Stumbling
Chapter 10 - Come On and Face It
Joey sat down on the couch, stunned. How could… this wasn’t possible. This wasn’t the ending she’d imagined. Sure, she figured that she had to let him go… eventually. She just hadn’t imagined that she’d lose friends in the process.
It seemed so obvious that she shouldn’t have said anything negative about Jack. That word would soon travel back to him. But that was when she was still blinded by a future with Pacey. Yet even she felt that didn’t quite explain what she’d done.
Of course Jack heard it all. Joey’s luck just wasn’t that good. She had lost whatever power she’d had.
It wasn’t helping that Audrey was more interested in wishing Jack had heard Pacey’s last words than the fact that Joey did hear it. Audrey approached Pacey and draped an arm over his shoulder.
Pacey was still watching the door. He desperately didn’t want to turn around again. It had hurt so much seeing her face before that he immediately focused back on the door. Pacey knew she was sitting behind him, struggling with everything internally. He couldn’t understand what happened that turned this beautiful, once amazing woman into this bitter, selfish individual.
After five minutes, he broke the silence, muttering, “It was all a secret. That’s why he’s so pissed off.”
Audrey replied, “Sweetie, you two aren’t on the same page.”
“The funny thing is the functional couple in our little gang found out. I guess, for a change, Jen didn’t tell him that.”
Audrey let out a shriek, then twirled around Pacey so she was now in front of him. “Shit, what did they say?”
Pacey laughed nervously. “I never honestly thought I’d be having that conversation with Dawson…”
Joey hadn’t been paying attention until that name came up. She interjected, “ Dawson knew and I didn’t? How is this possible?”
“Love is blind?” Audrey quipped. Neither Pacey nor Joey found that amusing in the slightest.
Joey exclaimed, “Am I the only one who didn’t know?”
Pacey finally faced Joey. He refused to actually make eye contact with her. “Don’t do this. This is hard enough.”
“Yeah, well, from my understanding, everyone’s been having enough fun at my expense. You have no right to drop me in the middle of this.”
“Jo…”
She talked over his plea. “Do I not deserve to know? I’m not the one stringing someone along. So why am I the enemy?”
“This isn’t about you.” Pacey said just loud enough to be heard. Joey crossed her arms over her chest and glared coldly at him. “This is why you were in the dark. Because, regardless of what happened, you turned this into our issue. How everyone is trying to hurt you.”
“Let me remind you that you could have gotten away with that argument if you weren’t so close to having ex sex with me. How do you expect me not to be upset? I’m in love with you and I thought you felt the same way. You completely fooled me that night.”
“I was trying to fool myself. I am truly sorry that you had to be the recipient of that particular night. There’s nothing I can do to change that. I could throw accusations around regarding your recent words but that’s not quite right either.”
“Maybe I didn’t react well…maybe that’s an understatement. I wish you’d told me the truth.”
Pacey pointed out, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I haven’t exactly been expressing myself well to anyone. I let this get out of hand. If I wasn’t so concerned about what everyone else would say…and there’s no reason to kid myself otherwise, I didn’t want anyone to know…If I wasn’t so worried about that, Jack wouldn’t have that reaction. I don’t know why I did that to him. Part of me thinks I’d have been better off if I hadn’t rambled on and on when I was drunk, triggering these events.”
Audrey interjected, “I think you’re wrong. You weren’t happy before, when you were with me. Don’t fool yourself into believing our relationship was so magical. Because, believe me, you weren’t my Prince Charming. Joey wouldn’t have been the answer; maybe a temporary solution but I don’t believe there would have been any good coming out of that. Been there, done that, still have the scars to prove it.” Joey let out a huff, confirming Audrey’s words. She then reassured him, “Besides, sweetie, you’re not the only one to blame here. A relationship has two people causing the problems, not one. It won’t get solved unless you get hold of the other side.” She eagerly pushed Pacey to the door, grabbing the textbook from the floor in the process. “Find out.”
Joey said to no one in particular, “I see nobody really gives a damn where I stand on this issue.” Pacey walked out the door, with the book Audrey slid into his hands in tow.
As she watched him leave, Audrey let out a wide smile. When she saw that, Joey’s eyes bugged out. She exclaimed, “Why did you do that? Don’t I deserve any sympathy?”
“I would agree with you, except for the fact that you hurt my Jackie in the process. That’s not right! You know that if Jen was here, you wouldn’t get out of here alive.”
“That was Pacey, not me!” Her voice was practically at a screeching level by this point.
“No, it wasn’t all his doing. Jack wouldn’t have snapped at you if it was exclusively Pacey’s fault.” Audrey fiddled with her shirtsleeve, then picked up the chicken she left in the kitchen. “You know I’ll be there for you, hon. But I really don’t want to inflict any further damage on our mix-and-match hookups. So don’t even bother asking.” She walked out of the apartment.
Joey looked around at the remnants left from the night. The remains of the leftovers from Civilization. The fork Audrey dropped on the floor. The now-safely-open bathroom door. Only one person left in the room.
On some level, she knew she got what she deserved out of this ordeal. Maybe someday, the entire gang would be able to hang out together and all this would be considered ancient history.
However, here in the present she was stuck in the middle of two chapters of the book. What would come next was a mystery to her. Would the same characters even exist for later chapters? Would this room ever play a significant setting again? Joey had hoped it would and, unfortunately, she’d been correct.
* * * * *
Jack walked into the clam shack, hoping Shawn was still on shift. He had been walking in the torrential downpour for the past hour, not having any clue where to turn. Jack prayed that he was somehow meant to be at this destination for more than just the drying off.
Shawn looked up, taken aback by Jack’s appearance. He shook his head, guessing the person involved in his presence here, and waved Jack over to the back. Jack obliged, following Shawn to the back bathroom.
“Do I even want to know?”
Jack stared at the mirror in an attempt to avoid facing him, then realized looking at his own reflection wasn’t a good idea either at this moment. “I don’t know why. I have no idea.” He repeated over and over, shaking his head ever so often, getting water off as a side effect.
“Let’s try something simple. Why are you here? Surely, you have better things to do than meet me at work.”
Jack leaned against the sink. “I was thinking about how I never gave you a fair chance. We sort of went out on a date, but I have to admit that my mind wasn’t on it that night. Especially once Pacey popped up.”
Shawn nodded, though he wasn’t sure what was going on.
Jack continued, “If that hadn’t happened, could it have worked out? Between us?”
“We’ll never know. It’s not worth thinking about.”
“Come on, Shawn. I’m serious. Doesn’t it seem wrong to you?”
“What would the difference have been? I can guess we would have had some good talks and probably good sex. Then it would have fallen apart as the aforementioned issue slowly crept into the situation. Why belabor that point?”
“Because I think everything that’s happened with Pacey was a mistake and I’m trying to start over. There was never really a relationship so it wouldn’t be that difficult.” Jack hoped the tone of his voice wasn’t betraying what was happening in his head.
“I don’t think so. I’m not playing your second choice.”
Jack stood up so he and Shawn were eye-level. He knew that if he would do this, it had to be now. While he still believed this idea made sense. Jack took a deep breath then leaned forward and kissed him. His voice was caught in his throat as he hoarsely replied, “Think of it as a second chance.”
Shawn pushed him back immediately. “Forget it! Personally, I think it’s a bad sign when there’s several people who kiss me while pretending I’m the elusive Pacey.” Jack looked down, realizing that was probably true for the time being. Shawn grabbed a paper cup from the ledge and filled it with water, then handed it to Jack as a truce offering. “I am glad we met that night in the bar. What I should do is tell you to wait until I finish my shift because you shouldn’t be out in the rain. But since you’re already drenched and I’m not particularly interested in ruining a night out, I suggest you let yourself out the way you arrived. Later.”
Jack stared at the cup, the contents swirling as his hand was getting less steady. Sure, it had been a long shot but he hoped Shawn could provide a distraction. He muttered, “Just like he did the first time.” Even though he could also bitterly recall that it hadn’t worked then and it hadn’t worked now. He stepped out of the bathroom, watching Shawn back to work, then slipped out the front door.
* * * * *
Jack fumbled for his keys to Grams’, hoping he wouldn’t have to deal with any questions right now. He treaded into the living room and couldn’t believe when he saw Pacey sitting on the couch. Jack’s textbook was resting next to him.
Pacey picked up the book and awkwardly offered it to Jack. He murmured, “I thought you might need this.”
“You could have just dropped it off.” Jack accepted the book and set it on the coffee table.
Pacey shrugged, “You would just find ways to avoid me. So I figured I should race you back here. Little did I know you’d make a two-hour detour.” He tried to chuckle but no sound would come out.
Pacey was getting a little intimidated by Jack’s rather chilly demeanor. Either that or the damp outside air had come into the room when Jack entered. Even though the storm had recently stopped outside, it was clear that Jack had been caught in the previous downpour. His hair was flat against his head and the long sleeve T-shirt clung to him. Not that Pacey would complain about that last part.
“Won’t you make everyone suspicious?”
“Of what? News flash, McPhee. Everyone already knows!”
Jack did a double take, not sure he had heard Pacey correctly. He sat down to study Pacey’s face, wondering if he’d catch a smirk or a sly smile or anything to let Jack in on the joke. When Jack realized he was serious, he tried to rationalize what he heard earlier. “You were testing the waters with Joey, tiptoeing around the subject…”
“Do you know why I invited Jo in the apartment? I wanted to tell her everything. I hoped you’d back me up. Dawson and Jen knew… why you weren’t aware of that surprises me since Jen tells you everything. I figured Dawson would report to Joey at the following Sunday dinner so it wasn’t a question if if but when she’d be enlightened.”
“They…”
Pacey finished, “…saw us together when I stayed over.” There was something not quite right about something he’d just said and thought he’d call Jack on it. “How did you not talk to Jen?”
Jack looked down, realizing that he couldn’t completely blame Pacey for what happened. He mumbled, “Haven’t seen her much lately.”
“What did you say?” Pacey exaggerated putting his hand to his ear as if he couldn’t hear him.
“Maybe I avoided her.”
“Why would you do that? You thought I was the one who’s afraid. I’m not the only one.”
“I know I should have no reason. I don’t know why it’s so different.”
“I haven’t proven otherwise.”
Jack insisted, “You shouldn’t have to prove anything. I should just believe you.”
Pacey stood up and walked over to the coffee table, where alongside the textbook was a CD. He picked it up, staring at the lettering. Still said D+J. He visualized extending one line on it so he could forget about the source. “Something drove me back to this CD. Maybe because Jen hadn’t lectured him about his bad taste yet.” He offered a lopsided grin. “So while I was waiting for you to get back her, I started listening. As I said before, most of it was sentimental trash. I really annoyed Jen with my version of ‘Heaven’ so she threatened to take it back.” Jack motioned for him to get to the point. “Right, stop babbling. Why am I doing that, anyway? I can’t even remember my point because you keep looking at me like that.”
“You mean appearing irritated throws you off?”
Pacey shook his head, “Not that. I wanted to connect this stupid song,” raising the CD case, “to what I wanted to say. Then you actually turn up and it all seems silly.”
Jack leaned back on the couch, with a wide smile on his face. He insisted, “I want to hear this.”
“What?” Pacey was puzzled by Jack’s reaction, to say the least.
“I want to see you squirm. Were you planning a serenade? Were Jen and Dawson supposed to witness this?” Jack waved his arms around to indicate a large crowd.
Pacey grumbled under his breath and closed his eyes, knowing that he’d met his match. “You’re so fucking lucky that this was supposed to be sweet. You’ll be apologizing for treating me this way. You want them to hear this? Fine.” He walked to the staircase and was about to call up but Jen popped up from the kitchen, laughing.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this. Dawson told me to tell you that he doesn’t want to hear any of it. He stayed in the attic.” Jen sat down next to Jack on the couch. “You may proceed.”
“No,” Pacey wailed as he leaned against the edge of the table. “I take back what I just said. Are you deliberately trying to destroy this? That’s it, forget it.”
“Ah, come on and face it, Pace. You’re not getting out of this. I’ve had to hear this song for the past hour. You’ve already wrecked it for me, why should Jack be unaware?” Jen giggled, causing Jack to bite his lip to keep from laughing.
Jack stared at Pacey, head hung low while waiting for the snickers to subside, and could see that this wasn’t a joke. When Pacey felt someone’s eyes on him, he looked up and was trapped in Jack’s gaze. How could he walk away now while those green eyes were watching him? He’d be haunted with that image many more times in the future if he didn’t do this now.
Pacey took a deep breath before saying in a low voice, “Did you expect to kiss me one time, while looking at me with the same eyes ever again?”
Jack raised a questioning eyebrow, then turned to Jen. She offered a quick smile, then patted Jack on the knee as she got up to leave the room. When she was behind Pacey, Jen mouthed, “Shut him up,” then rushed out, making sure to pick up the CD on the way.
In something resembling a singing voice, Pacey continued, “So come on and face it, it’s time that we say it.” Jack stood up and approached him.
Jen set up the CD on the sound system in the next room and had volume on low before running upstairs to leave them alone. When Pacey heard it playing, he smirked, “I guess that means even Jen couldn’t tolerate my singing any longer.”
I know you've been sworn
I read your complaint
you're needing someone older
and though I've been warned to live day by day
there's something taking over
“I think she didn’t want to give me a reason to cover my ears.”
“Am I that bad?”
Jack grinned, “Yes, you are. You can cross the line whenever you want to.”
Pacey shook his head, amazed that Jack just said the next line he was supposed to sing. “Ah, fuck. You knew the song?”
“Apparently, Dawson didn’t just swipe from Jen’s collection. Although I reckon you’ve ruined that damn song forever.” Jack settled his hand on Pacey’s cheek. “Just like you’ve ruined me.” He tilted his head and softly kissed Pacey on the lips.
Pacey pulled away from the kiss, but only a couple of inches from him. “So have we finally settled on this solution?”
Jack peered at him, noticing Pacey was kidding around. “Yeah, I guess so,” he joked. “If that means never hearing that again.”
“Just for that, you deserved what I gave you,” Pacey leered, “Or what you’re about to get.” He threaded his fingers through Jack’s hair, drawing his mouth back to where it should be. Jack opened his mouth enough to allow Pacey’s tongue entry. They were soon entwined in each other beyond simply their mouths. One of Jack’s hands roamed under Pacey’s shirt, desperately wanting to remove the material separating them. Pacey, meanwhile, rested his hand on Jack’s chest, the thin material of the still-wet shirt hiding little.
I understand I wasn't part of the plan
a dollar short, a minute early
but I am your man
so come on and face it
so come on and face it
it's time that we say it
Jack breathed out, barely separating from him. “I think Grams will be coming home any minute.” The sound of a car, though not Grams’, racing down the street had interfered in the moment.
Pacey murmured, “Okay,” though not wanting to do anything about that statement.
“I’m serious.” Jack broke out of their embrace.
Pacey frowned at the distance between them. “Jack…okay, fine. I believe I have to get you back to my apartment since your car is still there. Now, I can refuse to make that trip, especially given that my place probably isn’t empty yet. There were still a couple of stragglers when I left.” At Jack’s confused expression, he explained, “Audrey’s eating all my food and Joey’s in hysterics, remember? I see only one answer.” He stripped off his shirt, revealing the wife-beater underneath, and used it to wave Jack in his direction up the stairs.
Jack went along with Pacey’s game as he followed him upstairs. “So if I agree to this…shit,” he exclaimed as he stumbled over something sitting on the top step. “Jen’s such a slob,” he muttered as he reached down to pick up a stray shoe and tossed it in her empty bedroom. When he turned back around, Pacey was resting against Jack’s door, amusingly watching the display.
Pacey asked, “Is this your way of distracting yourself? Because there is no way you should have been near that. Or maybe you had to fall over something because practically everything else that’s happened so far has been that way…”
let's bypass the bullshit and move on because
the minute hand moves faster than you think it does
and by no fault of yours and by no fault of mine
the bottom line is laying in the bed that we've been playing in tonight
you can cross the line whenever you want to
I'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
I'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now
it's what we are
John Mayer - “Love Soon“
Jack stared at him, not quite believing what he’d been seeing. After listening to his rambling for about a minute, he had to interrupt this. “Pacey?”
“Yes?” Pacey replied innocently, trying desperately to hide a smile, but his deep blue eyes were giving him away.
Jack walked up to him and seemed as if he was about to kiss him when he turned the door knob instead. “Did you drop that shoe there just so you could check me out?”
Pacey sneered, “I’ve been doing that all along. It’s about time you’ve finally noticed.” He punctuated that with a searing kiss as he led Jack into the bedroom.
the end
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