Heat of the moment (10/19)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- 'Offspring.'

Distribution- FF.net, AOH, buffysearch.net and Neurotica… anyone else just ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey, past Darla/Lindsey. Allusions to Lilah/Angel.

Rating-NC-17

Summary- Connor and Angel drive a wedge between Lilah and Lindsey

Disclaimer- they belong to the almighty Joss… I am but a child in his candy store

Dedication- To Bobbi who is one in a million

"That's him," Lilah said, pointing to Connor walking down an alley in a run down LA district.

From their rooftop view, Lindsey peered through the darkness at him.

Lilah instantly felt a sting in her heart. Was he seeing Darla in Connor? She turned away from him, unable to look any longer, feeling regretful at bringing him here, jealousy clawing at her insides. She stole one last glance to see he was still staring intently at Connor, not noticing her pain.

"I'll wait for you in the lobby," she said, trying to be neutral.

"Lilah?" He asked, turning to her, concentration completely fixed on her, "What are you thinking?"

"You’re asking me what I'm thinking?" She snapped cynically, "You honestly think I can form a thought right now?"

He was over to her in seconds, arms surrounding her, holding her tightly. She didn't resist, hands gently resting against his chest,

"I wanted to see him to see if I felt anything- which I don't." He said, tenderly in her ear. "It just makes me realise how much I care about you." He lifted her chin to kiss her on the forehead before continuing tentatively, "She was nothing compared to you. It was dark and rough, over in minutes and cold- I'd had a few scotches- but with you… you're so soft, so warm it feels like everything's in slow motion and I never want it to end. I missed you when I was away and… I care. Seeing Connor, now I know he's not mine."

"I'm sorry," she cut in, mostly for the sake of something to say, though she felt it was the wrong choice of words. She hated apologising, Lindsey knew that.

"Why? I'm not. The last thing I'd want would be a son with Darla. When I have kids it's got to be with the right person. Darla's just not the right person. Seeing Connor here tonight has clarified everything. I want you- I don't want anyone else." She felt panicked at how commitment hungry he seemed and he noted her smile was fragile across her lips.

She smiled at him weakly again as he kissed her gently; brushing his lips with hers so shivers ran though her entire body.

"So what now?" He asked, stroking her hair, "The beginning of a new chapter- standing on a rooftop in LA. How's this new chapter going to begin? What's the first sentence?"

"Actually, if you don't mind, I have one paragraph I need to finish up," she took a deep breath, "I need to go back to the Hyperion one last time. I'll take a taxi." She secretly wanted him to say he'd drive her and stay by her side. In all honesty she didn't trust herself with Angel. He had the uncanny ability to make her weak. Lindsey was his exact counterpoint. When Lindsey was by her side she felt strong and confident. If she walked through the door to the hotel with Lindsey she'd win. She'd shock Angel into letting her go and Lindsey, just being with her, wanting to be with her, choosing her over all others had made her realise Angel was bad for her. Lindsey on the other hand was good.

"Don't be stupid, I'll drive you." He told her, feeling taken aback and confused at exactly why she wanted to see Angel that 'one last time.'

"Maybe I'll tell him I'm leaving and he'll let me just walk away. Or maybe he'll want to talk, I don't know." She said, unaware at what she really wanted. She wanted her freedom but deep down part of her yearned for one last chance with Angel.

"Do you ever just talk?" He asked with intense jealousy.

She shrugged. "Sometimes… on the gentler occasions."

"You’re thinking of sleeping with him?"

"Of course not! I have to tell him I'm leaving. I owe him that at least." She said, Lindsey's allegations stinging her a little.

"You don't owe him anything."

"Well I owe you the world right now." She said awkwardly, cuddling closer into his embrace, closing her eyes at the unfamiliarity of the situation and the strength of her feelings for him.

All he could do was hold her tighter.

*****

Lindsey looked at his watch again, fingers drumming angrily against the steering wheel.

Lilah had been inside the hotel saying goodbye to Angel for ten minutes now. Though he wasn't sure if she was saying goodbye or 'saying goodbye' -inverted commas intended.

Anger and concern raced through him in equal amounts. They hadn't talked about exclusivity- that much was true. But then he remembered Lilah on the rooftop barely an hour ago; her hand in his, eyes sparkling when she told him how much she cared. Surely that counted for something didn't it? Half of him wanted to race in there and make sure she was OK and Angel wasn't hurting her. But then he didn't want to walk in on her screwing Angel's brains out.

He didn't need to worry. Making him jump, Lilah crawled dejectedly into the cab. Lindsey hardly dared look at her but when he did he realised the damage was minimal. Her lip was cut and bleeding but not badly, she was barely crying and she didn't appear to be bruised or bitten.

Wordlessly, she wiped the blood from her lip with the back of her hand and said dully,

"It was only a kiss." She said, suddenly feeling incredibly guilty.

"Right." He nodded non-committal yet envious.

"It means nothing." She told him, neutrally, trying to suppress her remorse, attempting to convince herself as well as him.

"He cut you."

"A vampire's teeth are sharp- you know that." She snapped.

"You fuck him?" He asked nonchalantly.

"It's none of your business." She snapped defensively, suddenly regretful and feeling like she was making a horrible mistake.

"I think I have a right to know." He said, angry and confused at her actions in equal amounts.

"No I didn't- I could have though. He was hard and I was… but I didn't." She was trying to hurt him, though bewildered by her own actions. It hit her in a solid wave of memories. As she kissed Angel goodbye he'd whispered in her ear, 'Ask your new boyfriend what he taught Darla to do.' Suddenly she wanted honesty, she wanted details maybe, to combat her own guilt.

"So you just kissed? He didn't touch you?"

"No." She said, suddenly wishing otherwise.

"Because I don't think I could stand it if he had. It's bad enough he kissed you." His words caused her to curl up in the seat defensively, further away from him. He suppressed the instinct to reach over, and uncurl her through tender kissing and cuddling.

"Or maybe I kissed him." She said, hugging her knees close to her chest, resistant and guarded.

"Did you?"

"I don't know." She said, deliberately trying to be reserved.

"So, what about us?"

"What about it? There is no us anymore." She said painfully, realising she may never get through her resentment over Darla. Had he slept with Darla when he'd been sleeping with her? In the same day, the same night? Had he left her sleeping in his bed and then gone looking for Darla? She felt physically sick at the images and desperate to hurt him as much as he was hurting her.

"Do you want to break up?" He asked neutrally though he was shaking inside.

"I don't know… No. I wasn't even fully aware we were together in the first place." She said damagingly.

"We're sleeping together."

"We're barely doing that and that gives you some sort of rights to me?" She snapped angrily, craving her independence suddenly and extremely defensive, the wounds he'd helped to heal savagely ripped open again.

"It obviously did with Angel. After all you've been fucking him for how long?"

"Six months, if you must know. Nearly every night. The sex is fantastic, he's rough, he's smooth and above all I'm in love with him. There you go- I said it. I love Angel." She said emotionally and truthful, she realised. Her feelings hit her like a tidal wave, throat constricting tightly against her larynx causing her to gasp for air. The intensity of her affection scared him and he reached out to touch her in comfort but she only shrugged him away both cruelly and guiltily.

"Fine, if the gloves are coming off… I didn't just fuck Darla the one time. It was lots of times. Mostly in my office with you next door, in our places, our positions. And yeah, she's the one for me. I wish Connor was mine and I love her. You happy now?" He snapped angrily, feeling the need to be honest with her.

She'd been completely stunned by his words, silent and torn apart inside. It was a full two minutes before she spoke again, unable to find her voice.

"So," she said, "This is it. Make or break. And by the looks of us, it's break." She was ripping herself apart but she realised they'd crossed a line in hurting each other and there was no going back.

"Why?" He asked, hurt.

"We're in love with other people. There's no point to…" she trailed off before adding when he didn't speak, "Us." She buried her face in her hands defensively and to hide the tears gathering in her eyes and clawing at the back of her throat.

"So what now? Are you getting out of my truck and walking away? Straight back into his arms I bet."

"I don’t want to." She said honestly, seeing the shock at her words flash across his face.

"And I don't want you to, either."

"So what do you want?" She asked, confused at his feelings.

"I want to drive you to Oklahoma. I won't kiss you, I won't touch you, we go to a motel we get separate rooms." He said harshly, not telling her it was the furthest thing possible from what he wanted. He wanted to make up, to kiss her slowly and passionately and drive with her curled up in his arms; asleep and when she awoke kissing him on the cheek to let him know she'd woken up. Then drive to a motel someplace and curl up in bed together after making love until they were too tired to do so anymore.

"Are you saying you don't want to be with me?" She asked, hurt so much that tears were threatening.

"I'm saying… I don't know what I'm saying." He said, staring into space to avoid her eyes.

She was crying now. Real tears rolling down her cheeks in waves. It felt strange to her, having not cried in so long, to have bottled up her feelings for years and then to have them all pour out of her in one huge wave of vehemence.

He reached out and wiped her tears away, leaning forward and cupping her face with his hands, kissing her forehead gently knowing full well this might be the last kiss they ever shared.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said." He told her, reaching out to stroke her hair.

"Then why say it?" She said, trying and failing to contain her tears.

"Because…" he trailed off.

"You don't know what you want do you?" She asked.

"Do you? Do you have one of those numbered lists? Do I make the top five? Ten?" He snapped. Her body flinched in pain and he instantly regretted his words.

"You make one." She added. On seeing he was shocked she took her chance and leaned over and kissed him, gently and passionately and he responded in the way she knew only he could.

He stroked a finger down her cheek before turning the key in the ignition and driving away from the hotel. He noticed she didn't look back, still curled up gently against his chest just like he dreamed she would.