THE BAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL # 11
by Mike Weaver (c) 2002
Forget the BBC, this series reminds us more of Fox's programming schedule for "Futurama". But anyway, IT'S:
THE BAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL
The story of an '80's band whose narrator is running out of new things to say here.
Starring Simon LeBon as the superhero on a mission, Warren Coocoorullo as the superhero he may or may not be talking to, and Stephen Duffy as the man whom, unfortunately, neither of them are really talking to, or they'd know more about what was going on.
You remember last time, Stephen Duffy was trying to fill Captain Whoosh and Flexor The Extra-Buff in on exactly what is going on. The Captain and Flexor, however, have "gotten the wrong end of the stick" and have decided that Duffy needs their help to get home to Britain, and plan to take him to the nearest UPS office to arrange this. You also remember that Invisible Boy was accidentally left at the hospital and has decided to hitchhike home. Meanwhile Imbibor The Profane and MoodMan, who haven't realized that Invisible Boy is not with them, were on their way to the UPS office themselves in order to track down where their costumes came from, when they stopped off for a quick bite to eat and stuck Invisible Boy with the bill.
We take you now to the street in front of the UPS office in Los Angeles, where a taxi pulls up and Captain Whoosh, Flexor, and Stephen Duffy get out. Captain Whoosh speaks as he pays the driver.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Here you are, my good man. And there's a little something for you.
FLEXOR: You *bleep*! That's my wallet again! And that was a twenty dollar tip you just gave him.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: You know Stephen, there sure is a lot of noise going on here for there not being anyone around that I can't hear for me not to talk to.
It took them a good five minutes to sort that line out. But finally the three enter the office and are noticed immediately by the man working behind the counter. The man recognises one of them.
UPS WORKER: Stephen? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be getting these guys to look for Nick!
STEPHEN: Hi, Corey. I tried, but there was some difficulty.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Ah, Stephen, so you know this rogue! Pray, is he on the side of goodness or E-vil?
STEPHEN: Well, most of his stuff was pretty good, but who among us hasn't resorted to a bit of evil doing to fill out an album? Guys, this is Corey Hart.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: As long as we're here, Mr. Hart, if that IS your real name, we needed to know who sent us this package.
Captain Whoosh plunks a box down onto the counter.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: This is the package in which our costumes arrived.
FLEXOR: *Bleep*, dude! Where'd that come from?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: I had it tucked into my costume.
FLEXOR: Yeah, right.
STEPHEN: If there was room in your costume for that, it's no wonder the Bunnies preferred Warren.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: ENOUGH of this chatter! Mr. Hart, WHO sent us this package?
COREY HART: UPS.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: I know they delivered it, but WHO sent it?
COREY HART: UPS.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: No, WHO sent it?
COREY HART: Stephen, do they even know what UPS is yet?
STEPHEN: I'm afraid not. When I tried to explain it to them, they got sidetracked.
COREY HART: Yes, concentration is one of the first things to go when you get old. Look at how long it took them to put out their last album.
FLEXOR: Hey, now, that wasn't all OUR *bleep*in' fault.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: And besides, I'm not that old.
FLEXOR: That's not the impression I got from the stewardess on the Bunnyplane!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: You shut up and keep out of this!
COREY HART: Both of you shut up! Listen, UPS stands for "United Pop Stars". We're a group dedicated to saving music from --
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: The doers of E-vil?
COREY HART: Well, uh, yes.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: We get to fight evil doers?
FLEXOR: Cool.
COREY HART: Yes. And your first assignment is to find your fellow superhero Fashion Man or WayneMan -- or whatever he's calling himself these days. He was last spotted in Orlando, Florida. Go get him.
FLEXOR: But we don't have a *bleep*in' car.
COREY HART: Take that UPS truck there. Here's the keys.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen of the restaurant, MoodMan speaks.
MOODMAN: Invisible Boy, I can't believe you wouldn't pay the bill.
IMBIBOR: Yeah, some *bleep*in' mate you are.
MOODMAN: And I'm getting all wrinkly in the dishwater.
IMBIBOR: Yeah, and you're Emotipatch's mouth has gone all jaggedy.
MOODMAN: SEE? I'm getting dishpan face!
IMBIBOR: THAT has nothing to do with the dishwashing liquid.
MOODMAN: Very funny. Hey, Invisible Boy, you're not keeping up. That was our bargain, old chap. Imbibor washes, I rinse, you dry. When you're part of a group, you have to work together for the greater good.
IMBIBOR: *Bleep*in' right. You can't just go off and do your own thing! You have to stick to it! All for one and all that *bleep*. We're not going anywhere until you finish drying each and every one of those *bleep* in' dishes.
MOODMAN: That's right. And we don't want to hear any back talk!
IMBIBOR: Come to think of it, we haven't heard any *bleep*in' kind of talk from Invisible Boy for some time now.
MOODMAN: That's not so strange. I didn't notice him hiding in my house for fifteen years.
IMBIBOR: No, I mean we didn't even hear him order his *bleep*in' meal, we ordered for him. And he didn't eat a single bite of it. Invisible Boy, are you there? [starts walking around with arms outstretched trying to touch Invisible Boy]
MOODMAN: What are you talking about? He's right here-- [reaches an arm out to pat Invisible Boy on the shoulder but gets nothing but air] He's gone! I can't believe he'd just quit like that! After all we've been through!
IMBIBOR: Ingrate. Okay, we gotta find the little *bleep*. Where'd we see -- hear him last?
MOODMAN: Last thing I remember him saying was that his arm was fine. That was back at the hospital.
IMBIBOR: To the hospital!
Meanwhile, on the road in the UPS truck:
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Turn on the radio for me, will you, old chap? This truck handles wonky and I can't take my hands off the wheel. And why are all the other drivers honking at me?
FLEXOR: This is the United States. We drive on the *bleep*in' other side of the road.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Oh. Right. But I'm not talking to you so Stephen will have to turn on the radio.
STEPHEN: Fine.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: And in sports news, England plays against Brazil in the quarterfinals of the World Cup Soccer tournament tomorrow. And this is the song the fans are singing. [radio plays "Rio"]
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Hey, that's our song!
RADIO ANNOUNCER: English soccer fans have been singing new lyrics to the song in honor of one of their star players, who is named Rio. This is NPR.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Say, lads, if England wins its game tomorrow, let's record a new version of "Rio" in honor of the World Cup!
FLEXOR: *Bleep*! That reminds me of the Bunnyplane stewardess!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Yes, DO tell this story...
FLEXOR: So anyway, the "Cap'n" here comes swaggering onto the Bunnyplane like somebody may actually want his puny, wrinkly old ass --
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Don't you dare! I'll hit you so hard!
FLEXOR: Bullbleep. First of all, you can't take your hands off the "wonky" steering wheel, and secondly, I'd knock your pansy ass so far into yesteryear you'll have to worry about recording "Rio" for the first time.
STEPHEN: You didn't get bleeped. You can say "ass"?
FLEXOR: Apparently. That may be handy to know. I must admit she had a pretty nice *bleep*. Hey, why'd I get bleeped now?
STEPHEN: Maybe two was your quota.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Flexor, shut up!
FLEXOR: You ain't talkin' to me, remember? So the Cap'n says "Hey there, aren't you a cute little bird" which I guess passes for a pickup line over there in Britain. Then he asks her what her name is and she says her name's "Rio". He says "Rio? I did a song called Rio. I'm Simon LeBon from Duran Duran." Then she gets all excited and he thinks she's excited to meet him and he's gonna get some but it then she says that her mother Peggy Sue named her Rio because it's the song she was conceived to!
STEPHEN: Quite a family tradition.
WEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
WILL our heroes find Nick? And if they do, WHAT will he be calling himself by then? And WILL Imbibor and MoodMan find Invisible Boy? And if so, HOW? Find out next time when we'll hear Invisible Boy say:
INVISIBLE BOY: Did I just feel raindrops?
That's next time on... The Band And The Beautiful
THE BAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL # 12
In the tradition of the old-time radio dramas comes Durandom's favourite soap opera:
THE BAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL
The story of an '80's band who just can't seem to produce with any regularity.
Starring Nick Rhodes as the man lost in Orlando, Roger Taylor as the man lost in Los Angeles, and the writer as the man lost in the plotline.
You remember last time Simon, Warren, and Stephen were sent by Corey Hart to find Nick Rhodes, who was last seen in Orlando. You also remember that Andy and John realized that Roger was no longer with them and set out to return to the hospital where they had last seen him.
We take you now to the UPS truck in which Captain Whoosh is listening to the news on the radio while driving Flexor The Extra-Buff and Stephen Duffy to Orlando. The radio announcer speaks.
ANNOUNCER: And finally, in sports, even an enthusiastic offer from the 80's pop group Duran Duran to re-record their hit song in honor of the English soccer player named "Rio" was not enough to help the English World Cup soccer team, as they lost their final match, and were eliminated from the tournament. We can only wonder what new lyrics singer Simon LeBon would put to the old tune. This is NPR radio.
FLEXOR: Dude, we all wonder every night what new lyrics Simon will put to the old tune when he forgets how it's supposed to go.
STEPHEN: So how would the new lyrics go, anyhow?
FLEXOR: Oh Rio, Rio, I can sing the song the same,
because the English soccer team has lost the game.
Oh Rio, Rio, I can't remember how you go
I guess I'd better find my bottle of Ginko.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: I think that's enough now, old chaps...
STEPHEN: How about:
Oh Rio, Rio, you are much too young for me,
But your mother's been a fan since nineteen eighty-three!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: I said, that's enough now!
FLEXOR: We're just havin' some *bleep*in' fun with ya!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Well cut it out and look out the window.
STEPHEN: I say, there's a sign saying "Welcome To Orlando". And there's a carnival...or an arts and crafts festival, or something.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: And THERE'S THE DRUMMOBILE!
Meanwhile, in John's car in Los Angeles...
MOODMAN: *Bleep*, man, I can hardly see to drive with all this rain.
IMBIBOR: I thought it wasn't supposed to rain in Southern California.
MOODMAN: No, never! Must be an unusual occurrence.
IMBIBOR: Must be.
MOODMAN: Talking of unusual occurrences, old bean, look up ahead.
IMBIBOR: You mean by the side of the road?
MOODMAN: Yeah. See how the rain is deflecting off something just over five feet off the ground?
IMBIBOR: But there's nothing there for it to deflect off of.
MOODMAN: What do you think we should do?
IMBIBOR: We're *bleep*in' superheroes, let's investigate!
Moodman drives past the anomaly and parks on a side road so as not to arouse suspicion. Our heroes get out of the car and stealthily make their way toward the strange phenomenon. As they approach, they speak only in the softest of whispers.
MOODMAN: What do you make of it, Imbibor?
IMBIBOR: I don't know, but I do know one thing: we got cheap costumes. Mine's starting to shrink in this rain!
MOODMAN: Let us make great haste, then!
IMBIBOR: Why's your Emotipatch suddenly look panicked?
MOODMAN: Shh! There's the anomaly. Touch it.
IMBIBOR: I don't wanna --
MOODMAN: Touch it!
IMBIBOR: But--
MoodMan points to his Emotipatch which now has a rather menacing look.
IMBIBOR: Man, that thing's creepin' me out.
Imbibor tentatively reaches toward the anomaly, then gets up his nerve and jabs it sharply with his index finger.
ANOMALY: WEEEOWOOHOO!
IMBIBOR: AAIIIEEEEE!
ANOMALY: AAIIEEEEE!
MOODMAN: AAIIEEEEEE!
The Emotipatch looks alarmed.
ANOMALY: You goosed me!
IMBIBOR: Roger? *Bleep*, you nearly scared the *bleep* outa me!
INVISIBLE BOY: Well, you did scare it outa me and it's a good thing I'm invisible!
MOODMAN: What are you doing here by the side of the road?
INVISIBLE BOY: Hitchhiking! What does it look like?
MOODMAN: Well, actually, it doesn't look like anything, old bean. I mean, seriously.
INVISIBLE BOY: What? Oh...
Meanwhile, at the Orlando Arts Festival...
FLEXOR: Like, how the *bleep* are we gonna find Nick here?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: We must be vigilant. Keep your eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary.
FLEXOR: You mean like if I see Andy Warhol at that exhibit of Kindergartners' fingerpaintings?
NICK: I'm sorry, little Suzie, but you failed to catch the true essence of man's struggle against his animal nature in an increasingly unfeeling, corporate economy. And are we really to believe by this overly jovial sphere that the sun, and by extrapolation, the heavens, or, indeed, God himself is smiling down upon the isolation which drives man to his more savage self?
SUZIE: It's just my doggie, Mr. Patches, playing outside with a bone!
NICK: Precisely! Patches, indicating the ragged state of man's soul, stripped to the bone...
WEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
WHAT has Nick been doing in Orlando all this time? And DOES he really look like Andy Warhol? And WILL Imbibor, MoodMan, and Invisible Boy ever make it to the UPS office? Find out next time when we'll hear Suzie say:
SUZIE: Maybe you'd like to explain the deep symbolism behind Interference?
That's next time on... The Band And The Beautiful
For other material, visit http://www.geocities.com/mrebaza/duranfic.html
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