Hi, my name is Denise and I am an addict. And an alcoholic and an alanoner and a
co-dependent.
My story is no different than any one else's.
We all followed the road of despair and followed the path of misery to get to where
we are today.
I was born to an alcoholic mother and a military
father. Dad and my mother were divorced when I was very young after my older sister died in an accident caused by drunken inattention. So dad was out of the
picture and mom, my older brother and my younger sister were all together living in a mess.
Some of my earliest memories are of hiding from mom under my bed as she flew
through the house in a drunken rage. I remember her running through the house one time with cops running behind her and my grandmother behind them. I
remember waking up to the eternal smell of stale dish water in the sink and no one was there but us kids until the knock on the door and the lady from social services was standing there on the door step.
After that, it was the revolving door syndrome. I went from foster home to foster home back to mom, back to state care, to shelter cares, to foster home to mom and so on and so on. What a confusing childhood that was. I never knew who I was or where I was going to be the next day. Most of those years, I saw my siblings on the fly by during court dates and we really didn't know each other any more.
When I was ten years old, my father came back into the picture with his new wife who was only twenty-one years old and neither of them had a clue as to what they were getting themselves into by taking three children on who had lived like we had for so long.
Of those years, I will only say that they did their best to raise children who
ranged from severe mental issues to dysfunctional minds. We drove them to the limits and made what could have been a good childhood a new kind of hell.
When I turned eighteen, I thought I had my chance to finally live the life I
wanted. I joined the army and thought I had it made. Boy, did I ever! I took my first active steps onto the road I would follow for over twenty-four years.
I found out that at the age of eighteen in the military you are legal to go to
the enlisted men's club and drink anything you want. Man alive, did I want and I found out that I could be beautiful and desirable and popular and all the things I had wanted all my life that I couldn't find anywhere else. I found freedom in a bottle without realizing that I was giving up any taste of freedom
I could have had.
Its kind of funny in a sick way. I grew up living a life of hell caused by the bottle and I turned to that same bottle for comfort as soon as I could. You would think we learn from what we live....maybe we do...maybe we become what we see and not what we wish we could see. At any rate, I fell...literally...onto the same path my mother did even as I blamed her for all that she had put me through.
So there I was at the age of eighteen...thinking I was the Queen of the World and nothing could go wrong. It was shortly after that that I discovered drugs. Oh how wonderful! No more hangovers! Now I could discover new paths of joy that were actually the road to hell disguised as "fun".
I spent over twenty-three years of my life on this hellish journey. I went places and did things that I could have never imagined myself doing. My life slowly but surely became a living nightmare.
The last thirteen years of my active addiction, my world was ruled by what I call my own personal demon. Crank, speed, go-fast. Once I found that stuff the downward spiral sped up and I was lost in a place I didn't recognize nor could I find the way out.
In March of l994, I was picked up for shoplifting and for being under the influence. I spent three days in the county jail before I was brought to court. Shaking, weak, terrified, I faced the judge and wondered what would happen to me.
The first miracle was then.
The judge looked at me and something told him there was a chance for me. I don't know what he saw there. I know I wasn't a pretty sight. He gave me a sentence of three years probation, drug diversion and a commitment to weekly AA meetings. Of course, I agreed.
I went to the diversion classes and lied my butt off and continued doing what I did so well....drugs. I avoided the AA meetings like the plague. Things went from bad to really bad in my life and something happened in May of l994.
My husband and I had had one of our daily arguments and once again, I had been tossed around and told just how worthless I was....nothing but a druggie (like he wasn't) and how stupid I was for having been caught and gone to jail. I remember locking myself in the bathroom and looking in the mirror and seeing "dead eyes" looking back at me.
I rounded up every pill I had stashed in the house and I went to the garage and slowly started taking them one by one. I don't even know what most of them were. At the time it didn't matter. All I knew was that I couldn't do it any more and that was the only way I knew out. Well, I got busted and my hubby took the pills away from me. I was sick for two days and had to explain to my counselor why I missed an appointment. More lies...
Finally it came to a head. AA meetings or back to jail. So on September 18th, l994 I stopped at my dealer's house and picked up some chemical courage and walked through the doors of AA for the first time. Of course I sat in the back row. Where else? I sat and stared at the floor and hated that I was there. All I could think was, "Will these old fools EVER shut up so I can go home?"
Then a young lady began speaking and telling her story. She spoke of her past as a drug addict and an alcoholic. She spoke of being an abuse survivor. I was sitting there with my arm in a sling, compliments of my husband's mercy, and her words reached a part of me that had been dead for a long time.
I looked up and met the eyes of the woman who was destined to become my first sponsor.
I have no idea why she never gave up on me. I lied to her. I continued to use. I came to meetings and collected a 30 day chip and thought no one would know. I used every excuse in the book for why I was doing what I did.
Finally, things were really bad at home. I sold everything I had and took my two kids and they and I lived in my van on the streets. By that time, I knew there was a better way of life. I just didn't know how "I" could do it. I was conditioned by then to be a failure, no matter what.
I was offered a chance at a new beginning. A friend was willing to take me and my kids in and help us out. He lived in Hawaii though so I had to convince the judge to let me go. Once again, I don't know what that judge saw or why he gave me the chance, but he did. All he wanted from me was a court card from Hawaii signed saying I had attended a few meetings and he would release me from court in California.
On December 3rd, l994, I did my last line of crank and boarded the plane to Hawaii with my children.
God works in mysterious ways. My friend, actually...my ex, the father of my daughter...lived in an apartment building right on the beach. Ironically, every morning, right at 7 am, right there at the base of the apartment building on the beach the group "Courage to Change" met. I don't believe that I found them. I think God found me and led me there.
Of course, I continued the lie about being clean. I was in Hawaii! I HAD to try the pot after all!
January 7th, l995. A momentous day for me. There we were, sitting in the usual circle and the sharing came to me. I passed. It moved on. Suddenly, out of no where that I knew, I stood up and said, "My name is Denise and I am an addict. And I have lied to all of you. I need to take a newcomer's chip."
My life had finally started a new beginning. That was the last new comer chip I ever had to take.
In March, I moved back to California. Now was the time to see the next miracle revealed.
I went back to the judge to make sure he had received my court card from Hawaii. I didn't want any surprises. (Grin) He had gotten it. And, he had dropped my three years probation for time served and for having completed my drug diversion and for attending AA meetings. My record was removed from the court books. I had a fresh start and a new beginning!!!
I looked up the woman who had never given up on me and she became my sponsor. Together, we walked hand in hand on my journey to a new life, working the steps.
Now, I was the typical agnostic when I got here. I couldn't believe in anything I couldn't see, touch, feel or breath. After all, He had never been there for me before (I thought) so why believe.
Time for Miracle number three...
My sponsor and I were doing the third step together. I guess that was another lie, eh? Doing Step three when I really didn't believe. LOL! That was about to change.
We read from the book together about step three and then we both knelt down and recited the Third Step Prayer in unison. That is when it happened! I felt a warmth from my head to my feet! It seemed as though I was lifted and cradled in God's hands and I KNEW that everything was going to be ok. That was the moment I began to believe.
I never have again felt that feeling I had that day. I never have needed to. It's not a feeling one ever forgets. I knew that God had been there for me all my life. I was the one who turned away, not Him.
Since that day, my life has only gotten better and better. It's been a journey of discovery and of joy. Not every day has been great. However, every day I have known that no matter what, I am ok. I have been to the bottom and I know that I don't have to go there again.
Work the steps. Do the footwork. Live the life that this program teaches us how to live. Keep it simple. One day at a time. And no matter what, don't pick up!
Today, I am responsible. I pay my bills. I go to work Monday through Friday for a job that I have worked at for over four years now. I have been promoted to middle management. (Don't they know who I really am? LOL!) My family loves me. People actually trust me and want me around them!
These are all gifts that this awesome program has given me. The promises are being fulfilled in my life today.
Yes, things still go wrong with my life. I have buried more people in the last few years than I want to even think about. My father, who I deeply love and am so grateful is back in my life, has cancer. My younger grandson was taken by his father and we went through a terrible court battle to get him back. My car died. My money doesn't last from one pay check to the next and things get tight here.
The thing that matters though, is that I am not alone going through this. I have you all, I have my program, I have my sponsor but most of all, I have my Higher Power. No longer do I have to feel that I will look in the mirror and have "dead eyes" looking back at me. I am okay with me. You all taught me that.
If you are new in the program or even if you haven't found your home with us yet, don't give up! The miracles are waiting for you as well! The Promises are coming true in my life and they can come true in yours as well. All you need to do is keep coming back. The rest will follow. God bless you all!
