Cause and Effect (8/10)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- various for season 2, up to and including 'Dead End.'

Distribution- FF.net, AOH and Neurotica. Anyone else ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey

Rating- R

Summary- Lilah and Lindsey lose and possibly gain something important

Disclaimer- I am the kid, but it's Joss' candy store

Notes- Sequel to 'Owing.'

Neither of them made a move to turn the alarm off the next morning. Both were exhausted, from lack of sleep and they knew it should automatically stop blaring in three minutes.

Lindsey's head pounded, with self-loathing. Lilah had told him she loved him and he hadn't said it back, hadn't even replied. He'd listened to her crying all night and wanted desperately to comfort her -and for some reason he couldn't bring himself to.

Lilah's face felt as if it were on fire. When she touched it her skin was hot and swollen from tears. And yet Lindsey had made no move to console her or do any of the thousands of things he knew she found soothing.

Eventually the alarm silenced. Lilah closed her eyes willing the pain to stop. Some time later, Lindsey got up and headed toward the bathroom. On reaching the door, he paused and turned back to Lilah. He couldn't believe how shaken she looked, her skin blotchy, eyes bloodshot and dry. "I'll cancel the viewing." His voice came out unemotional and cold.

"No. I still want to see the house and at this rate we'll need two places, don't you think?" Her voice sounded throaty and parched. "I'll be back here by two. If you're not, fine."

Lindsey slammed the door shut behind him. Lilah, who thought she had no more tears left, buried her head under the covers.

*****

"Lindsey?" Lilah called through the apartment just before two. When she got no reply the last ounce of hope she'd been clinging to faded and the tears she'd kept at bay all morning spilled over her eyes. She stumbled for the sofa, hugging a pillow to her chest, sobbing so loudly she didn't hear the door open when Lindsey arrived.

"Lilah?" he asked, all the former malice and cold exempt from his voice. He was by her side embracing her tightly in an instant, rubbing her back soothingly. "I'm so sorry."

"Me too." Lilah sniffled, relaxing into his chest. And then eventually, "Lindsey…"

"You don't have to explain or say anything."

"No, I do. I really want kids with you, Lindsey. I guess I'm just running scared. I need a little more time to get my head around the idea."

"Join the club. I think it's perfectly normal to be scared."

"Believe me when I say I want a family with you."

"I do."

"You got so mad. I was terrified somehow I wasn't enough for you."

"That I didn't love you?"

"Yeah."

"Lilah," he slipped his hand into hers, "What do I have to do or say to convince you that I do?"

"I don't know."

"Is there anything?"

She shook her head and smiled weakly. "Come on. Let's go and buy this house."

*****

You could look at a burning building for a good solid half an hour and still be in total awe of it. You could become very detached from the scene. There was something enthralling that demanded you watch the orange sky and the toxic smoke rise in great plumes.

Lindsey and Lilah arrived home to find their building on fire. Luckily Wesley and Gunn had been tracking the orange slime demons less than a block away and had realised the fire trucks were heading towards Lilah and Lindsey's apartment. They stood by as the emergency services managed to salvage some clothes, personal papers and possessions, but most importantly managed to rescue Tigger.

Lilah was understandably stunned and upset though she didn't cry, only clinging to Lindsey in blind shock. Gunn was sure the orange slime demons were to blame for the fire.

"Better get you home," Gunn had said.

Lilah stared at him blankly. Her home had just been burnt to a crisp.

"We'll take you to the Hyperion," Wesley offered. "Angel will let you stay."

"How long until you can move into your fancy-ass new house anyway?" Gunn asked as they started for his truck, Lindsey's arm woven tightly around Lilah.

"Next week."

"Lucky."

"You can't buy memories," Lindsey said.

*****

Relocation was unsettling at the best of times, but this was relocation at the worst of times.

Lindsey was proud at the way the people he worked with had adjusted to playing host to him and Lilah. If anything they'd been kind rather than hostile as he would've expected. Cordy and Angel had gone upstairs to make one of the 'minimal mildew rooms' more hospitable while Gunn and Fred helped Lilah coax a terrified Tigger out of the downstairs bathroom. They'd tried everything from a tin of cat food Wesley purchased at the seven-eleven, to dishes of water and milk. Eventually, Lilah let the cat put its paws on her shoulder and carried it out, claws digging into her top and scratching the skin underneath.

Eventually, after Lindsey fielded calls from insurance companies, police, fire department and Wolfram and Hart, the room was ready.

Lilah had to hand it to them, they really had tried. The bed was made up, sheets placed as makeshift drapes over the window, the closet had been aired, and a tiny black and white TV found from somewhere.

The next hour passed in a blur with people coming and going, bringing messages, cups of coffee and clean towels. Eventually Lilah was left alone with the task of getting a still shocked Tigger to actually drink something. Having taken ten minutes to prise her from her shoulder, Lilah expected her chore to be tough. In an effort to feel less useless, Lilah dipped her finger into the dish of milk in front of her and tried to get the cat to lick it from her finger. The cat instantly began to hiss and back away. Lilah grabbed Tigger and a flurry of hisses and meows later Lilah's left hand was bitten and Tigger had made her getaway to the corner of the room.

"Fine! Don't drink, die! See what I care!" Lilah yelled as Lindsey entered the room holding a saucer of cream. He set it down in front of the still-hissing cat. He looked back at Lilah realising it wasn't the cat's health she was scared of, but she was using it as a distraction so she didn't have to focus on the disaster that surrounded them.

"Did she break the skin?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Tigger gets cream, what do I get?"

"A hug?" Lindsey embraced her tightly before drawing back, concerned. "Are you OK? You don't look so good."

"Well my beloved pet did just bite me. But I'm fine. Just combined shock with good old headache and nausea."

"Time of the month stuff?"

"Actually… I didn't get my period today."

"OK," Lindsey nodded calmly, "Do you want me to run out? Get you a test."

"They're only accurate when you're four days late."

Lindsey nodded again. "We should probably talk about what this might mean."

"Yeah."

Lilah crawled underneath the covers. Lindsey followed, trying to be supportive.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, brushing her hair away from her face.

"OK… I think. Tired and a little sick. Headachy." She managed a weak smile. "Lindsey… if I'm pregnant… on a scale of one to ten, how much would you want the baby?"

"Thirteen. What about you?"

"Two… three, maybe."

"I know you're scared. So am I. But there are so many reasons to have this child. We're married. We have a beautiful home to move into. It was planned. We both have stable jobs. It all makes sense."

"I'm not too sure this is the kind of world I want to bring a kid into."

"Why not?"

"Promise not to get mad."

"Why?"

"Promise."

Lindsey paused, confused. "I promise."

"Linwood offered me a million to have sex with him."

Lindsey sat bolt upright in disbelief, rage coursing through his veins. "I'm telling you this because I love you," Lilah continued, her hands on his shoulders. "I turned him down straight away. No amount of money in the world is worth losing you over. I couldn't bear the thought of anyone but you touching me. It makes me feel sick… more so."

"Did he touch you?"

"No, he didn't lay a finger on me." She rested her head on his back.

"And that's why you don't want this baby? Because of Linwood's comment?"

"There were a whole string of comments that left my already fragile confidence extremely knocked."

"So quit!" Lindsey finally exploded, unable to keep up his calm persona.

"I can't. It's where we get our money from."

Lindsey took a deep breath, trying to control his temper. "I can't stand the thought of him anywhere near you, what he must be thinking about you."

"Hey," Lilah crawled around Lindsey, cupping his face with her hands. "I'm yours. If you'll let me I'll prove it."

"I don't need proof." Lindsey told her, taking her hand in his. "I think I need some space to get my head around all this. It's a lot to take in."

"Yeah."

"I'm not abandoning you or anything. I'll stay if you want me to."

"No, it's OK." Lilah smiled. "I need some space too. To think about things."

"Sure." Lindsey reached forward to kiss her on the forehead and smiled when he saw Tigger polishing off her bowl of cream. "You want me to take her?"

"No, it's OK. She'll probably be over to offer 'sorry I bit you' licks in a minute."

"Lilah?"

"Yeah."

Thousands of words stuck in his throat as he embraced her tightly. Lilah found thousands clawing at her own insides.