Heat of the moment (2/19)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- none

Distribution- FF.net, AOH, buffysearch.net and Neurotica… anyone else just ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey

Rating- R

Summary- Lines begin to get crossed

Disclaimer- they belong to the almighty Joss… I am but a child in his candy store

Dedication- To Bobbi who is one in a million

"And?" Lindsey asked, standing as Lilah closed the door to the doctor's surgery. She tapped the prescription against her forefinger.

She'd made him wait outside of course. Not wanting to look weak in the face of a stranger, she prided herself on being capable, together. Right now nothing could be further from the truth…

"Stronger painkillers. Nothing's broken but then I could've told you that…" She said with a conceited, concealing grin.

"It never hurts to be concerned."

"You should never be concerned about anyone but yourself." Lilah reminded him, flicking her hair away from her face automatically to show her disdain at his observation.

"That's pretty cynical."

"I'm a cynical person."

"You never used to be."

"Well maybe I've changed. Besides, you never knew a damn thing about me in the first place!" she pointed out angrily, walking away from him.

"Lilah," he hissed, following her.

"Just stop it, OK?" She told him, angrily.

"Stop what?"

"Being all… nice! It's creepy."

"What's wrong with being nice?"

"Nice people are doormats."

"I was always nice to you before."

"Like when?"

"I used to get you off a lot…" He reminded her with a mischievous grin in an attempt to try and relax her.

Lilah paused for a moment before letting her own, slow smile crawl to her lips, savouring the memories.

"True…"

"Was that sarcastic?"

"No." she said pulling her cellphone out of her bag and turning it on. Dammit, he'd got her thinking again about good he'd made her feel. Better than good… great. Her mind struggled for a better adjective.

"What are you doing?" he asked her, almost angrily, suddenly and unexplainably afraid of losing her again.

"Calling a cab."

"For what?"

"To drive me to a pharmacy and then a hotel." She said, trying to evoke a reaction, making herself so elusive that he wouldn't lose interest in her again.

"Lilah," he said, snatching her cell from her and pocketing it, "Stop being melodramatic, I don’t live my life that way anymore… I can't just sleep with someone and then feel nothing, I've changed. Even though we didn't…" he trailed off.

"Why are you telling me this? And who's the melodramatic one now? It was always just skin." Lilah said, attempting to create a distance between her and Lindsey.

"No… it really wasn't. Stay tonight and if you want to go in the morning, great."

She looked at him for a moment.

"Fine, one more night…" she relented.

"And let me buy you lunch."

"You promised you'd stop being nice."

"Fine, you can buy your own lunch."

She smiled at him as they walked down the street in search of a diner. She allowed herself to relax; taking a step closer to him conflicted in allowing herself to get attached again…

*****

Lilah was dimly aware though she chose to ignore it, of Lindsey staring at her, occasionally touching her bandaged wrist, smiling in understanding.

"Are you OK?" Lindsey asked Lilah as she finished her coffee.

She rolled her eyes.

"Stop asking me that, I'm fine."

"Yeah, because fine is having sixty five per cent of your body with bruises."

"Luckily these pills are making me feel drowsy, dizzy… yet comfortably numb…"

"You can't feel anything?"

"I've never been able to feel anything- not in the sense of support group let's all share our feelings- but… all my nerve endings feel numb." She realised suddenly, worried about her recent lack of control over her own body, let alone her feelings.

"So you can't feel this?" he asked, gently tracing his fingertip over her forefinger.

"No," she said, shaking her head.

"What about this?" he asked, turning her hand over and tracing tiny circles on her palm.

"No…" She said, the closeness making her nervous.

Lindsey felt far from nervous. Being near her felt so strangely right to him.

"And this?" he asked lacing his hand with hers and squeezing slightly.

"That I felt…"

She smiled at him and he smiled back, their eyes locking for a few seconds.

Suddenly her face darkened as she pulled her hand away from his, afraid to get close to him in case he hurt her- emotionally or physically. The transition amazed him- when had she gotten so scared?

"Oh no, you don't get to do that," she said, inching away.

"What?"

"Be nice… let me think I actually like you… which I don’t…"

"Just because he wasn't nice to you doesn't mean I can't be… we're just…" he struggled to finish his sentence.

"The doctor wanted me to call the cops," she said with complete neutrality, her face unfeeling again, returning to her original stance of impartiality.

"Are you going to?"

She laughed slightly, pride rising in her throat.

"I'm no-one's victim. Besides, it would make me his… even more so. I'm no one's anything."

"You’re always someone's… You're someone's daughter, sister, aunt… You're my ex-partner… in more ways that one."

"I was never yours… and you were never mine…" she said, staring into space to avoid the kindness of his eyes.

"What happened to you, Lilah? You used to be so vibrant… passionate… and now all you look is miserable and tired." He said, not bothering to act unprejudiced anymore.

"Maybe it's because I am."

"You blame me, don't you?"

"If I didn't blame you I'd blame myself… and guilt would get me killed."

"Nothing's worth this, Lilah. Whatever shit you left behind in LA, leave it there."

"It's not shit, OK? What's left in LA is what's left of my life!" She snapped words bitter across her tongue.

"Don't tell me you actually love this guy?" he asked in disbelief, ignoring the hurt that flashed through him.

"I don’t do 'love.'"

"Why not?"

"There's no such thing. Love is just lust hyped up on chemicals."

"That's pretty skeptical."

"You obviously have to be weak to be in love, slave to that many chemicals like you can't control your own body."

"Not necessarily. You've never been in love?"

"No. You?"

"Once…" he trailed off lost in memories.

"Darla, right?"

"I never loved Darla. I was infatuated with her but… no, it wasn't her."

There was an awkward silence as Lilah stared down into her empty coffee cup, suddenly suspicious of his motives. Was it even possible has was in love with or he had loved her? She scolded herself inwardly as glimmers of hope raced across her skin.

"You notice how I drink to fill awkward silences?" she asked him.

"I noticed. Actually we should head back, the traffic's murder… we could pick up wine and a movie on the way…" he asked hopefully, wanting to feel close to her again.

"As long as it's nothing romantic and we get Shiraz."

"Terminator and cabernet."

"No, Shiraz. And something classy… French. With subtitles…"

"I hate subtitles."

"Well I hate cabernet." She fizzled.

"I've seen you drink it before." He said, annoyed at her argumentative streak, as she pouted slightly. "I'll do you a deal," he softened, "You can have your fruity European movie and Shiraz of I can get salted popcorn."

"But I want toffee…" she whined.

"Tough. You really can't have things your own way all the time, you've got to learn to play well with others."

"You're gonna teach me?" She asked with a genuine, flirtatious smile.

"I just might."

*****

"What's that noise?" Lilah asked, as they settled on the sofa, to watch La Petite Marchande d'allumettes, "It sounds like a gopher is scratching at your living room door, not that I’d be surprised. This is Oklahoma after all."

"We have a dog," Lindsey explained, getting up to open to door. "You haven't seen him yet?"

"No," she said, curling up on the sofa a little fearfully, as he let the brown and black, medium sized dog into the room, "Looks like a mongrel though." She wasn't used to domestic animals. Always wanting a puppy but never getting one aged five had really taken it's toll on how she felt about getting a pet now. Lindsey picked up on her nervousness and chose to ignore her remark about his 'mongrel dog' to relax her.

"He is a mongrel," Lindsey said, scratching the dog behind the ears, as he reclaimed his seat, "His name's Monty, and you could at least say 'Hello…'"

"Why? It's a lame dog with an even lamer name."

"Go ahead… say 'Hi.'"

She rolled her eyes as she tickled the dog gently on the nose, amazingly trusting of Lindsey.

"This is so natural." Lindsey said, without thinking. Seeing the panicked look in her eyes, he willed his own face to remain neutral hoping she'd discount the remark.

Lilah's face darkened, body language closed as she sunk back into the cushions.

"Natural?" she cut, coldness seeping into her voice.

"Yeah…" Lindsey said nervously, apprehensive of her advancing reaction.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she snapped curtly.

"Nothing."

"Come on… you said it you… opened this up!" she said, obviously angry at letting him close, curled up tight in the corner of the sofa to maintain her distance.

"Opened what up?" He said, neutrally, feigning innocence.

"Don't twist this, you're the one that said this was natural!"

"Well isn't it?" he asked, getting slightly annoyed, concealing his feelings.

"Isn't what?"

"This… video, popcorn, wine, family dog… us…" He said, taking a chance nervously.

"This isn't natural, if anything it's unnatural! It's horrible." Lilah said, her mind tangling in confusion.

Lindsey let himself look hurt for a nanosecond before regaining his composure.

"We used to spend every waking moment together…"

"In an office tower."

"In your bed… but what was the difference?" He asked, momentarily confused.

"There wasn't any… there were no feelings between us. That was the beauty…"

Without thinking, he leaned across to kiss her. Shocked, she responded automatically, kissing him back with a tentative passion.

The kiss continued for quite some time neither waning nor deepening in desire because they both knew when the kiss broke words would be spoken and boundaries made.

Suddenly, something snapped in Lilah and she pulled away from him forcefully, standing, her hand flying to her lips.

"What the hell are you doing?" she snapped at him angrily, her eyes aflame.

"What are you doing?" he retaliated, inner defences coming into play, thought in all honesty, he realised he expected this reaction. He thought wryly of their first kiss, the way she'd felt so smooth, stroking his hair and face, smiling into the kiss and afterwards as well… He was brought back down to earth by her saying,

"What am I doing? You jumped me…" she said, crossing her arms defensively.

"You kissed me back."

"You started it."

"I didn't mean to." He realised, it had just happened because it felt natural.

"So why did you?" She asked in confusion.

"Because…" he struggled for an explanation.

"Because you want to fuck, is that it?"

"No!" he said, choosing to ignore the half flash of hurt that crossed her face. He didn't just want her body he realised. He wanted every part of her suddenly. Starting with a hint of warmth towards him.

"What's this about?"

"You tell me, you're the one making the big deal over this!" he said, trying to get her angry and/or frustrated enough to open up, his own rage and bewilderment making his shoulders ache with tension.

"I'm not making a big deal, I just think I deserve an explanation."

"You're making something out of nothing." He said without thinking, not meaning to hurt her.

"So this is nothing?"

"Yes."

"I agree. It was nothing, won't happen again." She said, relaxing, knowing he wasn't going to put any pressure on her tonight.

"Fine by me."

She sat down on the second sofa to maintain her distance pressing 'play' on the remote as she did so.

The next few hours were spent in silence, both pretending to understand the French and trying to convince themselves the kiss meant nothing… Despite the fact they couldn't take their eyes off each other…