Jokes, Sayings & Other Stuff

DUMB JOKE.
A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that many of the ladies had
boobs bigger than his mother's so he told his mother just that. She told
her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again, and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl and the longer he talks, the dumber he
gets."

RATING SYSTEM.

Two cowboys were leanin up against the rail at their favorite
bar... They're tired and worn out from a long day. Havin' a
couple of longnecks, just relaxin' and talkin', watchin' the
women go by...

This really beautiful brunette walks by, and the two cowboys
look at her, tip their hats back a little, look at each other,
smile, and one of them says, "I'll give her a 3." Other cowboy nods
slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 for sure."

Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic
looking blonde, comes walking by in front of them... First
cowboy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from his beer,
and says to the second cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a
4." And the second cowboy agrees, and says, "Yep... she sure is a
4."

Time passes on by, and the cowboys are still sippin' their
beers, just watchin' folks pass. And across the room comes
this absolutely gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful redhead...

As she comes near them, they both kinda straighten up, and tip
their hats back a little for a better look. First cowboy smiles
real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That one has GOT to
be a 6." And the second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep.
DEFINITELY a 6."

Well, the redhead hears them... and she is NOT amused.
She turns around real sharply and comes right up to the
two grinning cowboys...

She looks the first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me.
But, are you two actually standing there rating women??!?"

The cowboys look kinda embarrassed... lookin' down at
their boots, and they both nod. One of them says,
"Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't understand..."

She is REAL mad now... and looks at the cowboy and
says, "Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far
higher than that, by far better than YOU."

And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't
understand!" And she says, "Well. What is it I don't understand?
Here you are, rating women. I understand THAT."

And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a
different kinda rating system......."
The redhead says, "Oh. And what would THAT be?
No one has EVER rated me a SIX before..."

And the second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method,
ma'am."

So she asks..."What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"

And the first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, reallllll slowly,
"Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you
off of my face."

TESTIMONY OF A POLICE OFFICER...

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial...

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?.
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. WITH YOUR LIFE?? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a
locker room in the police station ... a room where you change your
clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.?
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker??
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH
YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room
you share with those officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that
room.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN.

NICKNAMES:
If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will
call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a beer, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head
and Useless.

EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in
$20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.

FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.

NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods
and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

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