Louder than Words
April, 1969
The team had been working for four days putting the cabaret act together. Night and day. The nights weren’t so bad, but the days were getting long. Jim was pushing them to be ready as the principals they were after would all be in place soon.
Rollin marveled at Cinnamon’s ability to focus. She had too. She wasn’t sure she could pull this one off. Singing had never been her strong suit, but she was giving it her all. And Rollin was enjoying his onstage antics.
Barney had set up all of the recording equipment they would need and was working with Rollin trying to get his act down, as he would have to become Fritz, if they were going to pull this off.
Cinnamon and Willy watched from a table as Rollin and Barney traipsed about the stage. They had set up the warehouse to resemble the Traumerie Café from pictures they had obtained. They needed to be comfortable with the setting.
Willy laughed as he watched his teammates and shook his head. He was glad he had the easy part this time.
Cinnamon was staring at the glass of water that sat in front of her, not really hearing the goings on around her. Something had changed. They had all been so busy lately, it seemed Jim wanted them to live on airplanes. She couldn’t remember the last complete week she’d been able to relax in her own apartment. Their regular schedules were all off and it made things difficult for everyone. Barney tying to run his company, she, running hers and Willy, he was doing his best to keep his gym in the black. Of course, none of the schedule changes deterred Rollin. He loved every minute of it. Changing characters regularly. And they had not let it get in the way of their relationship. They still saw each other regularly, ‘outside of work’, as Rollin was fond of saying.
After Barney and Rollin finished, they joined the others at the table. “Well?” Rollin asked.
“It’s great!” Willy exclaimed.
Rollin looked over at Cinnamon, waiting for her praise. “Very nice, gentleman.” She said pushing her chair from the table, “if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get my things.”
Rollin stood quickly and held the chair for her. She smiled quickly at his kindness and left them.
“Rollin?” Barney asked, when she was out of earshot. “Is she okay?”
Rollin shrugged, “I don’t know. I think she’s concentrating too much on this one.”
“I know she’s nervous about this, but she’ll do fine.” Barney said.
Rollin nodded. “Guess we can call it a day, fella’s. I think our star needs to rest.”
Barney looked over at Willie as he stood.
“Just see that she gets some…rest, Rollin.” Willy interjected.
Rollin smiled at his friends. “I have nothing but her best interests at heart.”
Barney and Willy nodded “See you tomorrow, Rollin.” Barney said as he and Barney moved toward the door.
Rollin ventured backstage to find Cinnamon. She was standing at her dressing table fishing in her purse for her keys.
He moved behind her and put his hands gently on her hips. “You want to get some dinner?” He asked softly.
She looked down at the table and shook her head. “Not tonight. I think I just want to go home and have a long soak in a hot tub.”
Rollin smiled and kissed her neck. “I could do your back.”
She turned to face him and laid her hand against his cheek. “Not tonight, okay?”
He nodded against her hand. “Okay.”
She kissed him lightly. Turning from his embrace, she reached for her coat. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She left him standing there. He reached forward and grasped the back of her chair and looked at himself in the mirror. ‘Something’s wrong’ he thought to himself.
They all met the next day for the meeting that would finalize their plan. They were to fly to New York, then onto Europe. There they would then take the train into Germany to protect their covers. Fritz and Mona would be coming from Hamburg.
They checked into a small hotel in Hamburg, both tired from the long flights and thankful to have a little time to rest, before moving onto East European People’s Republic. They took separate rooms, but after a light dinner together, Rollin joined her in her room. They still had to make the tape they would need to push Scarbeck over the edge.
Rollin placed the tape recorder and microphone on the dresser. “Just where shall we do this?” He asked looking around the small room.
She looked at him. “We’re not supposed to do anything.”
He shot her a frown that made her laugh. She took a step closer to him and moved her hand up his chest. “Okay Fritz, what’s the plan?”
He smiled down at her. “I think we need to get warmed up first.” He said as he moved his hand under her hair, pulling her closer to him and claiming her lips.
She responded to the kiss, which didn’t surprise her. He affected her like no other man ever had. She’d been distant to him lately, not to push him away. She just began feeling the need for some space. Her mind was filled with ‘what ifs’ and if what she suspected, turned out to be true, then there would really be no going back.
The kiss lasted, until they parted breathless. She leaned against him as he took her into his embrace. He held her tight, something he hadn’t done in days.
“Let’s get this over with.” He said looking over her head at the bed.
She nodded against him and he released her.
He took the recorder and mic to the bedside table. He held out his hand to her and she joined him, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Ok Mona, here we go.”
He switched on the recorder. He remembered the first time they had played lovers on a mission and had ‘cut’ a similar tape. They had come a long way since then. They continued the role-playing for a good fifteen minutes. Laughing, cooing, stroking one another. Rollin glanced at his watch and reached over to switch off the machine.
“That should give Barney more than enough time.” He said.
Her hand went back to the buttons of his shirt that she’d undone. He stilled her hands and brought them to his lips for a soft kiss. “Can…Rollin…stay?” He asked deliberately wanting her to know that he didn’t want to be Fritz any longer.
She looked into those blue eyes she dreamt of and sighed. “You make it difficult to say no.”
“You can always say no. I just don’t want you to.” He smiled that lopsided smile of his that he hoped would always get her.
She wasn’t ready to confess what she suspected, yet. The mission was important and she would not let her personal feelings interfere with that. But how could she refuse him after the three years of their relationship. He would know that something was wrong. Maybe it would help her relax, she thought.
She unbuttoned another button and met his eyes again “Stay.”
They quickly undressed and slipped under the covers. She lay against him, relaxing into his warm embrace. He kissed her forehead and lovingly stroked her arm.
“You’re gonna do fine, but you really need to relax.” He said softly. “Once they get one look at you, they’re not gonna care what you sing.”
She smiled against his chest, it wasn’t exactly a compliment but she knew he understood her hesitancy at even doing the part. He and Jim had both had to convince her to do it.
“Rollin, can I ask a silly question?”
He looked at her. “Sure. What?”
“How long do you think you will keep doing this?”
“Doing what?” He said with a smile.
She moved up on her elbow to look down at him. “The company.”
“You trying to tell me something?” He asked, knowing she how well connected she was in ‘the company’.
She shook her head. “No. I was just wondering. What do you want to do, after?”
He placed his hand behind his head, looking up at the ceiling, “Act, write, direct…”
“Anything else?” She asked softly.
He nodded and reached to touch her cheek. “You.”
“You’re sweet.”
He nodded as he rolled onto his side to face her. “What’s with all the questions?”
She lay back against her pillow. “I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking this week.” She replied as his lips went to her neck.
“You think too much.” He said, his hands moving across her.
She closed her eyes to let him work his magic on her. His kisses usually moved something deep within her, making her whole body tingle. Tonight it was different. His whispers and touch weren’t affecting her as they usually did. She felt removed. She just wasn’t there.
He was trying to entice her but he could tell it wasn’t working. He moved his lips from her breast to her lips. “Cin…” He said. “What’s wrong?”
Their lovemaking was always good; in fact he considered it great on most occasions. But he could tell something was wrong. She wasn’t responding to him and it bothered him.
She turned her face from his. “I’m alright.”
He pulled her face back to face him. “No, you’re not.” He said.
“I’m just tired.”
“That’s not it, either.”
She looked up at him. “Rollin, please...”
“Just tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong…”
“You asked me to stay and I’m here. If you didn’t want me to be here with you, just say so.”
She sighed. “It’s not…”
“It’s not what?” He was getting irritated.
“I want you to be here. I guess I just have a lot on my mind. You know this whole thing scares me.”
He disengaged himself from her. “No, it’s more than that, I know it.”
She sighed again as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed.
“We have a very long day tomorrow. Can’t we just get some sleep?”
He stood and grabbed his pants and shirt from the floor and put them on. “Maybe that’s a good idea. I’m obviously not wanted here.”
He picked up his shirt and shoes and moved for the door.
“Rollin…” She called after him.
He closed the door behind him and she sighed as she lay back down and pulled the sheet over her.
She heard a soft knock on the door, ten minutes later. She covered herself with the sheet as he slowly opened the door and stuck his head in. “You asleep?”
“No.”
He moved around the door and to the edge of the bed. “My bed is cold.”
She reached up and ran her hand down his arm. “Then come back.” She said softly.
He looked down at her as he sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry. I know this is a tough one for you.”
She nodded. “Stay Rollin.”
He removed his shirt and pants and moved back beside her and brought her into his embrace. “I don’t deserve you.” He said kissing her forehead.
She sighed, “I think you can stay a little longer.”
“Thank you.” He said pulling her tight against him.
The assignment was completed successfully and Rollin and Cinnamon returned to Los Angeles with their teammates a short few days after leaving. They arrived at her apartment about nine p.m. They been somewhat distant since the scene in the hotel room, but Rollin was trying his charm once again.
“May I fix us a night cap?” He said after placing her case in the bedroom.
She was flipping though the mail that had been left for her. “Sure.” She shrugged.
Rollin moved to the bar and fixed them each a drink, the usual cognac after a long flight to relax. She moved to the sofa to sit, dropping the mail on the coffee table.
He joined her, handing her a glass of the amber liquid. “There you are.”
“Thank you.”
He touched his glass to hers and moved his arm behind her on the couch.
“Sure is good to be back.” He said having a sip
She nodded, watching the liquid swirl the in the glass. “Yes, it is. I hope we get a little break now.”
His hand went her shoulder, caressing her. “Is that’s what’s been wrong. You want a vacation?”
She smiled softly, “I’m just feeling a little worn down. Neither of us have had much time lately.”
“We could ask Jim to give us a couple of weeks off. We could get away.”
She shook her nodded. “That’s not it, Rollin. I have plenty to do here.”
He drew her a little closer. “You mean you don’t want to go away with me?”
“I didn’t say that. I mean that I have responsibilities here.”
He nodded and smiled, moving to her for a kiss, which she accepted. That made him feel better, after a nearly a week of being separated from her.
The kiss intensified and she slowly let go of her nagging thoughts regarding her dilemma.
Early the next morning she slipped from bed, leaving him asleep. She moved into the living room. She’d wrapped herself in a favorite bathrobe. She took a cigarette from the box on the coffee table and sat on the sofa, looking at the sun that was just coming up.
She held the cigarette and sat there thinking about her situation. She knew Rollin loved her. He showed her often enough. And she loved him. But, if what she suspected turned out to be true, things would change radically for them. She wondered just how he would handle the news.
The door to the bedroom opened and he emerged with his pants on and pulling his shirt on.
He smiled when he saw her. “You still on overseas time too?”
She smiled and nodded. He joined her on the couch. “Thanks for letting me stay.” He said softly, moving his arm around her. He pulled her close. “I’ve missed you.”
She moved forward and placed the unlit cigarette in the ashtray. “I’ve missed you too.”
“Hey, what’s going on with you? You have that look again.” He said reaching to caress her shoulder.
She took a deep breath and pulled the robe tighter around her. “I think I’m pregnant.” She said softly.
His hand stopped moving on her shoulder. “What? I thought...” He said, matching her tone.
She looked at her hands. “Nothing’s foolproof.”
“You’re not sure?”
She shook her head, no. “I’m two weeks late.” She said.
Rollin let out a long sigh. “God.”
He needed to move. He paced the room as she watched him. A million thoughts raced across his mind as he buttoned his shirt. ‘Why did this have to happen?’ He thought. They were having such a good time with each other and now…No. He couldn’t do it.
“How do you feel?” He asked watching her as he paced.
She shook her head. “I don’t know.”
The defeated tone was pronounced in her voice, and it stopped him cool. He saw his shoes on the floor, where he had left them last night, before he took her to bed. He slipped them on. “Cinnamon. I can’t do this, not now.” He said reaching for his coat.
She looked at him, the tears welling in her eyes.
He turned back to her at the door. “I’m sorry.” He said closing the door behind him and her tears began to fall.
The next day, Jim called with yet another assignment and Cinnamon was unable to keep an appointment with her doctor. The mission to break Colonel Kruger was tense at best. Not only were they had a very tight time schedule, but Rollin was keeping his distance. This time they were to play lovers again, but thankfully though their masks. That still did not make it easy.
Rollin usually kept fairly close to her on missions, if at all possible and in such a way that wouldn’t give them away. This time even Jim commented to Barney on the way home, if they were upset with each other. Barney passed it off as some tension for all of them as to the number of assignments they’d had of late and Cinnamon trying to hold together a career and business. He did notice that Rollin did help Cinnamon from the car when they arrived at the airport, but wasn’t his usual playful self with her.
Back in LA, Cinnamon wasted no time in visiting her doctor. After his examination and test results, he talked with her at length about what the future would hold for her.
As she left the office, she drove to Santa Monica and parked alongside the park above the Pacific Coast Highway. There she saw a number of mothers with their babies in strollers. What a change a child would bring to her life. She’d spent here adult life being a cover girl, having it all. Now that would end, at least temporarily. She did realize that the clock was ticking. She was soon to be thirty and if she did indeed want to have a family, she needed to do it soon. But was that what she wanted?
She considered her relationship with Rollin. He was charming, brave, fun and a good lover. But could he be a father and husband? Those were roles that were foreign to him she knew that. Did she want a husband? These where questions that she’d not considered until the doctor had given her the news.
More importantly, she would have to quit the IMF. She didn’t like the prospect. She loved her work with ‘the company’. It bought her great satisfaction, like nothing else she’d ever done.
She walked to the rail and looked out over the Pacific. Her eyes turned north toward Malibu. Why had he run? ‘He said he loved me’, she thought. That brought a tear to her eye.
The drive home was a little longer than usual. She half expected Rollin to turn up that day, but when he didn’t, she picked up the telephone the next afternoon.
“Good morning, Collier Electronics”
“Mr. Collier, please.”
“May I say who is calling and what this is regarding?”
“Cinnamon Carter and, it’s…it’s personal...” ‘That is an understatement’, she thought as she waited on the line.
In a few short moments, she heard a familiar voice on the other end of the line.
“Hi, Beautiful, what’s up?”
Cinnamon smiled for the first time in days. Barney was one of her closest friends, maybe the closest, as he alone knew all her secrets. He often served as her confidant and she desperately needed one right now.
“Sorry to bother you at your ‘day job’”, it was an old joke with them, “Do you have time for lunch?”
“Damn, no, I have a group in from Japan making a sales pitch and I can’t get out of it,” he knew she had been distracted throughout their recent mission to break Colonel Kruger, and figured she needed to talk.
“What about an early dinner? Paula and Grant are going to her sister’s tonight and I’m a free man!”
“That’s fine. I’m not really in the mood to go out though, I could cook…”
There was a long silence as Barney played into another old joke the friends shared. Cinnamon Carter had many talents, but culinary skills were not among them.
“How about carry-out?” they both said in unison.
Cinnamon laughed, “Fine. YOU can pick up Chinese. Just call when you’re on your way, ok?”
Barney showed up at her apartment around six-thirty with sesame chicken, fried rice and egg rolls. She fixed him a beer and herself an iced tea. They made small talk during dinner then moved to the patio after they had finished and Barney lit a cigarette. He offered one to Cinnamon, who refused.
“Ok, Cin, you gonna tell me what’s up or do I have to guess? You haven’t been yourself for the last couple of weeks.”
“Barney,” her eyes fell to her shoes as she continued, “I’m pregnant.”
There was a short pause as he thought of the right thing to say, or at least not the wrong thing.
“You don’t have to say anything….”, she smiled, trying to help him out of his dilemma.
His mind was racing and he knew he had to say something, “Cin….Are you sure?”
“Yes, I was pretty sure but went to the doctor yesterday.”
“Does Rollin know?” he asked as he moved to sit next to her on the chaise.
“Yes.”
“And?”
She took a deep breath before answering. “And…he ran.”
Shit, Barney thought to himself. He was hoping that was exactly what his friend had not done, but it didn’t wholly surprise him.
“Tell me everything.”
Cinnamon told him the short tale of her suspicions and telling Rollin.
“Cinnamon…you know him better than anyone. How did you expect him to react?”
“Barney, I knew he wouldn’t be thrilled, but he literally bolted out of here and I haven’t heard from him since. I guess I had hoped for a little more from him.”
“I’m sorry, Cinnamon. I love Rollin like a brother but he’s hardly Mr. Responsibility.” After a short pause, he continued, “How do you feel and what are you feeling?”
She still had trouble meeting his eyes. She knew Barney would not judge her but she was afraid if she looked at him, she’d cry, and she did not want to lose control.
“I feel fine, a little tired maybe,” and after a moment, “Barney, I didn’t plan this. The thought of having a baby honestly scares me more than anything I’ve ever been up against. I love Rollin and can’t think of anyone whose baby I’d rather have but if this is how he feels, I don’t need him to do this. I think I want to have this baby, with or without him.”
Barney smiled and put his hand on her shoulder. “Cinnamon, then I’m very happy for you and you know Paula and I will always be here when you need us. You’ll make a fantastic mother.”
“Thank you, I just always wanted my baby to have a father….”
With this information, Barney felt it his obligation to get some answers. He asked Rollin to meet him at his office.
Barney folded his arms, leaned back in his black leather desk chair and simply followed with his eyes as Rollin paced back and forth across his office. They clearly were not going to resolve this one quickly or easily.
Rollin inhaled sharply, as if he was going to launch into another tirade, but he seemed to think better of it and stopped pacing to stare out of the high-rise window.
Barney spoke softly but forcefully. “She didn’t come running to me and I didn’t summon you. I really did want to see if you wanted to have lunch. I thought you might want to talk about things.”
“I don’t know … how … what to say.” Rollin turned back to meet Barney’s eyes. “What did she say? I really hurt her, didn’t I?”
Barney rose with a soft smile, “Come on, let’s get some lunch.” He pulled his suit jacket off the back of his door and slipped it on. As they walked through the anteroom to his office Barney turned to his lead secretary.
“Mrs. Landingham, I need to be out of the office for a few hours. I’ll still make the Product Review, but would you please re-schedule the rest of my afternoon?”
“Of course, Mr. Collier.” Marge Landingham smiled. It was not the first and certainly it wouldn’t be the last time she dealt with a change in her boss’s plans. A few hours was nothing – she even had a routine for re-jigging entire weeks while keeping Collier Electronics running smoothly in the absence of its founder.
“And please call Eduardo and see if he has a table in the courtyard for a late lunch. We’re on our way.” Mrs. Landingham was dialing before Rollin followed Barney out of the door.
The elevator brought them swiftly to the ground floor. The Santa Ana winds were hot and dry as they left the air-conditioned sanctuary and crossed the busy plaza. Rollin pulled his shades from his lapel pocket and slipped them on.
Eduardo greeted Barney warmly and escorted them to a table in the courtyard protected from the fierce April winds, but in the warm spring sunshine. Both men tossed jackets aside and loosened ties. “Dos Coronas, Senor?”
Barney saw Rollin’s nod, “Si, gracias. Rollin, you happy with the steak fajitas?”
“Yeah, sure, and some guacamole.” Rollin pushed the lime wedge into the beer and brought the long-necked bottle to his lips for a long pull. He enjoyed the sunshine on his cheeks and closed his eyes as he tipped his head back. When he tilted his head down and opened his eyes, he met Barney’s through the tinted lens of his ray-bans. “Barn, I think I really messed this up.”
Barney was sympathetic. “What’s Cinnamon want to do?”
“She didn’t … I didn’t stick around long enough for her to tell me.” Rollin shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I was a real shit, Barney.”
“You need to talk to her. Find out what she wants.”
Rollin exploded, “What about what I want?”
Barney remained calm. “Alright, what do you want?”
“Her – back – the way it used to be.”
“That’s not one of your options. If she wants this baby – your baby – that’s not an option.”
“I’m pretty sure she wants the baby.” Rollin finished the beer and signaled for another. “What’s it like?”
Barney knew he meant fatherhood. “Terrifying.”
Rollin laughed, “Thanks, I appreciate your encouragement.”
“You know I won’t lie to you. It’s terrifying. It’s also exhilarating. There’s nothing I’ve done that’s makes me feel as proud as being a father.”
“Yeah, but you wanted to do it.”
Barney shook his head emphatically. “Not at first. I got an ultimatum from Paula.”
Rollin’s eyebrows rose involuntarily. Barney continued, “It was one of the smartest things she made me do – right up there with marrying her.”
Both men laughed. The story of Barney and Paula’s courtship was part of their lore as a couple. Rollin had heard both partner’s version of the tale of college sweethearts who separated at graduation for Barney to devote himself to his business, only to reunite when Paula relocated to LA five years later to track him down for a whirlwind three week romance resulting in marriage. Rollin adored Paula and had no doubt that the high-spirited civic activist was great for Barney. Their son Grant was a year old.
“She made you do it?” Rollin asked, still surprised by his friend’s admission.
Hey, I enjoyed doing it, it was the actual getting pregnant part she insisted on.” Eduardo served their lunch. “Rollin, there’s never a good time. It never feels right. You just do it and it works out.”
Rollin was incredulous. Barney was a man he saw as the ultimate control freak– the supreme controller of outcomes – throwing his fate into the wind. “You just … went for it.”
“I didn’t want to lose her. Rollin, I know it all seems crazy, but it’s simple really. Do you love her?”
“Barn-“
“See, simple. You love her more than you imagined you could love a woman.”
Rollin smiled and nodded.
“Do you love her enough?”
“Whaddya mean?”
“Do you love her enough to do this for her?”
The lunch ended with Rollin understanding a little more about fatherhood and marriage.
Rollin returned to his house on the beach and walked the white sand, thinking. Was it about what he wanted, about what she wanted or some of both. Damned hard questions to answer. His mind wondered back to the hotel in Hamburg. What if that was a sign of what was to come. He shook his head, no; it had to be because she knew that if she’d told him of the baby then, they might have jeopardized the entire mission. She was good, very good.
He knew he loved Cinnamon, he’d told her that more than once. He had even tried to stay faithful to her, but had failed there, too. Is that what this was, a failure? He wasn’t accustomed to that, but then neither was she.
Rollin spent some time trying to sort though his feelings about the situation that had presented itself. On Wednesday, he called Barney and asked him if he would try and get Cinnamon to meet him. Barney agreed and called him back to be at his house at seven o’clock the on Thursday evening.
He pulled up at seven, parking next to Cinnamon’s car, noticing that the hood was still warm. It seemed she wasn’t anxious, either.
Barney opened the door just as he was about to knock. “Hey. Figured you be on time.”
Rollin smiled at his friend and followed him to the den. Cinnamon was sitting on the sofa. Paula was handing her a glass of water, she looked up as the men entered.
“Hello Rollin.”
“Hi Paula.”
Barney gave Rollin an encouraging slap on the back, “We’ll be in the garage. My dear wife doesn’t understand the need for oil changes it seems.”
Rollin smiled as Paula followed Barney to the garage. “Now just a minute…” She said following him. They heard the door shut soundly.
Rollin took a tentative step toward her “Hi.” He said softly.
She didn’t meet his eyes. “Barney said you wanted to talk.” She said coldly.
She was cold. He slowly closed the distance between them, trying to come up with the right words to warm her. He sat on the edge of the sofa beside her. She was focused on the glass of water she held.
“I don’t…. I’m …” He sighed, he hadn’t rehearsed his lines. “Can you ever forgive me?” He said finally.
She shook her head and a small voice emerged. “I don’t know.”
Rollin reached for the glass to move it to the table. He reached for her hands, which she resisted. “Cinnamon, I am so sorry. I was wrong and acted like a complete ass. I wasn’t ready for the news. I didn’t know what to do.” He paused. “Please, find someway to forgive me. What can I do to make this right?”
“You’re sorry!” Her voice harsh as she rose quickly from her place on the sofa. “How could you do that to me, Rollin!”
He watched her as she turned to face him. Cinnamon was mad and he was about to be on the receiving end. He looked at his hands.
“You ran.” She said accusingly.” How do you think that made me feel?”
He took a breath, but could not meet her eyes.
She turned away from him. “I didn’t plan this Rollin. But it is something I have to deal with.”
He stood and looked at her as she stood facing the fireplace. “I want to help you deal with it, Cin.”
She turned back to him. “How! By running away?” She was amazed at his statement. “Do you really think you can deal with this Rollin? Your first reaction was to run. How do I know I can depend on you to be there?”
Rollin looked at her. “You can always depend on me.” He said softly.
“Since when? The last time I needed you, you nearly knocked the door down leaving.”
Her words stung but he knew he deserved it. He looked down and sighed, then slowly met her eyes. “Believe me, I know what I did. And how wrong I was.”
“Do you?” She said, crossing her arms in front of her.
He nodded, “I know it’s my responsibility too.”
“Yes it is,” She softening a bit.
He reached for her shoulders, but she turned from him. “No, Rollin. You’re not going to be able to charm your way out of this one.”
“I don’t want to.” He said, softly.
She stopped.
“I love you Cinnamon. I know what I did was wrong, but it came from outta nowhere. I wasn’t prepared.”
“Do you think I was? Unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of running away.”
He sighed again. “Well at least you had some indication. I did not. Hell, we had just slept together. What did you expect me to do?”
“Stay.” She turned back to the fireplace.
He looked down at the floor. “I guess you’re never gonna forgive me, are you?”
She turned to face him, meeting his eyes. “You hurt me.”
“I know.” He said with a defeated sigh. He reached for her hands.
“Don’t do it again.” She continued to look at him and her tone left nothing to misinterpretation.
“I won’t. I promise.” He said with firm commitment.
Cinnamon’s eyes were moist. Her emotions were raw. She’d been though a number of scenarios over the last few days, both with and without him. She knew that he might try but somehow she knew it was a promise he would most likely break.
“I will do anything for you, Cin, you know that, just tell me what to do.” He said rubbing her hands between his. “Do you want to have the baby?” He asked.
She nodded as she watched their hands entwining.
He smiled. “So do I.” He added softly.
“You do?” She said, curiously.
He nodded. “A little girl with your style and my talent will be something.” He said with a grin.
She had to smile. His ego never wavered. “You make it sound simple.”
He cocked his head toward her, “We’re never made anything simple, but it might be fun.”
She looked down at the floor. “What about Jim?” That bothered her. Jim had let them continue their relationship, although it was forbidden. She knew he had plans for her, big plans. Now, that would end.
Rollin tilted her chin up to him. “We’ll tell him, he’ll understand.”
She turned away from him.
“Here,” he said reaching into his jacket pocket. “I found something for you.” He placed a small book in her hands.
She looked at the cover. ‘Baby‘s Secrets’ She looked at him and his eyes went to the book. She opened it to the first page. He’d inscribed it-‘Let’s figure them out together’-R. With that, the tears that had been just below the surface ran down her cheeks. He gathered her in his arms, “I do love you Cinnamon and I want us to have the baby.”
She sniffed back her tears against his shoulder. “I’m scared, Rollin.”
“So am I.” He said pulling her a little tighter.
THE END
Elena Vorska
Betsy Nicholas
Christine Zensky
May, 2001