I don't know why but I can't help wanting to cry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think the stress is getting to me. I'm lost, the crowds pass me by, they are so superficial, I can't care. I can't. I feel so completely apathetic, yet still I want to cry. People keep coming to me, and crying on my shoulder, and I don't mind that, but sometimes I wonder if thats all I am to htne, and there is so many of them... Don't get me wrong, I like it when people feel they can confide in me, I like to help other people, it makes me thinkg that I can actually contribute something useful to this pathetic world. But, sometimes, I wish that was someone I could talk to. I mean really talk to, but people are too involved in their own problems to care. Even the people who tell me I can always talk to them, they're never around, or they are too busy doing something, anything else... and I don't hold that against them. Thats the way things is. Its always like that in my life. I just need a day that U can take off, do shit all, don't have to worry about tomorrow, oryesterday or anything. So, mayve I need to just take a day off. Fuck everything else, school, work, family, "friends"... fuck everything. I just want to go, and sit in the park, walk around, do whatever. just not care. I think I want to do e again, just wander around al day, out of my tree. and HAPPY. But I won't. I won't just drop all my responsibilities, I won't just take off, I won't start taking e again. Because i'm afraid I might actually enjoy myself. I'm afraid that I might realize that everything I'm working to become isn't want I want, but what others want of me. But, I'll just past that smile on my face, put on my pretty doll clothes, and play happy for the world, because, thats all I can do. Sometimes I wonder if drugs could help me, but I wouldn't trust myself. I wouldn't be happy my self. I would feel like everything I achieved was just an illusion. and. I guess I'm still that sad little girl who had to leave school in grade 4 because she was so depressed, paranoid, and lonely. Surrounded by people, but completely alone in the midst of all the fakeness. I will not pretend it doesn't bother me. I hate being this frustrated, this stressed. It is driving me insane, I lost my inspiriation to write. I tried and it was just so sad. I don't want to write about war, loneliness, death. Its like writinb about my inner demons (don't get all psychological on me).
I feel horrible, I'm sick, my head hurts, my nose is running, my eyes are burning... and its not because I need a smoke (thank you EVERYONE), and its not because of the weed last night, its because my dad is an asshole and got me sick again!I hate being sick. this makes it two months straight of being sick (minus, maybe a week of healthiness). Please don't let me start crying on top of all this. ugh. all this.. self pity makes me feel disgusting. my fever is getting worse.. i'm getting steadily more delerious, I can't drive like this. I can't even write....