Heat of the moment (15/19)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- none

Distribution- FF.net, AOH, buffysearch.net and Neurotica… anyone else just ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey

Rating- NC-17

Summary- Lilah gets a shock

Disclaimer- they belong to the almighty Joss… I am but a child in his candy store

Dedication- To Bobbi who is one in a million

Lilah had always thought Sunday was a surreal day. Not quite in the week, yet not in the weekend, just… floating.

And 'surreal' and 'floating' were two adjectives she'd use to describe this particular Sunday. A combination of Codeine and Lindsey's arms surrounding her were making her feel light-headed, knocking her out, though not completely, for most of the day. She was hovering in a state of emotional plateau, having less than twelve hours ago thought she was carrying Lindsey's baby and now, realising she wasn't, feeling a little empty and meaningless, yet Lindsey was still here and making her feel a lot calmer and at peace with herself.

Despite his lack of drugs, Lindsey was floating also, anchored to Lilah by a multitude of 'What ifs..?' His arms wrapped tightly around her, refusing to let go even when she struggled against him, thinking about what they could've had and what they might still have in the future. Despite his almost comforted state he at least understood they'd come to a consequential crossroads, not knowing where they were going next or if they would just become motionless for the time being.

Dozing softly, his face in her hair pressed up against her neck so he could feel her heart beating, her finally fully asleep against him, close to peaceful, he was awakened by the sound of the phone ringing.

Lilah jerked awake delicately, looking at him with bleary and confused eyes, having been drifting through fuzzy dreams for most of the afternoon, of the incomprehensible variety with bright, flashing colours, and swirling words that seemed to leap right out at her.

"I got it, honey," he reassured her, leaning across the bedside cabinet to answer the phone, cursing whoever was on the other end of the line for disturbing their now ordinary calmness.

"Hello? Yeah, she is, who's calling?"

He pulled the receiver from his ear and said to Lilah,

"It's for you, it's Erin."

'My sister,' she mouthed as he passed her the handset, feeling a little bewildered to hear from her virtually estranged sister.

"Hey Erin. Oh. When was this? Right. OK. I'll be on the next flight. Yeah. I'll call you back. Bye." She pressed the 'off' button on the phone before telling him neutrally, "My mother died this afternoon."

"Oh, Lilah, I'm so…"

"I've got to go," she cut him off, "Back to Nevada for the funeral. I should call an airline," she said objectively, slipping out of bed, feeling internally shaken yet not upset or hysterical in any way. She'd somehow prepared herself for and expected this for years and now it had finally happened she scolded herself for feeling closure.

"Lilah, wait," he said, following her, "Slow down for a minute." He said, putting his hands reassuringly on her upper arms, "If you'll let me I want to come with you."

She let him turn her round to face him, all her energy suddenly exhausted, vulnerability shining from her eyes and she felt ready to let him help her.

"That'd be nice," she said, as he sat her down on the edge of their bed.

"I'll make you some tea," he told her, "And I'll call American Airways. Where do we need to fly to?"

"Carson City."

"OK. Will you be alright for a minute?"

She nodded.

"Lindsey?" She asked sounding completely exhausted.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. What the hell would I do without you?"

He didn't have a reply, simply kissing her on the forehead in response.

*****

"I'll pay you back for the tickets," Lilah told Lindsey as they moved from passport control to baggage collection on arrival at Carson City airport, almost twenty-four hours later, Lilah's hand curled around his, almost in a vice-like, nervous grip.

"You're joking right? We're living together; it practically screams 'joint bank account.'"

"Why not?" She asked him, her face the epitome of earnest.

"Huh?"

"Well why not get a joint account? We could put say ten percent of our wages into it every month and use it for shared stuff- groceries, bills, fun money and such." She suggested.

"I'd love to," he said, slipping a comforting arm around her shoulders before asking, "How are you feeling now?"

"The unpleasant nausea has subsided," she told him.

The flight had been awful, horribly turbulent and Lilah could've sworn she'd turned green as Kermit but habitually Lindsey had been nothing but kind and patient with her.

Lilah spotted her sister at the end of the barrier, takeaway espresso in hand.

"That's Erin," Lilah said, pointing and giving a brief wave.

Erin crossed over to them, bearing a remarkable resemblance to Lilah, giving her sister a momentary, and Lindsey felt, forced hug in the process.

"This is Lindsey," Lilah introduced, "Lindsey, this is my sister, Erin."

Lindsey shook her hand,

"I'm sorry for your loss," he told her formally.

"I'll get the bags," he told Lilah.

"Boyfriend?" Erin asked when he was out of earshot.

Lilah nodded.

"Don't ask for details." She sniped, her body language strongly guarded feeling hostile and unsettled.

"The funeral's tomorrow. You can be home in time for Thanksgiving." Erin said frostily.

"That's next week, right?"

"It's this week."

"Right- of course." Lilah said feeling oblivious and suddenly extremely isolated without Lindsey by her side.

"All you need to do is sign the will. It's pretty much equal between us." Erin said, giving her a hardened look.

"I can look over it…"

"Thanks but I got my attorney to," Erin cut in coldly.

"Oh," Lilah said as Lindsey approached them once again, carrying his and Lilah's bags.

"I'm going to the restroom," Erin said as she walked away.

"Strained?" Lindsey asked as he watched Erin leave and found Lilah's arms around him. He dropped their bags so he could hold her and Lilah welcomed his touch completely.

"You're my rock- you know that?" She said.

"And you're mine."

"Yeah- I'm really useful being in pieces and all."

"You’re not in pieces, Lilah. You’re so damn strong."

"Yeah, I wish. Thankyou- for being here. But I do understand if it's all too much and you need to go to Vegas for a few days." She said, giving him a weak smile.

"I'm not leaving you."

"Lindsey…"

"I'm not leaving you." He repeated reassuringly as Erin approached them.

"Ready?" She asked with a brittle smile.

*****

"We're home," Erin called up the stairs.

"Hey," her husband, John called back, "Hey, Lilah."

"And Lindsey," Erin yelled back up, "Lilah's boyfriend."

"Brave man," Lindsey heard John whisper as two children's faces appeared in the doorway to the kitchen.

"Aunt Lilah!" They both said in unison, rushing forward to hug her. Lilah instinctively looked a little shocked before kneeling to their level to wrap her Nephew and Niece in her arms, one in each.

"Hey guys," she said in a voice Lindsey had never heard her use before, "What's going on?"

Lindsey was completely taken aback. Here was his girlfriend, the woman he had problems holding a proper conversation with sometimes, completely besotted with her family who clearly adored her back.

"Kids," Lindsey heard Lilah say, "This is my friend, Lindsey. Lindsey, this is my nephew, James and my niece Cadance."

"We have another," Erin told him, "Carmen. She's three months old. John's probably got her upstairs. Anyway, kids it's almost nine. Way past your bedtime."

"Oh mom," James whined, "Lilah's here."

"You don't make this much fuss when other family come to visit."

"Other family aren't as fun."

"Bed," Erin repeated.

The kids grudgingly walked up the stairs, letting Lilah drop her pained yet fond smile.

"They're just kids," Erin said painfully, "They don't understand."

Lilah gave her a weak, fragile smile, standing again and said,

"What can we do to help? Anything- legal stuff, The will, deeds, debts… anything." She offered, obviously uncomfortable though trying to amicable if only for the sake of Lindsey and the kids.

"I hate to ask, but John and I have to get some groceries but we need to drive to a twenty four hour supermarket in Reno, and Carmen hasn't had her bath yet."

Lilah nodded a little fearfully.

"We can try."

"It's easy," Erin assured her, picking up her car keys from the table, and yelled up the stairs, "John! Let's get going."

"We'll take Carmen tonight," Lindsey said without thinking, earning him a pointed glare from Lilah.

"Thanks," Erin said with a smile, "That's really nice of you. She only tends to wake twice in the night now."

Lilah's eyes widened as if to say 'Twice!' She sighed steadily. It was going to be a long night.

*****

"You OK?" Lindsey asked, laying Carmen down in her crib, now situated at the bottom of the guestroom bed, as Lilah entered the room.

She nodded through the half-light.

"James wouldn't let me leave. Erin thinks he'd too young to understand but he does, in his own way." She explained, "How's Carmen?"

"Out like a light- she's cute."

"You won't be saying that at three a.m." Lilah said with an almost disoriented smile, tugging a little at her white shirt, "I think I'm too tired to change."

"Me too," Lindsey nodded as Lilah curled up in bed. He hesitated before embracing her and was surprised to find she relaxed and not tensed at his touch, like she did automatically ordinarily, but she needed him now and wasn't going to reject him by being unaffectionate.

"I feel like I should be crying, or screaming or doing something neurotic," Lilah admitted, feeling like she ought to.

"Everyone reacts differently to grief," Lindsey reassured her, "If your way is blocking it out then that's fine."

"Me and mum were never close," Lilah went on to explain her voice raw. "She was crazy as it was. Dad worked for the LA branch of Wolfram and Hart. Sometimes on weekends he'd come home but… then when I was ten, mum discovered he had this whole other family in LA- a girlfriend barely out of high school and two sons. It was horrible. She didn't believe in divorce- my Grandma was from Tennessee- staunch Christian values and all so she made his life hell instead. I think that's when the violence started- I don't remember, maybe it was before that. Dad died when I was twelve and… Mum stopped after that. Caring about us. I was thirteen and hanging around street corners hitching a ride to Vegas every other weekend, to smoke and do crack. Then Wolfram and Hart came along, cleaned me up, and forced me through Law school at Berkeley. I don't think Erin's ever forgiven me for leaving mum with her. It was my junior year when mum wound up in the institute and then onto the expensive nursing home. So sorry if I seem unemotional." She took a deep breath, gasping for air, yet feeling better for telling him.

"It sounds awful," Lindsey said, stroking her hair, not knowing what else to say.

"I just… I can't imagine how anyone could resent their own flesh and blood that much. I mean, Erin's kids- we're barely related but all I want to do is protect them." She said, suddenly tearful.

"I know the feeling. I've got ten nieces and nephews- another one on the way. I can't imagine what that's like with your own child."

"You wanna find out?" She asked, nervously, looking into his eyes, completely genuine.

"What?" He asked, a little confused and apprehensive.

"I've been thinking, Linds. And if you want to… why don't we try for a baby?" She asked him nervously, unexpectedly feeling the need to fill a gaping void in her life.

He looked shocked before he nodded.

"OK Li, I assume we're talking right away." He said, his voice came out strangled and anxious.

"The next couple of months- there's no rush."

"This is all so sudden. I mean, I know you've been upset over the last couple of days but- now?" He asked, feeling bewildered at why there seemed to be this dividing emptiness between them.

"We've both seen enough of the world. I can't explain it- I just want to settle down in my 'pushing thirty' capacity." She said, looking away finally and feeling incredibly insecure.

"And most people are waiting until their forties to have kids."

"But some didn't. Erin was only twenty when she had James."

He sighed.

"What about marriage?" he asked her.

"What about it?"

"Do you want to get married?"

"We don't have to, do we?" She asked, leaving Lindsey feeling hurt. It felt to him as if she was saying she wanted a family but she didn't want to share her life with him.

"Lilah- this is a really big step. I don't mind admitting it scares me."

"It scares me too, but it's something I want. I thought you did too," she said, pouting and pulling away slightly.

"I do," Lindsey reassured her, drawing her back to him, "Really I do. But what about other things? Vacations, getting a dog, work." He said, feeling panicky at taking such a big step. An accident was one thing, and he could've dealt with that but the stress of planning for kids was not something he was ready to contemplate quite yet.

"I don't care about any of that stuff."

"But I do."

"I care about you and me. I'm in love with you- I want to show you how I feel." She said, getting emotional and feeling kids were the only way to prove how much she cared about him.

"I know you love me- you've got nothing to prove," he reassured, "And yes, I want kids, and yes, I want kids with you but… this is what you want?"

"Yes."

"What about you career?"

"Fuck it. In case you didn't notice, it's gone. It's time for something new."

"Lilah, this can't be a flash of fancy. It's not like buying a new car, you can't just discard a baby."

She looked at him angry he'd even think she felt that way.

"You think I don't know that? You think I haven't thought this through in the last couple of weeks? I you're not sure, there doesn't have to be any strings…"

"What are you talking about?" He cut in heatedly; "There is every string. What we're talking about is creating something that's half you and half me."

They stared at each other though the silence for a moment before Lindsey broke, seeing Lilah was visibly upset.

"Shit, Lilah I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have sprung this on you now."

"Don't think it's not what I want because it is. It just scares me." He said, being honest with her.

"I know- me too."

"But I'm willing to work through that fear if you are. I'm saying, OK. If we don't actively try, we'll just… not use anything and see what happens." He said, wanting to compromise and take things slower, one step at a time, maybe starting with marriage and seeing how things progressed from there.

Lilah wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Are you OK?" Lindsey asked her.

"Terrified. I'm shaking."

"I know. Me too."

They lay in the silence, holding each other and listening to the other breathe for quite some time.