Heat of the moment (14/19)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- none

Distribution- FF.net, AOH, buffysearch.net and Neurotica… anyone else just ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey

Rating-NC-17

Summary- Lilah drops a bombshell

Disclaimer- they belong to the almighty Joss… I am but a child in his candy store

Dedication- To Bobbi who is one in a million

"Morning," Lindsey said, sitting down on the sofa next to Lilah and kissing her on the cheek.

She didn't respond, apparently too absorbed in CNN, which worried him slightly. Lilah only followed news that was relevant to her, and didn't seem to care much about world-wide events and he she was completely enthralled by the latest Mount Etna eruption.

"You’re up early," he commented, looking at his watch, "Five thirty. You have another rough night?" He asked, knowing full well she was still having intense, surround sound nightmares that left her screaming and crying in terror some nights and him feeling completely powerless as she sobbed into him.

"Yeah, I felt really hot."

"The good kind of hot?"

"No the kind of hot where I suffocate under the millions of blankets you insist we have." She snapped moodily.

"You could've taken some clothes off." He suggested playfully, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

"What and encourage you some more?"

"I don't need any encouraging."

"I do know. You got hard looking at that lino in that hardware store the other day." She said, feeling unexpectedly a little used.

"Aptly named. I was thinking about what we could do on it."

"So romantic."

"What is wrong with you?" He asked, beginning to get angry at her mysterious coolness towards him.

"What's wrong? I'm tired, Lindsey. I'm not getting any sleep and everywhere I go you're there. You're at home, at work, and you're constantly fussing and touching and wanting to screw all the time." She snapped not too convincingly, knowing it wasn't the real issue at hand.

"And that's a bad thing?"

"It is when I'm always sore and I can't take it anymore." She said, irate, exhausted and unhappy, watching the look of remorse cross Lindsey's face.

"I'm sorry. We'll cut down- stop even." He said, in an attempt to pacify her, feeling hurtful knowing he'd bruised her once again.

"This isn't about you." She said, quietly, sounding drained.

"Isn't it?" He asked doubtful, yet sounding compassionate when he saw how afraid she was.

"Not completely."

"What's wrong then?"

"My period's a few days late."

He froze and looked at the dejected shrug of her shoulders.

"It could be The Pill, or stress or I'm tired…" she continued to rationalise.

"Or you could be pregnant."

"Don't say it."

"It's what you're trying to say isn't it?"

"No. Yes. Ninety nine percent no. Well? I'm waiting."

"For what?"

"Your melodramatic reaction. Getting married, moving to the Chicago suburbs, with two point four children, a white picket fence and a dog." She said, getting up to stare out of the window, secretly hoping he'd suggest it- just like he had when she pictured what it would be like to tell him.

"I'm not being melodramatic."

"Well at least say something." She said, her voice sounded strangled, borderline hysterical and absolutely terrified.

"What do you want me to say?" He asked her, softly through his shock.

"I don't know. 'That's great,' or 'Oh my god, you slut, you've ruined my life.'" She said, anticipating that's what he'd say.

"Lilah…" he said, getting up off the sofa to give her a hug, feeling incredibly shaky, completely overwhelmed yet feeling the need to protect her and just jump in and deal with the situation the best he could.

"No," she said, not turning around, "Don't."

"You don't know for sure?"

She shook her head, tears clawing at her eyes, as she let him pull her into a gentle embrace for a second.

"I'm tired, Lindsey."

"Of course."

"I'm going to bed for the day- it is Saturday right?"

"Yeah."

"I'm taking a sleeping pill and I'd appreciate it if you didn't disturb me."

She began to walk away but he called after her,

"Lilah?"

"Yeah."

"I love you."

She turned around, giving him a brief, weak smile, feeling a little healed and relieved he hadn't just abandoned her.

"We'll talk later." He continued.

"I guess so."

*****

It was nine p.m. before Lilah re-emerged. She found Lindsey on the sofa, watching the X-Files.

"I thought you hated it," she said, sitting nervously on the arm of the furniture.

"I do… it just reminded me of you. Any change?"

She shook her head and an uncomfortable silence followed. Lindsey's head was still a collection of swirling, panicking thoughts, completely at a loss of what to say and despite the sleeping pill Lilah had lain awake fevered and anxious, wanting Lindsey to come and comfort her, despite her telling him to keep out.

"I'm sorry, I handled things badly," he said, being the first to break.

He found her in his arms, squeezing him tightly.

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn’t have told you like that."

"Can I get you anything? Anything at all?"

"I just want a cuddle from the man I love." She said, feeling more open, the precious amount of sleep she'd gotten clarifying things for her a little.

"I'm sorry, David Duchovny's not available right now- you'll have to settle for me."

She smiled at his joke, enjoying his embrace as there were ten full minutes of silence until he episode ended and Lindsey turned the TV off.

"Do you want to talk?" He asked, nervously.

She nodded.

"You start. I don't know how to." She said feeling incredibly agitated and apprehensive.

"OK… I've been thinking a lot today- obviously. And… if… I'll stand by you. Whatever you want to do. And I'll help you in any way I possibly can." He said, still feeling nervous, yet clarified, suddenly that he actually wanted the baby.

She choked back a sob, his hands instantly cupping her face, offering nothing but love and comfort.

"What's the matter?" He asked concerned, "What did I say?"

"Nothing… it's just… I thought you'd hate me." She said feeling nearly relieved and calmed by his words.

"Why the hell would I do that?" He asked, pulling her closer, "I love you. Talk to me, Lilah. Please don't shut me out. Tell me how you're feeling."

"I'm confused. I always vowed never, ever to have kids. I just told myself if I ever got pregnant, no matter what I'd get an abortion- as soon as I knew. But now… I might be pregnant and I'm living with this amazing guy and… I think I might want this baby, Linds. If it happens. God, as pathetic as it is I've actually been lying in there thinking about names that sound good with McDonald."

He clung to her tightly.

"That's wonderful, Li."

"Really, you're not just saying that?"

"No. What names did you come up with anyway?" He asked her, despite how frantic he felt, desperate to lighten the mood.

She shrugged.

"I don’t know- Joshua, Ryan, Justin, maybe for a boy."

"Like the guy from N'Sync?" Lindsey joked.

"No," Lilah pouted, "I just like it. I can see we're gonna have problems here."

"And what about for a girl?" He asked, kissing her hair.

"Ashley, Caitlin, Jessica…" She trailed off, beginning to sound especially drowsy.

They curled up around each other on the sofa, too tired to even contemplate moving to bed; both feeling like the weight had been lifted.

"Will you be OK here?" He asked her, sleepily.

"I'm fine," she told him, burying herself in his arms, "I'm just fine here."

*****

Lindsey was actually humming with happiness as he flipped pancakes over in the frying pan the next morning.

The previous night, he and Lilah had curled up on the sofa against each other, asleep, the connection formed so deep when one awoke the other did also and they engaged in a few moments of gentle talking, kissing and cuddling.

Sometimes it was in comfort.

Lilah had awakened, shaking and crying from an obvious nightmare around midnight.

'Are you alright?' Lindsey had asked her.

'I'm fine I was just… remembering.' She told him elusively, not wanting to elaborate on tormenting memories.

'You wanna talk about it?'

She shook her head, clinging to him and sobbing a little into his shoulder until she fell asleep.

As dawn broke over the horizon, Lindsey found himself awake before Lilah, watching her sleep contentedly, stretched out against him.

Cautiously, he reached down and placed a hand on her abdomen. She stirred and he found her hand joining his as she opened her eyes and smiled, leaning up for a kiss.

'I've never felt as close to you as I do right now.' She told him.

'I know the feeling.'

And he did, smiling to himself as he stacked pancakes high onto two plates and drowned both towers in maple syrup.

He heard Lilah walk into the kitchen behind him and he began to say,

"Good shower? I hope you're hungry because…" he turned to her, seeing instantly in her face something was wrong, "What's the matter?"

"I'm not pregnant," her voice came out, strained, cold and business-like, "I just… I'm not."

"Oh," he said a single, non-committal syllable.

"Well, now we've got that trauma out of our lives, I'm going to bed. I'm achy and stiff from being on the sofa all night."

She turned and walked away without a backward glance, hoping for him to follow. When he didn't she couldn't help but feel a little hurt, and swallowed back hot tears springing up behind her eyes.

*****

Lindsey paused in the open doorway of their bedroom twenty minutes later.

"Can I come in?" He asked.

Lilah was lying on her back, head turned towards the window to look out into the overcast, cold November day, feeling completely lethargic, borderline tearful and as always of late, extremely jaded.

"Free country," she said, not turning her head.

He sat down cautiously on the edge of the bed, unloading the pile of items in his arms.

"I brought you some stuff. A hot water bottle, some tea. Painkillers- Motrin and the codeine you stashed at the back of the cupboard- I didn't know which you'd prefer. And the Financial Times and an old Elle I found lying around. Do you want me to go?"

"I wish you wouldn't. " She said as she expertly knocked back the Codeine and pulled the hot water bottle onto her stomach.

"Does it hurt?"

"Yes. More than usual."

She let him hug her gently for a moment before she said,

"I don't deserve you. You're too good for me." She said detachedly, feeling sorry for the way she'd treated him over the past week.

"Where'd that come from?" He asked, squeezing her tighter.

"I'm sorry, Lindsey."

"Why? It's not your fault."

"The past few days have been so up and down."

"Tell me how you're feeling."

"Relieved mostly. A little disappointed. Surprised at myself."

"Why?"

"Because for a moment I wanted it."

"Do you still?"

"I don't know." She told him truthfully after a few moments, "Part of me wants to say yes. The sensible part of me wants to say no."

"Why?"

"Because it's too big a jump."

"You want us to slow down?"

"I want things back the way they were- simple. Not with all these additional extras about settling down."

"I hate to burst your bubble, Li but we've already settled down."

"I know but not like that. I'm not ready for a family, or picking out china patterns or JC Penney towels."

"Lilah, we already have JC Penney towels."

"I know it's just… confusing. I've never had to do domestic before."

"And now you find you kind of like it? Me too."

"Doesn't it scare you?" She asked, feeling isolated.

"No- I love it. This whole sharing thing."

"I'm not ready for kids yet, Lindsey."

"It's fine. If you want to we can talk about it again. Six months, a year maybe." He asked with a grin, trying to brighten the atmosphere.

"Sure."

"I don't want to pressure you."

"You're not. I'm just tired."

"Aching?"

"A little."

She found his hands on her shoulders, rubbing and massaging the knots of tension away, making her drowsy.

The last words she remembered hearing were 'I love you' as she fell into a dreamless slumber.