Heat of the moment (5/19)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- none

Distribution- FF.net, AOH, buffysearch.net and Neurotica… anyone else just ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey

Rating-R

Summary- Lindsey makes a commitment

Disclaimer- they belong to the almighty Joss… I am but a child in his candy store

Dedication- To Bobbi who is one in a million

The feeling was one Lilah could only describe as surreal when she woke up the next morning, tangled somewhere between Lindsey's arms and the top sheet of her bed. She smiled slightly; allowing herself to enjoy the pleasant feeling before it was replaced soon after by fright and unease.

The covers smelt of him, her skin smelt of him, she noted wryly as he turned to look at her with intelligent blue eyes. She managed somewhere from deep inside of her a weak smile. He looked worried, she realised, and somewhat fascinated by her tangle of hair.

"You OK?" he asked tenderly, stroking her hair back into place.

"Yeah," she told him, realising it was the quasi truth, and that she was still panicked by what she was feeling for him.

The silence between them became increasingly awkward as she twisted to look at her watch.

"It's after nine," she told him quizzically, "Shouldn't you be at work?"

"I wanted to stay here, and I didn't want to wake you by moving." He said, worried about Lilah's reaction to him staying with her.

"Lindsey, I'm not sick. I don't need bed rest." She snapped.

"I know," he told her, a little upset at her tone.

"I need to drive back to LA tonight." she said, non-committal, studying the sheen on her fingernails, trying to avoid the shake of her hands and desperate to be rid of the overwhelming emotions she was experiencing towards him.

"Say no if you want to…"

"Say no to what?" She asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

"Let me drive you back to LA. The truck has plenty of room for your stuff…" He said, battling to be nonchalant.

She looked at him for a moment, before saying eventually and coolly although her heart was racing,

"OK." She cursed herself inwardly immediately. As if he didn't have a big enough hold over her already she was allowing him more control? She was confused at her own actions, her own emotions, like her feelings towards him were completely separate from what she felt for the rest of the world.

"Lilah, I meant what I said last night. It wasn't just afterglow talking."

"Can we not?" she said, voice strained, body stiffening in panic.

"Well, I really care instead then."

Lilah's insides burned with conflict. Lindsey told her he loved her and just expected her to take it… didn't he realise she'd built emotional walls so high he'd need a bulldozer to get a hope in hell of being let in?

"It's OK to have feelings now," he said eventually when he realised he'd receive no reply, "You're not working for Special Projects anymore. If you can ignore what's going on underneath, it's just an ordinary law firm."

"Who says I have feelings anyway?" she asked, cutting him a look, angry she'd allowed him to seep under her skin and pick up on what she was feeling.

"No one. It's just… you're letting me hold you." He said, giving her a look of morality and rawness, his nervous emotion shining in his eyes.

"Is that supposed to mean I'm in love with you or something?"

"No." He said, non-committal, but hurt nevertheless.

"Good. Because I'm not." she said, a pang of guilt travelling through her body when she saw the look on his face. She was surprised to find she was hurting inside knowing she'd hurt him and fought the strong urge to reach up and touch his face.

"Are you sure you want to go to Oklahoma?" he asked her, suddenly desperate to change the subject.

"Like I have much choice." She said, her voice not concealing how bitter she was about the way the firm had treated her.

"You could quit."

"And go all innocent and good like you?" she laughed scornfully, "My parents are not carrying me along. In fact it's the opposite way around."

"I'll be there, If you need me."

"You live three hours away." She said, struggling out of his grasp, desperate to be free of the tender way he was holding her. She realised that maybe if she didn't touch him she wouldn't feel anything for him.

"Same state, a phone call away." He pointed out; missing the warmth of her body immediately and so badly he ached inside.

"I've never relied on anyone in my life and I don't intend to start now."

"You don't know anyone here." He said, nervously shifting closer, desperate to be near her again.

"And I didn't when I first got to LA. I'll survive, and I don't care… I can't care." She said, turning her face away from his to avoid how compassionate his eyes were.

"God, you are so self centred."

"There you go again."

"What?"

"You claim you 'really care' about me and then you criticise and hate every part of me and everything I do." She snapped, hurt that he'd start a fight with her after everything he'd said last night.

"I don't!" He exclaimed.

"No?" She asked, her expression softening, defences crumbling before his eyes.

"I 'really care' about every part of you… even though you drive me crazy." He said with a charming grin, glad the fight had passed leaving them both relatively unscathed, "It's good you drive me crazy, it makes me realise how… special you really are."

"You drive me crazy too," she said with a small yawn, eyelids suddenly heavy again.

"If you wanna get some sleep I won't move," he began, before realising she was already asleep against him. He bent down softly to kiss her hair and added as an afterthought,

"I love you…"

*****

Despite the madness that surrounded them Lindsey had walked to the local store for pre packaged sandwiches whilst Lilah slept.

He'd stayed in bed just watching her sleep, until eleven A.M., when he'd slipped out to try and balance his chequebook- for the first time in six months. Yet, unable to concentrate, he'd gone out for a walk to try and clear his head before stopping off at the grocery store and returning home- and straight to Lilah's room.

He tried to sit down as softly as he could on the edge of the bed so not to wake her, enjoying how beautiful she looked when she was asleep, but he felt a pair of ice blue eyes on him anyway.

"It's OK, I'm awake," she said groggily, her mind clearing and a vague sense of annoyance that Lindsey had let her sleep in so late chasing through her, before pulling herself up to a seated position.

He handed her tuna sandwiches in it's plastic triangle casing.

"What's all this?" she asked, almost suspicious.

"Lunch." He said, nervous about the intimacy of the gesture.

She read off the label, "Tuna mayonnaise? This'll go straight to my thighs," she joked gently.

"It just might have some company." he said with a devilish grin.

Across the covers, he traced one hand up her thigh, his cue to kiss her and he did so, gently and briefly.

"You feel OK?" he asked her.

She shrugged. "Groggy… normally I get about three hours of sleep so this… is taking its toll." But she managed a smile nevertheless, realising she wasn't annoyed at him only touched by his kindness.

"What time do you want to leave for LA?" He said, nervous at the prospect of taking her, nervous at her reaction when they got back to LA. What would he become to her then?

"After nightfall? I'd rather travel in the dark." She said, realising she felt more at home in the dark, having been living an almost nocturnal life for the past four years.

"Night drive it is," he said, taking her hand in his on top of the covers.

She flinched slightly in surprise, then relaxed as he kissed her knuckles, studying her smooth skin before holding her hand to his face. She allowed her body to unwind completely under his touch letting herself feel wholly at ease with her current situation.

She smiled at the tenderness of his touch.

"I've been thinking…" he told her softly.

"Did it hurt?" she joked, uncomfortable at their closeness. She liked the silence of a few seconds ago. When Lindsey was silent yet affectionate, he put her under no pressure and allowed her to forget what a mess her life had become. When he spoke he made her remember, albeit unintentionally.

"Of moving out of Cordell." He said, giving her a cool look.

"Vegas is nice, or Miami would be perfect for you." She grinned playfully.

"No, seriously now Lilah. I want to move to Oklahoma City… with you."

She pulled her hand away, mouth suddenly dry, her body practically twitching in blind panic.

"Back up a minute… We haven't talked about this." She said, allowing the fright she felt to seep into her voice.

"I know."

"We haven't even talked about exclusivity! I've got a boyfriend back home!" She said, playing for time and blindly clambering for excuses.

"A boyfriend who trashes your spine and fucks you raw every night." He said, half hurt by her rejection, half expecting this reaction.

"He's still in my life…" She reminded him sadly, knowing she wanted him full well out and Lindsey in his place.

"So he's going to move to Oklahoma with you? Has he even noticed you've gone?" He asked angrily.

She fell silent, knowing full well the answer; her insides aching knowing she was hurting him.

"What we have here is something," he continued convincingly, "It's real, it's…"

"A crush. It's not love." Her voice shook, her ideology melting away by the second.

"You said you wanted stability. Here it is. The chance is right here in front of you, why won't you take it?" Lindsey asked frustrated, reaching out his hand to her. She didn't accept, only staring blankly at it.

"You’re taking a lot on faith here, we've slept in the same bed once." She said, suddenly intrigued by the notion of her and Lindsey living together.

"I know every part of you. How many nights did we spend on that rug in your front room? Last night I felt like I couldn’t get deep enough inside…" He said, reaching out to stroke her arm through the sweater she'd slept in. Reminded of those nights in her apartment, always finding themselves tumbling for the rug, her dressed in silk dresses, blacks and reds, her above him, underneath him, the comfort and softness of the carpet, her laughing, smiling… a million miles away from the way she was looking at him now.

"Very Danielle Steel." She smirked, relaxing into his touch and snuggling against his shoulder.

"At least think about it." He asked her hopefully, looking into her eyes.

"OK." she nodded, watching his whole body tense, "I'll think about it…" Looking into his eyes and for once in her life meaning what she said.

She reached out to touch his cheek.

Instinctively he leaned forward to kiss her.