Cause and Effect (1/10)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- various for season 2, up to and including 'Dead End.'

Distribution- FF.net, AOH and Neurotica. Anyone else ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey, Lindsey/Darla allusions.

Rating- R

Summary- sometimes commitment is the last thing you need, and the first thing you want

Disclaimer- I am the kid, but it's Joss' candy store

Notes- Sequel to 'Owing.'

"You're leaving me."

"For the last time Lilah; I'm not leaving you, I'm leaving LA."

Lindsey was stood at the door, suitcase packed, ready to leave the apartment he and Lilah had been sharing for over a year. The firm had put them in direct competition with each other for Holland's job following his death. Eventually they'd chosen Lindsey, and in a blind moment of panic he'd chosen to leave, sacrificing his job and life for Lilah. This time the firm had been less lenient and Lindsey truly feared for both of their lives.

"Then let me come with you," Lilah said from the sofa, nearing hysteria, a half-finished box of tissues in her lap.

"We've been over this. Over and over again for the past two hours. I go now, you know where the motel is; follow in twelve hours, but just for the weekend."

"I won't be able to sleep without you."

"Me either." He smiled softly, sadly.

"Then stay."

"I'm not worried for me. I can't stay and risk you."

"When will you be back?"

"I don't know."

"Will you ever be back?"

He paused, lips parting, his heart breaking a little as he looked across the room into her eyes. "I don't know."

"Lindsey, look-" She reached down to her feet, where their new six- week- old ginger and white kitten was curled up over her shoes. The cat meowed in protest and swiped playfully at her nose. "Look at what you're leaving behind. You were the one who wanted her; you were the one who talked me into getting a cat. We only got her last week. She's doesn't even have a name yet. Besides, I don't know how to take care of her."

"Sure you do. You're just panicking right now, you're being irrational."

"Oh, I'm the irrational one?" Her eyes sparkled with malice. "Refresh my memory. Was I the one that kissed Darla? Was I the one who hit you?"

"Stop it."

"I've been through hell this year for you. Work is a nightmare; my salary's been cut in half. And now you're leaving me!"

"I'm *not* leaving you. You're following in twelve hours. We'll be together on the weekends."

"No." She stood up to face him. "I've never asked you to do anything for me."

"I know."

"I've given everything and taken nothing. If you leave, don't think about coming back."

"Lilah-"

"No. That's your choice." She threw him the box of tissues. "If you have any feelings left towards me, towards us, you'll need some of these. I know I will." She calmly turned and walked up the stairs to the bedroom, which suddenly looked as lonely as her life would be without Lindsey.

Minutes later she heard the front door slam.

*****

The bar on the outskirts of LA was dark and dingy. But Lindsey, crammed into a corner booth, concluded to himself he didn't deserve any better. This was the first time in the whole of the past week he'd allowed himself to really stop and think about the situation and the more he thought about it, the more confused he became. Everything that had seemed so clear back in the apartment was suddenly fuzzy and incomprehensible. Why had Lilah reacted the way she did to him leaving? It wasn't as if they'd be apart forever, it was just his temporary solution until it was safer. Instead of seeing the logic to his resolution--

Lindsey felt pain knife him in the heart as he thought about the look on Lilah's face when he told her he was leaving. Knowing every tear that fell was for him was too much for him to bear. He knew in his heart he couldn't leave- despite the consequences.

*****

Lilah lay face down on her bed, shaking with anger. Everything in the room reminded her of Lindsey. The covers, still smelling of him. The shirt he'd worn the previous day, slung casually over the back of a chair, caught her eye. She thought he'd packed everything, erased all trace of himself from her life. On impulse she got up, and simply toyed with the material for a moment before picking it up and holding it to her face to inhale the scent, fresh tears springing to her eyes. Angrily, she wiped them away, threw the shirt into the corner, left the room and raced down the stairs, desperate to be free of the memories. Why had he left her? Had the last year really meant nothing to him, even after everything they'd shared, after everything they'd told each other?

On reaching her den, she noticed the kitten, staring blankly at the doorway that Lindsey had walked through an hour earlier.

"For God's sake, he's not coming back." she told the cat.

Only silence answered her.

*****

Hours later, Lindsey stood in the bedroom doorway holding the kitten. "Someone here wants to see you," he said, his voice filled with hesitation. He set the kitten down on the floor, and she ran and jumped on the bed. Lilah was lying on top of the covers. Her face was frozen and tears blurred her vision, yet refused to snake down her cheeks. "Can I come home?"

Lilah raised her head slightly to look at him, her eyes inert. "Why?"

"Because I want to…" He paused. "Because I love you."

"You haven't told me in six months. Why tell me now? Because you have no place else to go?"

"No." He came over to sit on the edge of the bed, looking down at her. She avoided his eyes. "When things are good between us, they're great, aren't they?"

"And when they're bad, it's hell. I can't do that anymore."

"Lilah, please, come on." He took her rigid and dispassionate body in his arms. "I'm willing to risk everything to stay. And I'm staying for you, there's no other reason to."

She looked up at him, her eyes raw and vulnerable. He watched her angry persona crumble away as she broke down and clung to him fiercely, sobbing.

He was shocked, having never really seen her cry before. All he could do was feel useless, rub her back to try and ease her sobs, and murmur comforting words. She clung to his shirt, the material balling in her hands, half-clutching at him, half trying to scratch his chest.

"Lilah." He drew out of her grasp, disappearing momentarily into the bathroom and returning with a glass of water. "Here. Drink this."

"I don't want to." she replied, through gritted teeth.

"Li, please. You'll feel better."

"I hate when you call me that." She snatched the glass from him, promptly throwing the contents into his face, before moving to the other side of the bed, curling up in a ball.

Lindsey calmly removed his shirt and dried his face, discarding it before following her.

"Tell me what's wrong."

She turned over, sobbing for a moment, not touching him. He inched closer. "You were leaving me, Lindsey. Dress it up as much as you like, but you were. I thought I'd lost you. That's what's wrong."

"All this is for me?" he asked, gesturing to her tear-streaked face.

She nodded.

"You scared me so much," he continued. "I thought- I don't know what I thought. You were ill, or someone had died or something. I can't believe you're in this much of a state over me."

"Believe it." She sounded calmer now but was shivering against his chest. "I don't exactly know how I'm going to cope without you at work."

"You will. You just have to be strong. Can you do that?"

"If I know you're at home."

He smiled. "Good."

Beside Lilah, the kitten stirred, purring gently, jumping onto her stomach. Lindsey smiled, and tickled the cat under its chin.

"Doesn't that hurt?" he asked.

"No. She doesn't know how to use her claws properly yet."

"We really have to name her."

"What do you want to call her?"

"Is Ginger too cliché?"

"Seems kinda obvious. How about Tigger?"

Lindsey grinned down at Lilah playfully. "Oooohhh… Lilah watches Disney films!"

"I do not! It's just- who doesn't know Tigger?"

"Looks like we've got ourselves a Tigger then." Lindsey picked the cat up and set her on the floor.

"What did you do that for?"

"I kinda wanted you to myself." He playfully traced a finger from her stomach, up to her neck.
"I kinda like that idea."

Lindsey smiled, his hands on her thighs, but she drew back and said, "Wait."

"I'm sorry." He stroked her hair. "Too much?"

"I just…" She hitched herself up so she was sitting again. "I think maybe, considering the last week, we need to re-evaluate some things."

He nodded. "OK."

"Do you think we're too physical?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, we have sex a lot, and quite honestly, in the last month it's been a little- animalistic. Not a lot of love conveyed."

"I had no idea you felt that way," he told her, gently caressing her face, "How do you want to resolve it?"

She shrugged. "How do you? We're supposed to be a partnership."

"Well, sometimes I don't want sex. So I guess we could tell each other, when we don't."

"And when we do have sex, just be gentle with each other? Like in the beginning… Really take our time." She leaned forward, smiling, to kiss him once on the lips. "And if we're going to make this work I want you to promise me a few things- and if you want, vice versa."

"OK." He cupped her face with his hands, "Ask away."

"I want you to promise me you'll be faithful. And to kiss me, in that way I like, at least once a day. And to support me. To make me feel secure."

"Done."

"Your turn," she said, giving him a nervous smile.

"There's only one- that you trust me. Just a little."

"OK." She nodded. "I'll try."

"I'd really like to think you trust me. I'd like to attempt to help you to."

She nodded again, leaning forward to hug him.