in the shadows i hide from myself
afraid of my very stripes
i seek to hide from a beast
whose spirit shines
from behind my eyes
i keep it caged
refuse to hear its roar
i keep it full of hatred
for its cruel mistress
when it strikes out in
vengeful desperation
my head shall be the first
to roll
my heart the first to be impaled
upon its furious claws

i seek to die rather than face
the emotions i have bottled in my soul
i seek oblivion rather than see
the freedom my furious beast covets
i am the rakshasi, the real demon
there is no maneater except myself
i made kateria into a monster
i killed her and dragged her down with me

the Amazon was too beautiful to behold
my poetry too true thus i burned it
i am the inquisitor, i am the thief
i have become the nightmare incarnate
for fear of being ordinary
forgotten
i became a legend made by my own hands
for fear of the loneliness of my
suit of armor
i became insane
i chose to follow the path of power-over

no one would have noticed me otherwise
i was expected, a thing planned
no surprise anywhere
i had to turn the tables
spring from the corner with blood on my jowls
i had to impress people
therefore i lied
until the lie became a dream
and i started to build it
but lost heart

i cannot bear to look at beauty
it is too painful to acknowledge
i am in charge of my own destiny
and i have so gloriously shunned it
but there is no hiding.

i cannot bring myself to run faster
for i seek defeat, death, shame
with every step i give
i want everything to end
so that i can begin again
but i know there is no starting
from scratch
we all come from what was before
i know we either embrace or suffer
i have chosen to suffer
no one but myself is responsible
yet i always hope for release
i am still under the boot of a lie
i keep it around for when i screw up
so i can prolong the suffering
by clinging to a pitiful shred
of putrefied scum.

i cannot bear to look upon beauty
i cannot bear the pain that heralds healing
i am lost with no wish to be found
although part of me yearns for escape
i have made that part of me into the beast
and i have condemned her to eternal misery
she should never have been born
she should never have smiled in its mother's arms
she should never have named her father first
or at all
she should never have had the toys she wanted
or the dresses she found beautiful
she should never have been nurtured
never taught to love wisdom or to think for herself
never taught the arts and sciences of humankind
she should have been slaughtered
she should never have been conceived
she should have been aborted
but she was allowed to live and prosper.

so who is the beast now
the glorious warrior in shining armor
the maneating tigress caged and starved
the girl who still holds on to the hope of healing
the wreck who writes this now
i am all of them
in vain i have tried to ignore them
separate them
see if by letting them out one by one
someone will mercifully lock us all away
but the lie will not stretch that far
i am all of them
their story has been denied
and it pushes to come out
and it will
they have names
the suit of armor has a name
their weapons have names
the story pushes to come out
though i refuse to give birth
it will burst through my ribcage
it gives me choice
but its patience grows thin
time runs low
i refuse
it is too frightening
it is freedom
but i am too afraid
it is healing
but i feel too much pain

it is not a game anymore
my life is now at stake
they are not just characters in a story
they are the shards of my broken soul
long denied voice and song
rebellion, insurrection, uprising
i seek to quell it, stifle it
to no avail

can anyone help me?
i have played the game too long
can anyone hear me?
i have silenced them for too long
they are not the voices of goddesses
they are not the voices of nonhumans
they are the shards of my broken soul
their myths are the untold story of my gift
a modern bard
whose voice has never been taught how to sing
whose hands have been left to her own devices
for she would never tell of the story
for fear of rejection

i am that bard
and the stories choke me
they come to me in nightmare and daydream
in thought and mindless rage
they are not classical stories but a collage
of what a little girl thought she saw and heard
made herself believe she thought had seen and heard
because she was bored
for her caretakers did not know
and she was too afraid to
answer truthfully when they asked
she feared her story would die if exposed
so she took refuge behind the book pages
and the laboratory equipment

i am that bard
driven to insanity by a gift i did not ask for
i am that bard
wingless, throatless, afraid to fly
these are my characters
monsters, warriors, adventurers, demons
i have given them flesh
and now they haunt me
they are my broken pieces flying by
i try to grab them and put them away
to no avail
i would live truly again
but i am too afraid
they have vowed to destroy me
for i have denied them freedom
so shall they deny me the same
they will drag me to my self-destruction
and i will let them

for i have not the heart to kill the dreams of an
innocent girl of long ago
or to kill the monster that held me in its arms
and loved me in the darkness
until we became one and the same

i am the only demon, the maneater
but i cannot devour a little girl
i think the sacrifices of the past were wrong
we were never the gods people wanted
i am tired of all the violence
i want rest and respite from it
no more sacrifices, no more battles
but the will is not my own.

i am the shining warrior clad in armor
but i cannot slay so great a foe
that has seen the light of wisdom
and nurtured compassion in its soul
the demon is not such anymore
by its own divinity it has been changed
and its jungle made inhabitable to humans
it has given of its prey
that the new hunters do not starve
in fair competition
the likes of me have been made stronger
we have forged our swords to match her claws
and our spears and arrows to match her piercing jaws
we sit and rule where she once reigned
knowing that she reigns still
and has consented to lick the sweat off our brows.

i am the little girl born of beast and warrior
i am she whose light this bard cannot bear to behold
thus the story was ended
so that i could not be born
but i burst forth anyway
no bard can match me
all bards i have made and unmade
i and my clan
we may tell the truth if we so choose
lies are or may not be part of it
we may stay to see the result
or we may walk away as if it never happened
i am the light unforgiving
that will tear this bard to ashes
so this bard hides in the shadows
knowing i shall scorch her
i am toying with her soul until i break it
i am her doom and her demise
i promise nothing
asked for no vows
but she took them to spite me
thus i spite her back.

is there any freedom
any hope of healing
any mercy
will i ever sleep restfully again
will i ever make it in the real world
what is the real world with so many fantasies
whispering out of control
which are gods and which are made up
from this place of hiding i cannot tell
somebody help me
or kill me
anything to quiet the madness
anything to escape the pain
anything
anything
anything!

In the Shadows
by Cindy Aixmar Salgado