you, this is my house, not any "bachelor pad".
SIMON: That doesn't matter. Listen, pay attention to me. I know how we can get to Los Angeles.
NICK: You, me, and all of the listeners who heard the NPR update at the end of the last episode.
SIMON: Now here's my plan. Hugh Hefner offered us the use of his private plane last time we visited the Playboy Mansion, remember? The radio said he's in London, so the plane is here, and he's heading back tonight. We can fly to L.A. with him, and that way we won't have to wait three days to take a commercial flight!
NICK: Well, grab Flexor and let's get ready to go!
SIMON: Can you rephrase that, please? Speaking of so-called "Flexor", his presence here presents a problem with my plan.
NICK: Only in your mind.
SIMON: We can't have him distracting the Bunny stewardesses on Hef's Bunnyplane with his "secret weapon". They need to be focused on me.
NICK: Because you're the "luv thang" for this series.
SIMON: Because I'm the "luv thang" for this series.
NICK: Let us all know, won't you, when you figure out exactly what that entails.
SIMON: Well, it definitely doesn't entail Bunny stewardesses being distracted by Flexor.
NICK: "Luv thang" or not, old bean, we're not kicking Flexor out of the band as you suggested last episode, nor are we leaving him behind on our flight as you were about to suggest now. So just shut up about it and let's get ready to leave. Call Hefner and ask if we can tag along on his plane.
Meanwhile, at John Taylor's house in Los Angeles:
JOHN: There there now, baby, you'll be all right.
ROGER: Okay, you're talking to a patch on your leotard, and I'm the one seeing a therapist. Hey, don't you stick your tongue out at me!
JOHN: I'm not.
ROGER: Your bloody patch is. Great, look at me, now I'm talking to a patch. Look, enough of this mucking about. Shouldn't we be investigating that package our costumes came in?
JOHN: But he's hurt! See, his eyes are little X's! What's the rush, anyway?
ROGER: The rush is that we're on episode 7 already and all we've done is receive our costumes, get treated to slightly obscene loincloth views from Andy--
JOHN: "Slightly" obscene?
ROGER: --and talk to a patch on your leotard. This plot is moving awfully slowly.
JOHN: There's supposed to be a plot?
ROGER: Well, anyway, let's go find Andy and go to the UPS office where the package came from.
JOHN: Oh, all right, old chap, but where will we look?
Just then, a loud thud and a yell are heard from the roof.
JOHN: I say, I think we found him.
ROGER: Are -- are you sure it's him? Not -- not a -- f-f-fan?
A Warbled "Tarzan" yell is heard from the roof...
JOHN: I'm pretty sure that's Andy.
ROGER: I think I'll turn invisible just to be safe...
... followed by an astonishingly loud belch.
JOHN & ROGER: That's him.
Meanwhile, back in London, Simon is talking to Hugh Hefner on the telephone while Nick and Flexor are packing for their trip. Simon speaks.
SIMON: Yeah, that'll be great, Hef... yeah, you're really helping us out of a jam... well, we're supposed to save the world or something but we can't get a flight to L.A... no, I'm not quite sure what L.A. has to do with saving the world either. I always rather thought it would be opposite... No, just the two of us--
NICK: THREE!
SIMON: --Three of us... yeah, I guess he's coming too... I know!... Well, I'm trying to be... I told them, but... yeah, well, if anybody can help with that, you can, Hef. Thanks a lot, Hef, you're a lifesaver!
NICK: Simon, bad show, old chap. You just hung up on him without saying goodbye!
SIMON: Nobody ever says goodbye at the end of a phone conversation on T.V. or radio.
NICK: Quite right, old bean, I wonder why that is.
FLEXOR: All right, so when the *bleep* are we leaving?
SIMON: Ah, "Flexor". I've missed your subtle turns of phrase the last couple episodes.
FLEXOR: *Bleep*.
SIMON: Well said. We leave next episode. Hurry up and get ready.
Meanwhile, --I need a new word for that. I'll have to check my thesaurus. Anyway, meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, John, dressed as Moodman, and Roger as Invisible boy have climbed up onto the roof, where they find Andy Taylor still dressed as Imbibor The Profane. Imbibor speaks.
IMBIBOR: Hey, you guys, c'mere!
MOODMAN: Don't call me that! I don't like it.
IMBIBOR: Don't call you "guy"? Exactly what would you prefer?
MOODMAN: Don't call me "Moodman".
IMBIBOR: I didn't.
MOODMAN: But the script did. Look, it did it again.
IMBIBOR: Shut up. And stop pouting.
MOODMAN: I'm not pouting.
IMBIBOR: Your Emotipatch is.
MOODMAN: He is? Oh, thank goodness! I thought I'd lost you! I'm so glad to have you back. Are you feeling okay?
IMBIBOR: What the *bleep*'s that all about?
INVISIBLE BOY: I'm not sure. It's sort of affecting me too.
IMBIBOR: Why's he petting and talking baby talk to his chest?
INVISIBLE BOY: It's his Emotipatch. Remember?
IMBIBOR: Yeah, that's *bleep* in' great! Like of all people we need his emotions broadcast to the world. I thought we were supposed to be saving the *bleep* in' planet.
INVISIBLE BOY: Why are you on the roof, Imbibor?
IMBIBOR: Just practicing my swinging.
INVISIBLE BOY: I thought you did that in bars.
IMBIBOR: I ran out of vines and got stuck up here.
INVISIBLE BOY: Vines? In Los Angeles?
MOODMAN: Izz you feeling better now? Yes you are! Yes you are!
IMBIBOR: Well, let's get the *bleep* off this roof. Where's your ladder?
INVISIBLE BOY: Right here -- oops!
MOODMAN: Yess, you izz happy now, izzn't you? Yes-- why do you suddenly look shocked?
INVISIBLE BOY: Sorry, I accidentally knocked over the ladder.
MOODMAN: Now what are we going to do? My Emotipatch is frightened.
INVISIBLE BOY: As we are of your Emotipatch.
IMBIBOR: Wait a *bleep*in' minute. This shouldn't be a problem. We're superheroes, right?
INVISIBLE BOY: Supposedly.
IMBIBOR: Superheroes can fly, right?
MOODMAN: Hey, that's right!
INVISIBLE BOY: Well, not necessarily. Not all superheroes--
MOODMAN: Shall we try it? What do you think, wuzzums? Should we? Yes we should! Yes we should! Does him think we should?
IMBIBOR: The question is, which one of us will try it?
INVISIBLE BOY: But, Imbibor, not all--
IMBIBOR: Great! Invisible Boy just *bleep*in' volunteered! Now where are you? Ah, there you are. I hope I'm not grabbing any unmentionable parts of you.
INVISIBLE BOY: Put me down! Not all superheroes can fly!
IMBIBOR: Really?
MOODMAN: Then what's the point of being a superhero?
IMBIBOR: You should have told me that before I tossed you off the roof, Invisible Boy.
INVISIBLE BOY: What are you talking about? [looks down] AAAIIEEE! You tossed me off the roof!
The sound of Invisible Boy's voice trails off, then a loud thud is heard and a Roger-shaped indentation on the ground appears. The indentation's arm is twisted in a direction that arms are not supposed to twist.
INVISIBLE BOY: Ow! You broke my arm!
WWWWWEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
IS Invisible Boy's arm broken? And CAN any of our heroes fly? And speaking of flying, WILL Simon allow Flexor to get on the Bunnyplane with him? Find out next time when we'll hear Imbibor The Profane say:
IMBIBOR: I wonder if Def Leppard's drummer is available.
That's next time on...The Band And The Beautiful
THE BAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL VIII
The story of an '80's band discovering if they can fly without the use of certain controlled substances.
Starring John Taylor as Sybil, Roger Taylor as the superhero who can't fly, and Warren Cuchurrullo as the man whose name I can't spell properly.
You remember last time, Simon had phoned Hugh Hefner and booked passage on the Bunnyplane for the band. You also remember that Imbibor The Profane has tossed Invisible Boy off of the roof in order to see if, as superheroes, they can fly. As it turns out, Invisible Boy, for one, can't, and has broken his arm.
We take you now to the roof of John Taylor's Los Angeles home, where Moodman and Imbibor The Profane look down toward where Invisible Boy fell. Invisible Boy speaks.
INVISIBLE BOY: Ow.
IMBIBOR: Holy *bleep*.
MOODMAN: Uh oh.
IMBIBOR: Well, we know he can't *bleep*in' fly.
MOODMAN: Uh oh.
IMBIBOR: You know, I've never seen an emoticon display that level of shock and disbelief.
MOODMAN: What -- what do we do now?
IMBIBOR: We find a way down from here and help him!
MOODMAN: I'm not gonna try to fly down from here!
IMBIBOR: Tell your Emotipatch to uncross its arms. I'm not going to throw you off the roof. You know, that is one *bleep*in' talented Emotipatch.
MOODMAN: Didz you hear that, wuzzums? Him said you were talented! Of course you are, yes you are!
IMBIBOR: Stop that. You're creeping me out. Come on, we can climb down this drain pipe.
Whilst -- I looked in my thesaurus -- Imbibor and Moodman spoke, in London our boys don their costumes and load their things into the Drummobile. Captain Whoosh speaks.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Okay, chaps, are we ready to go?
WAYNEMAN: All except for Flexor.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Where the h*ll is he?
WAYNEMAN: Last I saw of him, he was in the shower.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: He seems to be spending an awful lot of time there lately.
WAYNEMAN: Yes, quite. Too bad it hasn't cleaned up his mouth.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: He's probably busy polishing his "secret weapon".
WAYNEMAN: Will you leave that alone already?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: I don't want to have anything to do with it!
WAYNEMAN: Talking of showers, did you hear about what Flexor's doing now? In-shower interviews! On film!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Okay, now this episode's just getting silly.
WAYNEMAN: No! Honest! I read about it on the Internet! Come on inside and I'll show you!
Simultaneously, in London, former Duran singer turned UPS agent Stephen Duffy is speaking on the telephone in his flat. Stephen speaks. --And you thought we'd forgotten about him, didn't you?
STEPHEN: Yes, boss, like I said, I told them three episodes ago that the package came from Los Angeles. I don't know what's taking them so long... Yes, well, I imagine that Captain Whoosh and Flexor are having arguments over whose "secret weapon" is better... oh, yeah, of course his is. I agree completely... well, the delay is good because now I've had extra time to plan out the operation so it should go without a hitch... I don't know, what do you think we should call it? How about "Operation Missing Person"... Yeah, you're right, too obvious. How about "Operation Secret Oktober"? ... "Operation Surreptitiously Serious?" ... "Private Palomino?" ... "Veiled Vertigo?" ... "Furtive Fragment?" ... Right, I'll skip the naming and stick to the planning. Anyway, did you talk to Houston? ... Good. So they're gonna play "Hold Back The Rain" for the astronauts? ... Great. Our plan is proceeding apace! ... yeah, right, except for the plot.
Okay, so what was all that about? But concurrently, in Los Angeles, Imbibor and Moodman have climbed down from the roof and have helped Invisible Boy inside. Invisible Boy speaks.
INVISIBLE BOY: Ow.
IMBIBOR: Yes, you've said that. Moodman, does his arm look bad?
MOODMAN: I can't tell! He's invisible!
IMBIBOR: Oh, yeah, right. *Bleep*.
MOODMAN: My Emotipatch thinks we should take Invisible Boy to the hospital.
IMBIBOR: Your Emotipatch said that. Great.
MOODMAN: Yes. He's my best friend. He's the only one who truly understands me.
IMBIBOR: Holy *bleep*. And I'm supposed to save the world with this lot! And what the *bleep* are we doing hanging out with each other anyway?
MOODMAN: Help me carry him to the car, Imbibor.
IMBIBOR: I mean, it's not like we're doing any recordings together, or anything.
MOODMAN: IMBIBOR!
IMBIBOR: What? Oh, *bleep*! All right, all right. Lemme grab him here -- no, how do I know where to grab? I mean he's *bleep*in' invisible!
MOODMAN: He can tell us if we've got the right place. Okay, Invisible Boy?
INVISIBLE BOY: Right, old chap.
MOODMAN: Imbibor, you get his legs, and I'll get his torso. Ready?
IMBIBOR: Okay! There, I got you, Invisible Boy. Is that okay?
INVISIBLE BOY [in a very high voice]: That's a little too high!
IMBIBOR: Oops! Sorry, buddy. There, I think I've got your ankles now.
INVISIBLE BOY: Much better, thanks.
IMBIBOR: You know, Invisible Boy, you're gonna have to turn *bleep*in' visible when you get to the hospital, so that the doctors can see what they're doing!
INVISIBLE BOY: Oh, no, I'm not! Someone at the hospital might recognize me!
IMBIBOR: Well, I can see this is gonna make for one *bleep*in' interesting scene next episode!
Don't make promises the writers can't deliver, Imbibor. But contemporaneously, back in London, WayneMan has booted up the Bat Computer and he and Captain Whoosh are looking up the aforementioned webpage. Nick speaks.
WAYNEMAN: Doesn't anyone wonder how events can be happening simultaneously in London and Los Angeles? Has it occurred to the writers that while it's daytime in one, it's the middle of the night in the other?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Does it matter, old bean? I mean, it's not as if anyone buys this crap anyway.
WAYNEMAN: Talking of "buying that crap", as you so delicately put it, here's the webpage.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Okay, lemme see.
WAYNEMAN: See? Right there. Posted to the "Duran Duran Discussion News Board."
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Yeah, okay, where is it?
WAYNEMAN: Right here. See? I'm telling the truth. This is an actual webpage.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Where are you looking? I don't see it. Read it to me.
WWWWWWEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
WILL Invisible Boy's trip to the hospital make for an interesting scene next episode? Or WILL it end up just being more of this same garbage? And WHAT was that phone call of Stephen Duffy's all about? WHO is this boss he was talking to? And WHAT is "Operation To Be Named Later" all about, and WHAT does it have to do with the Space Shuttle Astronauts? Find out next time when we'll hear WayneMan say:
WAYNEMAN [reading verbatim from actual website]: "If you're a Private Parts member, you've got a lot to look forward to over the next year, as we've got several of these filmed already...including one filmed by Joe Travers in the dressing room shower after Warren's last Duran show in Japan. The most recent one is being termed 'the gay one.' It was hosted by Joe Black of IN Magazine (a Los Angeles gay bi-weekly), and filmed by their photographer, Jimmy, both of whom were allowed to 'just touch.' ".
Honestly, why am I even bothering to make stuff up?
That's next time on...THE BAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL.
In the tradition of the BBC, when you're never quite sure when your favourite show will return, comes Durandom's favourite soap opera:
THE BAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL # 9
The story of an '80's band whose series has been stalled for six months.
Starring Simon LeBon as the frustrated lead singer, Warren Cuckoorillo as the man whose name I still can't spell, and Roger Taylor as the man whose broken arm has, no doubt, healed by now.
If you can remember that far back, last time in London, Simon and Nick, alias Captain Whoosh and WayneMan, were waiting for Warren, alias Flexor The Extra-Buff, to get out of the shower so that they could meet Hugh Hefner at the airport and ride the Bunnyplane to Los Angeles in order to investigate the origin of the package in which their superhero costumes were delivered.
You also remember that former Duran singer Stephen Duffy was working for UPS, who delivered said package, and that Duffy was speaking on the phone to someone about a "secret plan" involving our heroes.
You also remember that in Los Angeles, Roger, alias Invisible Boy, had broken his arm in a failed experiment to see if the boys' new superhero status came with the power of flight. You also also remember that John and Andy, alias MoodMan and Imbibor The Profane, planned to take Roger to the hospital to have his arm looked at, and that none of these three seemed particularly concerned about where their superhero costume package had come from.
As we rejoin our story (finally), it is now six months later, and Captain Whoosh and Flexor The Extra-Buff are sitting with their arms crossed and their backs to one another in chairs at a terminal at LAX airport in Los Angeles. Stephen Duffy comes rushing up to them. Stephen speaks.
STEPHEN: For the love of -- so THERE you guys are!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Stephen Duffy? What are you doing here in Los Angeles?
STEPHEN: I've been looking everywhere for you guys! Where have you been?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: We've been right here. What do you want us for?
STEPHEN: The producers sent me to find you. We've been waiting six months for you to show up because you've got the script for the next episode.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Yeah, I read it. It was really funny, too.
STEPHEN: So where is it?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Uh, I think I left it in the Drummobile.
STEPHEN: Which is back in England.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: No, it's supposed to be here in L.A.
STEPHEN: What? You better tell me what's been going on.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Okay.
[the picture goes all wavy]
STEPHEN: Why are we all wavy?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: The picture always goes wavy when there's a flashback.
STEPHEN: Oh. Wait a minute. What picture?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH [narrating]: After we finally got Warren, the film crew, and the audience out of the shower, Warren --
FLEXOR [interrupting the narration]: I'm Flexor!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH [narrating]: Shut up! Flexor, WayneMan, and I got in the Drummobile and headed for the airport. Along the way Flexor had a realization: Nick didn't need to pretend to be "WayneMan" any more.
FLEXOR: Dude, don't you need a new name now that you've told us that you just got the *bleep*in' Batman stuff at an auction?
WAYNEMAN: Yes, quite right, old chap. "WayneMan" is not a very good name. Hmm, what's it to be?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: You were supposed to be "Fashion Man".
WAYNEMAN: No, not that. Too "second episode".
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Looking at those glasses, how about "Elton Man"?.
WAYNEMAN: Not very creative, is it?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: And "WayneMan" was?
FLEXOR: How about *Bleep*?
WAYNEMAN: Too unprintable.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH [narrating]: Try as we might, we couldn't think of a name that suited Nick. Finally, we gave up and I said that we'd just have to call him "Hero To Be Named Later" for now, because we had arrived at the airport. We parked the Drummobile and went into the terminal where we had to pass through security to get to the Bunnyplane.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Hey, bit of all right! They're playing "Hungry Like The Wolf" on that Security Guard's radio!
SECURITY GUARD: I.D., please?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Here you go, lad.
SECURITY GUARD: "Captain Whoosh", is it? Well, your I.D. appears to be in order. But I'm going to have to ask to see under your hood there.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Aw, but then you'll recognize me!
SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry sir, but it's the law now.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Oh, all right. But don't start squealing and causing a scene. I don't want to be mobbed by fans. Here you go.
SECURITY GUARD: Thank you sir. Next?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: That's it?
SECURITY GUARD: What's it?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: You didn't squeal.
SECURITY GUARD: Was I supposed to?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: But I'm Simon LeBon! SIMON LEBON! You know, from Duran Duran?
SECURITY GUARD: From who, sir?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: The pop band? Duran Duran? On your radio right now?
SECURITY GUARD: Um...
RADIO DJ: That was "Hungry Like The Wolf", and this is BBC 2's oldies hour...
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Never mind...
FLEXOR: Move it along, dude! My turn! Here's my *bleep*in' I.D.
SECURITY GUARD: "Flexor The Extra-Buff". No, no, please sir, put that back on. I DON'T need to see under your costume. Next?
HERO TO BE NAMED LATER: Here you go.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, this I.D. is blank.
HTBNL: I know, I'm to be named later.
SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you pass with a blank I.D.
HTBNL: What? But... but... how will I get to Los Angeles?
[the picture goes wavy again as the flashback ends]
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: So I gave Nick the keys to the Drummobile and told him to meet us here.
STEPHEN: So you gave the keys to your car-boat to Nick, who doesn't drive and who gets seasick.
FLEXOR: Dude, but he can juggle!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Shut up! We're not talking to you! Besides, what good does juggling do him?
STEPHEN: My god, Nick could beanywhere! Like -- in the whole world! And he has the script!
FLEXOR: Tell him about the Bunnyplane!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Shut up!
FLEXOR: Dude, like the "Cap'n" there's all *bleep*ed off 'cause the Bunnies liked my secret powers better than his.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: They did not! Shut up! I'm not speaking to you!
FLEXOR: The Bunnies kept my raincoat as a souvenir. So, like, we've been *bleep*in' sitting here for six months because he won't talk to me and he won't give me my I.D. so I can claim my baggage and he won't give me my money so I can get a taxi and get out of here.
STEPHEN: Why does he have your I.D. and money?
FLEXOR: I, like, don't have any pockets, dude.
STEPHEN: Yes, unfortunately I see that.
WEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
WILL Stephen Duffy be able to convince Captain Whoosh to let Flexor have his I.D. and money back so they can all leave the airport? WHERE in the world is Nick? And HAS he thought of a new name yet? And WHAT has been happening with the Taylors all this time? And IF they couldn't do a show for six months because Nick had the script in the Drummobile, HOW are they doing one now? --And DO you care? Find out next time when we'll hear Stephen Duffy say:
STEPHEN: You two have been sitting there for six months dressed like that and you haven't been arrested?
FLEXOR: It is L.A., Dude.
That's next time on... The Band And The Beautiful
In the tradition of the BBC, when you’re never quite sure when your favourite show will return, comes Durandom’s favourite soap opera:
THE BAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL #10
The story of an ‘80’s band trying to figure out what it’s been doing for the past six months -- and if they succeed, won’t that be a first for them?
Starring Warren Cuchoorello as the man preferred by 4 out of 5 bunnies, and the rest of the world as being very confused as to why.
You remember last time, former-Duran-singer-turned-UPS-clerk Stephen Duffy found our heroes at Los Angeles’ LAX airport where they had been sitting for six months while the rest of us waited for them to show up at the recording studio to do the next episode of the series. Captain Whoosh related the story of how he and Flexor flew to L.A. on Hugh Hefner’s Bunnyplane while Nick, as the Hero To Be Named Later, had to drive the car-boat Drummobile to L.A., even though he can’t drive and gets seasick on boats. Not surprisingly, Nick, who has the next episode’s script, has not yet shown up in L.A. You also remember that Simon and Warren are not speaking to each other, due to Simon’s jealousy of the bunnies’ preference for Warren’s secret weapon. You also also remember that Imbibor The Profane and MoodMan were taking Invisible Boy to the hospital after having broken Invisible Boy’s arm in a successful experiment to see if they could fly.
We take you now to a Los Angeles hospital, where Imbibor, MoodMan, and Invisible Boy have just arrived. Imbibor parks the car, then speaks.
IMBIBOR: What do you mean, “successful experiment”?
You got your answer didn’t you? I’d call that “successful”. Just because it wasn’t the answer you wanted doesn’t make it “unsuccessful”.
IMBIBOR: *Bleep*.
MoodMan gets out of the car and opens the back door.
MOODMAN: Okay, Invisible Boy, wherever you are. Out of the car.
INVISIBLE BOY: I’m out already. I’m right behind you.
MOODMAN [turning around]: Oh?
INVISIBLE BOY: OW! You just hit be in da dose.
IMBIBOR [running around the car to the others]: Okay, where is he? Let’s get him inside quick and *ble--
INVISIBLE BOY: OWOW! Imbibor ged ov by foot!
IMBIBOR: Oh, *bleep*, sorry, dude! C’mon, let’s get you inside.
INVISIBLE BOY: Wait a minute! I’m okay. I don’t need to go inside.
MOODMAN: What are you talking about? What about your arm?
INVISIBLE BOY: It’s been six months since the last episode. My arm’s fine.
IMBIBOR: Oh. So, uh, now what do we do?
INVISIBLE BOY: Well, since we’re out this way anyhow, we could stop by the UPS office and see if we can track down where the package containing our costumes came from.
IMBIBOR: Well, *bleep*, I guess.
MOODMAN [getting into the car]: Hey, we could act like real superheroes, tracking down the leads on a case!
IMBIBOR [getting into the car]: I guess that could be cool.
INVISIBLE BOY: Guys, you locked the doors. Lemme in.
IMBIBOR [starting the car]: Maybe some evil villain sent ‘em to us and I’ll have to kick th *bleep* outa him!
The car pulls away.
INVISIBLE BOY: GUYS! WAIT UP! Oh-- oh-- *bloop*.
Meanwhile, Stephen Duffy, Captain Whoosh, and Flexor The Extra Buff are finishing their meal at a Los Angeles restaurant. Captain Whoosh speaks.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: So tell us, Stephen, old bean, what were you doing in Los Angeles to begin with? Shouldn’t you be in London at your UPS job?
STEPHEN: I am at my UPS job.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH & FLEXOR [in unison]: What? You are at your UPS job?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Flexor, you shut up! Just because I gave you back your I.D. so we could get out of the airport and get something to eat doesn’t mean I’m talking to you again and it certainly doesn’t mean that I want to speak with you in unison! Go on, Stephen, what do you mean?
STEPHEN: All right. It’s time you knew the truth. I work for UPS, true. But UPS isn’t what you think it is.
FLEXOR: Well, dude, I think it’s a worldwide organization which handles the shipping of parcels to almost anywhere in the world by virtue of its linked and integrated local offices.
STEPHEN: Okay, so it is what you think it is, but that’s not all it is. It’s more.
FLEXOR: *Bleep*.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: I told you to stay out of this! Now, Stephen, how is it you came to be in LA?
STEPHEN: Well, I flew here in a UPS cargo plane.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Ah-HAH! I have it! So you accidentally were locked into the cargo hold of a plane while you were loading the parcels to be delivered here to LA, is that it?
STEPHEN: What? No, I --
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Come, Flexor! Our purpose is clear! We must take Stephen here to the nearest UPS office so that they can send him back to London on the next available plane! -- Wait, I’m not talking to you! I’ll take Stephen to the UPS office!
STEPHEN: No, listen. UPS doesn’t really stand for “United Parcel Service”! It stands for --
FLEXOR: Too late, Captain “I’m-not-talking-to-Flexor”! You talked to me!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: No I didn’t! Now come along, Stephen, let’s go!
STEPHEN: But you’ve got it all wrong!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: No I don’t, good citizen! Helping those in need is what I do, for I am: CAPTAIN WHOOSH (whoosh, whoosh, whoosh)!
FLEXOR: Where the *bleep* did the reverb come from?
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: Stephen, you go hail us a cab while I pay for this good meal!
STEPHEN [sighing]: All right. Maybe Corey can straighten you out once we get to the office. [goes outside]
FLEXOR: Hey! That’s my *bleep*in’ wallet! You’re using my *bleep*in’ money to pay the bill!
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: I can’t hear you-- Wait! What’s that I see? Two other costumed customers just walked into the restaurant! What do you make of that, Flexor?
FLEXOR: I dunno, dude. One looks like Ted Nugent and the other one looks like a - a gymnast mime with a smiley face on his chest. Now the smiley face has turned suspicious. And by the way, dude, you just spoke to me.
CAPTAIN WHOOSH: I bloody well did not. Come, let us leave before these costumed foes cause us trouble! We have more important things afoot than to brawl with common superheroes. Whoosh!
MOODMAN: Imbibor, did you see those two guys who just walked out the door?
IMBIBOR: Yeah, I’m glad my *bleep*in’ costume is better than theirs! Did you see that, Invisible Boy?
MOODMAN: I’m just thankful your costume is at least a bit larger than that fellow’s, Imbibor. [pulling out chairs from the table] Here, Invisible Boy, you can sit here with your back to the wall so no fans can sneak up on you, and Imbibor, here’s your seat.
IMBIBOR: Thanks. Well, let’s *bleep*in’ eat up and then it’s on to the UPS office. You’ve been here before, haven’t you, Invisible Boy? What do you recommend?
MOODMAN: I say, sorry to interrupt, Invisible old boy, but last time I was here I had the salmon and it was quite delicious!
Meanwhile, by the side of the road a couple miles from the hospital:
INVISIBLE BOY: Man, I gotta walk all this way -- no sign of a taxi anywhere. -- Hey, that truck almost hit me! This is gonna be a long walk. I’d better hitchhike.
WEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
Just HOW long will the walk be? And HOW long will it take for Imbibor and MoodMan to realize that Invisible Boy is not with them? WILL Stephen ever be able to get through to Captain Whoosh and Flexor? And IS Captain Whoosh really speaking to Flexor?
Find out next time when we’ll hear MoodMan say:
MOODMAN: I hate to do this to you, Invisible Boy, old bean, but could you pick up the tab? Imbibor and I left our wallets at home.
That’s next time on... The Band And The Beautiful
For other material, visit http://www.geocities.com/mrebaza/duranfic.html
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