In the tradition of the old-time radio dramas comes
Durandom's favourite soap opera:
The Band And The Beautiful
The story of an ever-shrinking eighties band trying to
hang on in the hostile world of 21st
century music.
Starring Simon LeBon as the rambling lead singer, Nick
Rhodes as the synthesist trying to
maintain a whiff of dignity, and Warren Cuccurrullo as
Rodney Dangerfield.
Our story (which begins before Warren has left the
band) opens today at Duran Duran's bachelor
pad in London, where all three remaining band members
are staying. Nick Rhodes speaks.
NICK: I say, what do you mean "Duran Duran's bachelor
pad"? This is my house!
SIMON: Righto, old chap. And we live here!
NICK: Simon, you do not live here!
SIMON: Actually, Nick old bean, I've been living here
for a couple of days now in preparation
for this new series. So has Warren. Right, Warren?
WARREN: Like fer shur, dude. I been here for a
couple of months!
NICK: You have not!
WARREN: Like yeah I have, dude.
NICK: Warren, old chap, I think I would know if you'd
been living in my house.
WARREN: Well, dude, I haven't technically been living
in your house. I've been sleeping out
on your back patio. You really should check out there
more often.
NICK: All right, let's say I accept that you've both
been living here without my knowledge. We
have more important matters to discuss.
SIMON: Quite right, Nick old chap. Like for instance
where the hell did we get these lousy
accents? They don't sound a bit like us.
WARREN: Fer shur, dude.
SIMON: Well, Warren kinda does, but I don't. I'm not
whiny like this.
NICK: Right. Yes. Well. As I was saying, let's
accept that you've both been living here and
that these voices are indeed ours. We have more
important matters to discuss, like--
SIMON: Yeah, like where the hell is my family? And
aren't your wives worried about where
you are?
NICK: Am I currently married? I know I have been
married, but I'm not sure if I am right now.
SIMON: I'm not certain, either, Nick. We'll have to
check on that and get back to you. But
what about you, Warren?
WARREN: Uh, yeah, well, no, uh, well I don't think
I'm married. Better check for me too,
though, just to make sure. Might have O.D.'ed on
Yohimbine one night and ya' never know.
SIMON: Anyway, let's get back to this voice thing.
NICK: Simon, don't worry about the voice thing.
[whispers] The producers couldn't afford to
hire any more than two actors to play all the parts.
There are only so many different sounding
voices they can do.
SIMON: But you and I sound almost identical!
NICK: Drop it! Now can we move on to the task at
hand?
WARREN: Like, what is the task at hand, dude?
NICK: Apparently getting this soap opera off the
ground.
SIMON: Actually, old chap, "off the ground" is not
far from the mark.
NICK: Meaning what?
SIMON: Apparently we're supposed to be Super Heroes
in this show. Our mild-mannered alter
egos are Duran Duran, but our secret identities are
Supermen!
NICK: That's likely the first time anyone ever
referred to Duran Duran as "mild-mannered".
WARREN: Cool, dude! We get to be Supermen! Up, up
and away!
SIMON: Go, SuperWarren! Whoosh!
[sound of footsteps running, door opening and closing,
and a muffled splash]
NICK: Great. You got Warren so excited he just ran
straight out my patio door and into the
pool.
SIMON: Amazing that he thought to close the patio
door in all his excitement. But don't worry
about that now, old bean, let's find out what our
secret identities are.
NICK: I just had that pool cleaned.
SIMON: Let's see, I get to be... hmmm...where does
it say...?
NICK: Gonna get all that buff muscle oil lotion stuff
all in the water.
SIMON: Nick, shut up! You're ruining my
concentration.
NICK: Not a Herculean task. But how come you know so
much about what's going on?
SIMON: I looked ahead in the script.
NICK: You got a script? That's just wizard, old
bean. They're using my house, getting greasy
Americans in my pool, and they give you the script.
All right, Spielberg, so what now?
SIMON: Well, right now, we're supposed to receive a
mysterious letter in the mail.
[doorbell rings]
NICK: That was good timing.
Nick walks to the front door and opens it to find a
postal carrier standing there.
NICK: Yes?
MILD MANNERED MALE CARRIER: Hello, sir. I have a
registered letter for you. Could you
just sign here, please?
NICK: Sure. There you go.
MILD MANNERED MALE CARRIER: Thank you sir. By the
way, you don't own any real
estate other than this house, do you?
NICK: Uh, no, why?
MILD MANNERED MALE CARRIER: That's good. Just
thought I'd ask. Good day, sir.
[door closes]
NICK: That was odd.
SIMON: OPEN IT! OPEN IT! It's the Mysterious Letter
whose coming was foretold to us by
the Script!
NICK: All right, all right, old chap. Keep your
shirt on. Please.
SIMON: I tried telling Warren that once, but it
didn't do any good.
[sound of envelope being torn open]
NICK: Why, this is from --
WWWEEEEEELLLLLLLLL!!!
WHO is the letter from? WHAT are the Secret
Identities of the band members? WHAT was
that crack about real estate all about? And IS that
the first time anyone ever referred to Duran
Duran as "mild-mannered"? Find out next time when
we'll hear Warren say:
WARREN: Hey, dude, did you know your pool is full of
water?
That's next time on: THE BAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL
THE BAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL # 2
In the tradition of the old-time radio dramas comes
Durandom's favourite soap opera:
The Band And The Beautiful
The story of an ever-shrinking eighties band trying to
hang on in the hostile world of 21st
century music.
Starring Simon LeBon as the rambling lead singer, Nick
Rhodes as the synthesist trying to
maintain a whiff of dignity, and Warren Cuccurullo as
Rodney Dangerfield.
You remember last time Nick discovered that Simon and
Warren had, unknown to him, been
living in his house for some time. You also remember
that Warren had gotten excited when
Simon revealed that they were to be superheroes, and
fell into Nick's pool. You also also
remember that Nick received a Mysterious Letter by
registered mail.
We join our story just seconds after the end of the
last episode. Simon speaks.
SIMON: Okay, so who's the letter from, old chap?
NICK: Well, it's from --
Just then, Warren returns from the pool, soaking wet.
WARREN: Hey, Nick, dude! You got a *BLEEP*in' towel?
NICK: Oh yes, quite right old bean! Oh dear, you're
dripping all over my carpeting! Here, it's
in the water closet. This way. Quickly now, you're
dripping!
WARREN: This is your *BLEEP*in' fault, Simon. You
got me all wound up with that super
hero talk an' I fell in the pool.
SIMON: Whoosh.
NICK: Warren, if you'd really been sleeping out on my
back patio for some time as you claim,
I'd think that you'd have known there was a pool
there. You know, it's interesting how the water
just beads up on your skin, rather like --
WARREN: Turtle Wax.
NICK: Precisely. What tanning oil do you use?
WARREN: Turtle Wax.
SIMON: Look, this is all riveting dialogue, but if
Warren is quite dry now could we please hear
that letter?
WARREN: Nick got a letter, dude?
SIMON: Yes, a Mysterious Letter. I figure it's going
to tell us what our superhero identities are.
NICK: Simon, you said last episode that you'd looked
ahead in the script to see what our
identities are! Why do you need the letter to tell
you that?
SIMON: As you said, Nick old bean, I said I looked
ahead. I didn't say I'd actually read it.
NICK: Oh, brother...
WARREN: So what the *BLEEP* does the letter say?
Who's it from?
Nick rips open the envelope and unfolds the letter.
NICK: Why, it's from my Auntie Grizelda.
SIMON: You listen to her too much.
WARREN: She doesn't like me one bit.
SIMON: Actually, Warren, our fans don't like you
either, at least not as much as they like us.
WARREN: Yeah, and that's the *BLEEP*in' thanks I get
for keeping you two working to put a
*BLEEP*in' album out every once in a while. If it
weren't for me you'd still be working on
"Liberty". No *BLEEP*in' respect.
NICK: Anyway, chaps, this letter is just a personal
letter from my Auntie. Just bits about how
she's doing, how the tea cozy she's knitting for my
birthday is coming along, and how the drug
business is doing.
SIMON: So why'd she send it Registered Mail -- "drug
business"?
NICK: Well, that's why she sent it Registered Mail.
Family secrets and all.
WARREN: Dude, your aunt sells --
NICK: Where do you think John --
Just then, -- ahem -- before we totally libel
ourselves -- came a knock on Nick's door. Nick
opens it.
NICK: Yes?
Nick looks about but sees only a UPS truck speeding
away.
NICK: Odd, there's no one there. I wonder -- oh,
look, a package has been left!
SIMON: A "Mysterious Package"?
NICK: Could be!
SIMON: Open it!
Nick pulls at the string holding the package shut and
opens -- I said, Nick pulls at the string
holding the package shut and op -- and op -- Warren,
could you please help Nick open the
package?
WARREN: Sure thing, dude.
As I was saying, Warren, with very little effort,
pulls at the string holding the package shut and
opens it. Inside, they find...
WARREN: Superhero costumes!
SIMON: Cool! Let's have a look!
NICK: I almost had it open...
SIMON: Wait, there's a note inside!
Simon picks up the note and reads from it:
SIMON [reading]: "Boys. Here are your superhero
costumes. You will need these when
fighting the forces of E-VIL. Simon, your costume is
in the blue wrapper."
WARREN: Here it is, dude.
Simon unwraps the costume to find a blue leotard with
a red "C W" on the chest, blue leggings,
a red cape, and a blue hood.
SIMON: Rather uninventive, isn't it?
WARREN: Read what it says.
NICK: Just give me a few more seconds and I'd have
gotten it...
SIMON: It says: [reading] "Simon, you are to be
'Captain Whoosh'. Able to confuse your
opponents with incomprehensible dance moves, you then
render them immobile with piercing,
off-key high notes you didn't quite reach." [to
Warren] Ah, a clever disguise! Just the opposite
of my true personality!
WARREN: Where's mine?
SIMON [reading]: "Warren, your costume is in the
black wrapper..."
WARREN: What black wrapper? All I see is a
*BLEEP*in' black sandwich bag.
SIMON [continuing to read] : "...It looks like a
*BLEEP*in' black sandwich bag."
Warren opens the sandwich bag to reveal a black
eyemask and a tiny black thong with an
extra-large front pouch.
SIMON: Hey, no fair!
WARREN: Just read, dude.
SIMON [reading]: "Warren, you are to be 'Flexor The
Extra-Buff'! You mesmerise opponents
by dazzling them with your large biceps, and if that
fails, you show them your--"
WEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
Sounds like we're ending this one just in time! So,
just WHAT will Flexor show his opponents
"if that fails"? WHAT will Nick's super identity be?
And WHO wants to tell Simon that these
aren't new powers for him? Find out next time when
we'll hear Nick say:
NICK: Does anyone else have an old Monkees tune stuck
in their head?
That's next time on...
The Band And The Beautiful
THE BAND AND THE BEAUTIFUL # 3
In the tradition of the old-time radio dramas comes
Durandom's favourite soap opera:
The Band And The Beautiful
The story of an ever-shrinking eighties band trying to
hang on in the hostile world of 21st
century music.
Starring Simon LeBon as the singer with newly
discovered superpowers, Warren Cuccurullo as
Rodney Dangerfield, and Nick Rhodes as -- well, we
don't know yet.
You remember last time our heroes opened a package
containing their new Superhero costumes
and a letter describing their new identities and super
powers.
Our story opens today as we are about to discover
Nick's secret identity. Simon, reading the
letter, speaks.
SIMON [reading]: "And finally, on to Nick. Nick, you
are to be --"
WARREN: Hold on a *BLEEP*in' minute here! The
announcer cut us off last time just when
we were about to find out what I show my opponents!
NICK: Yes, thankfully.
SIMON: Besides, Warren, old chap, we have to be
moving on. We need to get the plot moving
-- we're boring the readers.
NICK: Both of them?
WARREN: No *BLEEP*in' respect.
SIMON [reading]: "Nick, we had a little more
difficulty deciding on a super identity for you,
because of your --well, uniqueness. You are to be:
Fashion Man! Faster than a fad in G.Q.!
Able to co-ordinate disparate fabrics in a single
bound! He fights for truth, justice, and good
taste!"
All three of the band members are silent for a moment.
Then:
NICK: That's it?!? All I get to be is "Fashion Man"?
SIMON: By the way, how do you like my outfit?
NICK: Well, those shoes don't go with those pants,
but that's beside the point!
WARREN: I don't see a *BLEEP*in' costume in the box
for you, dude.
NICK: Well, thank God for that, anyway. At least I
wasn't given some garish costume to wear.
WARREN: Wait a minute, dude, there is something else
here. Here ya' go.
NICK: Pink sunglasses? With white feathers on them?
WARREN: Dude, they gave you Elton John glasses!
SIMON: Put them on, old bean.
NICK: What do you think?
SIMON & WARREN: Uh, well, er, uh, *BLEEP*, uh --
NICK: I rather like them.
SIMON & WARREN: Uh, well, er, uh, *BLEEP*, uh --
SIMON: How come the announcer's not chiming in with
his "Well"? This would be a very
good time.
WARREN: *Bleep*.
Well, this scene is going nowhere fast. --No,
actually it's gone nowhere rather slowly. But
MEANWHILE, in another bachelor pad somewhere in Los
Angeles, another knock on another
door sounds. The door opens to reveal former Duran
Duran members John Taylor, Andy Taylor,
and Roger Taylor, who peek outside. John speaks.
JOHN: Odd, there's no one there. I wonder -- oh,
look, a package has been left!
ANDY: A "Mysterious Package"?
JOHN: Could be!
ANDY: Open it!
JOHN: Righto, old chap, but first tell me again why
the two of you are here at my house?
ANDY: Been living here for a couple of days now, in
preparation for this *bleep*in' series. So
has Roger. Right, Rog?
ROGER: I've been hiding in your basement since 1987.
ANDY: This all sounds *bleep*in' familiar. Open the
*bleep*in' package already.
John opens the package and begins reading the enclosed
letter.
JOHN [reading]: "Boys. Here are your superhero
costumes. You will need these when fighting
the forces of E-VIL. John, your costume is in the
black wrapper."
ANDY: Here it *bleep*in' is, boyo.
John unwraps the costume to find a black leotard with
what appears to be a black vinyl circle on
the chest, a Zorro-style mask and hat, and long,
flowing black cape.
JOHN: I say old bean, how can you tell it's a flowing
black cape when I've just taken it out of
the package and haven't tried it on yet?
Shut up and read the letter, John.
JOHN [reading]: "John, you are to be Moodman. Able
to change moods faster than a speeding
bullet! You subdue your enemies by pouting them into
submission. Your friends can keep up
with your inner feelings by observing the 'Emotipatch'
on your chest. The Emotipatch turns into
a Smiley Face or a Frowny Face or any number of other
emoticons depending upon your mood."
ANDY: How is that supposed to help us fight
*bleep*in' E-VIL?
JOHN: I just pout? That's all I do? That's no fair.
I don't wanna do this.
ANDY: Just get the *bleep* on with it.
JOHN: I don't feel like it.
ANDY: Gimme the *bleep*in' letter!
Andy takes the letter from John and reads on:
ANDY [reading]: "Andy, your costume is in the big
brown bag."
Andy pulls the bag out of the box, and opens it to
discover a leopard-print loincloth and lion-skin
wrap.
ANDY [reading]: "Andy, you are to be Imbiber the
Profane. You frighten your enemies with a
barrage of unsociable language, then devour anything
in your path, and usually get a buzz from
it." --Cool, I'm a *bleep*in' action guy!
JOHN: Fine, you get to do something useful, I just
get to pout. I bet Roger has something cool
to do, too.
ANDY: Yeah, let's find out. --Hey, Rog, where the
*bleep* did you go?
JOHN: He was right here a minute ago.
ANDY: Where'd he *bleep*in' go?
JOHN: Read it anyway.
ANDY [reading]: "Roger, your costume is in the clear
plastic bag."
John pulls the clear plastic bag from the box.
JOHN: I say, old chap, it appears to be empty. Hurry
up and read that last part, the ink is fading.
ANDY [reading]: "Roger, you are Invisible Boy."
ROGER: Yeah, I figured.
JOHN & ANDY: AAIIIEEEEE!!! Where'd you come from?
ROGER: I was here the whole time.
ANDY [reading]: "Boys, you now have your costumes and
identities. You must save the world,
for the end is drawing near!"
WWWEEEEEELELLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
CAN our boys save the world? And if so, from WHOM?
And something I've been wondering:
just WHO is sending the boys these costumes? Find out
next time when we'll hear Imbiber The
Profane say:
ANDY: *bleeeeeeeeeeep*
That's next time on...
The Band And The Beautiful
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