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Episode 1
The sleepy little town of Fort Collins lays buried in a white blanket of snow. Inside a crowded apartment, a blond bomb-shell, KALLE, bids her boyfriend Brian farewell. They've been together for five years, and Kalle's ten week trip with ROAD RULES will be their first separation. Kalle explains that she feels a little guilty, but is secretly ready to shed her old life. You go girl...
Meanwhile, at the Fort Collins International Airport, a small jet lands, the gang-plank lowers, and out pops JAKE - a curly-haired eighteen year old from Philly. At a glance, you can tell Jake is a groovey, hip-hop, kik-it, da bomb type guy Bit of a joker. Bit of a player. Jake enters the airport and an attendant hands him puzzle piece that reads "keep an eye peeled for someone wearing a ROAD RULES backpack."
Now VINCE, a darkly handsome and intense twenty year old from Florida, steps off another jet, puzzle piece in hand. Excuse me, but aren't you... Jake and Vince bump into each other and press their puzzle pieces together. How sexy... Their puzzle reveals Kalle's address. They hop in a taxi to scoop her up. I'd like a Kalle-split with sprinkles on top...
During the long taxi ride, Jake has diarrhea of the mouth - just can't shut up! Vince decides "this ten week trip is gonna be painful if I have to listen to him." Jake, on the other hand, decides that Vince is a dork. This is working out nicely so far...
The boyz grab the girl and all three hop a plane to San Francisco where a private car delivers them to the edge of the ocean. As instructed, they take a short walk on a long pier and wait. Where are the other two Road Rulers? Show yourselves... Meanwhile, ERIKA and OSCAR are speeding towards the pier in their own taxi. Erika is twenty two, sophisticated, and from San Diego. I wish they all could be California... Oscar is 19 and from Puerto Rico - he's got the accent to prove it!
The taxi screeches to a halt. Erika and Oscar pile out and dash to the end of the pier. Everyone shakes hands - introductions all around. I can't believe we're really here... And hey look, here comes Michelle from ROAD RULES three! Our beautiful Southern belle strolls out to the end of the pier and welcomes the new cast to the ROAD RULES family. How y'all doin'! Michelle collects their cash, empty your wallets, and suggests they keep an eye out for the Winnebago. She hands Oscar some binoculars before she sprints away. Oscar peers through the binocs and spots the Winnie in a distant parking lot. Everybody run...
The Rulers piles into their tricked out winnie where they find a cassette tape - the first clue! Vince pops it into the stereo, "Complete your mission and receive your handsome reward." The Rulers tear open their clue boxes to find matching T-shirts - and look, each shirt has a word printed on it. Put them together and what do you get, "Take a shot at team work, at Mare Naval Base Island." Jake hops behind the steering wheel as Oscar hangs a little Puerto Rican flag on the bulletin board. Make yourself at home...
The Roadies roll onto the Navel Base, where they are directed to an towering, dark warehouse. They pull through the enormous sliding door and into the frightening, dark atmosphere where they are greeted by the MAYOR of the mission. The mayor explains "today you will be playing paint-ball!" What's paint-ball, you ask? It's war with paint instead of bullets. The mayor introduces the competition - the all-star team. Here they come! It's Christian from Season Two, Los from Season One, Timmy from Season Two, Michelle from Season Three, Devin from Season Two, and Effie from Season Two. Deja-friggin'-vu!
Right off the bat, Devin gives Oscar some advice, "don't let fights come between you on the trip." Easier said than done, my friend... The Mayor explains that the two teams will be playing for that much-needed commodity: cash! Rounds number One will be played for $400 each. The third and final round will be played for $800. The mayor explains that a round is won by capturing the opposing team's flag. Kalle explains that she hates guns. Give peace a chance... Now ready, set, go!
The paint is flying, and Kalle gets nailed immediately - into the holding cell she goes. Go directly to jail - do not pass go... Now Vince gets wailed on by Los - ten balls explode white across Vince's back. Check it out - there goes Christian - he's natched the flag and won the round! Kalle starts to cry, "I need this money to eat and I don't want to do this - I hate this!" You're lost, little girl...
Round two. Vince says we need paint grenades! Not a bad idea... Vince takes no prisoners and has grabbed the all-star's flag before they can say "put your hands up!" So it's one win for each team. Now the third and final round begins. Pow, pow, pow! Duck, roll, and fire! Jake gets shot in the face as Michelle grabs the Road Rulers flag. Game over. Kalle is freaked - "we have four hundred dollars to live off of for two weeks!"
Now Timmy explains "your next clue is only skin deep." Suddenly, everyone rips Timmy's clothes off, have you been working out, to discover the next clue written on his back: "Save a life and risk your own with the Coast Guard on Yorba Buena Island." Let's go!
Erika explains that "the paint-ball mission has made us closer - we won and lost together." Everyone piles back into the Winnie and it's on to the next mission. Roll with it baby...
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Episode 2
Previously: Our Road Rulers get their butts kicked when they take on the Road Rules All-Star-Cast during a paint-ball match. And now their measly $400 winnings must stretch over the next two weeks! The new cast is cuddling up to each other as they motor from the paint-ball warehouse over to MARE ISLAND and the COAST GUARD NAVAL BASE. Oscar has taken the wheel and he's taking the turns a little too sharply. Erika braces herself against the wall as Kalle reminds island boy "driving the Winnie is not like driving a regular car." You can say that again... Jake and Kalle settle in hip-to-hip at the dining table, working the laptop computer together.
Using the mapping software, Jake shows Kalle where his Philly apartment is located. Kalle shows Jake where her Boulder apartment is located. They're kind of bonding. Are sparks sparking? You be the judge. Kalle privately explains that, so far, she feels closest to Jake. She reveals that although she has been in a relationship with boyfriend Brian for five years, they have agreed that Kalle has the option to do whatever she wants during the ten week trip. Hmmm...
The roadies arrive at Treasure Island and pull into the Coast Guard base. They are immediately escorted to their dorm rooms by a stiff-backed military officer. Petty officer Crocket leads the boyz to a jail-sized suite and orders them to strip and change into their uniforms. Oscar quickly explains that he can't strip because he's not wearing underwear. What if you got in an accident, Oscar? Crocket reminds Oscar that undies are mandatory in the Coast Guard. But not in Puerto Rico, apparently... Oscar counters that undies are ball-crushers. Reluctantly, the Puerto Rican prince changes into his new duds, quickly complaining that his pants are too tight: "my butt is too big for these pants." Crocket quickly retorts, "I won't comment on your butt." But why not...
The rulers file into the dining room for some chow. They're really starving now. Oscar is hoping for some beans and rice. The roadies retrieve their cardboard food boxes from the chow line and open them to find they will be munching on tomato sandwiches and dry crackers. Not exactly a five course meal. Now another officer, Antoinette Porter, steps over to the table to welcome the kids. Immediately, Oscar asks her for a new pair of pants. She refuses to consider his request, deems him a "trouble-maker, loud-mouthed and defiant." She orders him to execute twenty five push-ups, "right now!" Yes, sir! Er.. Yes, Ma'am! Thank you sir, may I please have another...
After Porter takes her leave, the Roadies all tell Oscar to drop the attitude - your actions could get us all punished! Oscar denies having an attitude problem and reminds his travel mates that he will always speak his mind. The next morning, the roadies are rudely awakened by revelry. They crawl into their uniforms and are quickly escorted onto a large ship - the cutter Long Island. They are introduced to Captain John who explains that their mission is to practice for and then execute a search and rescue mission. Kewl, huh?
Now it's a day of drills. Pull on fire-suits and learn how to use the fire hose. Pull on the gumby suits, jump in the water, and learn the correct formation necessary to survive while stranded in the ocean Observe radar. Handle the guns. Release the life boats. On top of all this intense work, everyone is starting to get sea-sick. That's right. Barf-a-rama. Yuck. I see you enjoyed your lunch...
At the end of this grueling day, Jake gathers his roadies into the bow of the ship. Time for a confession: "I'm leaving this boat." What? Why? Jake explains that he absolutely hates the Coast Guard and cannot bear another minute on board the S.S. Barf. Would it be OK with all of you if I bailed and slept in the Winnie? Erika quickly responds, NO WAY! She reminds Jake that she and Kalle hated the paint-ball mission, but they didn't quit. Vince is neutral, "I don't care what you do." That means a lot to me, Vinny... Oscar confesses that he would perceive Jake as a quitter. Oscar reminds Jake that he has eight shoulders to lean on - "we need you here with us." Kalle is silent, but privately admits she's got a sinking feeling in her stomach. Is it love or something I ate...
Kalle pulls Jake aside for a one-on-one heart-to-heart. "You're the one I get along with the best. I would take it as a personal insult if you leave. I want to spend these ten weeks with you." What? Jake's ears, heart and... it all just perks right up. I want to spend these ten weeks with you... That sounds like a proposition. Jake decides to stay. Score Kalle!
Later that night, the boat cuts out into deeper waters. Kalle confesses that she has never been on a boat before. Suddenly, she starts turning green. Oh, no. Here it comes. Put your head over the side! Now it's Oscar's turn. Was it better the second time? Well, heck, now everyone is barfing their guts out. What a way to get to know each other. Oscar has an epiphany: "now I know why sailors are so angry." Ey, ey, matie...
The next morning, as Kalle mans the short wave radio, the ship receives a MAYDAY call from a small pleasure boat. The lone male passenger is frantic - the bow of his vessel is on fire and his boat is sinking. Kalle assures him the Coast Guard is on the way! The boyz pull on their fire-fighting suits as Erika lowers the life-boat. Here we go! Search and rescue...
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Episode 3
Last week we left our Road Rulers on board the Coast Guard cutter Long Island. While manning the radar equipment, Kalle received a mayday message from a boater whose vessel had caught fire. Actually it's a drill, but why tell the cast and ruin the fun! Now the cutter is chugging towards the coordinates and it's rescue 911! Oscar and Erika jump into the life boat and Erika takes the wheel as they motor out to the drowning victim. Our Puerto Rican paramedic pulls the water-logged body into the boat as look-out helicopters roar overhead. Vince and Jake pull on their fire-fighting gear and grab one of the powerful hoses as Kalle directs the movement of their craft from the bridge. The boyz put out the fire as Erika and Oscar drag the charred and dazed victim onto the deck of the cutter. Oscar places the man's neck into a brace and assures him the danger has passed - you'll live. Whew! All in a days work...
Later that afternoon, captain John calls a debriefing and it's all hands on deck. The captain congratulates the rulers on their performance - they have successfully completed their second mission! Jake explains that it was a good mission because it gave us a chance to jell. Vince reveals that he learned a lot about team work. Kalle exclaims, "I want to buy a CB radio for the winnie!" She just loved working the communications equipment. Now the captain hands over the next clue - sort of. It's a message written in Morse code. The roadies hanker down over the code book and after a few minutes, they've deciphered the message: "Meet Sheri at Wilma's patio on Balboa island." Jake wonders out loud, "maybe our trip has an islands theme." Hmm...
Exhausted, the Road mates head back to the winnie, where they discover that the cow skull and horns have been stolen from the front grill. Back at the barracks, Jake and Oscar quickly agree they must take a hostage if their mascot is ever to be seen again. Jake and Oscar slip out into the main yard and their collective four eyes immediately lock onto a Coast Guard flag fluttering at the top of a while pole. That's it!! They dash to the pole and one, two, three - Oscar has the flag unhooked and shoved up his shirt. They dash back to their dorm room and fold the flag into a small bundle, cramming it into Jake's backpack. Moments later, the barracks commander storms into the room. He's not happy. He reminds the boyz, "you're guests here, and if the flag isn't returned you won't be able to sleep here tonight." Erika thunders into the room and demands that the boyz return the Coast Guard property. Oscar holds firm to his position - they return the horns, we return the flag. Erika reminds Oscar that this stunt effects all of them, and Erika does not want to get kicked off the base. But Oscar won't budge. Erika retreats to her own room, SLAMMING the door behind her. Yikes...
The next morning, Kalle and Vince go for a stroll and hash out their opinions of the kidnapping. They decide they do not want to be perceived as snotty brats - we should return the flag. They return their opinion to Jake and our Philly cheese-ball gives right in - he can't say no to Kalle's too-blue eyes. Jake strolls back to the pole and hoists the flag.
In the recreation room, Erika is chatting on the phone with her mom, who lives just an hour away from the base. Mom invites the kids to visit, and guess what - she just happens to be cooking a huge meal of chicken and lamb. That sure sounds good after those Coast Guard boxed sandwiches...
All motor on over to Erika's mom's comfy pad. Gosh, something smells good - it's making me hungry. Kalle spends most of the evening chatting with Erika's mom. Later, she confesses that it was a very difficult night for her - emotionally. Kalle's own mother died recently, and witnessing the relationship between Erika and her mother really got to Kalle. Kalle and Jake go for a walk - just the two of them. Kalle wants to confess, but only to Jake. She spills it all - my mother is dead, I hate my step father, I've never lived with my father... I have no home to go home to. Jake wraps an arm around Kalle's shoulders and pulls her close, "I'm glad she felt she could talk to me." The seeds are growing...
After a fabulous nights sleep in Erika's mom's fluffy beds, the Roadies pile into the winnie for the long drive to Balboa island. They stop for a quick lunch at a Chinese restaurant. Erika reminds Oscar that he must order from the cheaper, "special" menu because they don't have enough money to go hog-wild. Everyone scarfs to satisfaction. As all stand to leave, Oscar announces he will take his chop-sticks as a souvenir. Erika forbids him to do so - "we don't steal silverware in America." Oscar reminds her the chopsticks are woodware, but leaves them behind to avoid a confrontation. Gosh, she's a little touchy. Kalle privately ventures that the conflicts between Oscar and Erika will be constant and reccurring. Back in the Winnie, Oscar takes the wheel as Erika rides shotgun, calling out the directions. Woops - Oscar, you just missed a turn. Hey, Oscar - you missed the exit again. Now Oscar is giggling - he's just got no sense of direction and is laughing at himself. But Erika doesn't think it's funny. In fact, she's pissed. She leaps out of the passenger seat, refusing to navigate for someone who won't take her seriously and listen. Now Oscar is going it alone. He hits a puddle and reflexively slams on the breaks, sending his winnie-mates flying out of their seats. Erika screams, "that's it, it's not funny, pull over and let someone else drive!" Oscar obeys.
Kalle takes the wheel and finds the way to a motor-home park where they can tie up, plug in, and spend the night. All huddle around the dining room table for a group discussion. Jake starts it off. He gently explains to Oscar that he is going to have to try to drive more carefully - he's really upsetting a lot of people. Oscar has no problem with that, and he appreciates the fact that Jake is speaking to him, not yelling at him "like an animal." Erika cuts in and tries to explain to Oscar why she was yelling at him - he was laughing at her when she was frightened.
Oscar listens, but he keeps his eyes on the floor. Erika demands, "at least do me the courtesy of looking at me when I speak to you." Oscar quietly asks Erika, "must I look at you to hear you?" Erika is stunned speechless. Guess they won't be seeing eye-to-eye. Vince breaks the tension, suggesting they all scream as loud as they can to ease the memory of the fight. One, two, three - AHHHHHHH! Erika sighs, "I could have screamed longer." I'm sure of that...
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Episode 4
It's rise and shine on a sunny morning in the glamorous Balboa Island RV center! That stands for RECREATIONAL VEHICLE, in case you haven't heard. The Roadies are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, showered and groomed, ready to head off to WILMA'S PATIO where the next mission will be revealed. But where the heck is Oscar? Vince volunteers to act as search party. He scours the RV park, looking for the lost Latin. Finally, he crosses paths with the Puertorican Powerhouse - Oscar out for his morning jog and dripping sweat. Vince reminds him, "we're leaving in fifteen minutes." Oscar assures Vince he'll be ready - and then jogs on! Vince is furious - there's no way Oscar will be ready in time.
Florida sunshine-boy reports back to the others in the winnie and all decide they will leave Oscar behind if he isn't ready in time. Oscar hits the showers, but he's too late. Vince wants to take off - we can leave him a note and he can meet us there. Kalle insists they wait and all go together - "he's part of the group too." Erika reminds everyone that if Oscar continues to disregard the others in the future, there will be lots of problems.
The Roadies hike it over to Wilma's - turns out it's a cute little restaurant. There they discover they are to perform live in a stand-up-comedy amateur night. When? Tomorrow night! Instructions: break into teams of two or more, write an introduction, the act must be from three to five minutes. Vince and Erika decide to become a team. And of course, Jake and Kalle are already a team or sorts - they'll just ad some giggles to their repertoire. But what about Oscar? Kalle privately confesses that no one wants Oscar on their team. (Oh, and by the way - first prize gets $250 and second prize gets $100. And you know our favorite punks are down to $400 for 14 days. Do the math - that's SIX DOLLARS PER DAY PER PERSON. Impossible! The Roadies need to win this money so they can buy food!)
Our cast pulls up to a table at Wilma's to have lunch and iron out some comedy routines. Of course, Oscar has nothing to iron because he's not on any team. He exits to use a pay-phone. Jake explains that Oscar is cutting himself off from the group. Oscar privately confesses that his road-mates are nothing like his friends back home and it's really frustrating - he feels he must spend some time alone because he is about to explode.
Later that afternoon Oscar is alone at the RV park, kickin' it in the winnie. A park messenger motors up in a golf cart and delivers a letter to Oscar. It's from his family. As Oscar reads the letter, huge tears drop from his eyes, splattering across the encouraging words his parents have written. You are not alone, I am here with you... Oscar is suddenly inspired to give the winnie a good cleaning. He scrubs and sweeps 'till it's shiny and new. Then Jake, Vince, Erika, and Kalle return to the winnie and lapse into a collective state of shock - our house looks beautiful! Jake guesses that Oscar exerted himself in an attempt to make amends with the group.
Later that night, Jake and Oscar have a heart-to-heart while sitting on the picnic table at their campsite. Jake reminds Oscar that it was Oscar's encouragement that allowed him to remain on the Coast Guard boat when he was preferred to bail. Jake proceeds to give Oscar a pep-talk, explaining "I'm glad you're here with us, I want you to be here, and we'll all have a good time." Now Oscar is almost crying again, "that really means a lot to me."
The next morning, Erika and Vince practice their comedy routine. Vince will be the disgruntled husband and she'll be the obliviously supportive wife. Jake and Kalle ask Oscar to join their team. He will be the Puerto Rican interpreter as Kalle delivers a menagerie of bad jokes. Jake will make a surprise appearance wearing only a napkin. Do you think he has the guts...
Night falls and it's time to drive over to Wilma's. Holy doo-dee, look at the line of people - it wraps around the block! Now everyone's heart is beating quite a bit faster. Vince confesses, "I'm so scared!" Jake places Kalle's hand on his heart, "feel it, it's beating out of my chest." Now lower, lower... that's it... The roadies are ushered backstage to wait for their entrance call. Oscar is so terrified, he can't shut up! Vince and Erika are called to the stage. With a twist on the old husband and wife routine, the partners take the audience by storm. Vince tells the jokes, Erika laughs supportively, Vince tells her to shut the hell up, "you're ruining my act!" Erika kicks her abusive husband right off the stage in the big finale, earning a thunderous round of applause.
Now Oscar and Kalle are called to the stage. Kalle offers up some of her goofier monologues as Oscar "interprets" in Spanish, jokingly explaining that Kalle is talentless and cheap. The Spanish-speaking audience members are cracking up. Now Jake waddles on stage totally buff. No, he still doesn't have muscles - he's fully naked! Just a serving tray covering Jake Junior.
After Jake changes back into his street clothes, everyone moves out to the sidewalk to await the results of the challenge. Drum roll please... Erika and Vince have taken second place! Erika is thrilled, "that's a hundred bucks more than we had 20 minutes ago!" Every penny counts, at this point. Now the roadies have SEVEN DOLLARS PER DAY PER PERSON. Now you can get fries with that meal...
Now all run back to the winnie where another clue is waiting on the kitchen table. Vince removes a small model airplane from a shopping bag and reads the attached message out-loud: travel to Miami to walk on the wind at 5000 feet! Be afraid, be very afraid...
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Episode 5
Previously: The gang succeeds at their comedy mission and even manages to score some prize money for their efforts. The next clue tells them to pick up a new Winnie in Miami. But they are also forewarned to "be afraid, be very afraid." Doh!
Our heroes fly to Miami and find their new home on wheels. But alas, no horns this time! They head to Key West, and during the drive Kalle and Erika have a heart to heart about what it was like going through their parents' divorces.
Mission #4 is "wing-walking," which means standing on top of a plane while it's flying all over the place. Gulp. Only one person will qualify to do this daredevil feat, while the other folks will train to do loops and rolls in a snazzy red plane. Oscar and Kalle are chosen to train for the wing walk, and after a serious competition, Kalle wins out (though Oscar does get to stand up in the cockpit and wave to everybody back on the ground).
Kalle does amazingly on her wing walk, and returns to earth to gush about how it was the best thing she's ever done. Kalle and Oscar aren't the only ones who get to fly! Vince takes the cockpit and executes a perfect loop (rosary in pocket for good luck), Erika rocks out on a barrel roll, and Jake successfully completes a crazy move that's a combination of both the loop and the roll!
Meanwhile, on a more interpersonal front, Kalle and Jake lie awfully close to one another while sleeping on the Winnie's roof under a full moon. In the morning they hang out and talk about life. Later, Jake explains that he's got a major crush on her. Kalle knows this, he says, but she's not sure how to handle stuff because of her boyfriend back home, Brian.
Next time, with no money but lots of spunk, the Road Rulers are ordered to produce a swimsuit calendar. Bet you can't guess who's modeling...
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Episode 6
Previously: Skill, concentration, and determination are generously displayed as Kalle and Oscar battle for the opportunity to wing walk. Kalle lands the part and Oscar is endearingly relieved. Meanwhile: Vince, Jake and Erika perform like Top Guns as they take turns behind the wheel of a little red jet. Finally, Kalle straps on a BI-plane and eats some clouds at ten thousand feet. After safe landings, the Road Rulers huddle around a payphone waiting for their next clue to ring in. Hello? Go to COCOMO?
It's a gray, drizzling morning and we find Jake at a payphone complaining to his mommy that he and the cast are broke and food-free. As a solution to their empty tummies, Jake suggests a trip to KFC. Pulling in, Jake fails to notice the awning of the drive-thru is too low for Winnie clearance and - CRASH, BANG, BOOM! Kalle screams as Jake remodels the exterior of the restaurant. Another day, another few thousand dollars worth of damage. The cops let is slide and everyone eats to their heart's content.
The next morning, our cast drives to the tourist strip where they meet Howard. This bubbly chap explains MISSION FIVE: spend the evening operating Pedi CABS. After pounding the peddles for a few hours, the kids will get to keep 80% of their earnings, while Howie will pinch the measly 20%. The mission is exhausting, and the tourists seem intent on walking. But it's the golden hour for Oscar, as he flirts, cajoles and begs the tourists to allow him the chance to chauffeur their carcasses up and down the street. He kicks butt, earning more cash than anyone. All earnings are pooled, and our' cast is $340 richer. Now a dash to the Winnie where we find...
A clue. Cutouts of our cast's faces are glued onto the sexy bodies in a swimsuit calendar. Meet Scott Tyler... And wait, there are plane tickets too. Tickets to Grand Cayman Island! The girls scream their heads off. Pass the tanning butter.
Our luxury jet lands on balmy Grand Cayman Island and our cast is whisked by taxi to an unglamorous youth hostel. (Should have pumped those pedals a little harder. And maybe you'd be staying at the Hilton.) Tipping the muscle-meter is Marlon, the host of the hostel who escorts the cast to their jeep in-waiting. Now it's off to a nice hotel (don't forget to drive on the left, Erika), where the cast meet with photographer Scott Thompson. Scott explains MISSION SIX: produce a swimsuit calendar. If the finished product is anywhere close to Bay Watch quality, the cast will take home $1500! That could buy a lot of KFC.
At Scott's studio, the chicks try on some bikinis while Vince tries to get in the mood to pose. Scott drops the bomb: the photos must be turned in for processing in 24 hours. Get busy! Down at the waterfront, everyone takes pictures of everyone, hoping that some of the pictures will turn out. Then they dash to Fed Ex, and send those suckers out for developing.
That evening, Jake and Kalle duck out for a private stroll. Kalle reminds goo-goo-eyed Jake that she just got out of one relationship and doesn't want to get into another. Jake informs Kalle that they are already in a relationship; they sleep together every' night. Kalle is confused. Jake is frustrated. Is Kalle leading him on emotionally? Watch out girls and boys.
Bright and early the next morning, it's back to FedEx where the pictures are waiting. Vince seems to hate any picture that includes his face. (Hint: relax, Vince, you're gorgeous.) The cast manages to pick twelve photos (that's one for each month of the year, you bright young things) without getting into an argument. Now it's pedal to the metal over to the photocopy joint, where the photos are reproduced and bound into the semblance of a calendar. Bravo!
Back at the swank hotel, our cast presents the finished product to the Scott man. Guess what'? He loves the calendar! $1500 cash, mama! Now our cast can pig out every night! It's off to a disco dancing celebration at the local nightclub Kalle and Jake are dancing awfully close.
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Episode 7
Previously: Still reeling from the thrill of examining the Road Ruler's calendar, Scott the photographer hands over a map that reveals the location of the next clue. Through the dark of night, Oscar, Jake, and Kalle race to X-marks-the-spot on a stretch of beach. Oscar unearths a glass jar filled with BEES and Kalle screams!
Our fearless friends pile into their trusty left-handed jeep and head over to Otto's Bee Farm where hundreds, maybe thousands, of wood crates are piled and stacked all over the front yard. These crates are the little bee condos! Otto greets our brats, and it's handshakes all around. Otto is a gentle soul with a Caymanian accent so thick, you'll think you need an interpreter.
Otto, clutching a little oil-can smoke machine, leads the nervous nellies over to a skyscraper of towering bee crates. He pumps the handle on his machine and explains that smoke keeps the bees away. Smoke gets in your eyes... Oscar takes control of the smoke machine as crazy glove-free Otto removes a frame from inside the top crate, explaining that this is where the honey is kept. (Funny, I always thought it was kept in a teddy-bear shaped dispenser in a cupboard over the microwave.) Meanwhile, hundreds of angry bees are buzzing everywhere; the sound is so loud, it's like a movie! Our cast is all prickly, just waiting to get stung.
Suddenly, Oscar decides the bees are getting just a little too intimate; he makes a run for it. Of course, all the bees follow. Oscar spins out some modern dance moves, trying to throw the little critters off his trail, but they're smarter than him and he gets nailed in the head. Suddenly everyone decides those protective bee suits are rather attractive! Did you know the suits are smartly accessorized with matching helmets and gloves (for evening, of course)? But guess what? Otto has only four suits! Gulp. Jake volunteers to leave his lanky limbs naked.
Our pals take their turns removing the honey frames. Otto instructs everyone to stay calm, but the bees must sense the terror. Jake is stung and before he can finish yelping, Vince is stung too; the stinger went right through his protective glove! Our queen bees, Erika and Kalle, remain unscathed. What's wrong, yellow jackets? Our girls not sweet enough for you?
Otto congratulates the kiddies on a job well done and explains that their next clue is waiting inside one of the bee crates. Great. They yank the clue from the bee fortress: meet me for a three hour tour, Kenny. Also included are plane tickets to St. Thomas. Ciao Otto!
The kids fly to St. Thomas and meet up with up with stocky survivalist Kenny and his sexy first mate, Vanya. Kenny briefs the kids: leave you gear on the dock, we're heading for a deserted island. How cool is that? All motor to the island where Kenny demonstrates how to snooze in a hammock, how to gulp the sweet milk of coconuts, and how to dive for luscious lobster.
At a makeshift table, Kenny demonstrates how to remove conch from it's shell. (Conch is this disgusting snail that you can eat - if you're starving and have absolutely nothing else to eat.) Kenny chops off the conch's penis. Ouch. Without warning, Oscar gobbles the penis!! And you thought he only went for lovely ladies...
Later that night, Kenny and Vanya bail, leaving the Road Rulers to fend for themselves. Daybreak. Vince is puking his guts out. And he didn't even eat conch penis! Adding to the fun is an approaching storm. Wait, it's not approaching. It's here! Everyone huddles under a plastic tarp as the tiny island is pummeled by heavy rain and whipping winds. Paradise, huh? Don't worry, they won't starve. There's plenty of cold, half-baked rice to go 'round.
Daybreak. Yes, again. Erika spots a boat on the horizon. As the vessel nears, Vince recognizes... Can it be? I thought he was dead! It's Bob Denver!!!! That's right little buddy! Halle-fricking-lujah. We're saved. BOB DENVER lands and hugs our filthy, stinky cast. He hands over the next clue: as a reward for not dropping dead, the kids will be treated to a deluxe suite at a fabulous hotel where they will receive massages, facials, and all that other pampering type stuff. Can you say sea-weed wrap?
They pack up camp and head back to the mainland, and not on the S.S. Minnow, by the way. Half way home, Bob Denvers's hat flies off his little gray-haired head. Oscar dives into the soup to rescue the precious garment. Yes, it's the same hat that Gilligan wore on the show. I know, you'd think it would have disintegrated by now.
The boat docks and Bob Denver hands the punks yet another clue. It's a message in a bottle. The message is: come to Puerto Rico. Oscar's brain can barely take in the information. Yes, baby, you're going home! That afternoon, Jake and Kalle take a swim in the ocean and slip-n-slide against each other like two baby dolphins. Next, it's a post-swim power walk. Jake pops the question: will you get an AIDS test. What?! Me?! Kalle is shocked at the thought. She firmly reminds Jake that she does not fit into a high risk category. Jake shoots her right down, explaining that because she sexed it up with Brian unprotected, she is in fact HIGH RISK. Kalle reminds Jake that she and Brian were monogamous. Jake SAYS WHO! Good for you, Jakey! Kalle caves and agrees to have her blood drawn. Roll up your sleeve and make a fist...
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Episode 8
Previously: Everyone's little buddy, actor Bob Denver, rescues our cast from their three day tour on a food-free deserted island. Back on dry land, Denver hands over the next clue; message in a bottle. It's a note from Oscar's baby sister: come home to Puerto Rico!
Oscar is wetting his pants as everyone boards the plane for that mythical land, Puerto Rico; where life is always perfect, right Oscar? We'll just see...
The jet lands, and Oscar is the first to de-plane. He drops to his knees and kisses the ground. Well, the tarmac. Yuck. The kids pile into the Winne and motor over to Oscar's papy's pad. The large all-white home is in a swank gated community; very nice. Oscar's pops greets everyone at the front door and it's bear hugs all around. Erika notices that Oscar's father sounds just like him. So that's where he gets it...
In the kitchen, Oscar points out all the delicious dishes that his step-mother has prepared for them. Makes you hungry lookin' at it. Oscar makes everyone smell the simmering beans. Will everyone smell them later, Oscar? Our cast moves into the back yard to grab a seat at one of the tables next to the gorgeous pool. Papy plays waiter and delivers the kids their dinner. What service!
A posse of Oscar's compadres pile through the front door. Jake takes one look at the boyz and decides they are "suburb brats who want to look like hoodlum-rasta-gang members." Vince agrees, "they look like the gang members I've seen in Florida." Can we all say SHELTERED LIFE? All the kids start drinking, and I don't mean Snapple. Oh, brother. You can cut the racial tension with an automatic weapon.
One of Oscar's little buddies is no Gilligan. This punk just can't stop mackin' on Kalle! He keeps hovering behind our blond bomb shell, grabbing his crotch. Maybe he's just adjusting his baggy jeans; we can't tell. Next thing you know, this kid plops down in a chair right next to Kalle. She does her best to ignore the come-on, which isn't hard since she doesn't speak Spanish and the boy ain't speaking English! What about Jake you ask? He is fuming. He pulls Kalle aside, "if he crosses the line just give me the word." Like what are you gonna do, Jake? Fight off a pack of beefy guys on their home turf? Luckily, Kalle doesn't "give the word." What is the word, anyway?
Finally, our very wise Erika pulls Oscar aside and clues him in: you better say something to your buddy before a fight breaks out. Oscar pulls the dude aside and tells him to back off; his fellow Road Rulers come first. Wow! Everyone is really impressed with the Puerto Rican Prince. Oscar has proven his love and respect for his travel mates. Bonding is beautiful.
Next morning, a messenger delivers the next clue; directions to a place on the sea, clear on the other side of the island. The cast motors on over. The owner of the bungalows explains that free rooms are available if the cast can complete three requirements: milk a goat, eat an egg roll, and throw a penny in a well. Get busy. Huh?
Scavenger hunt! The kids pile into their Latin Winne and start searching. But the Chinese restaurants in Puerto Rico don't serve egg rolls. Jake says he'll take care of it, don't worry.
So next, our favorite fab five drive all over hell trying to find a goat. You'd think it would be easy. No chance. Most of the goats they find are either half dead or have the wrong genitalia. They finally locate a mama goat whose thingy is sagging with milk. This is the first action Vince has gotten since leaving home. Got milk? Got milk!
The Rulers run back to bungalow gal and show her the milk. She doesn't believe it's from a goat. What?! How dare she. Vince says smell my hands. She does, and pee-eew! Now do you believe me? Jake rolls a raw egg across the counter-top, pops it in his mouth, and munches. Voila! An egg-roll. The search for the well continues. Oscar takes the van off-roading through the jungle in search of this old hole-in-the-ground. What was that thud? Why aren't we moving? Are we... Yes, we're stuck. The back wheel of the van is buried in the sand. The kids try to get the van unstuck, but it ain't happening. As the sun starts to set, they begin to hike back to civilization.
Along a stretch of lonely blacktop, our cast come upon a tow truck parked at the side of the road. Can you say divine intervention? Jake pleads with the driver to tow them out of the sand. The driver asks are you Christian? Jake says no, I'm not personally. Remember he's a NJB; Nice Jewish Boy. The driver tells Jake that he doesn't know what he's missing.
Oscar takes over the negotiations; he could really save their souls if he just gets our car out of the sand trap. Convinced of divine intervention, the old driver decides to be a great Samaritan. He revs up his rig and yanks the van out of the sand; for free! Praise Jesus! On top of that, he points the kids to the well; ten feet that-a-way. There it is. Why were you hiding?
Oscar, Jake, and Kalle each throw a penny into the well. Kalle squeals, free rooms! The weary travelers settle into their new beach-front hideaway. It's really nice. You'd love it. Who wouldn't? Oscar asks if he can have the private room. The travel mates agree; Oscar has been so helpful today, he gets the deluxe suite, with the big bed! Jake takes it one step further and says Oscar, you can sleep on my head. Vince beats that; Oscar, you can sleep on my ass cheeks! Is that a mint on my pillow or just a zit!
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Episode 9
Previously: The rulers receive another clue: a Barbie-sized life raft and a GPS (global positioning system) computer. Ready to ride a raging river?
Using the miraculous GPS, the kids motor on over to the coordinates of their destination: it's an iron bridge erected over a wide river. A spunky Spanish-speaking man introduces himself as Rosano and explains that the cast will be building rafts and racing down the river - racing against each other, that is. The winner of the race will receive a gourmet meal served by your choice of lovely lady or buff boy. Sounds tasty.... The kiddies race down to the river's edge where they find inner tubes, bamboo logs, rope, and paint. They are allowed exactly 15 minutes to build their rafts. Ready, go! Times up! You have never seen such a pathetic collection of hodge-podged, thrown together, good-luck-pal rafts. These vehicles don't even look seaworthy! In fact, Kalle's could pass for a submarine. Get it? Sink?
It's time for the race to begin. But first, a surprise. Rosano unveils a row of helmets and harnesses. See that bridge up there? To kick off the race, you will pendulum jump off that bridge. What?! Put on the helmet, hook on the bungie rope, and dive off the bridge. Added bonus: you get to see what suicide is like, without the mess. Hopefully...
Don't try this at home. The kids crawl up to the bridge and scoot out along the edge. Erika's heart is beating out of her chest. Rosano sounds the horn. Kalle squeezes her eyes closed and... bye-byeeeee. They look like God's yo-yos.?
All snap out of their harnesses and dash to their rafts. Now it's over the rapids and through the woods. Kalle can't make her raft work, in fact it's floating up stream - that's the wrong way! Jake soon leaves the others in his wake; must by those long legs. All the better to kick you with. Jake shoots and scores; game, set, match.
Back at the beach-side bungalow, a handsome waiter helps Jake slip into a tux jacket for his fabulous feast. Jake tosses the tux pants to Oscar. Munch with me! Jake hates to eat alone and what a nice way to thank Oscar for his family's Puerto Rican hospitality.
Now it's a quick flight to the island of Martinique. The kids check into their new hotel where Jake and Kalle will share a private room in a private building while Erika, Vince, and Oscar bunk together. Cozy, huh?
The kids immediately hit the streets for some shopping. Well, make that haggling. Kalle gets to practice her French as she gently argues over the price of a sweet potato. Will the fun never end?
Later that night, Erika is alone in the hotel room, sitting on the floor while applying her makeup. She's leaning against the bed for support. Suddenly, a hand reaches out and grabs her. She screams and Vince starts laughing hysterically. Erika crawls right under the bed, grabs Vince in a headlock and starts to apply mascara to our little Florida orange. Vince escapes, but Erika tackles him and they wrestle on the floor, limbs intertwined. Would you call this flirting? I think so... Erika explains that she likes to spend time with Vince because he is the only one on the trip who can talk about current events or politics; everyone else just wants to talk about themselves. Hear that, Jake?
In bed together that night, Vince suddenly pours his glass of water on Erika's face. She chases him out of bed and locks him out of the room - he's stuck on the porch. As Oscar watches, Erika stuffs all of Vince's underwear into the toilet. Vince begs her not to flush! She finally allows him back into the room and he fishes his skivvies out of the toilet with a coat hangar.
The next morning the dudes and chicks get a clue to "meet Christian on the beach and set sail." Hmmm... The kids track the guy down and turns out he's a thick-accented young man from Norway. He explains that they will be spending the next two weeks on his $1,000,000.00 boat, learning how to sail. Christian offers a quick tour of the gorgeous, teak-trimmed vessel and before you know it, they've hit the high seas. Erika, terrified, mans the wheel as the others help Christian put up the sail. No one seems to know what they're doing and no one can understand Christian's instructions because no one can understand his English through that accent! Finally, Vince pulls Chris aside and explains that they will need a little more information if they will be expected to actually help sail the boat. Ai, ai, Captain...
Everyone votes Jake captain of the boat. The S.S. Winne flag is raised. Later in the dining cabin, Vince finds a clue that explains the next mission: plan a wedding. Yikes. Can you say annulment?
Now it's sailing through the dark of night as stormy seas and pulses rise. Jake forgets to secure a sheet line and the main sail flies loose and starts to pull the boat off course. Christian climbs the mast like a monkey and tries to cut the sail down, but the sail and cuts him, blood flying everywhere. Christian yells for the kids to catch the sail when it crashes down. Kalle screams, in our hands? No, in your mouth, Kalle. The boom flies across the hull, nearly decapitating everyone. Kalle screams as the boat disappears into blackness. Who needs the Bermuda Triangle?
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Episode 10
Previously: The Rulers get their next clue while lounging in the galley of the Lady Jane: sail to St. Lucia and help plan a wedding. Cutting through deep ocean waters, the boat and it's unprepared crew face a violent storm complete with tidal wave.
It's Tarzan time as Vince takes the rope from the mast of the sailboat and uses it as a swinging vine - he flies out over the side of the boat and drops into the water. PLOP, splash, kewl! Now Kalle gives it a try, and as usual screams her head off, legs flailing in every direction. PLOP, splash, kewl! Hey, that looks fun. Next up, Oscar. He takes the rope and leaps off the side of the boat, screaming "Puerto Ricoooooo...." CRASH! Oscar you have to let go of the rope! But he didn't! Instead of dropping into the drink, he smashed into the side of the boat. He crumples to the deck in pain. Christian's first mate, SONJA, bandages up his toes. She jokes, "you'll have to get those amputated." Oscar's mouth falls open - he believed her for a second.
The boat docks in St. Lucia and the Road Rulers stroll over to a restaurant to meet the happy couple, ZAINE and CINDY. All enjoy a lovely dinner as the soon-to-be-married pair explain the next mission is "plan our wedding." And since we're in St. Lucia, we want a traditional Creole wedding. Cindy reminds the kids that if they pull off the wedding in style, they will be rewarded with an all-expense-paid luxury suite in St. Lucia's most fabulous resort.
Now, that's motivation! One catch. The wedding must take place in 48 hours. Get busy. Erika immediately channels CoCo Chanel, explaining "Cindy, I see you wearing something very simple, something body-hugging." We know lot's of simple guys who'd love to hug her body...
The next day, Oscar limps into a doctor's office for some x-rays. Hey, he really does have two broken toes! The doc recommends Oscar get a cast - a cast that should remain on his foot for ten weeks. Oscar declines, reminding the doc, "I'm on a once-in-a-lifetime trip and I just can't have a cast - it could slow me down." Is that dedication or silliness? Jake let's his fingers do the walking (not through Kalle's hair), and locates BRIDAL PARADISE in the yellow pages. Everyone motors on over to the little local shack, where the proprietress explains that she can pull the whole wedding together for an excellent price. "You just supply the bride and groom." So far, so smooth...
Now it's location scouting as Kalle leads the way to a dilapidated barn that was recommended by Bridal Paradise as the perfect spot to hold the ceremony. What a dump! All agree, Zaine and Cindy deserve better. The kids roll on to PIGEON ISLAND, a local park with expanses of green lawn spreading over a hillside plateau that overlooks the sparkling blue ocean. All agree, this is too good for Zaine and Cindy. Psyche! Everyone agrees, we'll hold the wedding right on this very spot.
Next day, it's all about setting up the tent and blowing up the balloons. The band arrives and everyone freezes; they are a local Creole band, but these five men look like they will drop dead any second - we're talking prehistoric! Hang in there, guys...
Let the games begin! Vince escorts Cindy up the aisle and hands her off to Zaine. Take her, she's yours. The deed is done and there's no going back. She looks so beautiful, tissues please...
Now it's time to receive a little reception. The band plays on, the champagne is uncorked, and the dancing begins. Zaine and Cindy gather their happy helpers together and explain, you did a great job so here's your reward! They hand over the keys to the private suite and the kids bail with anticipation. You've never seen such mega-deluxe madness! This isn't a suite, it's a mansion! With our own pool. Vince marks his territory by jumping into the water fully clothed. Everyone cannon-balls into the pool, screaming with pleasure. Now what's this? Everyone is peeling off their clothes! Everyone is naked in the pool! Jake proves he is inhibition-free by crawling out of the pool and showing off his equipment. Vince comments, "Jake, you were blessed at birth!" Nine out of ten women agree...
A knock on the front door, and a butler delivers the next clue: a huge, flaming volcano cake. Vince fishes a note out of the frosting and reads out loud, "hike into an active volcano and spend the night." Can you say human sacrifice?
Next morning, the kids hook up with their guide CLINT, and he distributes walking sticks to our brave boys and girls. Clint explains, "use this as a third leg." Doesn't Jake already have a third leg? Everyone is worried about Oscar - how can he hike with broken toes? Oscar is fearless, nothing will stop him. All spend the day hiking up to the edge of the volcano. They gaze down inside to see the fog and mist hovering over the rumbling mound - all very intimidating. How do we get down inside? Vince notices a rope dangling over the cliff. Now I get it! We must repel, backwards, into the volcano. Vince comments, "if you let go, you're dead." Don't look down...
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Episode 11
Previously: Oscar breaks two toes in a tarzan escapade aboard the Lady Jane. He bravely hobbles through a traditional Creole Wedding that the Road Rules Gang planned and then, donning his Puerto Rican T-Shirt, hoofs it to the top of... A VOLCANO!
It's one of those moments where you contemplate the meaning of life. The wind whips through your hair as you stand with your cast-mates at the edge of the volcano, looking down into the crater. Yes, we have to hike down inside now. Yes, we could die here. It's an ominous moment.
Jake is really nervous: "I've got fifty pounds on my back and Oscar has two broken toes!" Erika instructs everyone to move an inch a minute. Vince leads the way and is quickly shimmying down the life-rope, calling up to the others a play-by-play of what to watch out for. Suddenly, he slips into a vertical ditch, nearly loosing hold of the life rope. He's quickly out of the hole and back on track, but this gets everyone's blood racing. Now it's hand-over-hand, foot-behind-foot as the cast slowly work their way down the treacherous slope. Don't look down...
Vince reaches the volcano floor first, calling out "I'm down!" Soon, everyone has joined him and all are thrilled to be alive. Now it's a hike across the parched land to look for a flat spot to pitch the tents. Of course, all are trying to stay calm - remember, the volcano could blow again at any moment! And what's that over there? Those steaming, bubbling, gray areas on the side of the hill? It's a section of the volcano that's still simmering - like an open wound on your elbow that's still damp with blood. Flat land found, the tents are pitched without too much difficulty, and everyone decides it's time for bed - even though it's still light out. The evening wind nearly rips the tent stakes out of the earth. The Road Rulers can only cross their fingers and try to sleep.
Next morning, everyone wakes to find the tents are in the middle of a small lake! Seems it rained in the middle of the night. Everyone is soaking and cranky. Let's get out of here! They hike back up the mountainside and out of the volcano. They are greeted by Clint, the trail guide. He hands off another clue: you will host a love-chat radio program on the island of Grenada. Kewl! Erika is not sure she is an appropriate candidate for the mission; after all, she hasn't had sex in eight weeks!
That night on their yacht, the Lady Jane, Kalle and Jake cuddle in their private suite. Jake proclaims his love for Kalle and reminds her that if nothing changes, he can imagine spending the rest of his life with her. Kalle tries to wriggle out of Jake's arms, complaining "it's hot in here." Isn't it romantic...
The next day, Vince takes the wheel as the cast sails for Grenada. During a private chat, Vince asks Kalle if she thinks she'll stay with Jake after the show. Kalle confesses that she is unsure. Vince continues, asking Kalle, "if you had met Jake in New York and not on this trip, would you have gotten together?" Kalle quickly responds, "no, I wouldn't have liked him at all!" Up in the bow of the boat, Jake lowers his head. Vince docks the boat and the kids motor on over to GBC Radio Station, where they meet the manager, TROY. He explains, "you will produce and present a radio program." But first you need publicity, of course. The kids quickly whip up some flyers and hit the streets to get the word out.
It's show time! The kids file into the sound proof booth and take their seats at the round table - everyone has their own mic. Troy reminds everyone, NO OBSCENITY. Oscar says he wants it to be real, with comments such as "I like to have sex on the bottom while I'm really high." Okay...
Suddenly, the ON AIR box lights up and the kids are live across the country. It's introductions all around and then the calls start pouring in. But there's a problem. All of the callers have thick accents. They are speaking English, but as Vince points out, "it's like we have to know Russian to do this show." The kids are left with no choice but to make light of the situation, joking about all the confusion. A female caller condemns the program, explaining "you are insulting the people of Grenada and you should finish with your filth and leave!" Making friends around the world... Troy quickly bursts into the room to remind the cast they must be sensitive to cultural differences... to say the least!
Next caller. Hey, it's Adam Corola and Dr. Drew from the MTV show LOVELINE. The pros turn the tables and start to ask the Road Rulers some questions. Is anyone hooking up on the show, Drew wants to know. Jake and Kalle confess and Drew quickly tells them to kool it. He explains that intimacy during a journey like this can only lead to confusion and, eventually, disappointment. Adam jokingly reminds them, "you never have sex with someone you'll see the next day."
Next caller. Dad, is that you? It's Ed, Jake's pop! And he's got a clue: come home to Philly! Jake is thrilled at the turn of events. Hey Kalle, are you ready to meet Mom and Dad? Kalle gulps.
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Episode 12
Previously: Our heroes make it through the night inside a volcano, and then head to Grenada. The mission: give advice for the lovelorn on a radio call-in show. The gang make a few friends, and a few enemies, before Jake's Dad calls and tells the kids to haul butt back to Philly.
The Road Rulers pile into a waiting jet; destination Philadelphia. Erika reminds everyone we've had a fabulous seven weeks in the Caribbean, but enough is enough! Let's get back to the continent. En route, Jake whips out his laptop (that's a computer) and Kalle helps him create a college entrance essay. A smooth landing and Vince inhales crisp Philly air. No balmy breezes like Cayman, but that's OK. "It's cold and we're in America!" Land that I love...
The tikes motor on over to Jake's parent's house. It's a kewl joint - an old warehouse turned into a funky living space. Of course, mom and pop are thrilled to see their young pup. Kalle is a little nervous as her potential-future-in-laws conduct a little prying; so what will you do when you move to New York, Kalle? Our blond Venus quietly explains that first she will get a job, then she will go to school in the fall. She further explains that she already has a place to live, thanks to her friend Nicki's apartment-scouting capabilities. Pops asks Jake, what are your plans son? Jake drops the bomb, I'm moving to New York too! Now that's a new development...
After a hearty dinner, Jake escorts his road mates on a whirl wind tour of the streets of Philadelphia. Is that Bruce Springsteen singing in the background? Suddenly it starts to snow. Oscar freezes in his little Puerto Rican tracks. Our surfer dude has never seen the white stuff. He's slack-jawed, just soaking up the flakes in awe. Walking in a winter wonderland...
Next morning, mom whips up another hearty meal as dad hands over the next clue - you will audition for the New York Knicks. Wish I was a little bit taller, wish I was a baller... The boyz are thrilled, as all three of them are big hoops fans. Kalle is thrilled to be heading for the big apple - she'll be able to check out her new pad. Erika is less than excited, to say the least. Basketball holds no Magic for her (did you get that?). Kalle jumps on the phone and confesses to Nicki "I'm having a nervous breakdown!" Kalle explains that she feels she is betraying Brian's mother by spending quality time with Jake's mother. She reveals she has written Brian a letter, explaining to him that she is now happy with Jake and wants to find herself - basically: we're finished Brian!
Now it's a choo-choo train into The City that Never Sleeps. Then taxi over to Madison Square Garden and it's greetings from PETRA, the coach of the Knicks City Dancers. Did she say dancers? That's right. You're not towel boys, you're auditioning to be on the half-time dance team! Erika and Kalle are excited. The boyz dreams of court-side thrills evaporate. Sorry folks, that's the way the ball bounces...
Petra escorts the Rulers to a dance studio on the other side of the town. In a large rehearsal room, the real dancers are introduced to the cast. Let's just say it - these girls are HOT, with those perfectly toned dancer bods. The girls perform the entire number as the Roadmates watch in awe. This looks hard. Vince, especially, is very intimidated by the agility required to perform the piece. Now it's your turn.
The girls show the cast members the moves and all rehearse together. Vince calls for a time-out and conference with his travel mates. Guess what, I QUIT. Vince is outa there, claiming he feels stupid. The roadies offer their blessings, but Jake confesses he believes Vince is just copping out. Vince disappears into the clogged streets of New York as the others continue pounding out the moves.
After a long day of pulling every possible muscle, Petra calls a meeting. "You've all done a great job, but Erika is the only one who might make it. She will rehearse all day tomorrow and the rest of you will run STATS during the game." Wow!
Next morning, as her buddies lay snoring obnoxiously, Erika showers, primps, and slips into a taxi for a quick ride over to the dance studio. She spends the day hoofin' it like a pro. Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Jake and Kalle pop into Eugene Lang College to drop off the essay Kalle wrote for Jake. Er, that Kalle helped Jake write.
Later in the afternoon, all the Roaders meet up at Madison Square Garden. Erika explains that she still has to audition once more - this time in the stadium with the other dancers and without the aid of mirrors. Yikes. Petra escorts everyone to the dressing room. Kalle and Erika move into a changing area for a private girl-conference. Erika starts to cry, "I feel like an idiot, I just know I'll fail." Kalle suggests that Erika bow out now. Erika refuses. The show must go on.
In the big room, in front of 20,000 empty seats, Erika performs the number with the other dancers. She does pretty damn good! Everyone claps there heads off. Petra slowly steps to Erika and hugs her tightly - if you had two more days to practice you would be perfect. Erika is practically relieved to find she will not have to perform in front of the crowd. And yet, she quickly runs back to the dressing room and locks herself into a bathroom stall for a good cry. What an emotional day... Jake and Kalle crowd into the bathroom and try to convince Erika she should feel proud. Erika pulls herself together and everyone moves back to the stadium to enjoy the game.
At half time, Erika and Vince notice a clue that is digitally displayed on the giant score board hanging from the ceiling. A real-life soap meets a long-lived soap in Pine Valley USA - Check your local soap for details.
After the game, Petra pulls the pack aside and congratulates all for hanging in there. She hands out some cash, with an extra hundred bucks going to Erika for going the extra mile. Oh sorry Vince, you get nothing because you quit. Ouch, that smarts...
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Episode 13
Previously: During the Knicks basketball game, the Road Rulers discover a clue as it is broadcast over the enormous digital score board. Now it's off to New York City for love in the afternoon!
New York, New York. Our Road Rulers are spinning in delirium as they stroll through the impressive streets of the City-that-never-sleeps. Mirrored monoliths loom, reflecting clouds into infinity. This is the city where news and deals are made. This is the city where Kalle will hang her hat after fighting for her handsome reward. This is the island where Jake will kick it as he chases Kalle and follows his heart.
Jake and Kalle take a late-night stroll over to the apartment building where Kalle will be living while attending classes. Kalle is thrilled that Jake will finally meet her best friend, Nicki. But she's also nervous. It's time to meet her new roommates - two girls Kalle has never laid eyes on! Up the elevator, in the door, and it's introductions all around. Everyone is kewl and it's all gonna work out fine. What a relief! Jake and Nicki sneak away together for a trip to the market and an opportunity for quality bonding time. They're family, after all!
Next morning, the Roadsters are scrubbing and primping for a day on the set of All My Children. As Erika blow-dries her perfect mane, she explains she has never seen this particular soap opera: "All I know is one of the characters is attractive and bitchy and named Erica - how appropriate!" She said it, not me...
At ABC Studios, the Roadsters are met by JUDY BLYE WILSON, casting director for All My Children. Judy explains the drill - this morning you audition! Three of you will receive parts on the show. The two who are cut will spend the day as gophers-to-the-stars. That translates into assistants to MARK and KELLY. Who are Mark and Kelly? Real life husband and wife who play lovers Mateo and Hayley on the show.
Judy leads the nervous actors-in-waiting to, what else, the waiting area. She hands out scripts, explaining "you've got fifteen minutes to practice." Put on your DeNiro, pull on your Demi...
Times up! Judy escorts Vince into a large closet and positions him in front of a small video camera. Now, lets run those lines! Vince delivers a fine performance, but Judy is not impressed. She asks him to read again, only this time "really sell it." Next up, Erika. She confesses, "I feel stupid." Now it's Oscar; he stutters with nervousness. Kalle steps before the lens, confessing that she feels like an idiot. Now Jake, who offers a stellar audition. Of course, Jake believes he's nabbed the part - no question. I'd like to thank the members of the Academy...
After holing up in her office for a few moments, Judy reappears to deliver the verdict. Erika, Oscar, and Vince will smile for the cameras, while Jake and Kalle will go-for anything Kelly or Mark desire. Kalle quietly confesses that she is jealous of the others. Judy explains that Kalle was cut from the cast because she looks too much like Kelly. It's no reflection on your talent, baby. Jake reveals that his ego is literally shattered. Sorry Jake, there's no glue strong enough to repair that...
Vince, Oscar, and Erika are whisked off to the wardrobe department while Jake and Kalle are shoved into Kelly's dressing room to sort fan mail. As the gophers skim letters from stalkers and gawkers, the actors are fitted into their "waitress" uniforms. Next, our little soap bubbles are escorted to the makeup department to get their pancake applied. Back in the dressing room, Jake and Kalle share a French toast lunch with Kelly and Mark.
Erika, Vince and Oscar are escorted onto the set. Erika admits she is not nervous at all. Vince confesses he is terrified.
Oscar is speechless. Rolling! Erika and Vince walk on and walk off, don't blink or you'll miss them. Lucky Oscar actually delivers a line. That means he actually gets paid! Hey, this acting stuff is pretty cool! Meanwhile, Jake and Kalle are dashing all over the city, running errands for Kelly and Mark. Buy pickles. Pick out fresh lemons. Retrieve the baby's clothes from store. Baby's clothes? That's right, Kelly is pregnant! Kalle and Jake are happy to help out, recognizing Kelly as a really kewl chick - not stuck up at all! Jake suggests they buy Kelly a stuffed animal. For the baby, of course.
Back at stars' fabulous penthouse apartment, Jake and Kalle present Mark and Kelly with the loot. The couple just love the stuffed animal! Kelly woofs down a pickle andbconfesses she needs the happy couple to run just one more errand. "Go get me a hot dog from the stand on the corner of 66th and Columbus." Remember, she's eating for two Maybe three...
Jake and Kalle hot foot it to the hot dog stand, where they are met by Erika, Oscar, and Vincent. What are you doing here? Seems Judy sent the actors on a hunt for an afternoon snack. The little-old-lady running the hot dog stand hands over the food - but this ain't no dog in a bun.
It's a severed human foot! Now that's an Achilles heel. And there's writing on it! "Walk through fire in battery park to claim your handsome reward." Fire walk with me...
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Episode 14
The last mission is a doozy: walk over hot coals... barefoot!! After a short training session the kids make their painful jog with ease! At the end of the fire walk the crew is given a last night together in luxurious Trump Tower. After a feast they find out about their handsome reward: a semester at sea! Erika begins to cry... she just wants to go home. The next day, some dry eyed and some teary eyed, the Road Rules Islands cast part ways to pursue their futures... a little wiser and a little older, and with a bundle of Island Memories
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