And on the third episode of season eight, the blessed Jebuslug came into being...
And He was pulled from the back of a hitchhiker's spine, and inserted into a new host. And Agent Scully wept and her wailing rent the desert air, for she was mightily afraid. But the Cultists tried to soothe her, telling her to have great joy, for soon she would be one with our blessed Jebuslug. Still, she struggled, tied to the bed as our Lord made his holy way up her vertebrae.
And then, on the second day, a man named John Doggett came into the desert, and LO! He pulled the blessed Jebuslug from Agent Scully's spine and shot Him. And the Jebuslug died in ignominy, covered in grime from the floor of the Bus.
But then, on the next Sunday, a miracle occurred! The Jebuslug, left for crow fodder in the desert, rose again in glory and now sits on high so that HE might bring order His righteous judgment on the characters of Agents Scully and Doggett and those who write them.
And Chris Carter was sore afraid.
Season Nine
Nothing Important Happened Today Part 1
Nothing Important Happened Today Part 2
Season Eight
Via Negativa Sure Kill Salvage Badlaa
This is Not Happening DeadAlive Three Words Empedocles
Vienen Alone Essence Existence
THE MIGHTY JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
And yea, I was brought into being in this episode which makes it the holiest and most blessed of all videotape, on equal par with all footage of Yul Brenner in the "Ten Commandments"! Hark and listen to how wonderful my Life on earth was! My Cultists worshipped Me and brought My Holy Slug-self many hosts on which I divinely fed, partaking of their brains for my blessed nourishment. In turn, I brought them peace and happiness and left them crippled. But LO! My followers considered it a small price to pay and they were happy with Me and I with them.
But then, Mine followers brought the red-haired one called "Scully". She appeared to Me as manna in the desert, she was a Slug of Sharon in My eye stalks. And I beheld her and yearned to drill her spine and make us One together. And Scully desired it too, for she willingly gave her weapon over to The Current Host and surrendered in that moment her earthy life, turning her thoughts to higher things. And My followers caught her and held her and, ignoring her shrieks of worldly pain, I began the Holy pilgrimage to her brain. I called to her as I chewed my way into her back and told her, "O My dove, that art in the secret places of the vertebrae, let Me munch thy brainstem, let Me find gray matter; for sweet is thy gray matter, and thy spine is comely."
Then entered Satan into John surnamed Doggett, being the number two of Scully's partners. And he came into the desert and talked with the chief priests, but they knew him to be unworthy and told him naught of Agent Scully. And John surnamed Doggett sought opportunity to find Agent Scully and then pulled Me out of my beloved's spine and threw My Holy Slug-self on the floor of our most righteous Bus.
And the Cultists came forward and begged John surnamed Doggett. And My followers said, Why, what evil hath our Slug done? But Doggett did not cry out, and instead pulled his oily weapon and shot Me where as I lie helpless on the floor, a sacrifice for all Slugs everywhere. And on the following Sunday, I arose and 1013 will give account to Me who is ready to judge the mytharc or lack thereof in each episode to come.
Season without end.
Amen.
THE MIGHTY JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
Blessed are the Children that don't really exist, for we have seen this plot device before! Yea, though they might not come to you in Star Light, it is the will of 1013 that all dead children shall rise from the grave and confront their families so that they might be avenged or at least given a proper burial.
And it was the judgment of the producers that John surnamed Doggett should be pushy and try to solve cases at all costs. And it is in My mind that Agent Scully must be most exasperated at John surnamed Doggett's cop-in-a-can character behavior as well as with the costumers, for LO! After seven years of nicely fitting suits, they have put her in nothing but tight t-shirts since her pregnancy has been announced. And the Jebuslug twitches one eye-stalk at the thought of what sort of spandex bikini they will squeeze the Scully Madonna in by month nine of her blessed condition.
It is also the will of 1013 that all partners of the one called Scully shall have shady pasts and be afflicted with dilemmas that concern missing children. For John surnamed Doggett shewed the Viewers a portrait of a child and the writers left this child's relationship with John surnamed Doggett shrouded in mystery. And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land as the fans are left to wonder if the child shall ever be mentioned again or be left unexplained, going the fate of characters such as Charles Scully, fading slowly out of mind and out of memory?
And the Jebuslug thought that all might be damned who regurgitated plots done before and took pleasure in cliché. For it is overdone in His Eyestalks when blonde and blue-eyed children actors, who looketh like they have escaped from the set of "Children of the Corn", play questionable evil kiddies. And there was great wailing and the Jebuslug curled in a ball when any trailer scene came on as the representatives of those who lived there should have been in a Tim Burton cartoon instead of a television show called "The X-Files".
For the episode left the Jebuslug meditating on things to come and asking His followers truly, "What is your judgment?" and they answered all in one voice, "This episode deserves death." And the Jebuslug agreed and thought it good that He and His people were of one mind. And there was much rejoicing in the land that the episode was over but the Jebuslug and his followers prayed that Chris Carter would deliver next week, thus laying up for themselves a good foundation for the future, that they may might look forward to the X-Files as the television show of television shows as it should be indeed.
THE MIGHTY JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
And Lo!
I said to my disciples. For look! There is granted unto us a new television show
on the night following the Sabbath. And it has an actor upon whom I look with
favor, for he has performed well in such entertainments in the past, such as
"Brother from Another Planet" and "Lone Star". And so I
communed with My followers and remarked upon the interest of this new television
show.
But
hark! There came unto My presence an emissary who corrected me. "It is the
X-Files, O most holy Jebuslug." And Mine eyes were opened unto the Truth.
For
howsoever it hath happened, although Joe Morton was indeed in every holy scene
of this television show, it was indeed "The X-Files" for if I watched
with divine and slug-like attention, it was indeed possible to see My erstwhile
Host, the Red-haired one known as "Agent Scully" for lo! as many as
two or even three minutes at a time during the episode. And I thought that it
was a shame, for I had thought that this was The Season of Scully and that
thereby We would be treated to much Scullyness.
Alas,
this was not to be, even though I was pleased that the Costumer had seen the
light of my displeasure and had stopped dressing My erstwhile Host in clothes
better suited to arousing the carnal lusts of her office-mates. For indeed, My
erstwhile Host is in rather a pickle as a result of those carnal lusts, even if
she has retained her slim figure these many months while she breeds.
Howsoever
the lack of the red-haired one, and the most effulgent presence of John surnamed
Doggett, My sluglike divinity is most pleased in My servants at 1013. For My
divine antennae have discerned a theme of sin, penance, and atonement in this,
the episode numbered five in the season numbered eight of "The
X-Files."
It came
to pass that Martin Welles, an attorney of Baltimore, did become over-zealous in
the pursuit of his duty, and he did render unto Caesar that which was not his to
render. To wit, he ignored exonerating evidence, and thus did the innocent
suffer as did the guilty, but the innocent man hanged himself. The innocent, as
they so oft do, had a brother, and the brother, wroth at Attorney Martin, did
enter into Martin's dwelling and take a blade to the throat of Martin's wife in
revenge for the death of the innocent man. And lo! Martin was taken into custody
for the death of his wife, and was then killed by his father-in-law, who waxed
mad with grief at the loss of his daughter.
But
Martin was given a second chance by Myself, as I desired to see what would
happen were the story to run backwards. For I had been reading T.H. White and
enjoying the concept of living backwards. And thus it came to pass, that Martin
lived his days backward in time for a week, while all those about him lived
their days forward in time. Indeed, upon consultation with my most beloved
followers, I did inflict artistically slow-mo visions of Martin's wife's murder
upon poor Martin, and did also cause portions of the vision to run backwards, to
further hint to Martin and the viewing public that he was living backward in
time.
Therefore
did it come to pass that Martin meditated upon his sins, and came to realize
that his own transgressions did reflect upon him, and cause tragedy and grief to
fall upon him and his beloved. Thus, in the fullness of backwards-running-time,
did Martin accept the consequences of his misdeeds, in confessing to John
surnamed Doggett. And his friend, although having no concerns about violating
the confidentiality of juvenile records in the previous week's episode, lost no
time in reporting the transgressions of Martin to the authorities.
I am
well pleased in my follower John, for lo! although in any other circumstance the
suppression of such evidence might result in disciplinary action or possibly
disbarment, Martin does now suffer the full force of my displeasure and atones
most penitently in a penitentiary with a disgusting toilet/sink combination.
It is
good that I am an Old-Testament Slug, for one of those wimpy New Testament Slugs
with a shell on His back would have prevented unnecessary deaths by allowing
Martin to travel all the way back to the point at which he made the choice to
follow Evil. But I am a parochial, tribal Slug, and thus I cannot be bothered to
fix every mistake made by my followers. For hark! if I were perfect My servant
Martin would not have erred in the first place, and where would be the fun in
that?
I have
spoken.
So let
it be slimed, so let it be done.
THE MIGHTY JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
And the
JebuSlug sayeth, "Let there be the Sacred Chairs of Music," and it was
so.
And thus
did Skinner midnamed Sergei take upon himself a new visage and mind and didst he
become like he named Mulder in the sorrowful absence of He Who Protecteth the
Sacred Vessel. And thus didst the Three Who Are One share with Skinner midnamed
Sergei the woeful responsibility of fulfilling the mournful abyss left behind by
he surnamed Mulder by their offerings of information and their utterances of
glib nothings. And thus did John surnamed Doggett take upon himself the role of
the Sacred Vessel herself, repudiating the world of the unseen whilst in his
secret heart fearing it as true. And thus didst the Sacred Vessel herself, the
holy Scully, find herself without a Sacred Chair of Music, and was thus
compelled to leave the round without playing.
And yea,
when the Sacred Music didst begin again to play, didst the players change their
Sacred Chairs of Music. And thus didst Skinner midnamed Sergei begin to doubt
his own ideas and undertook to take orders from a lowly agent, and thus didst
John surnamed Doggett begin to believe in that which he had previously disdained
and undertook to give orders to a superior. And in this, didst John surnamed
Doggett himself call upon a superior as "Agent Skinner", for lo, he
who appeared as Skinner midnamed Sergei must have instead been a minion of
Satan, for he himself held his sacred badge of office upside down, in the
position of The Lord of Lies. And thus didst the Three Who Are One become
chairless and vanished again into the ether, not to be seen until their
Midseason Replacement series commenceth to air at the dawning of the new year.
And yea,
didst the JebuSlug witness with Its own holy eyestalks the wicked John surnamed
Doggett take his first steps down the road to redemption, for he didst follow
the divine commandment, "Thou shalt have no other Slug before Me." And
verily didst he refuse the divinity of the false god, for as it is written,
"He who plumbeth the darkness within doth not find salvation, only death
and explicit violence unsuitable for children under the age of twelve." And
it was so.
And in
the fullness of time, didst the Sacred Vessel appear in the home of John
surnamed Doggett, and didst she witness him in a state of near-undress, but the
Sacred Vessel was not to be tempted. Nay, she of the tasty spine preached the
holy word of the JebuSlug, in good and honest missionary work, decrying the
false savior's power.
And
though the Timestamps of Spotnitz didst themselves speak shameful lies, the
JebuSlug was pleased. For though the parable itself took upon itself a heathen
villain very like Freddy surnamed Kruger, and yea though the sudden and
long-awaited appearance of the Three Who Are One didst do little but presage the
airing of their own selfsame parables, yea verily the tale was yet a message of
good, for the only true cult of the divine is that of worship to Me. Let all
other heathen cults suffer the selfsame violence and gory deaths, for they
knoweth not The Truth of salvation in the JebuSlug.
THE MIGHTY JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
And the
words of the Jebuslug were heard in the very halls of 1013, and
he did say "Behold, and take note, for the legally blind shall
occasionally forget their sight limitations, the skeptics shall
half-heartedly believe, and psychic
flashes shall be given to law enforcement so that their
duties may be less onerous and not interfere with the plot."
And so
it came to pass, that a man was shot in the very police station that sought to protect him by throwing him in the Yellow Cube
of Doom, and his blood ran thick
and red against the window without trace of brain.
Take heed, unbelievers, for those who do not hear the words of the
Jebuslug are similarly without gray
matter. And the police were granted
a vision from Our Slimy Master and called
the FBI without investigating anything themselves first, for they knew already
that such matters were beyond their
ken.
So did
the Chosen of the Lord, she named Scully, appear in all her glory, and did hold up an x-ray so that we might remember that she
used to perform acts of the medical
profession, and did wax forth upon subjects such as weapons which could see
heat, but nowhere did she mention that bullets might
veer from their target whilst smashing through walls, for upon this
plot hold did the entire episode rest.
And the eyes of the Jebuslug were opened,
and he did emit a mighty Roar, for though she did look as a fashion model, this
Scully was not as Scully of old, but instead a feeble imitation of
he who was taken, called Mulder.
And
while Our Lord was so occupied in his righteous wrath, a dull tale was wrought upon the screen with the actions of three worthless
characters taking central stage. So
dull were the twin brothers and the object of their desire that the Jebuslug did
let his holy attention slip, and took
a moment to bring about a salt shortage in his Chosen City of Chicago,
that his next incarnation might occur in a place where Our Lord might
find a decent Bloody Mary.
Then did
the Enemy of our Lord, John surnamed Doggett, accompany Scully to the scene of a crime, and there he did disrupt evidence
and was so granted his first Holy Flash
of Insight, that the plot might move along in the absence of suspense or logical
thought. And when the next
pointless crime had been committed in the
manner which the entire audience had already surmised, so did the Chosen of the
Lord raise her voice in blatant imitation
of her missing consort, and the Enemy of our Lord was left to play
skeptic and mouth the Chosen One's lines of old.
And so
did the plot continue at a pace as that of turtles, in spite the Holy Flashes of Insight granted to John surnamed Doggett and even,
in a pinch, to the Chosen One.
Though the minions of Carter might attempt to liven up
the scene with high flames and partial nudity, no entertainment was there
to be found except for the sight of the dull woman's bare back, which Our
Lord found to be captivating in the extreme for purely artistic purposes.
And lo!
despite the Chosen One's fine imitation of her missing consort, the FBI was proven powerless to move against the three dullest
criminals in the history of
Massachusetts, and the interminable plot did wind on until
the Seer of the X-Rays did kill his brother, and turn himself in for no
reason. Yet did the episode not end, but continue on with a sappy speech
which none saw coming and which
none did care about, for the meaning was lost upon
the public and upon the actors, and did little to wake Our Lord from his
slumber, for he had fallen asleep during the climax and none did dare
to wake him.
Hark and
pay heed, O believers: walk softly and carry not a big stick, for he who wakes our Lord from his slumber will bring down upon his
own head the wrath which should rightfully be turned upon the minions of Carter.
THE JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
And lo,
when the program of television which claims to be the X-Files again appeared
upon the screen, and He did see that again it was filled with unknown characters
about whom we were supposed to care, the Jebuslug waxed wroth and trembled,
jelly-like upon his davenport. The
Weak-willed Widow and the One-whose-head-was-bowled were of little interest in
his eyestalks. Yet, there was a
mighty car-accident, and the Jebuslug took heed in case something of interest
was to occur.
But
alas, the Writers of 1013 did carry on apace, and forget the laws of physics and
in time did shun those also of chemistry and biology as well, and Jebuslug wept
to see that the system of American Education continued to be so sub-standard.
Yet
soon, the sacred Host appeared, and with her was John surnamed Doggett and the
Jebuslug grew interested despite the sweater that covered every bit of the
Host’s neck. And then the Jebslug
did note, as she examined the destroyed car in the manner of one who has never
done such things before, that her hair appeared fairly pink in the light.
And he wondered at the ineptitude of the mighty Clairol, that it should
design a product so deficient in keeping the Host’s hair a color that might
actually have been produced by human follicles.
And thus
the Host did point out the physics-defying footprints in the asphalt, and the
Jebuslug again waxed wroth. And the
Host did again channel the spirit of her missing Consort and did mouth his
former lines. And John surnamed
Doggett taunted the Host, saying "I wouldn’t want to ruin your belief
with ugly facts," as though facts had been presented, and the Jebuslug was
confused and His eyestalks did tremble in consternation.
Thus did
the plot plod on apace with much dull discussion by John surnamed Doggett, until
for some unnamed reason the Host began rooting through the plastic receptacles
of trash, and thus did discover the body of the One-whose-head-was-bowled. Considering
how little aptitude for investigation the Host and John surnamed Doggett do show
us from week to week, the Jebuslug finds it miraculous in His eyestalks that the
Host would go digging through nearby trash bins in search of dead bodies, but
the minds of the Writers of 1013 continue to mystify Him in their continued
illogic, so He grumbled and sat back to watch more in hopes of another car wreck
of interest.
But the
Host did turn once more to her former profession and did mouth the obvious and
useless information that the One-whose-head-was-bowled had died from the
bowling, though he had been alive at the time of the car crash, which we already
had seen in the teaser and thus were forced to sit through again, though the
information had already been presented.
But
alas, there was more dull interaction by characters about which the Jebuslug
could not bring Himself to care, including the Hardened Woman of Halfwayhouse,
the Dripping Metal Man and the Weak-willed Widow.
And lo,
Dripping Metal Man killed once more, and defied the laws of physics.
For though he could not be
moved a single inch by a speeding Buick from the 70s, he could be blown
backwards by the double-barreled blast of a single shotgun.
And thus, his arm was severed and it was unnecessarily gory to keep the
audience interested.
And the
Host was shown after this, apparently still autopsying the
One-whose-head-was-bowled, though it seemed to be days later.
And the Jebuslug did admire her stamina and long for the embrace of her
sacred vertebra once more. Jebuslug wept.
Then did
John surnamed Doggett go to Chamber technologies and meet the
Designer-of-metals. And the
Designer-of-metals gave a ridiculous and implausible explanation for said
"smart metals" that defied the laws of nature more than did
silicon-based life forms in Original Series Star Trek. And
John surnamed Doggett seemed strangely fascinated by this dull talk of biologic
metals but then shook off his mesmerization to DIAL his cell phone and call the
Host. Perhaps John surnamed
Doggett’s grasp of technology is so slight, as evidenced by the fact he cannot
program his cell phone to call his partner at one-touch, that this talk of
unnatural metals did confuse him until he resembled a deer in headlights for a
time.
Or
perhaps it was merely a device of the Writers of 1013 to attempt to amuse us by
being self-referencing, though the plot was even less believable than that of
Terminator II. Either way, it is
dull in the eyes of the Jebuslug.
Then did
the Jebuslug receive a great deal of unnecessary information about the Dripping
Metal Man’s health and learned he had been made thus through contaminants,
reminding the Jebuslug of that fine cinematic achievement C.H.U.D. and causing
Him to give forth an enormous yawn.
Then did
the Host and John surnamed Doggett lay a trap to capture the Dripping Metal Man
in a mighty metal chamber. Thus
they did, with the help of the Designer of Metals, which seemed pretty smart to
the Jebuslug and He again took interest, until the Dripping Metal Man stopped
pounding on the door and John surnamed Doggett showed another flash of immense
stupidity and cried "Open it up!"
Fortunately, the Dripping Metal Man had simply run away rather than
bowling with the head of John surnamed Doggett, which was a mighty lucky stroke
for John surnamed Doggett on the part of the Writers of 1013.
Then was
John surnamed Doggett himself struck with a flash of insight belonging to the
Host’s missing Consort, causing him to look inside an unassuming oil drum amid
many other such drums at the Yard of Salvage and lo, did he find the body of
another Doctor of Implausible Metal Design inside, when all the while the
Jebuslug hoped it would be the Ark of the Covenant.
Then was
the Jebuslug momentarily distracted and lulled by the stolen Chopin riffs of
Snow and He floated on waves of melancholy wishing something interesting would
occur.
Then was
the Weak-willed Widow used by the Dripping Metal Man, and the Hardened Woman of
Halfway House slain by the same. And
thus did Dripping Metal Man spare the life of the Accountant of Waste Invoices
and crawl off to suicide by car crusher while the Host and John surnamed Doggett
mouthed empty platitudes about humanity all the while not searching for the
suspect still at large.
And the Jebuslug was saddened by their lack of interest in the performance of their jobs, and did wish that the Writers of 1013 be raised and sewn with salt and new ones hired that could, indeed, write a decent episode of the X-Files, that might, perhaps, be in character and of interest. The current writing staff is not fit to lick the Jebuslug’s holy slime trail and the Jebuslug is mightily wroth with them.
THE JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
For Lo! On the Seventh Day, a miracle occurred. For the Eyestalks of the Jebuslug beheld a show that seemed much like a show formerly called the X-Files, with plot, form and angst. Yet there was much confusion as the most Holy Jebuslug thought that He continued to watch "Malcolm in the Middle" for a while and not the "X-Files" due to the repetitious casting of one blonde boy. And the Jebuslug most heartily desired that the blonde one be punished in the "X-Files" for all the heinous untruths he spread about poor Malcolm in the first show and was pleased to see him mightily tortured.
And the Jebuslug shone his benevolent countenance on the episode as it featured Holy Men low to the ground as is Himself. Blessed are those who scoot about on boards and elude cavity searches to find a new and promised land to exact their unknown or unexplained revenge! Blessed are those that cloak the Chosen One in baggy clothing as they may be alluding to her Madonna state! Blessed are the writers that give Scully, my Chosen One, angst over her missing partner, for they shall be called continuity providers and shall be most rewarded in My Kingdom!
Slimetrails in the Highest!
And the Jebuslug shot slime at John surnamed Doggett as he was still the master of the quip in this episode, spouting many lines that might have belonged to the Chosen One in another season. And the Jebuslug wept because just when the writers seemeth to getteth a clue, John surnamed Doggett speaketh a line that causes him to sound yea mightily like Columbo circa 1977.
But verily, the Jebuslug was pleased with the episode and waits to judge the mytharc and the missing when they return in sweeps. And should Carter and his minions at 1013 make a mockery of the Jebuslug's patience, there will be a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land.
THE JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
Ye of
little faith might have quailed with faint hearts at the return of the prodigal
Mulder. But JebusSlug did not, for he is wise and knows well the ways of 1013.
The way of Carter is a narrow one, and to walk it, you must be a cock-tease and
show only the least amount the holy contract will allow. So it was that revealed
onto the viewer was the back of the prodigal son's head, and scant few moments
to look upon the face of he whom once the show revolved about.
It was
then the righteous sword of Jebus aborting, with the holy boot knife of
purgation, John of Doggett, took the stage and held it. And lo, the "Doggett
and Skinner Monster Hunting Fun Hour" did commence. And JebusSlug watched
it and it was good.
Lacking
a brain or, verily, even a spinal cord, the holy slimy savior was somewhat
puzzled by the timeline and the nature of things. But it works naught to wax
wroth over such things, and the Lord made Slug chose to enjoy the ride as best
he could. Know this, however. The divine slug was not pleased at seeing a mere
glance of the Sacred Vessel Who Sacrificed Her Tattoo That I May Live, in a
flashback no less.
John of
Doggett workest the tasks of searching Mulder's former cell, and much porn was
revealed. Leavingest no stone unturned, John of Doggett found a weapon of
smallness near the trash, bringing the count of Mulder's guns to one and one.
But it was a tiny, stunted thing, and John of Doggett held it in contempt as the
weapon of a pharasee, it not hathing the badassity of a boot knife.
And
verily the investigation proceeded in the grand 1013 circle of confusion, as the
wicked locals stonewalled the chosen prophets, and blessed serendipity come
forth like a gentle rain to reveal all. And it was icky. And there was the sign
of the X within a circle, a cross within a wheel. And JebusSlug marveled that he
may have wandered into an "X-Men" crossover.
As the
Proto-Prophet-People-Eater approached the woman who was no actress and was naked
as she had entered the Kingdom of Heaven, JebusSlug recoiled with thoughts of,
"Oy vey, verily she is going to make the beast with two backs with this
thing." And JebusSlug knew he was stealing from Shakespeare, but
Shakespeare had looted the temples of scripture often enough in his day. But it
was not this day that she was to know the creature, instead he had cometh onto
her to dine on her flesh. And it was gross.
JebusSlug
could not believe the Proto-People Eater had eaten the whole thing. But verily
he had, and it was good. Then verily the Proto-Prophet-People eater stole
the JebusSlug's gig, raising forth the dead to life. Tempered was this by the
truth of the nature of the resurrection and the truth of it's disgustingness
makes even slugs wish to distance themselves from it.
And out
of the eater came forth meat, and from the man beast came forth people. And so
into the holy sepulcher Jello-person-mold did he vomit. And so doth the vomit
congeal and bring forth people. And so is the audience disgusted.
And lo!
The locals worked to bring down the temple that was John of Doggett, and did
shoot him with their guns. And lo! He did not melt back into a silvery puddle,
mostly falling over to be consumed and vomited forth again into a puddle of ick.
And
JebusSlug noted that John of Doggett was covered in slime, as a newborn babe or
a slug. And it was good.
Hark, ye
of little faith, and note ye well the continuing series of clear birth images
the man Carter has wrought into this season. Perversions of the birth act are
present everywhere, and it is all signs and wonders to behold. The time of
reckoning is at hand, when the holy trail of slime will slowly inch its way
across the heavens. Be warned, and be ready for the coming of the Sprog.
THE JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
In the days of the new millenium was a wager made in the halls of
1013 that an episode could not be written that would marry the X-
Files to the format of Star Trek: The Next Generation. And lo, was
it written, and lo, was it made, and lo, some writer did win five
bucks with which to buy a beer.
And Our Lord did look on, and decreed that this might go forward if
the episode would center around slime. And so it was, and did the
slime glow in the dark in the way of some kinds of Silly Putty. And it was good.
The stock mysterious planet of ancient sci-fi vintage became the underground tunnels of the Boston subway, and, as on the Trek of Stars, so was the "captain" required to stay in the command center for shadowy reasons of her own and watch the action upon a large screen, and commune with the away team via communicators in the time-honored fashion, and listen them report in upon the findings they made with their small scientific scanners, and watch the designated red-shirt members of the team be duly attacked by the strange glowy slime. And, as in the Trek of Stars, our most holy Jebuslug did make occur a warp of time, that the characters might comment on the winter
weather and Survivor II a week after establishing that the Sacred Vessel, she named Scully, was made with child in the month of May.
And they did find that the magical green slime was actually sea
water, and the Jebuslug did scowl in consernation, for the salt of the sea water is anathema to His Holy Majesty.
And lo, to make things easier on the writers and the audience, Our Lord did decree that there shall be used another stock character of the Trek of Stars: the Man of Great Importance whose mission it is to impede our heroes, yea verily, and to impose upon them a sense of urgency so that the plot might hasten itself. So greatly effective was this device that even the Chosen Vessel of Our Lord was fooled, and did not draw her gun or otherwise assult the great buffoon as he so vastly deserved, but instead wandered away from the big giant
screen to fight with him, which left John surnamed Doggett without supervision long enough for him to get into mortal danger, which was meet and good in the eyes of Our Lord.
And it occurred to Our Lord that in this Trekkian idyll there had not yet been an allusion to pregnancy or birth, and He said, "Let there be a big honkin' Freudian metaphor!" And there was. A Carterian child of bland face and blank look did appear in the tunnel, and there did he serve no special purpose other than to act as the right arm of the Jebuslug and spur the Chosen Vessel to comprehend the nature of the glowy green threat, despite his silence.
And then did Doggett leap in front of a train, and the Jebuslug was pleased. But it came to pass that John surnamed Doggett was not killed by the train sent by the Man of Great Importance, and had instead electrocuted the glowy green saltwater threat. And the Jebuslug was pissed. And lo, there was a followup scene of great hilarity as Doggett narrowly avoided making a moon of his posterior to the Chosen Vessel, and in which he rightly nnounced the superiority of the Chosen Vessel and his own correct role as her base and humble servant. And the Jebuslug was pleased once more, and dismissed the seeming of the Trek of Stars, and ordered some pizza.
THE JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
And lo, the followers of the Jebuslug did rouse Him from his slumber, crying, "Lord, Lord, there is a new X-Files episode on tonight." And did Our Lord wax wrathful, saying unto them, "I am tired and wish to sleep, and such a thing is not worth my effort." But these His followers did persist, and nsisted, "The previews are saying that Mulder will be in this episode!" And the Jebuslug did stir, and ponder these things, and said unto His followers as He turned on the TV, "This had better not be another cocktease episode, or I shall be very put out."
But such hopes were not to be realized.
So did there appear upon the screen the nightmare of every pregnant
woman, including the cameo appearance of a husband whose brains were not located, as is seemly and meet, inside the glorious confines of his skull, but rather in his posterior regions. And so was born a squirmy, slime-covered alien baby from the womb of this most human woman, and Our Lord did sit up and take notice, for so was He cut from the body of his Sacred Vessel, and Our Lord did wait intently for the alien baby to be hurled across the floor and shot, but instead the doctors did cradle the mutant infant and did snorfle the slime from its almond-shaped nostrils. And lo, the Jebuslug was irked.
Now did the aforementioned ass-brained husband appear in the Basement Office of Renown, and did tell to the Sacred Vessel and to John surnamed Doggett his tale of woe, explaining furthermore that his wife had been repeatedly abducted by aliens, and had been subjected to tests exactly like those of the Sacred Vessel herself. And the Sacred Vessel did pooh-pooh the idea, and did wave the man aside, and John surnamed Doggett did play exposition Fairy and explain that this had been her history as well, except for the baby.
And so did begin a comedy of errors which in a show of lighter heart
would be a typical "finding out" episode, so thin and convoluted was the plot. The Sacred Vessel trusted not her erstwhile partner with her secret, but did speak cryptically and leave Skinner midnamed Sergei to cover her tracks for her. And it was found that My Chosen One's doctor was not a trustworthy physician, as she had thought, but an untrustworthy bastard who kept a shrine of mutant fetuses in an unlocked room in the hopes that pregnant women would wander in whilst looking for the ladies' room and get a little scare. And did we find that he was not the only one who didn't lock door, for every time the Sacred Scully entered her own apartment she did leave the lock unlocked and hang a little sign outside saying "50,000 psychos served" for obviously she has simply given up on trying to keep the unwanted invaders out.
And yet joy was in Our Lord's heart when he was given at last an
explanation for the stomach flatness of My Beloved, for the doctor did explain for our benefit that the Sacred Vessel was only sixteen weeks into her holy pregnancy. And did the Jebuslug exclaim, "Chris Carter is a bloody idiot." And His followers did nod, for Our Lord spoke a great truth.
Thus was given to us a few paltry flashback scenes with the missing Consort of the Sacred Vessel, the one called Mulder, who appeared strangely puffy from his long vacation and slightly off in his vaunted chemistry with the Sacred Vessel, and who danced his part in the Comedy, by agreeing to breed with the Sacred Vessel in the purest union of all, the Petri Dish of Coyness. Yet the breeding did not take, and was the Jebuslug left to ponder further on the fathering of the ScullySprog, for closure and answers have little place within the writing of 1013.
And John surnamed Doggett was granted a consistent character at long
last and was amusing and self-depreciating in several scenes, and the Jebuslug was entertained in spite of himself. But lo, did The Most Beloved and Sacred Scully act as though she was not a vessel of sacredness but as a stupid ass, and did no scientific research of her own, but trusted instead her psychotic doctor, and the wearer of the Low Hair-Bun of Evil, who played a sonogram which was not Live, it was Memorex. And did the Blessed Scully run, and take with her the woman in labor, and did shamefully trust in the double agents which John surnamed Doggett had set upon her trail, and did neglect to defend herself or the woman in her care.
And the Jebuslug did weep anew at this gross misrepresentation of
women in general and FBI agents in particular, for it used to be that the Sacred Vessel could kick unholy ass, but now that she is with child she is portrayed as both brainless and helpless, which are vile slanders upon the character that once was known as "Scully".
And lo, it was the Sacred Vessel's turn to end up in the hospital,
and awake with Doggett o'er her, and find that Doggett now knew of her pregnancy without her having to do something so prosaic as to actually tell him. And so did they vow to continue the search for The Blessed Vessel's missing consort, despite having done jacketh-shit to look for him in the entire season to this point.
And did Our Lord curse the name of Chris Carter, and the name of
Frank Spotnitz, and a plague of locusts decended upon L.A. But
nobody noticed, for the City of Angels experiences plagues of varying kinds many times a week, and such things are normal.
And Jebuslug sighed, and went looking for a rerun of The Tick.
THE JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
And on the third weekend of sweeps, the most Holy Jebuslug, who has come to judge the writers and the former surfer brain-dead, woke up to discover the television show called the X-Files was on again. And as He watched the
episode, He said to Himself many
times along with the characters on the screen, "This is not happening."
But LO!
Those called 1013 Writers decreed that the ones abducted by aliens should eschew the past history of having bits of metal and chips placed in their bodies and instead be tortured by having metal hooks in the face. And the Jebuslug sublimely wondered at the reasoning of this until He ordained that last
week's chronicle be placed within the Holy VCR. After viewing the said episode, He decreed that Season One DVD's be placed within the Holy DVD Tray. And after much comparison, the Jebuslug grew wise in the ways of 1013 and forgave them, for He saw that for once, they had no choice but to use hooks instead of metal implants.
For sloth is a sin in the eyes of the Jebuslug, for although He is slugly, He hath been know to lifteth sacred weights as chewing spines doth not burn enough calories to suit His Great Mind. And He, in Infinite Wisdom saw The Truth. 1013 hath chosen this method of torture so as to stretch the face and hide the sloth that had occurred in the Missing One's sabbatical; camouflaging his eating of the Doritos and the channel surfing whilst babysitting his young one. For blessed is the name of SlimFast and it and Duchovny should become as one.
And there was an uproar amongst the Seraslime and Cherubslime to view a new female on the show, who took leaps of faith just as He Who is Missing did in the past. And the Jebuslug wept to see his Chosen One grow claws and fangs when this Priestess of Feel-Good appeared, spouting psychobabble and contradictions.
For the Bus Driver on His Slimiest's Right leaned forward and pointed out the use of tobacco once more within the show and thought that the character was to be the Light version of He Who Rode a Wheelchair to Glory. But verily, the Jebuslug bent his mighty eye-stalk to the new female and deemed her spine might prove too weak to be part of what was once a great and powerful television show, yet see His greatness! For He will not pass judgment on the new character until Season's End. And Annabeth Gish's knees grew weak at the Jebuslug's decision and she did know the Jebuslug is merciful!
Hosanna in the Slimiest!
Cursed is John surnamed Doggett for dragging the Blessed Vessel whom the Jebuslug in His supreme Wisdom, understanding her love of high heels, has granted the Never-Showing-Pregnancy, and her Superior Officer, TheSurlyOne, out to the brown-green hills of Montana to hold meetings that could have easily been held indoors. And the Jebuslug was merciful and caused all the snow that should have been on the Montana ground in the middle of winter to dry up so that the Vessel would not get a chill, as even non-showing pregnant women should not take cold medicine.
And a great cry was heard from Texas when Walter surnamed Skinner put on his clothes and did not invite the Blessed One into his hotel room. Blessed were the weeping Texans, for they were
comforted by unexpected compassion and heavy overtones of UST between She of the Sweetest Spine and TheSurlyOne without his glasses. And they in Texas did know the Jebuslug's mercy.
Our Slug is a merciful slug! Hosanna! Hosanna!
And there was a great holding of breath throughout the salt-free firmament when after three long
un-continuitous month and very little searching, He Who was Missing appeared still and flabby on the ground. But alas the moment was overshadowed by The Sacred One's overacting and the Jebuslug cursed the one named Manners for allowing such a display from the Most Holy Vessel. And it was decreed that the one named Manners will be thrown into a pit of salt and left to burn for showing such hubris as to misdirect the Sacred One.
Beware our Lord's wrath. So the slugly angels fell. So will it be with Manners.
And as the phrase, "to be continued" appeared upon the Sacred television, our most Divine Jebuslug thought upon this episode and those that had gone before it in this season numbered eight and He felt the pounding of a Holy migrane in his sluggy temples. And He looked up, His countenance grim but His Voice remained a ringing trumpet in the land. And the Jebuslug spoke and those that heard trembled before Him.
"For Mine Ears hear a great noise of unhappiness. And
I say WOE to those who keep my disciples waiting until April for resolve! WOE to those who inflict flimsy concepts upon us again and again for they shall choke on their own Starlight! And WOE betide those who think that spinoffs can take the place of the show that once was called 'The X-Files!'"
And the names of Anderson, Patrick and Pileggi were added to the Sacred List of those that give their all to their performances. And the names of those who wasted yet another episode that the one named Duchovny is in with no dialogue or meaningful screen time for him were added to the list of the damned. And the Jebuslug meditated on the return of the one called Krycek and took joy in viewing his green-eyed countenance in previews as when Krycek appeareth, shit getteth done.
But verily, the name of Carter is still reviled in the Mind of the Jebuslug. For our Slug, being omniscient, sees a great Exodus of the fans, like that from Egypt, if the season continues to lack continuity. Beware, Carter and heed our Slug's wisdom for pride goeth before a fall.
Our Slug has spoken.
Season without end. Amen.
THE JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
On the evening of the first day of the Month of April, our Most Holy Jebuslug turned His Eyestalks towards the television and there beheld "The X-Files."
And there came unto the land one named Krycek and BEHOLD! with his approach, like a rusty wheel, plot moveth forward once more! Our Mighty Slug meditated upon this appearance and wisheth that the one called Krycek would appeareth every episode so it might occur that John surnamed Doggett would be dragged behind moving vehicles on a regular basis.
For our Slug is a Mighty Slug and His Countenance shewn on the one called Krycek when He beheld John surnamed Doggett slammed into stationary objects at high velocities. And the choirs of slug angels chanted in unison "RUN HIM OVER! RUN HIM OVER!" when the one called Krycek backethed the car uppeth. And all the Sluggy Bus-Angels rejoiced in a great Sluggy Host to see John Surnamed Doggett black and blue from the blows from the one called Krycek. They sang:
In The Krycek put I my
trust: how say he to my soul, Flee as a rat from a ship?
For, lo, John Surnamed
Doggett makes ready his gun towards the bus floor, that he may privily shoot at
the sluggy and upright in heart.
If the Bus be destroyed, what can the righteous go?
The SLUG is in His Holy
host, the SLUG's throne is ensconced in vertebrae: His Eye-stalks behold the
Chosen One's spine!
The SLUG loveth The
Krycek: but John Surnamed Doggett and all those that keep the Chosen One weepy,
His soul hateth.
Upon these wicked He
shall rain salt, salt and more salt and send The Krycek to avenge him: this
shall be the portion of their cup.
For the righteous SLUG loveth righteousness; His countenance doth behold The Upright Krycek!
Hosanna!
Blessed is The Krycek and let his name be praised! His reward in the Sluggy Kingdom will be great and his seat shall be the one directly behind the Bus Driver! He shall be given the Flaming Remote Control of Judgement so that he might send salt coursing through his enemies' countenances at will! He will be granted the blessing of looking disheveled and handsome at the same time! For The Krycek hath shewn himself worthy in the eyes of the Jebuslug and his name will be amongst those counted at season's end, amen.
Then it came to pass that he that calls himself Carter chose to hold his power equal with our Sluggy Lord. And the One Who was Missing was found dead, but LO! Contractual obligations are binding in the State of California and he was made to live.
And there was great lamenting in Texas and the women wailed and tore their hair when the Surly One's veins ran black from the will of The Krycek, praise his mighty name! And the one named Reyes followed the fate of many secondary characters and disappeared after much prominence in the last episode. And the Jebuslug shook his mighty Sluggy head at her disappearance and wondered in His Holy mind if there would be a search for Reyes now that the One that was Missing has been returned. The Chosen One wept and wept and wept some more and the Jebuslug scowled and slimed at the writers who have turned her into such a crybaby. For the Jebuslug remembers a time early in the season when this was not so.
For the ones named writers and he called Carter have rejected the early characterization and the covenant made with the fandom; and they followed vanity, and became vain, and went after the ratings at all costs. And lo, though they return the One Who was Lost and gave him funny and good lines, the lost time and bad padding on our Chosen One causes our Sluggy Lord to frown. For although the episode was not without merit, let these that walk with the step of the cock-sure be warned: the Jebuslug hears the cries of his people when they wail about vaccines on pavement, antiviral mumbo-jumbo, lowering of temperature to cure the One Who was Missing, shedding of skin and bad detective work. And our Slug will reject all pabulum plot lines in the same way He has thrown out the idea of STARLIGHT, and deliver his people into the hand of spoilers so that the jarring lack of justification in plot will not throw their most munchable spines out of alignment. The glory of our Slug will be slimy comfort to His followers for he will be like salt on the top of ice to those writers who inflict easy-outs on the faithful!
All praise our Slug! He will watch the next six episodes with a cautious Eyestalk and if they are not deemed worthy, He will send The Krycek and his Flaming Remote of Judgment to lay low the one named Carter.
THE JEBUSLUG SPEAKETH:
Lo, it came to pass that it came to pass that the times of White House infiltration had come. And there ran a man who cried, "Behold! I have burnt a copy of the X-Files movie verily onto a mini-disc, and it is good." But Dubya had hardened his heart to the cries of the madmen, and the Jebuslug could not help but note the failure of the soldiers to stop the interloper's clever gambit of climbing the fence and jogging across the lawn while shouting. And Jebuslug wept for the sloth of the soldiers.
And then a great mystery was revealed onto the masses, which Jebuslug had been wondering about. The Holy Hostess-With-The-Mostess declared to the newly reborn He Who was Formerly Lost's that the illness which had wracked him was swept from his person. This was cheerfully confirmed by Asian-Walk-On-Extra-Doctor-Guy, who gave the benediction of "Me too" to the Holy Hostess' words and left. It would no longer be He Who was Formerly Lost's to suffer any inconvenience at all, excepting the tribal tattoos he had gotten on the ship. Thus was he healed, and mine followers were left to wonder, "What the fuck?" And Jebuslug began to indulge in the fruit of the vine, and the episode was much improved.
Where then Scully did begin to sing the litany of her woes, for they were many. Thus she began;
I had a vision of sheaves of grain all dancing and bowing about me
Oh how it has sucked to be me.
I had a vision of those sheaves blowing away as the "Season of Scully"
Oh how it has sucked to be me.
I have been pregnant and stepped on and implanted and carved on
Oh how it has sucked to be me.
And you were not there to hear my cries or paint my toenails.
Oh how it has sucked to be me.
And He Who was Lost did listen, and contemplate what she had sung. And he sneered a sneer of cold contempt and cried, "Boo fucking hoo. I've been dead for three months. Beat that."
And it was in this meanness of spirit to the Holy Vessel that Jebuslug knew Fox of Mulder was the ANTISLUG.
And the ANTISLUG was grouchy, which pleased the one true Slug greatly, mostly because he was tired of the ANTISLUG stealing all his shtick, up to and including a miraculous resurrection, which verily is one step farther than most Christ imagery goes by a damn sight, but then it came to pass that the Jebuslug hath both broken character and railed on a tangent. And his editors wept.
Then came the subplot of continuity, whereupon John surnamed Doggett was taken hostage and his captor quickly offed. This did not come to pass before visions of a naked, prone Doggett being duct taped were seen by the masses. And the Jebuslug did ask, "Is this slashy?" And this vision made the Jebuslug feel funny, and opinions were reconsidered.
Therefore Fox of Mulder, the ANTISLUG was unkind to The Surly One and the most Holy Vessel, forsaking his faithful. And he doth tried to start shit with John surnamed Doggett in his wroth, and Skinner did intervene, and the ANTISLUG was petulant as waking up on the wrong side of the tomb can be. And the testosterone did flow, but no beating of anyone of desert ensued, and Jebuslug wept.
But the Gunmen appeared, and the Jebuslug did cry, "Let there be slashy overtones!" And there were slashy overtones, and it was good. And again, the Jebuslug did cry, "Let Fox of Mulder be a complete shit to everyone except these paltroons he doth hang about with," and Mulder was a shit to everyone but the Gunmen, and it was good.
Then a cry was heard, "Let there be infodump!" and there was infodump, and it was good. And the Gunmen did appear in a technology-laden shaft of some kind. What or why is beyond the Jebuslug, and further why Mulder did not also use this shaft for his own infiltrations is beyond the reach of Jebuslug and his angels. Fox of Mulder, the ANTISLUG evaded the soldiers at the gate by walking right by them. This was repeated as John surnamed Doggett followed. And the Jebuslug did decree that boots needs must be laid to all security in this episode, for they are as incompetent dolts and need firing.
And John surnamed Doggett did stand at the door and knock, and the ANTISLUG did not answer his call. So John surnamed Doggett called on the same wisdom he used when dealing with Mine Own Self, and fixed the door with his damned gun in a mad frenzy of subtlety and low-profile security avoidance.
Ahem.
And there was much arguing between the two, and Carter cried "Let there be product placement for my own movies and projects" and it was so, as the Gunmen did appear as a vision of their roles in the new series, and laid waste to old testaments of their less than physical nerd images. And Mulder did cry, "I must Fight The Future in the new Millennium, for it is a Harsh Realm I doth live in!"
As the security did close, and John surnamed Doggett and the ANTISLUG did yearn for freedom, the Gunmen did find a plan, and executed it during the commercial. Carter had decreed, "If there be fic writers to fix things, let them free these two prisoners. Let them heal Fox of his wounds. Let there be explanations that come not from canon, because I can not be bothered to give a rat's ass. So let it be written, so let it be done." And the Jebuslug wept. And drank.
Then John of Doggett did meet with infodump sweatshirt guy once more, who doth hath had more air time than the ethereal Reyes, who was once portended to be a regular. And infodump guy was revealed to be a meanie, and he doth ignored Doggett's pleas for justice. And then it was revealed he hath a huge, obvious implant sticking out of his neck, and he did wonder why it was so huge and obvious. And then the credits rolled.
And it was good.
To everything
Burn, burn, burn
There is a season
Burn, burn, burn
And the Jebuslug called all his followers and said unto them "Hear, O Riders of the Bus, the statutes and judgments I shall speak in your ears this day! For it is Sunday, the day set aside for watching of the X-Files!" And the Seraphslime and Cherubslime fired up the Barbie and made some brats for the Holy Host to eat as the Jebuslug warned them they would need sustenance to face the tricks of Carter and his minions this week.
Great jumping fire demons!
For lo, when in the course of human events it becomes de rigueur to have a mandatory still shot for Effects That Are Not So Special, Our Sluggy Lord's eyestalks twitch in Most High Anger. Our Lord was slightly appeased that Flame Boy was named Jeb, but that is another gospel for another day.
Those who hand out Pink Slips of Doom, beware! Indeed, when Flame Boy didst get "differently hired" by Nondescript Man and Too-Plucked Eyebrow Woman, the Seraphslime and Cherubslime didst know that, once again, being in the teaser was a Very Bad Thing and didst not need to confirm their suspicions before getting up to replenish their substances. Er, sustenance. For our Slug, that muncheth on the spines of the faithful will make the vodka flow free!
All hail Jebuslug!
She Who Might be the Light Version of He Who Rode A
Wheelchair to Glory appeared, pooh-poohing the Big Black Dude and chastising
said dude for not knowing what types of praise hymns his progeny listeneth to.
The Heiress Apparent then mumbleth something about chewy smoking
substitutes and made to leave, but then she saw more Effects That Are Not So
Special, and in His great Mind, the Jebuslug meditated that this plot turneth
hath something to do with John surnamed Doggett.
Thus we went on to the Pizza Play.
**A most holy footnote: The Sacred Vessel must be keeping the Pizza Play in business, as the Seraphslime and Cherubslime wouldst not be caught dead paying $29.08 for a round pie, and most especially not if said pie came from Little Caesar's. So let it be written; so let it be done.**
The Former Protectoreth of the Sacred Vessel, now
called ANTISLUG, hath done an Amazing 180 of
Seesawing Emotions and now doteth upon The Sacred Vessel, even going so far as
to appear jealous of the Pizza Play. The ANTISLUG also gave the Sacred Vessel a
brightly wrapped package with an unintentionally hilarious, or so the Jebuslug
hopeth, and slightly scary childhood plaything inside, making His followers
shouteth "I hope that was Samantha's!" at the screen.
ONCE AGAIN relegated to languishing her delicate spine in the hospital while John surnamed Doggett and The ANTISLUG tradeth snide remarks, the Sacred Vessel caught catnaps while John surnamed Doggett didst become Vision Boy in her room, mostly unhindered by The Nurse Who Just Wants to Know Who the Husband Is, Damn It. Alas, the poor woman was foiled at every turn.
Suddenly, Wheelchair Light calleth the ANTISLUG and, borrowing the Exposition Hat from John surnamed Doggett, proceedeth to wheedle the ANTISLUG into leaving the Sacred Vessel's bedside.
There was a moment when the Seraphslime and
Cherubslime didst perketh up mightily, when John surnamed Doggett and the ANTISLUG
didst shouteth and shoveth and bleedeth testosterone into a basement
hallway, and the ANTISLUG kept that Smirk of All-Knowingness despite being
manhandled into the drywall, but Wheelchair Light arrived before anything fun
could happen. Our Lord's Eyestalks twitched and he wondered what Walter midnamed
Sergei, The Surly One, was doing.
And there was mighty gnashing of teeth as the followers were fed slices of Vision Boy and the Pizza Play again, with a slight pause for appreciation of John surnamed Doggett and the ANTISLUG as they had their first hallway chat without alpha male posturing and referenced the episode's title in a very, very, very, very oblique way. There was a lusty sigh in the Northern Plains and a mighty thank you to the minor deity Barry Thomas for panning out with a long lens. However, the Seraphslime pray that our Mighty Jebuslug will spit out the spine of whoever keeps putting The ANTISLUG in flat-front pants. Pleats, Lord Jebuslug! Oh, give them pleats!
Doth John surnamed Doggett really see visions? Doth Wheelchair Light ever, EVER stop smiling? Doth The Sacred Vessel and her ANTISLUG plan to open a nostalgia shop/pizza emporium?
The followers of Our Most Slimy Lord can wait. Season without end, amen.
Yea, the Jebuslug did speak, "Let this week's episode be not unlike a buddy action movie!" And it was not unlike a buddy action movie, and it was good. And the Holy Slug did speak, "Let there be male bonding!" And there was male bonding. And the Jebuslug feelers did twitch in pleasure.
In the beginning there was symbolism, for John surnamed Doggett did stand at the door of his office and knock for he had been left outside by the man he did replace, the ANTISLUG. John surnamed Doggett was not without resource, and he did have a key, so he let himself in. And the ANTISLUG did act like an ass and operate outside his bounds, and there was much snarking.
Behold the mysteries of the mytharc, for they did appear, as the Sacred Oil from the forgotten past doth had anointed an oil rig in the middle of the trackless seas, and John surnamed Doggett, instead of being dragged behind said oil rig, was sent instead to investigate. When he arrivethed, he found that the ANTISLUG had lusted in his heart and did so covet his gig that through deception had contrived his way onto the rig. So it came to pass that John surnamed Doggett got his macho in the ANTISLUG snarkiness, and the ANTISLUG got his snarkiness in John surnamed Doggett's macho, and the two tastes of greatness doth had been forced to taste of greatness together.
They did investigate, and the Sacred Vessel, she called Scully, did operate the radio, which she had been getting awfully good at this season. And lo! She at once did for a change resemble a scientist and healer rather than her usual role of glorified, bloated telemarketer, left to answer the phone and cheer our heroes on from afar. But the Jebuslug does digress, and is bitter from His holy host getting the perpetual shaft.
Ahem.
She revealed unto the unlikely partners that the dead man doth had been immune, due to his American Indian decent. And there was no one who could question this logic, for it was the X- Files, and therefore if it be preternatural, there were Indians who were skilled at or knew about it.
And it came to pass that the crew sought to do murder onto our new dynamic duo. And they did chase them about, and lock them in a room, and they did bang on the door. And the ANTISLUG was vexed, but John surnamed Doggett was calm in the eye of the storm. For he did soothe the ANTISLUG with the knowledge, saying unto him, "Mulder, I was in Salvage. And yea, I know that the trick to dealing with supernaturally enhanced foes who are trying to knock down a metal door which is being dented from their efforts is to wait ten seconds for them to stop." And the ANTISLUG did ponder on these words and to his astonishment the beaters did stop. And the ANTISLUG once called Mulder did wonder what John surnamed Doggett would prophesy next. And John surnamed Doggett did say. "Now that they have stopped, we must immediately open the once locked door, for they will be gone." And the ANTISLUG did wonder, what if they were just taking a breather or stopped for a smoke, or to get a new battering ram? But before he had time to give voice to these fears, John surnamed Doggett had opened the door, and their persecutors were gone like dust in the wind, destroyed by the constraints of an hour long show.
And then Kersh did berate Mulder. And Kersh did berate Scully. And he did harangue Skinner and Doggett as well, like a scourge onto the Slug. And there was much sneering and twirling of moustaches as Kersh in his evil did contemplate tying Scully to the railroad tracks. For there was no Dudley Do Right to stop him. But it came to pass that at that moment Kersh began to turn sideways, and in his two dimensionality he did disappear from the episode entire, except in name. And there was much rejoicing.
Doggett and the ANTISLUG did meet then, in a scene which did parallel the opening, but now it was revealed that Kersh, known as the Scourge of the Slug, had purged the X-Files from the pestilence of Mulder, known as the ANTISLUG, casting him out into the fire. And John surnamed Doggett did express surprise at this shitcanning, for the ANTISLUG had bonded with him and did say onto him, "You the man now, Dog." And he did protest, exclaiming in a loud voice, "These X-Files, they are yours, for verily it is true that YOU are the man, Mulder." And Mulder did respond, "No, you the man." And they did shake hands, and the world did tremble, for the ANTISLUG had ceased his covetousness and stopped being such an ass. And the episode did end.
Let all our Slug's bus-riders say, "AMEN."
In the beginning, there were Mulder and Scully, and they were of opposing ideologies, and they did banter their way through each episode, and it was good. And growling o'er them was the Surly One, who did make for a good everyday complication, and hovering in the background was He Who Rode a Wheelchair to Glory, who did smoke and speak cryptically and pull strings, and these things were good also.
And whatever new characters were brought aboard were either evil or untrustworthy, and so it did come to pass that the only one that Mulder did trust was Scully, and the only one that Scully did trust was Mulder, and this was meet and good in the eyes of the Jebuslug. So did it remain, for season upon season. And upon this Bond was founded a Show of great complexity.
And then there was Season Eight, and lo! there were too many sympathetic characters to count, and everyone ended up with White Hats, and true villains were there none.
And the Jebuslug saith:
I weep for the children of 1013
For lost are they in the wilderness of Season Eight
And lost are they who have watched it.
Beware, O Carter:
Too long has the focus been splintered
Too long has the torch been passing
O, let this torch pass from me
Let it frickin' pass already, for my patience is at an end.
But the warning of the Jebuslug was for naught, and Carter did continue to shore up the legitimacy of his new children with feeble protests of approval from his old children, and with tokens of re-gifted affection, and with everything short of untimely intercession from the Supreme Court. And the Jebuslug did see that Carter was beyond redemption, for such actions are the actions of a man who knoweth his sin, and doth delight in it.
And lo, in those days a faithful follower of Carter was slain, a follower who had greatly loved the Files of X and had composed tribute upon tribute in praise of the sweet-spined Host and the consort of the Host, he who would become the ANTISLUG. And a great cry went up among the remaining followers, demanding that homage be given to one who had lavished so much attention upon the Children of Carter. And the Jebuslug decreed that this was just and right, and let it be so, that Leyla Harrison should be immortalized and that her name should be written among the Children of Carter, for blessed is the love of fans and blessed is their memory.
Hosanna! Hosanna!
But foul, foul, foulest of foul, Carter did twist the words of the Most Holy and did use even this most blessed homage to mock the fans of his own Children, and made it not an homage, but a caricature. For it is an honorable thing to write badly when such is the best of thy ability, but for those who make their living at television such phoned-in writing is a vile slander upon those whom it would supposedly honor.
Carter did indeed make the Namesake of Leyla Harrison to be a groupie of the Host and the ANTISLUG, but lo! there was no honor in this role in the eyes of Carter, for the Namesake was made to be an incompetent bubblehead who was butting in for no good reason, who spouted past facts about the Files of X whilst looking cute and harmless. And she was called by some Mary Sue, and they would not be wrong.
And Carter did surround this poor Namesake with the most ragged trappings of fanfic. And lo, the Jebuslug was forced to behold the Host going to Lamaze class with the ANTISLUG as her coach, and the re-treading of familiar tokens of past episodes for no reason other than sentiment, and a gratuitous hug between the Host and John surnamed Doggett.
Lest the point be missed, Carter brought out the mad scientist who has no reason for being mad, and the science fiction which has so little science in it that it ought to be ashamed of itself, and vast misunderstandings of how the BI doth work. And yea, verily, did the ANTISLUG participate in an FBI investigation in spite of being fired just last week, and the Namesake did identify bodies despite being blind, and John surnamed Doggett did sustain little damage tho' being dropped twice from a great height, and did myriad FBI agents search for their missing comrades in the most clumped-together search pattern of all time.
And the Jebuslug did shout at the screen, and cried out:
Take heed, O Carter,
For a warrant is needed to enter a residence
And reptiles are not slimy.
Yet slimy am I, and Almighty
And My Wrath shall be upon thee
And thy production company.
Take heed, O Carter,
Lest I cast thee down out of My presence.
But Carter did not listen to Our Lord, but did let the episode crash down into the most fanficcish moment of all as the Namesake did question the Host and the ANTISLUG about their jaunt to Antarctica, and they did answer her in the most babbly of banter, and did re-gift with the same torch-passing token which had actually meant something years ago when first it was seen.
And Our Lord did write the name of Carter upon His most hallowed Shit List. So shall all sinners be made note of, that punishment shall be meted out upon the guilty when He shall sit again in the Host's most blessed Vertebrae.
Yet within this most flimsy of episodes there were instances of fine acting, and glorious banter, and leather was worn and worn well, and the Host and the ANTISLUG did discuss the case o'er their cell phones as of old. These things were blessed to the eyestalks of the Jebuslug, and the Seraphslime and Cherubslime did sing the praises of Robert Patrick and Gillian Anderson and, as an afterthought, David Duchovny. For precious are they who can find motive and reason for their characters' actions where good writing is so conspicuously absent. Treasured are they, and the most holy Jebuslug will reward them in their careers to come.
So let it be written, so let it be done. Amen.
His most Sluggy Lord doth recommend that thou accosteth thine ears with an appropriate track of sound when thou committest His most holy words to divine memory. His most holy suggestion is the slushlike theme from "The Young and the Restless", for as our Lord proclaimeth, "Atmosphere is everything." So let it be done.
And on the thirteenth day of May in the year of our Sluggy Lord two thousand and one - the true millennium to all, including the geeks of math - wailing was heard across the land. For although one righteous journey was indeed made, other journeys occurred that defied logic, holiness, and even good taste, for lo! melodrama hath been wrought against the faithful. And in the hour of ten, in the zone of Eastern daylight time, nine, central and pacific, curses were hurled at the surfboarding creator and purveyor of evil and sadness.
Quiver, meek suntanned mortal, at His Might! Hosts of Seraphslime and Cherubslime sing to you of your doom! Surely you will not escape an eternity of slimy perdition!
For lo, the VO Monologue of Prologue hath made its pompous return, and in it hath the ANTISLUG teased the audience mercilessly about the paternity of fruit The Vessel's most holy womb. Yea, all who list to its discordant strains shall suffer uncertainty and Opera of Soap. And yea, in it hath the ANTISLUG continued his course of evildoing in suggesting that even a Sacred VesselSprog might have no soul, due to its test-tube origins. Fie! His most holy Lord didst know better, and waited for the first commercial break; for His holy Eyestalks had begun to itch, and His Slugginess had to go in search of some Lanacane.
And lo, the Building of Tension had begun. Choirs of sluggy angels sang a Chord of Suspense, with great drama.
When His itchy Lord returned to His bean bag chair, He discovered the very fires of hell itself: the Sacred Vessel enduring a Baby Shower. The itch began to return, despite the welcome presence of The Vessel's tasty mother, Margaret the Blessed.
But was she? The choir of sluggy angels sang a Chord of Increasing Suspense.
For lo, His most holy, and slightly itchy, Eyestalks beheld subtext in the performance of Margaret the Blessed, and he was prompted to wonder if she was indeed the holy mother of The Vessel, or if she had been replaced by an evildoer, one sporting those tasty spiny spinal nodules. In the end, however, His Slugginess determined that it was merely Shela Larkin's last-ditch attempt to garner further acting work by masticating upon the scenery. Hosanna!
So despite the fact that The Vessel hath no social life or outside contacts in the real world, the Jebuslug chose to skate along the surface of this parable, and disregard the cloying inconsistencies and nagging senselessness of certain plot developments. No longer would it worry Him that all the shower guests seemed to be friends of Margaret the Blessed, despite the age discrepancy, and that the holy Vessel herself undertook to accept a stranger into her home and trust. Lo, the ANTISLUG had indeed given her *courage*, for she demonstrated it by engaging in the Melodramatic Nude Shower Scene of Impending Doom.
And the Jebuslug itched.
And lo, the scene changed, and NotBilly of NotARealTown, Oregon appeared in the office of a procreation doctor - glory to he who impregnates the barren! - accompanied by ominous music of his own, and thus was it shown, in a rather amateurish and predictable way, that NotBilly was Not What He Seemed. And the Holy Hammond Organ emitted a Chord of Even More Suspense. Smiting then occurred, and His Sluggy Lord was sad, for judgment of all men belongs within the House of the Slug, and is not to be undertaken by aliens that reeketh of disbelief.
But lo! in quick succession we learned that Lizzie, namesake of Borden, was a minion of evil, the Sacred Vessel was far too mobile for a holy mother so heavy with child, and that the ANTISLUG continued to gain access and influence over work done in a place that no longer recognized his authority.
And the Jebuslug skated.
And the minions of Satan at 1013 shouteth, "Let there be cultural diversity!" And it was so, and John surnamed Doggett appeareth in his domicile, in front of which was parked his Pickup Truck of Justice, and within he sat, ridding his service weapon of uncleanliness, watching NASCAR racing. And it was so: a redneck appeareth in the guise of the erstwhile partner of the Sacred Vessel. Hallelujah!
And didst he call upon the recently arrived ANTISLUG as "Fox", and didst the ANTISLUG not cringe, but rather became Captain of Exposition, and hauled John surnamed Doggett back into the fray. And it was good. For only a moment, though.
Yea, didst the ANTISLUG lead John surnamed Doggett around by the dangly bits of his loins, and didst John surnamed Doggett take to follow like a mute puppy. And the Jebuslug sighed and tapped His slimy foot treads on His beanbag chair, and waited for something interesting to happen.
And it did! Hosannah! For much hilarity ensued when a man about to be decapitated admonished Lizzie namesake of Borden, with great irony, "you gotta keep a cool head".
And the Jebuslug snorted.
But soon the melodrama returned, and things began to make less sense, and the Jebuslug was sore afeared. For lo, the Sacred Vessel, who until recently had known how to kick ass, became like a small child and spoketh not, nor did she rise up in her own defense but rather followed the Men around in a nauseating show of female meekness.
And the Jebuslug wept.
And didst a NonAgent interrogate Lizzie namesake of Borden and learn The Truth from her, but was the Sacred Vessel - the object of the replacement of prenatal vitamins with further prenatal vitamins - not present, despite her experience and skill, and great wailing rose up in the land, and there was consternation and gnashing of teeth.
The Jebuslug applied a little more Lanacane, for the itching had returned.
Regardless, Doctor Tasha Yar the Aged hath returned, and despite her woeful medical care the last time we had seen her, she appeared to put The Vessel's fears to rest, but when Mulder of Uncertain Paternity and Skinner midnamed Sergei had come to question her most impudently about the paternity of her child, they were called away on a Plot Point of Tension. Again, paternity was held like a carrot before an ass, and His Sliminess, not liking to be portrayed as such, cursed the suntanned one again.
Lizzie, namesake of Borden, revealed that the Sacred Vessel doth indeed carry a superhuman uberbaby of glory, a miracle mankind was incapable of producing, and His Sluggy Lord was pleased, for the kingdom of Heaven is never to be denied. Hallelujah!
Then a second miracle occurred, and His Sliminess rejoiced! He beheld with His own holy Eyestalks the conversion of the ANTISLUG to the side of the righteous, for lo! he hath espoused the possibility of his belief that God himself, blessed be He, was in some way responsible for the creation of the Miracle Sprog. Hosanna in the highest! And was the ANTISLUG reborn, in His holy Image, and re-dubbed Mulder of Uncertain Paternity.
Jebuslug giggled at the double meaning, for He is still attempting to recover from the possibly apocryphal Darth Vaderlike pronouncement of He Who Rode a Wheelchair to Glory in "The Sixth Extinction: Amor Fati".
And the Jebuslug digressed.
And in the fullness of time, the Krycek, returned and the Jebuslug cheered! "Hooray!" cheered the Jebuslug, for when the Krycek appeareth, shit getteth done, and perhaps He might not have had to skate much longer. And although the Crick did indeed commit a righteous and amusingly violent act of hit and run, the glory of the moment was still sullied by the ANTISLUG's pathetic protection measure of car door-lockage against one who was nigh-invulnerable, much like The Tick, which the Slug shudders to mention was always better written than this show lately.
And the JebuSlug shuddered.
And because of this grievous error had then the JebuSlug committed to skating along the surface again. His most holy and now constantly itchy Eyestalks beheld, as He skated still, to see Mulder of Uncertain Paternity hand the most sacred of his heart, the Sacred Vessel, to his sworn enemy, who was busy trading slashy looks with Skinner. And didst Wheelchair Light appear again, to establish her trustworthiness for the massacre that will be Season Nine, and then didst the only moment of good tension occur in this most foul of episodes: The Garage Scene of Suspense. And it was, transiently, good.
But the good was not to last, for didst we note the stupid and derivative manner of demonstrating a character's alien-ness: the sudden snap of the head to one side, accompanied by a clenched jaw and jarring, military music. And it was so that Skinner and Mulder didst lure the stinky alien to the roof of the empty and inexplicably insecure J. Edgar Hoover FBI building, in order to send him toppling into the Garbage Crusher of Evil, for it was indeed presided over by another with ominous tasty spiny spinal nodules.
And lo, when the episode hath come to an end, the followers of 1013 were left with unanswered questions, and the slushy organ music of melodrama chimed in:
Will the Sacred Vessel escape?
Is Wheelchair Light to be trusted?
Did Krycek's voice really break with emotion?
Did they or didn't they?
Will Skinner and Doggett find time to have a quiet, romantic evening alone for once?
How many different kinds of aliens are there now?
Is The Vessel's baby the savior of mankind, and if so, what doth that mean for the true savior of mankind, the Jebuslug?
How will Mulder exit the show?
and
WHO, oh WHO is the father of The Vessel's sacred Miracle Sprog?
The Jebuslug, the true savior of mankind, awaits next week with moderate interest and itchy eyestalks. World without end, and hopefully a dermatology appointment. Amen.
On this season of our Lord
the time of reckoning had come to pass and the finale did hang large over the
Jebuslug. And there was much
trepidation and quivering with fear, for it was known to the Children of the
Slug that the false prophet Carter could well damn them with his heretical
visions. So the Slug did twitch His
Eyestalks, and secrete a comfortable nest for Himself, and beheld the spectacle.
Lo!
The twitching spine of Billy Miles did afford the Slug no comfort, for it
was made of metal, and barren of nutritive value to Him.
And the AntiSlug did appear to our Lord, and tempt Him, saying,
"Thou art hungry, o' slug. Take
this metal spine and change it to tasty, tasty bone, if thou art truly the
gastropod of the Lord." But
the Slug was strong, and did ignore these temptations, and carried on His
watching.
Visions
from the past then did begin to coalesce and congeal, and there was much talk of
Christ children super-soldiery and Carter did release a mighty flood of
infodump as 8 years of loose ends were made fast with a sweep of his hand.
And the Jebuslug got kind of a headache, for this was too much to bear,
and little of it seemed to make sense, but the storm of explication continued,
and our Lord sat unmoving at its center.
The Holy
Vessel and Chosen One of the sweetest spine, Scully, who was drawing to the hour
of bearing the fruit of her incredulous conception, had withdrawn with the
ineffable Wheel Chair Light to respond to the census of Ceasar some odd
sort of ghost town, which bore no resemblance at all to the town where the
AntiSlug's sister was supposed to have been, or the Jebuslug's own hometown, no
sirreebob. And Wheel Chair Light
did cry, "Let there be day beds!"
And there was a day bed, the only piece of furniture for a hundred miles,
and the former occupants did wail and gnash their teeth for forgetting their day
bed, for it was good. And Wheel
Chair Light did cry, "Let there be candles!"
And there were candles, and Wheel Chair Light could light them, for she
did cry, "I have a lighter!" And then at last Wheel Chair Light did
cry, "Aroooooo! Arooooo!" and the Vessel and the Slug and the host of
viewers did look at her funny, because she was making whale noises, which was
just odd.
The two
were beset by a park ranger, who demanded to know the nature of their business
in her domain. And there was much
spilling of beans, for all secret missions are best kept secret by telling the
first stranger one encounters the whole bizarre story. But suffer not the plot to the torments of logic.
Back at
the Palace of Hoover, the men were engaging in a great battle, as was their
wont. The women having been duly
separated, a sort of free for all rolling combat worked its way through the
offices of the largest law enforcement agency in the US.
And the Jebuslug knew it must have been everyone's day off, for no one
responded at all to any of the turmoil, and there was no security, or reaction
from other agents, or anything of that sort.
And then The Krycek began to wax
mad, and told the AntiSlug he could have killed him at any time, and the One
True Slug
did cry, "YES! Shoot him,
shoot him!" But The Krycek's
ears were deaf to His Lord's pleas. And
then The Surly One did shoot The Krycek. And
then he did shoot him again. For The Krycek had been made undone and unmanned by the loss of his Remote
Control of Bald Man Scourging. And
then some odd dialogue ensued, in which The Surly One did not heed The Krycek's call to
shoot the AntiSlug, and it seems The Surly One did grow tired of the scene, for
he ended it by taking the life of his tormentor.
Lo, The Krycek did fall, and the Eyestalks of the Jebuslug did slime up,
and it was made that he should sit at the right hand of the Bus Driver, in those
seats normally reserved for the crippled, since he was, for in the stalks of the
Slug the low shall be made high and the high shall be lain low, and this was his
will.
Then it
was revealed back at the manger ghost town that the park ranger was an
alien. And then a multitude of
aliens did appear, as if drawn from smoke, and they all did stare at the Holy
Host With The Most while she gave birth, and it was odd as that is normally
reserved for immediate family members and the Eyestalks of the Jebuslug.
For it seemed that everyone on the show who was not a regular character
was apparently an alien, and they had all arrived to attend Scullypalooza.
And vendors sold Mai-tais off their backs and bouncing beach balls of
pink and blue did appear. And our
Slug was not pleased, but none-the-less sent Jerry Garcia in to entertain the
alien horde whilst the Chosen One grunted and strained.
And the
Host did cry, "Please don't take my baby!"
And the crowd did respond, "But we must."
And she did respond, "But I asked nicely."
And they saw that she had. So
they all just sort of left. Quickly,
as frat boys will flee into the night when the cops arrive, so did all the super
soldier alien minions take to their SUV's and their station wagons, leaving no one to doubt the holy power of the Host's command.
Finally
it came to pass that the AntiSlug did visit the Host, and the three-wisemen
lone gunmen did flee at the sight of him, as the aliens did flee at his
approach. He had found her by
following a star, the AntiSlug claimed. The
Jebuslug waxed wroth at this, for He did not have to use the strikethough text
on the last line, and did throw potato chips at the screen. And the AntiSlug did wonder at his power, and thought it
might be his breath. So, after a
quick sniff of the pits, he determined it must be something else driving them
away, like his box-office potential.
It came
then that The Chosen One and the AntiSlug did smooch, a real and true smooch
after so long denying their natures. But
it was not revealed the nature of the child's conception. Nor was the father named.
At this point, however, the Slug had hardened His Heart to such things.
For the child had been named William, for William begat Mulder, and
William begat William, who was brother to Scully, who begat William, who may as
a result of the Super Soldier program been somehow related to William Miles, who
had appeared in this ep.
And the
people did crowd around the Jebuslug, and look to Him for wisdom.
Seeing the
“Blessed
is Our Vessel of Perpetual Weeping, for she shall be validated in
childbearing and less screen time! Blessed
are those who hunger and thirst for shippyness, for they shall be thrown a bone.
Blessed are those who inexplicably make whale sounds during the labor of
others, for they shall have contracts for the next season.
Blessed are the meek of intellect, for they shall not mind the plot so
much. Blessed are they who follow a series for eight years in
search of the truth, for ambiguity shall be their reward. And blessed are those who bitch and moan on the Internet, for
the kingdom of Jebuslug shall be theirs."
Season's
end.
Amen.
SEASON NINE
Nothing Important Happened Today Part 1
And in the tenth month in the year of our Slug, 2001, at a bit past eight due to delays from a football game, our Blessed Jebuslug did wake from his summer hibernation and stretch His Mighty Feelers. And after calling for some tasty leaves and a latte, the Jebuslug spaketh and queried his followers, "What is on the Most Sluggy television?" And the Bus Driver did speak for the Holy Host and did reply, "Why Lord, the Ninth season of the X-Files begineth this very eve." And our Lord did blink His Eyestalkes to clear them and spake unto the Krycek, who sitteth on the left side of our Slug to activate the flaming television remote of Doom. And the Krycek, ever faithful to the One True Slug, did so and the will of the Jebuslug was made law and the television was turned on.
And as the images appeared on the screen, our Slug did again blink his eyestalks to clear them and did say, "I thinketh this is Xena." And the Seraslime did sing in unison a holy anthem about guest spots and star power needed in to hold viewers in great times of transition. And the Slug, in all His Wisdom, did nod and settle in to watch some more.
And it came to pass that our Lord did think that perhaps He had ended his summer siesta in the seventies, for it is within His might to move back and forth in time in the Space/Time continuum, as is illustrated on every other "Star Trek"episode. For he did see Xena go into a bar in a dress straight from 1972, where after being plied with alcohol, she did pick up some expendable government worker, much like what used to happen in the time when condoms were a still considered choice and not necessity.
And then, our Slug did wax confused and think that perhaps the show was a movie of the week, "The Mary Jo Kopekne story" what with Xena and the government employee falling from a bridge into the depths of a river in a car, much like what happened at Chappaquiddick with 2002 being an election year and all. But nay, Xena great bold in the Eyes of our Slug and turned amphibious, assuring the red-shirt government worker a watery death. Then the credits rolled and the Jebuslug did see with His Own Blessed Eyestalks that this show was indeed the "X-Files". And our Lord did ponder on these events and thought it wise to have a wake-Him-uppeth Cosmo to better interpret the show.
And after commercial breaks it came to pass, the Jebuslug's mind was still cloudy about what he vieweth and He did command the Bus Driver to tell Him what this television Show was? And the Bus Driver kneel before the Slug and say, "Oh Lord, it is the X-Files!" And the Jebuslug waxed wroth and did shake His Feelers and say, "Nay, this is not the X-Files. For there is nudity and profanity and Cary Elwes who was the Dread Pirate Roberts playing that role he played in `Kisseth the Girls', Nick Ruskin. I knoweth cable when I vieweth it!" And the Holy Hosts did tremble at the Jebuslug's command that someone turn on the X-Files before He caused a national salt shortage at the onset of winter.
And our Lord scowled and his countenance grew dark when the images of a naked man in a shower appeared. And the Lord shook the heavens and thundered in His mighty Voice, "Is there not a one among you with eyes that can see? This is not the X-Files, this is Dallas. Stoppeth the fooling around already." But then, Lo! The Jebuslug beheld His Most Beloved, she of the Crunchiest Spine, the Blessed Vessel and in that moment our Lord's Mind was laid to rest that this was the X-Files after all although our Slug did wonder if it was Bobby Ewing in the shower after all because at this point He would not have been surprised.
And the Vessel wore an aspect so unhappy for one who had just given birth to a long anticipated and wanted child that our Slug did wonder if He was back in Season Eight, to be known forever in by our Slug's will as the "Season of the Perpetual Crying Scully". And the child now called William screamed and screamed and screamed in the background and our Slug that knows all did understand that only the viewing of Chris Carter could make a baby cry like that. And at the thought the Slug shuddered and called for another Cosmo.
And it came to pass that John surnamed Doggett did appeareth naked on the screen, and then did Wheelchair Light appear also naked. This vexed the Lord Jebuslug and He downed his Cosmo in a mighty draught in the hopes that this would not become a trend. But it came to pass that Manners did not humor our Lord's whim for less sexuality in these characters because the next scene beheld Wheel Chair light getting more action than the Blessed Vessel of Eternal Suffering and the AntiSlug have received on camera in the past eight years combined. And the Mighty Jebuslug slimed a mighty pile at the sight and called for more blessed numbing alcohol.
And some plot was laid forth that was confusing to all for it was explained that the Antislug was "gone". The Jebuslug, who knoweth the slippage of the smallest gastropod did wax wroth at this for Carter, in his arrogance, hath seemingly lost the Antislug and did not know where he hath putteth him. And the Krycek did lean and whisper to our Slug, "Tell Doggett to look at the AFTRA unemployment office," which made the Jebuslug chuckle and call for Cosmos for all.
And it did appear that things did come to pass that none need bother dealing with, for the world and the sets had grown dark in an effort to create atmosphere. And the Jebuslug waxed bored and after calling for the most Holy computer, did knoweth the bliss of Audiogalaxy, and did gather on unto him the mp3's which did appear within the most righteous Buffy musical, for divine tho the patience of the Slug may be, it is finite.
And so it went that the Slug with no arse could not be arsed to harken onto much of the ep. It happened that Kersh did wax wroth at everyone, and Carter did render onto the Dread Pirate Roberts a certain unshakable pudlike element, but the Jebuslug did recall that even Krycek did appear as pud when first revealed onto the masses, and He saw that it might be good.
Other flashes of revelation were revealed as the Slug our Slug did look up from His copyright infringment. It was decreed that Xena should have gills, and so gills were leveled onto her. And looking on these gills, it was ordained that she be naked for most of the ep, and so she was revealed, and it was at these times the Slug found Himself paying slightly more attention aas her spine was prominent in many of the shots, but not much.
Lo, The Dread Pirate Roberts not only bore the mantle of a pud, he also behaved the role of one as well, and in an epiphany became the Dread Pud Roberts, for he behaved himself onto a smarmy ass, and did use the Brill Crème on his hair, and did bear a grin of insufferable irritation. And these things did not escape the Eye of the Slug, in spite of those Holy Stalks being mostly occupied by digital piracy.
Then John surnamed Doggett did finally part the waters with his person, and did partake of a swim. And Xena did appear behind him, and the ep did end on a crappy cliffhanger and the Jebuslug did think to Himself, "Nothing important happened this ep."
And the Slug did wonder and all the Seraslime and Cherubslime did wonder at who all those people were and what they were doing. And there was Holy Discussion on what it meant to be "gone" and uber-alien babies and moving mobiles next to windows that could be easily drafty. And the Seraslime and Cherubslime tried to compose hymns to the eps but could not because nothing important happened that ep.
And the Jebuslug pondered on these matters in His Heart and did finally say, "Mine Eyestalks are filled with sorrow for it is clear that Manners and Carter have been in the sauce when this ep was wrote, for this show and its circus of the stars hath clearly continued on too long." And the Slug was sorrowful at the thought that Gillian Anderson will have to put up with another year of this sort of writing, filled with weeping and alien babies and explanations about the Antislug that were not even half-baked at best.
And thinking on these things, the Jebuslug wept.
Because nothing important happened that day.
Season without end.
Amen.
Nothing Important Happened Today Part Deux
And on the seventh day, as the hour of 8:00 EST approacheth, the followers of the Jebuslug did cry in one voice:
"Oh Slug, our Slug, last week Thou didst hold our eyelids from closing; yet we are so troubled that we cannot speak. We consider the days of old, we remember the years long ago when she of the crunchiest spine was not a milquetoast of motherhood and the Antislug did put forward conspiracy theories and stories of alien abductions that held us in thrall. Oh Slug, will Carter ever, and never again be favorable to us? Has his steadfast love for ratings and Emmy awards ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time?"
And the Jebuslug, seeing the time had come for another teaching, did hear them and did say:
"For lo, the days of alien abduction and unexplained phenomena are as missing as the Manbat and gone with the AntiSlug. And the masses will now rejoice and embrace the concept of 'SUPER SOLDIERY'".
And the Holy Seruslime and Cherubslime did weep and wail, but the Jebuslug did order the Krycek once again to use the flaming remote of doom. And the television was turned on and the credits rolled.
And it came to pass that naked Xena-of-the-Gills did attempt to drown John surnamed Doggett and then, on a whim, did give life to him. And the Jebuslug did hopeth that they would not consummate their watery union as this season seemeth to give new meaning to the title "X-Files". And it was made that they did not do the nasty in a weightless environment and the Slug was pleased.
And John surnamed Doggett did awake to find Xena-of-the-Gills clothed, although he had somehow become naked and the Jebuslug made him ashamed. Then grew the Storyline of Babel and it was filled with supersoldiery and genetic engineering and John surnamed Doggett did adopt the countenance of the AntiSlug and did question why and who would do this.
And the attention of the Jebuslug did wander and he sent the Krycek off to mix up some of those damned fine dirty martinis to take the edge off. And many characters that no one cared about did come forth upon the screen and speak their lines apace. And the nitwit super soldiery was investigated by John surnamed Doggett, who no one did believe, and John surnamed Doggett was seen to take up the mantle of the Anti-Slug in defense of this idiotic-but-true super soldier thing for it seems that now it shall be John surnamed Doggett who is ALWAYS RIGHT.
Then the foul Kersh came upon the screen and did confront John surnamed Doggett about his investigation of wrongdoing at the FBI. And John surnamed Doggett had to admit that no goods had been gotten on foul Kersh. Then foul Kersh, in amazing imitation of both He Who Rode the Wheelchair to Glory and Walter surnamed Skinner , the Surly One, of seasons past, did imply that it was he who sent the Anti-Slug away. Or that it was he who leaked information of impending doom to the Anti-Slug and forced the Most Holy Host to lay on the pressure, most likely involving much weeping, it occurs to the Jebuslug, though He was not forced to sit through it during the interminable hour of characters He did not care about interacting. And it occurred to the Jebuslug also, that Carter is but a one-trick pony and while he changed silly conspiracy theories in mid-stream, he did not also change suspenseful plot-points and is now merely rehashing those of old. This was meant to leave all the Slug's children wondering whether or not foul Kersh is really on the side of the angels, or the Seruslime and Cheruslime, but the Jebuslug could not be buggered to care, and drank his martini in numb apathy.
Sometime later the Krycek sat again at the Jebuslug's left side and spake.
"Isn't there a re-run of The Sopranos on? That's a good show."
"Perhaps Xena-of-the-Gills shall become naked once more and her tasty spine shall be revealed," the Jebuslug did comment.
"Lot more nudity allowed on HBO," the Krycek replied, brandishing the remote of Doom. "At least usually. And there's "Queer as Folk" over on Blowtime."
"I do desire to see the Host once more," the Jebuslug said.
"Oh, yeah," Krycek snorted. "For like maybe two seconds at the end of the ep. I bet we get some dire hinting about the baby not being right, too. I tried to tell them. But did they listen to me? No. Shot me in the head instead. There was a smart move."
"They killed Krycek, the bastards!" the Jebuslug did say quaking with sarcasm, which is so unlike our merciful Slug that the Bus Driver, seated at the head did quake to hear it fall from His Sluggy Orafice.
"Do you actually care about any of this?" Krycek asked, indicating the whining version of the Dread Pud Roberts that now appeareth on the screen.
"I care about all my people," Jebuslug did say tetchily, sipping his martini.
"Yeah, right," the Krycek did snort.
And the Slug, who will tolerate no smart-asses, did strike the Krycek in the back of the head with his former prosthesis to warn him of His impending Sluggy wrath. And yet, by ep end, seeing that the Krycek's predictions were indeed true, our Slug wept fresh-water tears that the once mighty have fallen so low. And He did give the edict that the Seraphslime and Cherubslime should partake of dirty martinis and their singing did grow loopy and due to our divine Slug's wisdom, they did forget the travesty on the screen and did think on Slimier things.
And the Slug, did behold the drunken host and was filled with wrath. And He did shake His most Holy Eyestalks and He who has come to judge the Carter did say, "Behold, there are other shows to watch upon the television but it is Mine and Mine alone the duty of judging this once mesmerizing show. And I shall watch the eps and I shall pass judgement and I say that once again nothing important did happen this ep either to the extent that not even the title changed. And I will return after a two week bender to see if Carter will render to the Slug that which should be the Slug's or will continue down the path of not-even good intentions for that is the road to Hell."
And all the Slug's Children said "Amen."