And we're trying for a baby aren't we? In a few months. When things are…"

"Better?" She second-guessed, "This isn't just going to go away unless you happen to have a time machine." When he didn't reply she added, "I didn't think you'd still want to."

"I do. Tonight has been so clarifying. I want us, I want it all. The great job, car, girlfriend… family."

"Me too."

He hugged her, tears springing to his own eyes saying,

"God, I thought I'd lost you."

"You’re so wonderful. I really don't deserve you."

They continued to hold each other, metaphorically risen to a new level of honesty.