January 3, 1994: Moved to our new home in West Virginia. Beautiful development with lots of trees and a great view! Moved up from the South. Can't wait to see some snow.

January 10, 1994: Snowed last night! What a beautiful setting. Shoveled the driveway open. Kids love it here. What a terrific state to live in. Snow plow came by. Had to shovel out.

January 13, 1994: More snow. Kids are off school. Shoveled the driveway to get to work. Interstate 81 blocked with jerks who don't know how to drive. Got home to find the snow plow came by and blocked my driveway. Had to shovel to get car in. He's starting to tick me off!

January 14, 1994: More of the white crap fell again last night! Kids still off. Just got finished shoveling out the driveway again and that dang plow came by and closed it up again. Gave the driver the a piece of my mind. He blinked his lights and ran over my mailbox. The creep !!!

January 17, 1994: Snow falling and a foot more is predicted. Kids off again. Left car out along the curb so I didn't have to shovel the driveway out again. The so-n-so in the plow came by and buried the car. I was about to report it stolen when I noticed the antenna sticking out of a mountain of snow.

January 18, 1994: Snow stopped. Hurray! Kids still off. Wife on tranquilizers for her nerves. Kids acting like a tribe of Apaches. It's getting cold!

January 19, 1994: Temperature is 15 below with windchills of 40 below. Kids off again. Wife spending most of her time dressing and undressing the little ones, while acting the part of a referee. My back hurts, my hinder is dragging and I haven't gotten any mail since that darn plow driver knocked over the mailbox.

January 20, 1994: Car is frozen solid in a huge ice ball. Kids still home from school. Wife aging rapidly. Nagging me to shovel car out so she can get kids out of the house for awhile. I told her I'm getting polio and she'll have to wait until Spring. She didn't buy that one, so I went out to start the car. Just when I finished, I saw the darn plow coming again! I ran in the house and got my gun. I shot out his front tire, he lost control and ran over my car.

January 21, 1994: More snow predicted!!! I called the office and asked for a transfer to Mexico!!

THE POLICEMAN

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

"FINNICKY GUY"

The solemn-faced man entered the diner and took the lunch counter stool next to mine. The smiling waiter greeted the new customer and asked if he'd like the daily special. "What is it?" queried the unsmiling newcomer. "Beef tongue sandwich," the waiter replied, still smiling. With the most disgusted expression on his face imaginable, the man growled, "I wouldn't THINK of eating something that came out of an animal's mouth!!" "Yes, sir," the undaunted waiter said; "Would you like a menu, then?" To which the finicky guy responded, "Oh, no-- just give me a fried egg sandwich...

"Don't Ask If You Don't Want to Know!"

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness--a grandmotherly, elderly woman--in a trial to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

"A Dieters Christmas"

Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess

My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly I spoke not a work but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night in the morning I'll starve..'till I take that first bite!

"POP GOES THE TURKEY"

The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom, then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor, there was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance, It smeared every saucer and bowl, there wasn't a way I could stop it, that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped, that I'd never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

"PRETENDING"

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married. "The nun said, "That's fine by me. "To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

"OH NO !"

WIFE: "There's a problem with the car. It has water in the carbeurator."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carbeurator? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carbeurator."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carbeurator is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

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