A compendium of interesting quotes we've found, which, when taken out of
context, seem to be, well, out of context... you know? In any case, we value
your opinions and submissions. Please sign the guest book when you get to
the bottom, and if you know a good quote, please share it with us and be sure to include the source!
I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself.
...Marlene Dietriech
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But, I repeat myself.
...Mark Twain: Manuscript note, c.1882.
I have a seashell collection. I keep it on the beach.
...Stephen Wright
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."...Mariah Carey.
All truth is simple. Is that not doubly a lie?
...Friedrich Nietzsche
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make,
who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
...Stephen Levine
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia!"
...Charles Schultz
What's another word for Thesaurus?
...Steven Wright
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
... Paul Rodriguez
I can't stop thinking like this
...Steven Wright
Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.
...Ayn Rand
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.
...Robert Frost
Up your nose with a rubber hose.
...Vinnie Barbarino (Welcome Back Kotter)
The first thing we do; let's kill all the lawyers.
...Dick The Butcher (from Henry VI by William Shakespeare)
A dream is the answer to a question you have yet to figure out how to ask
...Fox Mulder
A man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.
...J. Robert Oppenheimer
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
...Anonymous
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up
...Muhammed Ali
I just put my feet in the air and move them around.
...Fred Astaire
I don't know why everyone makes such a fuss about Fred Astaire's dancing. I did all the same steps, only backwards. And in heels!
...Ginger Rogers
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
...George Burns
Old age is no place for sissies.
...Bette Davis
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
...W.C. Fields
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
...Samuel Goldwyn
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter.
...Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
A good friend will bail you out of jail at 3:00 in the morning; a true friend will be sitting there next to you in the cell saying "Damn, that was fun!"
...Anonymous
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
...Alfred Hitchcock
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
...Stephen Wright
He was a wise man who invented beer.
...Plato
I'm always making a comeback but nobody ever tells me where I've been.
...Billie Holiday
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country.
...Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
...Yogi Berra
We could all take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
...Anonymous
Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.
...John Lennon
Never get a mime talking. He won't stop.
...Marcel Marceau
Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.
...Marilyn Monroe
(When asked to comment on adapting his own work for the screen):
It's like raping your children to teach them about sex.
...David Mamet
The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
...Paul Newman
I never know how much of what I say is true.
...Bette Midler
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
...Gilda Radner
I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.
...Knute Rockne
Things ain't what they used to be and probably never was.
...Will Rogers
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
...Otto Von Bismarck, 1815-1898
Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth --to see it like it is, and tell it like it is --to find the truth, to speak the truth, and to live the truth.
...Richard M. Nixon
Half this game is ninety percent mental.
...Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em
...Harry Truman
The meek shall inherit the earth... but not the mineral rights.
...J. Paul Getty
This "telephone" has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
...Western Union internal memo c.1876
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
...Bill Gates, in 1981
I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that.
...Christie Brinkley
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet,
make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
...Dave Barry
There's a lot of comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
...Dick Cavett
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
...Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
People can have the Model T in any colour--so long as it's black.
...Henry Ford
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
...Jerry Seinfeld
History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren't there.
...George Santayana
I've always been more comfortable sinking while clutching a good theory than swimming with an ugly fact. ...David Mamet
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
...?
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
...Emo Phillips
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has
made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
...Douglas Adams
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a
dark side, and it holds the universe together.
...Carl Zwanzig
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
...Kilgore Trout
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the
universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
...Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
Live in the present; if you spend your life with one foot in the past and one
foot in the future... you'll piss all over today!
...unknown
It costs extra to carve "schmuck" on a tombstone, but you would
definitely be worth the expense.
...Lee Remick, The Competition
Good judgment comes from experience... and a lot of that comes from bad judgment!
...Will Rogers
Action is the last resource of those who do not know how to dream.
...Oscar Wilde
Destroy yourself physically and morally and insist that all true brothers
do likewise as an expression of unity.
....Robert Hunter, The Ten Commandments of Rock
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
....Frank Sinatra
We don't need no stinkin' badges!
...Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Some circumstancial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.
...Henry David Thoreau, Journal, Nov., 1850
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
...Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
Love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the Gods.
...Plato
Love is a serious mental disease.
...Plato
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house.
...Steven Seagal
Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
...Oscar Wilde
It is better to waste one's youth than to do nothing with it at all.
...Georges Courteline, 1917
Blues is a chair; not a design for a chair, or a better chair or a bigger chair.
It is the first chair. It is a chair for sitting on, not for looking at or
being appreciated. You sit on that music.
...John Lennon
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
...Groucho Marx
Hollywood is like cocaine. You cannot understand its attraction until you are doing it. And when you are doing it, you are insane.
...David Mamet
If I owned Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas, and go live in Hell.
...Gen Philip H. sheridan, speech, 1855
There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened,
it won't last.
...Jules Renard
The formula "two and two make five" is not without its attractions.
...Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes from Underground, 1864
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
...Al Gore
I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.
...Dan Quayle
If the third world war is fought with nuclear weapons, then the fourth world
war will be fought with sticks and stones.
...Albert Einstein
The budget should be balanced. Public debt should be reduced. The arrogance of officialdom should be tempered, and assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt.
...Marcus Tullius Cicero, 63 B.C.
It's all the same f**cking day, man.
...Janis Joplin
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
...Lenny Bruce
It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.
...Joan Rivers
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
...Woody Allen
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.
...Steve Martin
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between
five, it's fantastic.
...Woody Allen
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 560SL convertible.
...Unknown
Never forget - No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t.
...Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time.
...Charlie Brown
Things are more like they are now, than they have ever been before.
...Dwight D. Eisenhower
I am not a crook.
...Richard M. Nixon
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
...Plato
You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly, too.
...John Kenneth Galbraith
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
...Will Rogers
It's deja vu all over again.
...Yogi Berra
A wop bop a lu bop a wop bam boom!
...Little Richard
The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein.
...Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
I went to the American School of Redundancy School
...Jack A. Goodman
It's hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know what I mean?
...David Crosby
This is my prediction for the future: Whatever hasn't happened, will happen.
...J. B. S. Haldane
Confusion is mightier than the sword.
...Abbie Hoffman
I don't even know what street Canada is on.
....Al Capone
May you live long and prosper
...Joseph Jefferson, Rip Van Winkle
If I called the wrong number, why did you answer?
...James Thurber
I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I must have changed several
times since then.
...Lewis carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes, even I have trouble doing it.
...Tallulah Bankhead
On my gravestone, I want to say "I told you I was sick".
...Tom Waits
Leave me alone. I'm a lineman, I want to be obscure.
...Dennis Nelson, Sports Illustrated
And who knows? Somewhere out there in this audience may even be someone who will one day follow my footsteps, and preside over the White House as the president's spouse. I wish him well!
...Barbara Bush, commencement address
When choosing between two evils, I always take the one I haven't tried before.
...Mae West, Klondike Annie
Asperger's syndrome helped make the movies. The symptoms of this developmental disorder include early precocity, a great ability to maintain masses of information, a lack of ability to mix with groups in age-appropriate ways, ignorance of or indifference to social norms, high intelligence, and difficulty with transitions married to a preternatural ability to concentrate on the minutiae of the task at hand. This sounds to me like a job description for a movie director.
...David Mamet
The whole world is about three drinks behind.
...Humphrey Bogart
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
...Benjamin Franklin
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
... Rudyard Kipling, the Betrothed
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself.
...Walt Whitman
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
...Taxpayer wishing to remain anonymous
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life,
I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
...Fran Lebowitz
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
...George Bernard Shaw
Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself.
...Rita Mae Brown
A child of five could understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five!
...Groucho Marx
Sell crazy someplace else; we're all stocked up here.
...Jack Nicholson, As Good As It Gets
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole damned box to start a campfire?
...Anonymous
Remember that as a teenager, you are at the last stage of your life when you
will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
...Fran Lebowitz
I think, therefore I'm single.
...Liz Winstead
Let your child hear you sigh every day. Even if you don't know what he's done to make you suffer, he will.
...Dan Greenburg, How to be a Jewish Mother
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made
school boards.
...Mark Twain, Following the Equator
I wouldn't turn out the way I did, if I didn't have all the old fashioned
values to rebel against.
...Madonna
I do not take drugs, I am drugs.
...Salvador Dali
Oh? You hate your job? Well, why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that, you know. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
...The Drew Carey Show
I drink to make other people interesting.
...George Jean Nathan
If you live in New York (or any other big city) you're Jewish. It doesn't
matter even if you're Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you
live in Butte, Montana, you're going to be Goyish even if you're Jewish.
...Lenny Bruce
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't deal with drugs.
...Lily Tomlin
'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky.
...Jimi Hendrix
Whenever you receive a letter from a creditor, write fifty lines upon some
extraterrestrial subject, and you will be saved.
...Charles Baudelaire, Squibs
Chi Wen Tzu always thought three times before making a decision. Twice would
have been quite enough.
...Confucious, Analects, 5th century BC
Never contend with a man who has nothing to lose.
...Baltazar Gracian, The Art of WorldlyWisdom, 1647
Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away,
know when to run.
...Kenny Rogers, The Gambler
We have nothing to fear but sanity itself.
...Robin Williams, Mork and Mindy
America is the only nation in history which has miraculously gone from
barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.
...Georges Clemenceau
What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless,
whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism
or the holy name of liberty or democracy?
...Mahatma Ghandi
Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, might be happy.
...H. L. Mencken
My dad thinks I paid for all this with catering jobs. Never underestimate the power of denial.
...Wes Bentley as Ricky Fitts in the film, American Beauty
It is not real work, unless you would rather be doing something else.
...J. M. Barrie
I wanted to be a singer because I didn't want to sweat.
...Elvis Presley
Just because you have a computer, doesn't mean you can't be stupid.
...Beavis and Butthead
Sometimes when I look at all my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin.”
...Lillian Carter (Mother of Jimmy Carter)
It's true that hard work never killed anybody, but I figured,
why take the chance?
...Ronald Reagan
Every day, people are straying from the church and going back to God. Really.
...Lenny Bruce
I go to seek the Great... Perhaps.
...Rabelais, last words, 1553
The Ten Commandments contain 297 words. The Bill of Rights is stated in 463 words. Lincoln's Gettysburg Address contains 266 words. A recent federal directive to regulate the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words.
...Atlanta Journal
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
...Dave Barry
Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can't understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president.
...Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf,
Iraqi Minister of Information, 2003
(A journalist asked if there was room for forgiveness toward the people who abetted the 9/11 terrorist attacks against America.)
I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting.
...General Norman Schwartzkopf
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