Stumbling
Chapter 7 - Surrender
Jen struggled to carry two sandwiches and two cups of coffee through the crowded park. Apparently, many of the business people wanted to take advantage of a glorious spring day and opted to enjoy their lunch outdoors. That made it ever the more difficult for her to reach her destination without anything dropping or spilling on the ground.
She finally spotted the finish line and walked faster to the park bench. Jack stood up and took the coffees from her hands. Both sat down as they determined who ordered what.
They ate in a comfortable silence for five minutes. Jen missed moments like this. As much as she loved Dawson, there was something relaxing about not talking. Yet she regretfully realized she couldn’t hold this moment much longer because they had much catching up to do.
Dawson had told her about a strange conversation he had with Joey in which she admitted she was trying to reunite with Pacey. Sure, she knew that Joey said so the evening of the dinner but neither had any idea that she had taken strides to accomplish that. The odder aspect was that she feared that Jack would interfere.
Although Jen didn’t let on that day that there could be any possible truth to Joey’s musings, she wondered if this was connected to what Jack wanted to talk to her about. Then she remembered that she blew off Jack as soon as he mentioned Pacey and immediately scheduled this lunch date.
She was supposedly his best friend yet she was so wrapped up in her own activities that she hadn’t been too kind in return. True, this past year had pulled the duo apart: Jack with the fraternity and Jen with Dawson. That was no excuse for the way she harshly dismissed him. Now she was aware that she should have let him finish the story.
Finally, Jen broke the silence. “When you came in my room, you were trying to tell me something Pacey said.”
Jack complained, “I knew you had an ulterior motive for this lunch!”
“Well, the idea was that we had to catch up.”
Jen couldn’t fool Jack; he knew she found out something. “And?”
“Dawson is concerned about Joey’s sanity.”
He gasped, “What?”
“Apparently, Joey’s got it in her brain that there’s competition. Now, why would she think that?”
Jack shook his head, “I honestly don’t know. I’ve never talked to her about that nor has she raised these concerns before.” He didn’t seriously think Pacey told Joey about what happened before she showed up at his bedroom. After all, it was best to forget about that indiscretion, especially for Pacey.
“She’s not being paranoid, is she?”
“No.” Jack hung his head low.
“I didn’t think so. Now, what was the not-so-stupid thing he said that drunken evening?”
“He wanted to be my boyfriend.”
Jen’s eyes widened. Yep, she certainly should have talked to him before. There was reason for Jack’s previous crush to be renewed that was sure. “This wasn’t a joke?”
“I don’t think so.” Jack sighed. “I’m not sure exactly what Pacey feels toward me. There’s something there. What it is, I have no idea.” He shook his head, muttering more to himself than Jen, “Audrey fueled most of the rest of the thoughts, I suspect.”
Audrey? Jen couldn’t believe that Pacey’s ex-girlfriend could actually be enabling this. Wasn’t that usually her job? Oh well, just as long as somebody’s pushing this along, Jen couldn’t be too mad. “Have you talked to him about this?”
“Well, sort of. At the dinner party, after your warning, I may have done something dumber.”
“You may have?”
“Okay, I did. I kissed him.” Jen gasped, amazed that Jack had made such a move. “It was wonderful, amazing, better than what I pictured…and then Joey had to ruin the moment.”
Jen bit her lip, struggling with the irony of the situation. She was always looking over her shoulder, waiting for the moment when Joey would sweep Dawson away from her. Even though she heard Joey, and now Dawson, say that Pacey was the one she wanted, Jen was still consumed by this fear that she was Dawson’s temporary solution.
Maybe she still would be. At this moment, she was the roadblock in someone else’s happiness. If Audrey was the one trying to draw them together, there must have been a bit of truth to Pacey’s feelings for Jack. Having Joey in the middle cemented that possibility.
She then recalled the rest of what Dawson told her and was absolutely horrified. “Was this before or after Pacey went to Joey’s dorm room?” Even though she could guess the answer, she needed to hear Jack say it.
“Before.” Jen sighed, the worse option being the truth. Pacey had turned Joey down. Eventually. She hoped that meant something. Jack looked away from Jen as he continued, “It’s not as if he needs to think that I’m upset with him about this. It wasn’t supposed to be. What else is there to say?”
“Does he feel guilty?”
Jack considered that. “Likely. He probably wishes that he didn’t have to have this problem. After all, we were close friends before all this happened. It’ll be difficult to get back to that point.”
“That’s true.” Jen could say with certainty. Whether that was a positive or not wasn’t so clear.
“I’m not interested in focusing on this any more. There’s very little left to say on the subject.” He focused back on his lunch, wanting desperately to drop the subject. “Friday night, I’m heading back to the bar to meet with Shawn. He called yesterday, which frankly stunned me. So, there‘s really no need to worry.”
Jen never thought she’d see the day when Jack would be talking about a guy, especially a guy he was going on a date with, and wish he wouldn’t. She refused to drop the topic just yet. “Can I just say one more thing about Pacey? I promise to say nothing more after that.”
“I don’t believe you but proceed anyway. Not like I can stop you.”
“He’s a pretty good kisser, isn’t he?”
Jack snickered, “It’s weird that we can compare notes on that but yeah, pretty good.”
She joked, “At least he was good for one thing,” backing up that statement with a knowing smile.
* * * * *
Audrey was about to leave her room when there was a knock at the door. She was surprised to see Pacey.
“Joey’s not here.” Audrey was shocked at how cold and bitter her voice sounded.
“I wanted to talk to you about something.” Audrey seemed to be the only person safe enough to discuss this with. She was the one who had some clue about him and Jack (that he was aware of, anyway). It seemed odd, considering how recently it’d been since they broke up, but he was able to be at ease with her. She was probably the one person of the group who could understand his side. The night in the bathroom, after Jack and Joey stormed off, the two sat in silence while he mulled over everything that happened. Even though he didn’t say much to Audrey about what went wrong, there was this unspoken agreement by her staying there.
“I already told you I’m not getting in the middle of the ‘Will they? Won’t they?’ game with you and Joey.” She pushed him toward the door, wanting anything to get out of this position.
“What about if the game’s participants were only myself and Jack?”
Audrey stopped shoving and looked directly at Pacey, who nodded. She smiled widely, then ushered Pacey into the room and shut the door. She led him to her desk chair as she plopped down on her bed, eagerly waiting for details. “Continue.”
“I don’t think ‘game’ is the right word but the idea is the same. I’m not sure how much you already know, though I’m sure you got some of the details.”
She smirked, “I got the gist of what happened. And, except for the part where he’s convinced you’ll eventually follow through what you started with Joey that night, it was a rather sweet affair to remember.”
“I suppose so. I blew any chance with him, didn’t I?”
“I wouldn’t be so certain about that. He’s in the denial stage right now. That’s where Shawn fits in.”
“Shawn? Is that the what’s-his-name he’s dating?”
“I wouldn’t say they’re dating, exactly, even though that’s what Joey told me. He‘s a diversion, not a boyfriend.”
“Are you just saying that to make me think I have a chance?”
“I might be,” Audrey shrugged. “It’s not like Jack’s given me any real information to work with. It’s not serious, I’m sure of that. So you can’t use that as an excuse. The question is what are you planning to do.”
“I need to know how serious Jack was about that kiss. That’s kind of difficult since he hasn’t spoken to me since…” pointing to Joey’s bed, “that. I’d settle for him forgiving me for being an idiot but, ideally, I need to know his side.”
Audrey held back a smile. If Jack could gloss over Pacey’s moment of lunacy, all should be relatively fine. She wanted to tell Pacey that he had nothing to be concerned about but she wanted to stop filling in the blanks for them. Besides, what if Jack really had moved on, whether with dating Shawn or just giving up on Pacey? Not something she really wanted to get in the middle. “Jack was probably already cautious because of you and Joey. He saw the proof.”
“I’m aware.” Pacey turned to the desk, disgusted with himself. “This was exactly why I didn’t want him to know. I hoped I’d be able to work past what I thought was curiosity. But it’s not that: I’m positive about that. I walked into that gay bar with him and I absolutely knew I was screwed. I tried to block it out but it’s only worsened. Unfortunately, both you and Joey have been caught in the denial. It’s not just any guy. It’s him. I want him.” He pounded a fist against Audrey’s desk, startling her. “I can’t believe I fucked this up as well. I had a chance and I chickened out.”
Audrey watched him wrestling with his demons. It had been amusing watching this play out when there was only a modicum of seriousness. But now, she was beginning to understand why he’d been quiet about it. There was no joke to the turmoil. She hated to interrupt him deep in thought so she whispered, “Maybe you could get him away from the distractions.” Pacey rose up and faced her, not quite comprehending. “Most of the problem is the interference, mainly my roommate. So get away from here. Make everything crystal clear before you let him leave.”
“Oh, yeah, like there’s any chance I could get him alone. Remember, not speaking to me.”
“Relax. I’ll make sure you’ll get the opportunity, even if I have to tie him in a chair to get him still.”
Pacey considered that image. “Hmmm, kinky but I’m not against it.”
Audrey laughed. “No way! I thought of it. Therefore I get first shot.”
* * * * *
Jack had just finished classes and was looking for Audrey. She had begged and pleaded to let her borrow the car for an evening of carousing a club outside of Boston. She would ask Dawson to pick her up at Worthington to get to the Boston Bay parking lot for Jack’s car, then Dawson would drive Jack home. He didn’t see his own car in the lot, so Audrey must have gotten here. However, he saw no sign of either person or Dawson’s car.
A familiar Mustang caught Jack’s attention. Pacey was leaning against the car, scanning the crowd of cars. When he finally found Jack, he pretended he hadn’t recognized him. Audrey said to leave it to her to get Jack alone but until this moment he hadn’t truly believed it would be possible. Pacey knew she had to lie to get Jack’s car from the parking lot, denying the one exit available. There was still potential to be ignored but that was a chance he was willing to take.
Jack was too tired from a full day of classes to dodge him. He trudged over to the car.
Pacey spoke first. “Audrey couldn’t get a hold of Dawson so she called. I hope you don’t mind being stuck with me.”
Jack sighed. “You’ll have to do.” Pacey opened the passenger door for him to enter the car.
Jack wanted to try to return to the friendship they had before. He hoped that Pacey was willing to at least do the same. Maybe if they both could erase that night from memory, all would be fine. Jack knew it would be a struggle but it was necessary, for the sake of everyone else. If he could survive watching Pacey and Joey making out in the hallways for months during their senior year, he could do it again.
* * * * *
“Where are you going?” Jack exclaimed as he struggled to recognize any of the usual places they were driving past.
Pacey didn’t answer. Five minutes later, he made a left turn into an empty lot by an abandoned dock and parked the car.
Jack looked around the area, then glared at Pacey. “Again, what’s going on?”
“It seems that we keep getting wires crossed, either from ramblings written off as drunkenness or from well meaning but less-than-helpful friends. This has to stop here.”
“Pacey, I don’t understand…”
“Damn it, McPhee. Did you mean it when you kissed me?”
“You brought me to the middle of nowhere to ask me that?”
“Yes. It’s been driving me crazy. I need to know where we stand. Are we just two friends who got caught up in a moment, or is there more than that? It’ll be easier dealing with this if it’s all out in the open.”
Jack turned to the window, wondering when this all got so complicated. He couldn’t believe that Pacey wouldn’t let it drop. He should since he was the one who would have to deal with the awkward interactions. His voice sounded hoarse when he finally could eek out a reply. “I meant it. I’m sorry, Pacey, but I meant it.”
Pacey couldn’t even recognize his own voice consoling him, “It’s okay.” He didn’t think of Jack answering like that. He prepared himself for anything else but that. He knew that if it wasn’t serious or it was all about lust, he could handle it and just write it off as a period of time. Even if Jack said he didn’t regret what was a drunken kiss that could be dealt with. He hadn’t expected Jack to both admit and think that Pacey was the one regretting it.
There was only one way to remedy this. Pacey leaned over to the passenger side. He used one hand to guide his face away from the window while the other propped him up on Jack’s thigh. Jack was startled by the touch and faced him. He was confronted with a bruising kiss, pushing him against the headrest, as Pacey made his point clearer.
Pacey quickly pulled away, knowing there was more to say before this could continue. “Now that I’ve got your attention, there’s one little problem we must discuss.”
“Joey.”
Pacey nodded. “I don’t know what to do about her. I want to say it doesn’t matter but we both know that’s not entirely accurate.”
“If we have to talk about this, it should be about what possessed you to walk to her dorm room. Joey, by herself, doesn’t concern me too much. But if you feel the same way about her, that would be a pretty significant problem…”
“I don’t. I thought I might. That’s why I went to her room. I tried, damn it, I did. We were making out on her bed.” Jack squirmed away from Pacey and turned back to the window, willing himself to do anything but hear the details. Pacey noticed immediately and got to the point. “And she slipped and said she was still in love with me. I wanted to say it back to her. I used to be able to say those words so easily. But I couldn’t because I didn’t. She’s no longer the person who’s the center of my world. I couldn’t believe I said that to her.”
Jack scoffed, “She hasn’t gotten the hint, from my understanding.”
“No but I’ve done what I can. She came by Civilization last week trying to seduce me. She wanted to revive what we had before. But then stuff happened and she never really got the chance.”
“Stuff happened which made Joey think that I was competition.”
Pacey exclaimed, “What? She already knew?”
“She concluded that I told you I was interested and you turned me down.”
Pacey bit his lip to keep from laughing at Joey’s theory. “Really?” Jack finally turned back to face him and nodded. “So, are you interested? I should be aware of who’s in the bidding.”
Jack began to finally see the humor in the news. His eyes lit up upon realizing where this could be heading. He replied as nonchalantly as possible, “I wouldn’t mind.”
“Good.” He was rewarded with Jack edging closer to where Pacey sat. “You should know that Joey’s gonna lose. Does it bother you that it’s rigged?”
Jack moved the rest of the distance as he let his hand rest on Pacey’s neck. “It won’t bother my conscience.” He finished that thought by softly brushing his lips over Pacey’s. Pacey responded by slowly moving his mouth in sync with Jack’s.
What was initially meant to be a brief kiss rapidly escalated as Pacey tilted his head and parted his lips enough to allow Jack’s tongue to enter. Jack moved his body so that he was now almost in front of Pacey, positioned on an angle between Pacey’s body and the steering wheel, their mouths never breaking contact. Pacey slipped one hand under Jack’s shirt and rested on his waist, getting a feel of his soft skin.
Jack placed a knee on the seat to keep his balance as he left a trail of kisses from his mouth to his shoulder. He undid the first three buttons of Pacey’s shirt and settled his hand against his chest. He rose back up to Pacey’s mouth to see his expression. What he was faced with was a pair of deep blue eyes that read the same as his probably did.
Pacey stared into Jack’s eyes and saw what he’d been seeing only in dreams for months. He couldn’t figure why he was so worried about Jack’s reaction. Now that he was confronted with this, he wanted to take advantage of the opportunity before either woke up. He sat up and captured Jack’s lower lip in his mouth.
A loud honking sound interrupted the hot air. Jack backed up as both realized that the front seat of a car was not exactly the most comfortable position to make out. He sat back down on the passenger side.
Neither one spoke, fearful of what could possibly be said at this point. Jack gazed at Pacey, who was focusing intently on the steering wheel, the cause of the interruption. He noted that Pacey didn’t appear the least bit sorry for what he did - just annoyed that it had been wrecked.
“You know,” Pacey finally ended the silence. “I’m an idiot. I live alone in an apartment. There’s no need for this.”
It took Jack a few moments to process what was implied. When he did, he was beaming with the news. It was real. He was real. He hated to ruin the moment but there was really only one way to be sure. “Would you mind if I cut this short?”
Pacey confronted him, startled by his reply. “Why’s that?”
“I’m supposed to meet someone tonight.”
Pacey frowned, recollecting what he’d seen the previous Friday night. “Shawn?”
“Yeah. After all, he has the right to know that I’m back with my boyfriend.” Jack blushed upon saying that word. Pacey did a double take at the words, never suspecting that. He backpedaled, “I don’t mean that I’m pushing you in that direction. It’s just that he assumed we already dated from the night we went to that bar. You know, the lie you told the food critic? Anyway, he kissed me, not because he was interested in a relationship, but to make you jealous. It sounds really strange…”
“That was accurate. I was jealous. There’s just one thing wrong.”
“What’s that?”
“This time, I hope the boyfriend thing is the truth."
Part 8
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