Chinese Whispers

Author- Midnight Faith

Archiving- fanfiction.net, Ace of Harts, Buffy Angel improv archive… anyone else keep my name on it and mail me to let me know where it's going.

Disclaimer- Christian can call me anytime! Seriously don't own them… wish I did… very handing if I *was* ever in trouble with the law… they're damn fine lawyers

Pairings- Lindsey/Lilah *I'm a freak*

Rating- PG harmlessness

Spoilers- 'Dead End' I guess. Sorta.

Improv- Lucky 19 (geddit?) Noble- Damn- Still- Struggle

Summary- Three months after 'Dead End' Lindsey returns to see how Lilah's doing…

Notes- the first fic I'm posting here… be gentle with me. This is un-beted apart from my faithful spellchecker but it won't necessarily pick up the grammar. I'd love it if anyone could give me some tips on characterisation… it's my downfall…

It's getting more of a struggle to go to bed every night. I'm always *so* wired from work and since Lindsey left… well everything's different. I have twice the workload for one, but it's more than that. There's no one to talk to. First of all Holland died… I miss him and then Lindsey went. It could be worse. He could be dead too I suppose.

So the almost sad, depressing ritual that is my life… that in which I'm taking part in right now. Staring at the TV. Late night (or is it early morning?) TV. It's so exciting *really. *

I'm kidding myself I'm getting on with my life. I'm into work that's all. Case after case, demon after vampire after demon. And I joined a gym. I go honestly I do… like once a month. It's a waste of time really, but it's like, 'Hey, I'm Lilah. I'm a member of a gym. I'm a lawyer, damn I'm better than that I'm the head of special projects. Witness my greatness.'

And how did I get to the head of special projects? Death. And destruction. Lindsey never knew it but I was the one who brought Drusilla in *I* was the one that found her, in Mexico or some other crazy place, *I* was the one who got her to bite Darla. And you know why? Not for Wolfram and Hart. For my jealousy and me. I saw her getting all up close and personal with Lindsey and that was it. I'd kidded myself for years that he was mine and mine only. And I was his. And then suddenly there was Darla. My world was upside down. Couldn't focus. Couldn't eat (how do you think I stay in such *great* shape?) Couldn't sleep. Cliched I know but it's true. Love hurts (no, no way love. Lust. Lust hurts.)

And I drove him away. After Darla left it was like he wasn't even there. Staring into space. And it was my entire fault. I tried to bring him back, even asking him if he wanted to come round for 'dinner' (notice the inverted commas I was *desperate* OK. If Chevy Chase had showed up on my doorstep I wouldn't have said no… *read the subtext*) He said no. Do you know how many men have ever, *ever* said no to me? I can count them on my right hand… But I didn't care. This was Lindsey you know? Lindsey…

He's been gone for three months now. 91 days (I'm counting.) 91 solid days. When he first left I pined for him like crazy. I would go home and cry (yes, me crying… feel free to laugh) because it hurts so much and I missed him so badly. I'd just pray he came home (preferably to my neighbourhood with no where to go) and take me in his arms and kiss me and then… well you know (Chevy Chase scenario in my head again.)

And it faded. Slowly, oh so slowly. To the dull ache. When I think about him my skin prickles all over. Tingles really badly.

I think about him every night. He knows my address (at least I hope to god he does), even my phone number. Obsession scale I know. I just wish he'd show…

And tonight is different. That tingling is replaced by an eerie sense of calm that came when Lindsey was around. Like he's around? Hmmm… kidding yourself Lilah, kidding yourself.

Two a.m. I guess I should get to bed. It's not that I'm tired (I know I know I'm an insomniac). Just as I get up to get a final glass of water (it flushes out the system) I hear a knock at the door.

'Who the hell's that?' I think, struggling to get up from the sofa. I contemplate that it might be my best friend, Claire. Claire's great. A fellow attorney she too knows the pressures of being in a high-class law firm with questionable ethics and no moral standing. I think she had *that* hot date tonight with Mark from contracts…

I open the door and it takes every bit of composure I have not to fling my arms around my visitor or burst into tears. It's *him*

"Hey," he says he looks so precious, "It's late I know. I wasn't sure if you were gonna be up…"

"Lindsey," very composed, very cool. That's great Lilah, but inside I feel like melting into a huge, emotional puddle. He holds a plastic carrier bag of what I'm guessing is Chinese and a bottle of cheap red wine in his hand.

"Can I…"

"Come in? Sure," he follows me into the kitchen and places the carrier bag and red wine onto the kitchen counter. It's *definitely* Chinese. I can smell it.

"I bought food," he says unnecessarily, I nod, "It's Chinese."

"Be still my heart," I say, I know it's stupid but you know… this is *Lindsey. *

H begins unloading the little tinfoil packages from the bag as I pretend to rummage for a corkscrew in the drawer just to kill a bit of uncomfortable silence time. I go to uncork the wine but he immediately intervenes. His hand brushes against mine as he takes the bottle from me. Electric.

"How are you anyway?" I say the thickness that comes with unshed tears rising up in chunks in my throat.

"I'm good," he tells me pulling the cork from the bottle.

"Where've you been?"

"Home. To Oklahoma… do you have any glasses for these?" I go to open the cupboard above his head and he steadies me slightly by my hips. Spontaneous combustion now an issue…

"Here," I say handing him two glasses. There's a really intense moment as his eyes meet mine. Crystal blue.

I *know* I'm going to regret this.

"I miss you," I whisper letting the tears glisten in my eyes.

"You too." He puts the glasses down on the counter. "We can hug now," he tells me. Tentatively at first we move towards each other before I fling my arms around his neck tears threatening so badly to spill over my eyes. He squeezes my waist.

"Lindsey," I say emotionally letting a single tear flow from my left eye.

"Lilah," he says pulling back looking into my eyes, "You hungry?"

"No,"

"How bout we just skip straight to dessert then?" Without another word he takes my hand in his and leads me upstairs to my room.

I don't know where tonight will lead, or what tomorrow holds. All I know is that Lindsey is mine and I am his. All of what I ever wanted it to be…

Nothing's noble about all of this, nothing's brilliant or special but all I know is that I will be forever his…