Heat of the moment (4/19)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- none

Distribution- FF.net, AOH, buffysearch.net and Neurotica… anyone else just ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey

Rating-NC-17

Summary- Spending the night together brings up some controversial emotions and confessions

Disclaimer- they belong to the almighty Joss… I am but a child in his candy store

Dedication- To Bobbi who is one in a million

Lindsey pushed open the door to his bedroom letting Lilah step in before him. Shutting the door behind him, he sent the room into pitch-blackness as Lindsey instinctively stumbled over to his bedside cabinet, flicking on the lamp, sending a faint glow out across the room, nervous about upcoming events.

Lilah's eyes were drawn to the expensive maroon and cream décor and carmine bedspread, as she stood momentarily frozen in the middle of the room. The floor was wooden parquet ('Not real wood' she thought wryly,) centre squared, made of fine pine. The walls were painted off cream, skirting boards a dark maroon and a single thin border traced the length of the wall dividing the walls horizontally in half. The bed was modern and simple made of authentic cherry wood and mahogany. Two bedside cabinets that held a single drawer were made of perfectly matching mahogany. The lamp that had been flicked on, on one of the bedside tables was of African style. A standing lamp in the corner held a traditional classicist theme, which if switched on, would cast a bright light across the room, highlighting the weaving red birch and walnut of the stand. An antique Persian rug of woven orange and blue silk covered most of the floor. On top of it stood a bookcase compromising of five redwood shelves and holding a small, old style globe. Finally, a dining chair stood in the corner of the room with a red leather cushion.

"It's… nice," she told him awkwardly sitting down on the duvet uncomfortably, running her hand over the cover, "It's… classy." She tried to cover her nerves at being close to him finally, his good class surprising her.

"I'm glad you like it," he told her, with no real emotion conveyed, sitting down beside her, yearning to be closer, not showing feeling so not to scare her away.

"Are you sure you want to?" she asked him bluntly, "Here? In your bed?" A vague sense of irritation and urgency traced across her skin.

He traced a forefinger down her cheek, surprised at her distrust of him still.

"Of course," he told her, shifting closer, "Doing it in bed promotes a sense of affection and intimacy."

"None of which will be featured in our sex," she said cynically.

She was proved wrong, not by his following words, but by the tender way he brushed his lips over hers, causing her to shiver involuntarily.

She didn't expect this. She expected love bites, him throwing her, literally onto the bed and ripping her clothes off. That's what she was used to from him and that's what she expected. This new softness was unfamiliar to her and it was unnerving.

He saw this fear in her eyes and kissed her twice more on the lips for reassurance, looking into her eyes to offer comfort each time, nervous about frightening her.

Slowly he moved to plant gentle kisses on her neck, burying his hands deep in her hair.

"I'm glad you kept your blonde streaks," he whispered against her neck, "I love your hair…"

Lilah felt paralysed, unable to speak. She wasn't used to Lindsey being so sensual, and it was making her powerless against him.

She leant back so the silk of her black jacket left her shoulders and arms exposed for his hand's exploration of her dark, halter neck dress. Momentarily taking control, she set to removing his jacket and tie, letting them fall forgotten to the floor in an instant, as they engaged in a few more minutes of gentle, kindling kissing.

Curling up around each other, Lindsey's hand began to trace up and down Lilah's bare arm, the other laced with her own hand sending a frenzy of goose-bumps over her body.

She gradually unbuttoned his shirt letting the navy blue cotton drop from his skin, her nails raking over his chest.

"Oh god," he managed to say, resting her head against his shoulder, before pulling the strings of her halter neck prior to laying her down on the bed, pulling the fabric down and away from her body.

Cautiously, she reached up to unfasten his trousers, hands finding the waistline of his boxers.

"Wait," he said through the passion induced haze, one hand reaching inside the drawer of his bedside cabinet, "Protection right?"

"Right," she nodded, surprised by his thoughtfulness.

"Thirty seconds," he promised, kissing her nose.

She shifted slightly to stare at the ceiling, a moment's hesitation flickering in her eyes.

He saw it, leaning back over to stroke her face.

"We don't have to…" he whispered tenderly.

She leaned up to catch his lips in a burning kiss, non-verbally saying 'yes.'

He pushed inside her gently, in one sudden stroke, her gasping into his mouth as if it were their first time.

He was surprised, as he began to move inside her in mild circles, she was letting him take control, always demanding in their previous, frenzied couplings she was in complete supremacy. But it hit him then, watching her eyes half close in ecstasy; something had changed between them.

"I missed you," he breathed in her ear, on his way down to kiss her neck.

"No you didn't," she said back, heavily, "You just missed this."

"I missed you so much," he realised genuinely, quickening his pace, feeling his tension increase.

Reaching down between their bodies, he sent her crashing over the edge within minutes and within seconds poured himself inside of her. He stilled, breathing heavily, holding her tightly with one arm, the other hand reaching up to stroke her hair with a shaky, emotional smile on his face.

Eventually, he rolled off her, unwillingly, instantly feeling their connection melt away, as her body became rigid and tense beneath him, realising she'd just let him have complete control over her and she'd never let anyone dominate her before.

She got off his bed instantaneously, pulling her dress back on again, retying the string around her neck and hunting for her jacket on the floor.

"Are you OK?" he said, breaking the silence.

"Fine," she replied, her voice strained with falseness, locating her jacket and pulling it on.

Lindsey was surprised he felt frustrated with her because after everything they'd just shared she'd resorted back to be a cold-hearted bitch.

"So…" he said, "You're not coming back to bed for a cuddle?"

"Cuddling," she sneered, "Is what five year olds do."

"Cuddling is what adults do to feel close to each other," he pointed out, as she crossed her arms, "I don't bite."

She rolled her eyes and sighed before crawling into bed beside him, lying in his open arms stiffly, offering no contact.

He gently stroked her hair and back in an attempt to relax her.

"Do you want to stay the night?" he asked.

"Got a marriage license you want me to sign there?" she quipped.

"I just thought it would be nice to wake up together… that's all…" he said, realising she wasn't looking at him, tense and staring at the door, looking for the quickest escape route. He relaxed his hold on her, not wanting her to feel threatened.

She didn't reply as he continued to run his hands over her back in amiable circles.

"Was it OK?" he asked.

"It was… pleasant…" Lilah said, knowing damn well it had been amazing both physically and emotionally.

"Pleasant?" he laughed slightly, bowing his lips to her ear, "God I love you…"

Her body jerked violently and he knew it was too late to take the words back.

"Get the fuck off me," she growled, springing up and running out of the door and into her own room before he could even pull on some clothes to follow her. He flopped back against the pillows and sighed. He'd just opened up his heart to her and she'd reacted by flat out rejection. Rolling his eyes, he resolved himself to pulling some clothes on to follow her and find out what her problem was and where he stood with her.

*****

"Lilah… come on… open the door," Lindsey said convincingly, knocking softly on her bedroom door once he'd retrieved his clothes, "Look we need to talk." When he got no response he second-guessed, "I'm sorry?"

She opened the door, turning away from him making his stomach tense. He moved to try and comfort her with a compassionate hug but she backed away from him sharply.

"I let you in so you could see I was OK. You got what you wanted. Now get out." She said, voice, low, angry and brimming with fragments of emotion, hostility and terror coursing through her in equal amounts.

"You think I want to see you upset? That's the last thing I want!"

"Because you love me?" she snapped, "And who says I'm upset? Love is such a fucking cliché anyway… You're not capable of it." She said, frightened at the intensity of his feelings for her and the prospect of losing him again in a matter of days.

"I care…"

"Stop it!" She said, throwing her hands in the air.

"Stop what?"

"Being… nice… gentle…"

"So you'd rather I'd fucked you against the wall really rough and bruised you inside and out?"

"Is this a joke to you?" She snapped, allowing her persona to slip momentarily and hurt to flash across her face. This is the Lindsey she was used to. Being hurtful and satirical when he spoke to her. It was familiar and in a twisted way, extremely comforting.

"It is to you… Miss… Unstable."

"I don’t care… I can't… I can't feel anything anymore…" she said before sitting rigidly on the bed, suddenly too tired to conceal her honesty anymore.

He crawled across after her, his arms lacing around her waist. He kissed her on the cheek, little more of a brushing of his lips over her skin.

She was unresponsive, too drained and exhausted of emotion to reply, shocked at his tenderness. He surprised her further by simply holding her, not wanting anything in return. He ran his hand down her face, her eyes dead when they looked into his and he suddenly realised 'his' Lilah had gone, possibly forever. The one that had teased and taunted him but always with a sly smile on her face and eyes that sparkled with how alive she was inside.

"I'm worried about you," he told her honestly, softly, shifting so his hold on her tightened, "Are you OK?"

"No," she told him simply, too tired to forgo sincerity.

"Tell me what's wrong." He said tenderly, taking her face in his hands, his eyes full of concern.

"I wouldn't know where to start…" She said hesitantly, looking towards the floor.

"So let me. Why'd you drink so much tonight?"

"I drink that much every night." She told him flatly.

"Why?"

"Dulls the pain before…" She trailed off.

"You have horrible and violent sex with your latest squeeze?"

"I… he… makes me feel…"

"You love him?" He asked, downplaying his realisation, battling to conceal his envy.

"No, God, no! If anything… I'm completely infatuated… he makes me miserable… he was just supposed to be… but now…" She trailed off again left in her memories of applying antiseptic cream to bite marks over her body where he'd pierced the skin. Angry, pure blue and red bruises left by slamming her into things, her weak against him. He'd been the only person in the world who'd ever made her feel like a victim. And now she was looking into Lindsey's eyes and seeing how much he genuinely cared about her and she felt like inside she had regained a little of herself tonight.

"He's something more? It's OK to have feelings." He told her, battling to keep his voice uninvolved.

"It's not. The firm found out, and… I got demoted. Oklahoma City, associate- well, semi again- effective in four days."

He squeezed her tighter in sympathy, remembering what it felt like to suffer the firm's wrath.

"At least it'll be further from home. Last week my sister just turned up on my doorstep with her three kids. I actually felt an attachment- somewhere- and I realised I needed… stability, normality, and… I wanted you." She finally admitted, blushing slightly.

He kissed her on the cheek, saying nothing his face showing complete neutrality. Inside he felt raw, looking at how beaten down she'd gotten in the time he'd been away. How many people had been allowed to attack her?

They crawled into bed together both emotionally exhausted. In their rawness they clung to each other, arms locked around the opposite body too afraid to let go. Sleep eventually ensnared them; both lost in restless nightmares until dawn broke over the horizon.