Heat of the moment (9/19)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- 'Dead End.'

Distribution- FF.net, AOH, buffysearch.net and Neurotica… anyone else just ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey.

Rating-NC-17

Summary- Lilah makes some choices

Disclaimer- they belong to the almighty Joss… I am but a child in his candy store

Dedication- To Bobbi who is one in a million

Lindsey gently shook Lilah awake in the front of his truck. She opened her eyes groggily and found their location was now a gravel car park near a sparkling, unspoilt stream surrounded by lush, green vegetation.

"Where are we?" She asked a little suspiciously, not expecting or prepared for this, counting on a linear, depressing highway, in a systematic string of traffic heading North towards LA.

"The venue for your surprise." He told her gently, his face a picture of serenity.

"This better not involve drowning, swimming or getting wet in any sense of the word- except the good sense," she said with a kinky smile.

"Later," he promised, "Close your eyes."

"No," she told him, point blank, still, despite everything, ultimately distrustful of his motives.

"Why not? Don’t you trust me?"

"No." She told him, sharply and honestly.

"Come on, close your eyes," he coaxed gently, "You honestly think I'd ever hurt you? I'd never, ever hurt you." He said, worried she'd even think that.

Moved by his compassion, she felt the intense need to reach out and touch him. Sensing her need, he hugged her close to him, the intense emotion of it all scaring her a little.

"I'd never hurt you," he repeated, lips close to her ear, "Close your eyes."

His words had melted her and she did so dutifully. He lifted her briefly down from the cab of his truck and one arm around her waist he led her to underneath the shadow of an old oak tree.

"OK. Open them now." He told her nervously.

On opening them she saw a checked blanket spread out on the ground with a picnic hamper and expensive foods laid out across it. Two bottles of champagne and boxes of orange juice to make buck's fizz, plus a bottle of malt, vintage scotch. Exquisite foodstuff surround the blanket in glass bowls, fresh strawberries and some soaked in Asti, slices of watermelon, caviar, smoked salmon and cheese pinwheels and mixed salad.

"Oh my god, Lindsey," she said, sinking down on the blanket next to him, "This must have cost a fortune." She was both shocked and impressed in equal measures that he'd do that for her.

"You’re worth it," he shrugged, "I found this place when I first did the California- Oklahoma run. Anyway, I hope you're hungry."

"I'm starving… do you remember eating at all yesterday?" She asked with a smile.

"No," he said, leaning towards her, strawberry on a stalk between his fingers; "Have some quality food," he offered to feed her the strawberry.

She hesitated before leaning forward to take the fruit in her mouth, smiling as she chewed slowly and swallowed. She was unnerved by the tenderness of his gesture and moved by his affection but she was surprised to find how good it felt to let go and be as relaxed as she could be given her circumstances around someone.

"My turn," she said, leaning over to take a strawberry and offer it to him.

He leaned forward to eat it before kissing her fingers, taking her hand in his, trailing kisses up her arm and across her bare shoulder, up her neck and eventually finding her lips.

He kissed her, gently at first before deepening in passion his tongue gently circling her mouth. He broke the kiss saying, "What do you want now?"

"A hug," she asked shyly, "To be close again?" She scolded herself for how needy her voice came out. Sure she was a little affection-starved as of late but she was no-one's victim and hated to appear that way in front of Lindsey.

"He allowed his body to curl up around hers wordlessly, as he reached for a salmon, dill and cream cheese canapé.

"I promise we'll be close," he said, feeding her the canapé, "You know how I feel, where I stand and what I want," his words were cut off by her pouncing and kissing him again.

"Don't. More eating, less talking."

An hour later with most of the food and nearly a bottle of champagne downed they were inadvertently calmed. They curled up together on the blanket, limbs entangled, staring at the sky.

"Lindsey," she said, "Kiss me again."

"I guess I could. I need to burn some champagne before driving again. Only about fourteen hours until LA… we could be there before the sun rises again." He said reluctantly with a sigh, knowing full well when they got to LA Lilah would be edgy, snappy and on the defensive because of Angel.

He felt her tense in his arms in fear making him instantly worried.

"It's OK," he reassured, "I'm here, I'll look after you."

"Let's go for a walk," she suggested, springing up and offering both hands down to him, in an attempt to burn away her nervousness, "Come on, it's really pretty here."

He rolled his eyes, allowing himself to be dragged up by her, wrapping her arms around him tightly.

"What about the picnic stuff?" He asked.

"Linds, think about it. Who the hell is gonna want to steal half eaten sandwiches and watermelon skin?"

His heart fluttered in his chest. She'd shown him affection, she'd called him 'Linds' and briefly in her eyes he'd seen fondness and devotion conveyed.

"Good point," he said, taking her hand in his as they began to walk downstream, "So what's all this in aid of?"

"Can we talk?" She asked him tentatively, suddenly nervous, her mouth dry at their forthcoming conversation.

"Sure," he said, brushing a stray lock of hair out of her face, "Define 'talk.' 'Us' stuff, or life stuff or… other people." Sensing her nervousness it instantly made him tense. Lilah rarely talked about anything of significance, he'd discovered this soon after meeting her and they'd started sleeping together so this had to be pretty meaningful.

"'Us' stuff…" she said, "I mean what else is worth thinking or caring about?"

"You care about us?" He asked, a little shocked.

"I care about you." She told him genuinely; feeling cautious admitting it nevertheless but knowing it was inevitable.

He squeezed her hand gently.

"What I want to talk about is us… physically." She began.

"You mean sex?"

"Of course I mean sex!" She said, flustered.

"It's OK, isn't it?" He asked alarmed.

"It's… fantastic." She said to avoid ruining his ego, "But right now when we're… I feel like there's this huge barrier between us."

"You mean using condoms?"

"Stop putting things so bluntly! I'm trying to get a speech out here."

"I'm sorry. You want to stop using them?"

"I don't want to stop using… stuff completely. It's just… I'm gonna go back on the Pill. I mean, when you left there was no reason to carry on taking it and now… I trust that…" she trailed off, "I just thought you should know."

"That's great," he said a little insensitively wanting them to be closer still, to be able to really feel her from the inside again, "So, you want me around then?"

"What?" She asked, a little confused at to why he was jumping to such heavy judgements.

"Because… the Pill is a monthly thing, right?" He asked. She nodded and he continued, "And a month is a long time."

"I hadn't thought of it like that. Give me more time? To think?" She said, backing down and running cold again unnerved by how intimate a conversation this was turning out to be.

"Of course," he nodded, "All the time you need." He stopped, stepping in front of her to hold her.

"I just don’t want there to be any barriers between us anymore," she said, running her hands through his hair.

"There isn't now," he whispered, "This is us in our rawest state."

"I think I like it."

*****

"You expected this?" Lindsey said angrily, stood in the middle of Lilah's bare living room.

They'd returned to her LA apartment to find everything cleared out except for the sofa, bed in her room, remaining clothes in her wardrobe and a few boxes of purely sentimental things she'd brought with her from Nevada and never opened.

"Yeah," she told him, "Of course I did. They were hardly going to let me keep a wide screen TV were they?" She sighed, resting her chin on her cupped hands, depressed, yet not surprised, glad for the loose floorboards covering valuable family heirlooms. Plus the secret Swiss bank account was helping some.

"Define 'they.'" He asked, confused and suspicious all at the same time.

"The firm, who else would… oh, God, Lindsey no. Angel would not waste his time doing this to me. He doesn't care enough." She said, feeling a metaphorical knife slice deep into old wounds.

"Are you defending him?"

"No!" She said, hurt further by Lindsey's sudden guarded attitude.

"So why did you say he didn't do this?"

"He couldn’t have, I never invited him in."

"Really?" he asked, shocked.

"Really," she walked towards him, "You’re the only one I've ever brought home with me."

"Really?"

"You stuck on autopilot or something? Yes, really."

"They took our rug," he pointed out, staring at the space where it used to lie, feeling a little upset.

"Actually, I threw it out the night you left. I was so mad at you I hurled it in the dumpster, came back in, drunk a whole bottle of scotch and slept for fourteen hours… we can buy a new rug." She added with a smile, to cover the renewed pain she felt at the memory of him leaving, the pain she'd felt in the following minutes after he'd walked out of the boardroom had been so fierce she'd wanted to fall apart, literally, to stop the suffering.

"We?" he asked, resting his hands on her hips, hopefully.

"Sorry, it just slipped out," she said, relaxing into his touch, "I haven't decided what I want." She realised that was half-true. It scared her that in a matter of days they could be living together in 'domestic bliss', which she had always resisted in the past, yet she didn't think she could bear the pain of having to say goodbye to him again.

"You’re confused and that's OK." He said, truthfully, though he was beginning to feel momentary frustration at her indecision.

"I didn't ask for a pop psychoanalysis," she snapped, turning away frustrated with herself, face instantly softening. "I'm sorry. I'm really tired." She was feeling genuinely apologetic. She didn't mean to be snappy or to hurt or antagonise him in any way. It was just the way she was acting around him was familiar. And she needed familiarity right now.

"It's OK," he said, taking a step closer though he didn't touch her, "You get in the bath. Relax. I'll go and get some groceries. Thai takeout, milk… just the essentials."

"Don't leave me," she said, whirling round, eyes large and scared. He was taken aback by her vulnerability, or seeming vulnerability though he knew she was strong underneath, "I mean can I come with you?"

He resisted the urge to make a lewd joke instead saying,

"Of course."

*****

Lilah woke with a start before realising she was in her own bed. Flopping back against the pillows, heart in her ears, she turned to the bedside clock. 23:59. She and Lindsey had gone to bed at nine, completely exhausted, too tired to even contemplate sex so had engaged in an hour of gentle, soft, passionate kissing instead which had left them both tingling and happy, content to just fall asleep curled up around one another.

She turned to look at Lindsey still sleeping soundly and smiled down fondly at him. She kissed him on the cheek before padding quietly to her en suite bathroom, closing but not locking the door behind her. She began to fill the sink with warm water and stared at herself in the rapidly steaming mirror.

She started to meticulously cleanse, tone and moisturise her face before dressing in a white tank top and blue PJ bottoms, lacy black underwear discarded from underneath the silk pyjamas she'd previously been wearing.

Her contented smile faded instantly on hearing a loud crash outside. She froze, frightened. What if it was Angel? She cursed herself silently for being paranoid but mostly for being scared of her former boyfriend. She heard another bang and froze again, this time in the doorway to the bathroom, contemplating going outside, armed to the teeth with a baseball bat, a few stakes, crosses, holy water… She reprimanded herself for being so panicky knowing full well Angel couldn't enter her apartment but she expected if she stepped outside the door to run straight into him. Stupid as it was, her heart half fluttered in hope at the prospect of seeing him one last time realising she needed some serious closure.

"Lilah?" Lindsey asked her confusedly on awakening, "What's going on?"

She crossed over to him quickly; hand over his mouth to silence him, realising the crash had probably awakened him.

"Don't you hear that?" she whispered.

"What?"

"I heard a noise outside!" She said, panicked. Seeing how anxious she was, his hand found hers on top of the covers, travelling up to grip her arm reassuringly.

"What kind of noise?" He asked nervously.

"A bang."

"You want me to check it out?"

"I don't know." She said, scared for him. If it were Angel outside there would be no contest and she couldn't bear to see him hurt. He traced his finger down her arm, tickling her skin lightly though she didn't respond, trying to relax and assure her in equal measures.

"Hang on," he said, slipping out of bed and pulling on a pair of jeans over his boxers, "I want you to get back into bed with the phone," he handed her the extension handset by her bed, "If I'm not back in five minutes, call the cops. Don't go outside, OK?"

All she could do was nod helplessly as he tucked her into bed, kissing her gently on the forehead.

"It'll be nothing," he reassured her before he left.

She realised she was genuinely scared, her whole body shaking, her thoughts splitting into three. On one hand she knew what Angel was capable of. His strength, his power. He'd bruised her inside and out and they had been lovers. She dreaded to think of what he'd do and how jealous he'd be if he discovered her and Lindsey together. She was considering following Lindsey to make sure he was all right but he'd told her to stay inside knowing she'd be in perhaps more danger than he was. And finally she felt senseless being afraid of a noise outside and of Angel. Hadn't she outwitted him a million times in the past? She cradled the phone in her hand, gripping the handset tightly before she heard footsteps on the stairs again.

"Lindsey?" She called anxiously.

"It's OK," he said, crawling back into bed, holding her, on seeing how scared she was.

"Nothing?" She asked.

"Does your neighbour have a cat?"

"Yeah. It's ginger and white. Really fluffy."

"Do you feed it?"

"Tins of tuna. Then she curls up on my lap while I watch TV," she told him.

"She just knocked over both your trash cans." He said smiling, amused and relieved they were in no danger.

Lilah visibly relaxed in his arms, intense tension melting away.

"He couldn’t have gotten in anyway," Lindsey pointed out, trying to soothe them both with logic.

"I'm glad you were here," she admitted.

"Me too… God I'm wide awake now, anyway."

"So am I." she said playfully, kissing his ear.

"Lilah," he said, "Wanna go for a walk?" He wanted to avoid the sex issue, wait until they got some kind of permanent safe protection down.

"Lindsey," she whined, "Let's not go outside, come on stay here," she pulled him to her, kissing him passionately, reaching for the waistline of his jeans.

"Lilah," he said again more firmly, moving her hands away, "No. I need some fresh air."

"Fresh air over taut flesh, yeah that's a good choice," she snapped sarcastically.

"Why are you afraid?" He confronted her.

"I'm not afraid," she said.

"So prove it, come outside with me." He offered her his hand, which she accepted if only to prove a point, shaking internally.