Arrangements (1/1)

Author- Midnight Faith

Spoilers- Minor for 'Habeas Corpses.'

Distribution- FF.net, AOH and Neurotica. Anyone else ask :)

Pairing- Lilah/Lindsey

Rating- R

Summary- Somethings you get things you can talk about. Others you just can't.

Disclaimer- I am the kid, but it's Joss' candy store

Notes- To all my LILAC-ers again :)

Lindsey never thinks of them as 'living together.' Not even 'living in the same house.' He never talks to any of his clients about Lilah anyway so there's no need to define their living arrangement.

It all happened very naturally. Lindsey yanked Lilah from the sewer and they'd just run. For the first few nights they slept in the stolen rental car. By some miracle they stumble across an abandoned, isolated log cabin. Technically they're squatters but Lindsey hates that word and refers to them as 'tenants sans rent.'

In the first month they muddle through. Lindsey fixes up the house so they have heating, hot water, indoor plumbing and electricity. Lilah drives into the nearest town to buy second hand furniture and cheap paint.

One day, Lindsey returns from a meeting with a client, (they're both freelancing escrows now,) with a tiny, three week old puppy someone found in a shoebox. It's a mongrel, though clearly heavy on the Jack Russell. Lilah goes mental, screams, shouts and refuses to help feed the puppy its formula milk. Lindsey comes to bed to find the puppy dozing on her pillow. To this day the dog's basket is still on her side of the room and expresses a marked preference for Lilah.

Lindsey doesn't quite know why they're still sharing the same bed. In the beginning there was only one mattress so it was understandable. Now they could easily have separate rooms.

He doesn't remember the first time they had sex either. All he knows is it was a combination of scotch and cocaine and he woke up still inside of her.

Now they do it when they're lonely, high, drunk or they need release. It's convenient, fun, a sure-fire dopamine hit. They're frequently not careful, only using condoms when Lilah's sober enough to ask him to, or feeling bitchy enough to make him.

They go grocery shopping once a week. They drive to the store together, pick up separate baskets and get their own food. Lindsey is never allowed to look into Lilah's basket. One day he finds out why, when by sheer co-incidence they check out together and he spies a pregnancy test among her purchases.

Fear runs cold in his blood; a thickness rises in his throat. He knows she saw him looking and suddenly the hellish, moody, sex- free week makes perfect sense to him.

They don't talk on the way home. Lindsey feels sick with fear, kicking himself for not being more careful. He looks at Lilah and judging by the expression on her face, he thinks she'll keep it. He's not exactly sure how this will work. Will the baby be his, or hers, or will they share the responsibility? And does this mean his relationship with Lilah will change? Will he have to be more loving, more attentive or will the feelings only extend as far as this child and no further? It's not ideal. He doesn't love Lilah. But already he loves this baby and strangely that's enough for him.

The moment they get home Lilah locks herself in the bathroom. Lindsey lurks outside, listening through the door. A gasp and a muffled sob give away that she is pregnant. Lindsey feels the need to double check.

He waits until she collects herself and leaves, and then he looks into the bathroom trash. An unmistakable plus sign glares right back at him. Lilah is having his child and the rush of emotions is indescribable.

He hears her on the phone downstairs, waits until she hangs up and re-dials the number. She's just called an abortion clinic in Denver. Something punches him hard in the stomach. There is no baby, or there won't be soon. Despite his anger he knows it's for the best and because of who they are this can never work out for them.

Lindsey doesn't talk to Lilah about it. The sound of her hurling wakes him the next morning after a restless night. He hates her; he hates himself, he even hates this little cluster of cells that's evoking these feelings. Lilah sits on the edge of the bed looking pale and ill and asks him to drive her to Denver. He nods numbly.

They drive in silence. She only speaks to direct him to the cash machine. He watches her get $500 out through the pouring rain. She's soaked when she returns to the car. She directs him to the clinic, quietly tells him to wait for an hour and leaves.

He's drenched in seconds when he escapes from the car and barely notices his own tears mixing with the rain. He transfers $700 from his bank account to hers before making his way back to the hospital. He lingers in the waiting room until a nurse takes him to see Lilah.

He's completely taken aback. When they fuck, her body seems so substantial, like it goes on forever. But now she's lying in the bed looking small and unwell, her face so ashen it's the same colour as the white pillow. He just looks at her. She stares right back.

They stay that way for what seems like hours. Eventually a nurse appears and asks Lindsey if he thinks he'll be able to look after Lilah at home. He leaves with the nurse while Lilah dresses. Lindsey's told she'll need drugs and is handed relaxants and painkillers. He's also advised to give her soup, warm tea and lots of rest.

Lilah follows him back to the car. He finds a blanket in the trunk and wraps her up in it. Again, they don't talk.

As soon as they get home Lilah goes to bed. Lindsey collects himself before following her. She's curled up in pain, lying on the duvet. He helps her into his most comfortable, warmest pyjamas and tucks her in under the covers. It's the first time they've touched all day and suddenly they can't get close enough. They hold each other and time stands still.

Eventually, it appears Lilah is asleep, sobbing occasionally. He wishes he knew if her pain is physical or psychological.

He gets up and fixes her a hot water bottle, minestrone and a cup of tea. She eats and manages to keep it down. He lies beside her, holding her until she falls asleep again.

He wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. She's not beside him; he can hear her in the bathroom crying. He wants to go to her but can't find the strength to move. Eventually the trash can lid closes and she comes back to bed, cuddling up against his back.

He goes to the bathroom and searches through the trash. There he finds a sonogram picture of their child. Their cluster of cells turns out to have a head, a heart, two arms, and two legs. He thinks instinctively it was a boy.

Lilah, from the doorway tells him she never meant him to see that. She takes the picture from him, tears it up, crawls into his arms and just talks. Wolfram and Hart, this baby, her childhood, the way she feels about him all feature heavily. They agree to give things a second shot, a real shot this time around. They skirt around the topic of the baby, but both cautiously admit they wanted it, though Lilah panicked and Lindsey should've been more supportive. They both agree it was for the best and somehow end up whispering, "I love you," one after the other.

He gets in the shower when it gets light. She goes to get dressed. He expects to find his girlfriend, (because now in his head their relationship in defined,) in bed with the newspapers. Instead he finds Lilah, curls, Versace and red lip liner. He realises she just needed him to get through the night and vice versa. They'll never speak of their baby again. She snipes and bitches about a clanking sound the boiler is making before going down on him.

He realises she can't and won't ever change. He's not objecting. As long as she's giving head like this, no matter who gets hurt, he likes her.