The General Warfare Of Emotions

by Linc

The Challenge = Lover Boys (I think...)

Warning, genre, rating = PG13-R, angsty, swearing

Disclaimer = I own a pair of nice yellow Converse sneakers, but--alas--not Rurouni Kenshin.

Summary = Lifetimes are full of love, pain, friendship, joy, and adventure. (But mostly pain.)

Any note if you want to say something = Hi!

To love someone without conviction is the most dangerous thing in the entire world.

To admit those feelings is to give someone your heart. Once they have it, what will they do with it?

Treasure it?

Lock it away?

Crush it?

You can never succeed in taking it back from them. If you truly love someone with all of your heart, then it isn't even your heart any more. They have it, and what they choose to do with it is up to them, whether they realize they have it or not.

That's an even more dangerous scenario-when they don't realize what they have.

What is it about the New Year that makes people fearless? If you think about it, January first is still just another day. The last time I checked, the sun still set, the moon still rose, and the hours were counted to be twenty-four.

That's your birthday, isn't it? You're a stubborn bastard for someone born on the day that is the essence of rebirth. Even when you cast aside your rags of blue and white for an adventure in mediocrity, you were truly a wolf in sheepskin.

Was I drunk that day? Was it a lingering effect from Kaoru's party the night before? Was I angry because when the clock chimed midnight I had no one to kiss?

It wasn't that nobody wanted to lock lips with me-hell, at least four random girls made eyes at me. But for some reason I had it in me to act like a spoiled brat and ignored the seductresses. I wanted to throw up every time I thought about kissing someone that didn't have eyes the color of malice and the smirk of a wolf.

But then again, I hadn't tasted your lips before that.

That didn't stop me from considering them the manna of my life.

"I'm in love with you."

"...Ahou, get out of my office if you're going to act like an idiot."

Sano held his ground. "I'm serious."

Saitou glanced up from the papers on his desk to the young man standing in the doorway. His amber eyes flashed, then narrowed. Had that been surprise or disgust?

"So am I."

That could have gone better, Sanosuke thought dryly, sliding his door open. The young man kicked off his muddied shoes, ready to retire after a day of bashed hopes and binge drinking.

When did it start? That doesn't even matter. I love him now-that's what matters.

A white and red object lying in the corner of his shack caught Sano's eye. A pack of cigarettes... When did...? His mind drifted back to a day two weeks ago when a snowstorm had rocked Tokyo. The next day he'd slept in as usual, but awoke to a snowball in the kisser.

Saitou came to question me... About some prostitutes who had been hanging around last month. Sanosuke smiled fondly at the memory, picking up the virgin pack of cigarettes. He looked cold, so I invited him in for some tea and shit... Damn. He must have left these here.

That was a good day...

"Happy birthday, Sano!" Kenshin called out again, standing on the dojo's porch with Kaoru and Yahiko beside him.

"Thanks again, guys," the brunette grinned, fish bone jutting from his teeth. There hadn't been any presents, but that was ok. The huge meal cooked by Kenshin-thank God-was more than enough. Hell, he probably wouldn't have to eat for a week after that feast.

Yet the redhead's eyes narrowed a bit, and the two Kamiya Kasshin users bristled. Indeed, the hairs on the back of Sano's neck stood up as well. He turned towards the gate and found out why.

There was Saitou, standing in the gateway, cigarette in his hand like a sixth finger. "Ahou," he smirked.

Sanosuke's breathing stopped. He had not seen a trace of Saitou since-

Since that day...

"Battousai." The officer nodded his 'hello' to the man on the porch.

"Hello, Saitou. What brings you to the dojo?" Kenshin's polite tone seemed a little forced to Sanosuke. Then again, he could have been imagining it. He was rigid with shock and chill after all, his world becoming only the man in front of him.

Saitou perhaps did not share the feeling. He walked past Sano's still figure, regarding Kenshin only. "I'm leaving this city in your care, Battousai."

"Oh really?"

"Yes. Tokio is waiting for me; I shall be moving back to Kyoto in two days."

You left the dojo as quickly as you came; fucking prick. When I finally found my spine and will to breathe, your words killing me like they had over a month ago, I ran.

I ran after you.

I caught up to you, and we acted as if it never happened. We acted as if I didn't love you, and you didn't know. Insults, cussing, a smack over the head... Then I asked you if you had any work left to do in the station. You said no; it's all been taken care of. Then I asked you if you wanted to go get some sake.

Why did you agree?

Why in God's name did you agree?

You should have known better. You should have known I was a stupid kid who had barely turned twenty but a few hours ago. You should have known I had a dumb crush on you-you did know, bastard!

You should have known you'd break my heart again-fucking crush it.

Why did you drink that knight? You're the most calculating, anal, punctual man I've ever met. You know when you've had enough. You know when to stop the flow of sake to your cup.

I don't want to take any of the blame, but I know it's partially mine. When your hand slid up my thigh, that should have set off an alarm inside my head. Instead, I couldn't get past the warmth it shot to my heart-and dick, obviously.

I'll always consider this your birthday present to me, christening me out of my youth.

The next day I was achy all over, though I didn't drink that much last night. But I was warm in my little house and bed for once, because you were lying on top of me.

That was it; the deal was sealed. You'd tear up those transfer forms, profess your love for me, and we'd live in your house together forever and ever and ever and...

...ever... and...

and... And ever...

ever...

You woke up and said, "Oh God... What have I done?"

You sure know how to ruin a moment, don't you?

That was the last I saw of you for some time-you'd run to Kyoto the next day. The last I saw of your stupid ass, rolling out of bed and putting on your clothes, all the while staring at me like I was some leper.

'What the hell's your malfunction?' I asked, temper and tremor in my voice.

You looked at me stern and scolding, stepping into your shoes. 'I'm married-I have a wife. I love her very much.'

And then you left.

If I could have seen the look on my face, I'm sure I would have fought the urge to punch the hell out of it until it was nothing more than blood and bone.

Why couldn't you have just let that spark die inside of me while it was  nothing more? Spared me some of that pain and despair? It could have died then, with you moving to Kyoto while it was still just a crush.

But no, that one night, when you decided to let yourself go... I had a taste of Mibu's Wolf, and I wanted more.

There was something carnal and craving inside of me, as I tasted the sake inside my mouth. I wanted you so bad that it hurt. But then it occurred to me that you were the one who had put that pain in my heart.

You hurt me...

Sanosuke licked his lips, the officer's taste lingering. His mouth hadn't tasted like alcohol until after Saitou kissed him. Sano had to get that essence out of his mouth, the pack of unopened cigarettes looking enticing as it lay in the corner, untouched.

The brunette snatched it, grabbing a match pack that was usually used to light a lantern. He tore away the package's top, taking out one long, white cylinder. Putting it in his lips, he struck the match and lit it, coughing as his virgin lungs got their first taste of the death-smoke.

Sanosuke found that after a few short drags, he could inhale it more freely.

That pain...

I didn't ever want to feel like I did that day.

Two years went by, and I almost forgot about you. The wound began to heal-the bandage of distance helping a great deal. But it couldn't last.

God, it never lasts.

"Sano, can you run down to the alchemist's and get some more turpentine?"

"Sure, Katsu." The brunette set down the stack of canvases he had been moving from the back of the artist's shop. "He still runnin' a tab for you?"

"Yeah," Katsu replied as Sano walked out the door. "Just tell him who it's for."

"Aa." Sano stepped into the sunlight, the marketplace's bustle a familiar rhapsody. There were stalls set up in between the permanent buildings; Katsu had been fortunate to make enough money selling his art to move into one. That was a little over a year ago, and he invited Sanosuke to help out.

I wonder if Katsu will let me get off tomorrow night... It isn't usually too busy on Mondays anyway. Maybe we can go get some sake or-

"Saaaaano!"

Sanosuke turned at the sweet young voice, a smile already on his face. "Heya, Tomoyo."

The young woman giggled at him, fiddling with the end of her short braid. "Hello, Sano. Where are you heading to?"

"Over to your dad's shop actually." Sano paused in his stride to let the green-eyed girl catch up to him. "Katsu wants me to pick up some stuff."

"Oh? Let's walk together," Tomoyo said, hooking her arm around Sanosuke's. "I was just heading that way too."

"Aa. Is that a new kimono?"

"Mmhmm. Mother got it for my birthday last week. I'm not very partial to blue, but this may be an exception."

"Birthday, eh? I didn't know yours was in April. I'll have to get you something late."

The young woman chuckled as they walked past a few more stands, other customers crowding the narrow marketplace. "You don't have to, Sano."

"Nah, I'll feel bad if I-oof!" Sanosuke halted in his pace as a little girl ran right into his shins. The pint-sized child fell backwards, her red kimono flapping all around ungracefully.

"Oh my," Tomoryo gasped.

"Jeez, you ok?" Sano's brow furrowed and he released Tomoyo's arm, bending down to the child sitting in the dirt. Tears gathered at the edged of her eyes as he helped her to her feat. "Does it hurt anywhere? That was a nasty fall you took."

"Chiharu!"

Sanosuke looked up, a woman in a kimono similar to the child's hurrying over to the scene. Her hair was very long, though tied back in a ponytail, save the bangs hanging free to her shoulders. The woman's brown eyes were ridden with worry as she checked Chiharu over for injuries.

"Chiharu, how many times have I told you not to run off ahead?" she sighed. "I'm very sorry, sir. My daughter hasn't quite learned all of her manners yet."

"Nah, let her run free before she has to hide behind a teapot and a fan," Sanosuke chuckled, assuring the woman no harm was done. "I should have been watching my steps anyway."

"Teapot and fan?" Tomoyo frowned.

Sanosuke shrugged at his counterpart.

"Well, I still must apologize." She lifted the quiet girl up, deciding to carry Chiharu and save further accidents.

"No problem," the brunette grinned. "Take care now." Sano motioned to Tomoyo to continue on to the shop, but a voice stopped him cold.

"Tokio, what's Chiharu gotten into?"

The woman turned around to the tall man, smiling at seeing her companion. "Nothing serious, Hajime. She just ran into this nice man, no harm done."

"It's all water under the bridge, really," Tomoyo assured the newcomer.

Sano felt something inside of him crack.

Saitou stared at the roosterhead, a smirk on his face. "Aa. This is no 'nice man', Tokio, I assure."

The wife blinked. "Oh, do you know him, Hajime?"

"I used to," the officer answered. Actually, he couldn't be called that really. Saitou wasn't in his uniform.

"Well, perhaps you can invite him over for dinner some time." Tokio turned to Sano, not taking offence at the way he was staring at Hajime like he was a ghost. Many people did that anyway, she was used to it. "I'm sorry we're in such a hurry though. We're going to get our picture taken today."

Chiharu sucked her thumb. "Picture!"

"Oh," Sano said, still not looking away from the wolf.

Hajime was silent, returning the stare.

Tomoyo cleared her throat. "Perhaps I could show you to the photographers, Miss. I'm sure Sanosuke and your husband have some things to catch up on..."

Noticing the intensity of the stare, Tokio decided to accept the girl's offer. "I suppose you're right. Hajime, you can follow us later. You know Tokyo better than I do."

The man didn't answer his wife as she walked away, following the alchemist's daughter through the crowd.

Pain... Pain... I haven't thought about you in two years. I was getting over you.

I WAS GETTING OVER YOU!

God fucking damn you...Damn you, Saitou.

"She seemed nice," Saitou finally said, breaking the silence.

"Who?" Sano muttered, his hands clenching into fists.

"The girl in the blue kimono."

Oh, Tomoyo. "She is."

They were silent again. Venders ignored the two men standing in the middle of the street, staring at each other. There was something between them, some air of... Of uncertainty.

"Well." Saitou finally broke the silence, looking away from the pair of chocolate eyes. "Perhaps we'll meet again." The man stepped around Sano, heading off in the direction his wife had gone.

Sano's fist clenched even harder, blood forming in the little crescents in his palm.

Bastard, bastard, bastard, you're a mother-fucking bast-

"Sanosuke." A warm hand touched the young man's shoulder.

God I love you, mother-fucking bastard...

"I'm glad to see you've moved on."

Sano shut his door behind him, blocking the starlight from his room. He stepped out of his shoes, tossing his old gi to the side. The moon's light could still get through the ricepaper, and cast odd shadows on the room's angles.

The young man leaned his back against the cool wall.

"I'm glad to see you've moved on."

His eyes stung.

I have moved on. Haven't I?

He slid down to the floor, his bare feet scraping against the wood.

I didn't think about him for two whole years-that has to count for something.

He hit the floor, his back still against the hard wall.

Two whole years... And yet I haven't been able to get his face out of my head in the last two days.

His brown eyes found a pack of cigarettes in the corner of the room, a layer of dust covering the package.

That was his wife... His daughter...

Untouched and forgotten for two years.

He's back in Tokyo.

Not so much looked at; wholly ignored.

He's... He's going to stay here...

"And every day there's a chance I might see him on the street, in a restaurant, outside a store... And it's going to hurt so damn much."

Sano's eyes still stung.

Kenshin balked at what he saw.

Sano's shack was in a shamble-moreso than usual.

Everything of value was gone, and that which was not taken was destroyed.

Holes were punched in the walls, blood decorated the floor, wooden beams hung limp from the ceiling, and the door was in several pieces in a neighbor's yard... It was a disaster.

"What could have happened here?" Kenshin mumbled.

Every New Year is like a plague.

While it should be like a time of rebirth and looking forward to the future, all I can do is reminisce upon the past.

Every March fist I wake up early and walk to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes. The clerk thinks I'm crazy; I smoke one and throw the rest away.

Leap years are especially hard. I have one whole day to think about the past before I can walk to the store and forget all over again.

I love you, really, I do.

"Daddy, this letter's for you," the little boy called out, running to his father on the porch. "It looks like it's from Uncle Katsu."

"Is that right?" The man pat his child on the head, taking the offered paper. "So it is..."

"Do you think he sent you something for your birthday?"

"It's a little thin to have a present hidden in it," Sanosuke chuckled, tearing the seal. "Maybe it's Katsu who sent the warm weather, ne?"

"I wish he coulda come down from Tokyo to visit us and Momma," the child pouted, sitting down beside his father.

"Aizu's a ways from his home, Sozou," Sanosuke explained, reading the letter.

Little Sozou shrugged, swinging his feet as they dangled off the porch. Maybe after lunch he would go play with the other boys up the road. It was an unusually warm February that year. He liked to think Buddha had given his father the pleasant weather as a birthday gift. Normally it was all snowy and such, something he and his father both disliked.

Sozou looked up again, starting at his father's expression. The man had finished reading the letter and had set it aside. Now he had a very sad frown, staring down at the ground.

"Tell your mother," Sano began, "I'm going out for a walk."

Sozou hopped off the porch, trailing his father like a puppy. "Can I come too?"

The older man stopped, turning to his offspring. For a moment, he looked as if he was about to refuse. But then Sanosuke caught himself, thinking it over for a second. He regarded his son carefully.

"Sure."

Sozou climbed the miniscule hill after his father, stepping around big gray stones and sculptures. Their walk had lasted for days and days. Sozou had seen many things he never thought he would. The American Embassy, the shrines, the huge black boats from Germany and other fantastical places...

It had been fun.

But now he was ready to go home.

His father had ceased walking, coming to end their journey at a polished gray tablet sticking out of the grass. There was a name on it, just like all the others had names of their own. Sozou squinted, trying to make it out, remembering the lessons his mother had given him.

"Are we there finally?"

"Hush," Sano whispered, staring down at the tablet. "Can you read it, Sozou?"

"Sa... Saitou... H... Haji... me?"

"Good job."

They were quiet then, Sozou looking down at this thing he did not understand. Beside him, Sano took out a package of red and white and out of that a long white cylinder. The man reached over to a freshly burning candle and lit it, taking a drag.

Sozou balked at his father as he smoked the cigarette. Time after time Sano had berated his son on what a filthy habit tobacco was; it was almost a tangent, really.

"You know," Sano said, taking notice of his boy's shock, "when I was your age, I was tossed into a river by the man whom you're named for."

"Really?"

Sanosuke nodded. "Yep. I had to swim my ass outta there, climb up a riverbank, make my way through some Hell forest, and finally get to town where I saw the most heinous thing ever committed..." Sano took another drag. "Yeah, you'll be fine," he whispered.

Sozou didn't know what to say in reply.

There was a long stretch of silence, the cigarette finally burning down to its bitter end. Sano flicked it away, putting the package on top of the grave. The package was heavy enough to stay in the breeze; only two cigarettes had ever been removed.

He tossed his son the small bag with all of their money in it, kneeling down to look Sozou in the eye. "You remember the road we took to get here?"

Sozou nodded, clutching the purse.

"Good boy," the brunette mumbled, reaching to untie the red knot in his hair. He slid the headband free from his head, folding it neatly and placing it into Sozou's hands.

Worry began to creep across the child's face. "Dad?"

"You'll be fine," Sano repeated, kissing his son's brown locks. "You've got your mother's brain inside my thick skull-nothing can ever stop ya."

Sozou watched his father stand, turning to face the east and the rising sun, not turning as he spoke.

"Tell your mother I'm sorry I lied to her all these years."

She watched her son trot up the road to their house that had been missing two occupants as of late. Sozou had a bandana tied around his head, a purse clutched in his small hands.

The woman sighed as the wind tussled with her long black hair.

Perhaps I should have stayed and worked late tonight...

"Mom!" the young boy called out. "Is dinner ready?"

"Yes, it is," she answered, pursing her painted lips as the child came closer and closer. As a matter of fact, she had made dinner for more than just herself this night. It was just a feeling that for the first time in weeks she wouldn't be eating alone.

However, she had only set out two plates.

That was also just a feeling...

Sano watched the water dance under the bridge, a glassy trickle flowing out to sea. He smiled sadly to himself, the sun casting shades of yellow upon the icy liquid.

So I didn't think about you for twenty years this time... How's that? But now I haven't been able to go the last twenty hours without playing over every minute that I'd ever spent near you.

Did you know you would crush me like this? Did you know you'd cause so much pain in my life, so many sleepless nights, so many times I had to make sure I would call out the right name in my passion? Did you know how much I'd hurt when it was all over?

But that's ok.

I always knew it would end this way.

You gave me the strangest presents.

Sanosuke let out a sigh, wondering what he should do next.

Back to Lovey-Doveys page | Mail Linc