Flesh and Blood (19/25)

Author- Midnight Faith

Pairing- Lindsey/Lilah with Cordy/Angel on the side…

Spoilers- none

Distribution- ff.net, Ace of Harts, Neurotica… anyone else just ask :)

Rating- R

Summary- A vacation gives Lindsey and Lilah a chance to talk about their future…

Notes-' Part 3/3 of a trilogy. Which also contains 'Southern Comfort' and 'Silver Cloud, Bitter Lining.' Written on location at the Odney club in Cookham.

"What are you doing in here?" Cordy asked Lilah as she sat on a chair next to Hannah's empty crib, clutching a lone, yellow soft toy duck.

"Just thinking…" she said.

"We're leaving in an hour," Cordy told her gently, "After the sun sets… do you feel OK?"

"I'm fine… I still want to go… I just…"

"Its OK, honey…"

"You only started calling me 'honey' yesterday… after Hannah left… do you hate me?"

"What?"

"After all the horrible things I've done to you… you must really hate me…"

"Hey," Cordy said, sweeping Lilah's hair out of her eyes, "What's brought this on?"

"I don't know… I just suddenly realised what a horrible person I am…"

"You're not… OK? Don't you dare believe that… don't even think it…"

"I'm sorry…"

"And stop apologising… All I'm heard you say is 'I'm sorry…' in the last couple of days… none of this is your fault… everything's crazy right now and whatever you're feeling… is completely normal. I could never hate you so please don't think that…"

"I'm sorry… it's just lately… I've been questioning…"

"Again… normal. You're fine… and this time in the mountains… away from here will do you the world of good…"

"Where's Lindsey?"

"He's gone out… but he'll be back soon… I'm glad you guys are making a go of it…"

"Me too… I guess… something just clicked…"

"I know the feeling…"

*****

"Do you need anything?" Lindsey heard Cordy ask Lilah, outside the bedroom door he was sharing with her at the cabin.

Using the excuse of driving fatigue as soon as they'd got there; he'd made a beeline for their room, mostly to avoid awkward conversation with Angel. Each of them was being forcibly polite for the sake of Cordy and Lilah.

Lindsey sighed and dropped down onto the seemingly new chair in the corner of the room. Fresh pine scent evaded him as he heard Lilah say,

"No, we're fine."

"OK… see you in the morning…"

"Goodnight."

The door opened and Lilah walked in a little nervously. He smiled at her, the thought crossing his mind the more they shared physically the less they shared emotionally and the more uncomfortable the silence became between them. What would she expect from him tonight?

"Cordy was just filling me in…" Lilah told him, "Connor started talking last week… basics like 'Cordy' and 'Dad.' So don't be surprised if he comes out with 'Lindsey' tomorrow…"

"I think if he says anything new it'll be 'Lilah…'"

He stood, his arms encircling her waist as she threaded her hands in his hair.

"You hate this don't you?" she asked him, "Being here?"

"No… it's liveable… I just wanted our first vacation to be special…"

"This is special… we're away… together. It's not like we're here *here* with Angel… it just happens to be his cabin… you don't have to socialise just be civil… for Cordy's sake…"

"OK… it's just… I came here to try and forget…"

"Don't… I'm not trying to forget my own daughter… It's only a weekend to get our heads together… to maybe work out what we want… just not tonight… I'm really tired… I need a lot of sleep lately…"

"Me too…"

"Why didn't you go to bed then?"

"Because I wanted to wait for you… make sure you were OK… do you want to?" he trailed off, searching her eyes.

"Do you?" she asked him, her voice low, almost a whisper.

"I don't want to do it for the sake of doing it… that would just be meaningless and… I'm not going there… again…"

"And the last time… was far from meaningless… so I guess we should just keep it… special?"

He held her tighter to him and didn't let her go for a long time…

*****

"Finally… I get you alone…" Lindsey said as he and Lilah entered their room on their last night at the cabin.

He kissed her, deeply and filled with passion, gently circling the roof of her mouth with his tongue.

"I get it…" she said, her tone playful yet genuine, "You wanted me alone so we could have sex…"

"Not necessarily…" he said, slipping his hand underneath her top so he could trace the soft contour of her spine with his forefinger, "I just wanted to talk… about us…"

One hand on her hip, he carefully guided her over to the bed, sitting down on the edge side by side.

"I've been thinking… about us… what I want… and what you want…" he began softly, his voice barely above a whisper though he didn’t touch her.

"We're not splitting up are we?" she asked him, her voice still relaxed yet strained with fear.

"No…" he reassured her, taking her hand in his, "No… far from it…"

"So…"

"Do you still want to get married?" he asked her.

She looked taken aback with shock for a few seconds in an expression he couldn't really register as joy or complete panic.

"Are you asking?" she asked, her voice tainted with disbelief as she pulled her hand away from his.

"I don’t know…"

"Well… what's brought this on… again? You asked me before… and it didn’t work…"

"But that was before… back then… that was practically nothing…"

"So what's changed?"

"Hannah… we have a baby who needs a loving and secure home to come home to… and we're living together…"

"So nothing then… because we had all of that before… things aren't stable… we're going to be like strangers to Hannah when she comes back… and it's Cordy's apartment too…"

"She can stay with us… and… I love you…"

"That's the first time since we've got back together you've told me… you're not sure… and why anyway?"

"You're smart… you're beautiful… you're just… amazing… you always have been."

"So why weren't we dating three years ago?"

"Because… it was never an option. I'm sorry we're not doing this in the right order… I want things to be as good as they possibly can be…"

"So what difference does it make if we're married or not? It won’t change anything…"

"I'll be showing the world I'm with you… I'll be making a commitment…"

"Yeah, exactly, you'll be doing everything…"

"You will be too… let's not fight…"

"Precisely… that's all we are… all we ever do is fight… I can't marry you knowing we'll be at each other's throats all the time… you only want to marry me because you think you should."

"That's not true… even if everything else was gone… I'd still want you…"

"The only thing we have in common is we like having sex with each other…"

"When I look into your eyes… it's more than just physical… it's deeper."

"Who says we even want the same things?"

"Who says we don't…"

"You want a family… I don’t…"

"I have a family… I have Hannah… I have you… I just want to give Hannah a secure home to grow up in… I don’t care if that means not having any more kids because I know you don't want them… I know having Hannah scared you to death… I just want to be with you…"

"So you want to get married?"

"OK… yes…"

"And we've been on precisely one date…"

"So we'll go on more dates…"

"That's not the point… you only want to get married because I'm half of Hannah's gene pool and you'll get access to free and easy sex whenever you want it…"

"The reason I want to get married is because I love you…" he said, getting more frustrated by the second.

"Is it enough?"

"Look this obviously isn't going to work if you need convincing…" he said, standing.

"Lindsey," she pleaded, catching his wrist before she entangled her hand with his, "Come here…"

"What?"

"Come here…" she said. He allowed himself to get pulled back down onto the bed as she looked straight into his eyes, "I don't just love you… I'm *in* love with you…"

"I… I didn't know," he said taken aback, catching her face in his hands, "When did this happen?"

"Not until about a week ago… I was watching TV and this Hallmark advert came on… the one about lovers at Christmas… and that's when it hit me… you're the father of my baby… and I love you… so ask me again… directly."

"What?"

"Ask me to marry you…"

"Fine," he sighed, "Lilah, will you marry me?"

"Yes…"

"What was the point… wait a minute… yes?"

"Yes… I'll marry you…"

"Yes?"

"Stop saying that… I want to get married…"

He pulled her into a crushing hug, reaching out to kiss her neck…

They didn't talk for a long time…