I haven’t worked harder at hiding my real feelings in nearly a year. Since I was last on a mission.
Cinnamon kissed her daughter once again before meeting Rollin and Maria at the door to the nursery.
“We’ll be fine. You have a nice time.” Maria reassured her.
Cinnamon nodded and looked back at Jennifer as she lay in her crib. She’d just gone down for a nap.
“Come on, Cin. Maria will take very good care of her.” Rollin explained as he reached for her hand.
She looked at Maria. “You have the phone number.”
Maria nodded. “Yes. Now go.” They had tried for two weeks to get Cinnamon to leave Jennifer overnight.
I need to do this for Rollin. For us. He needs to know I still want him. I need to show him I am still a lover, his lover, not just a mother. Our sex life hasn’t suffered really. Maybe I’m over-reacting to what Paula said. Maybe I need to be more … forthcoming with Paula. I’ve never really admitted that great sex is the foundation for my relationship with Rollin. Well, she’d say all the more reason to keep it great. Thank goodness for Paula.
Paula had finally convinced her that it was time for her to leave the baby and spend some time with Rollin without the ever-present requirements of a newborn. Rollin was looking forward to it. They had always enjoyed Cliffside. When she had actually said yes, he phoned Stan immediately to arrange a special night for them.
I guess I am looking forward to it. It will be a relaxed, romantic weekend. We can focus just on each other for a change. He awakens my body when I’m with him. He gives me so much of his energy. It was fun shopping for new lingerie. I know he’ll like the lace on my breasts. I love the way he makes me feel. I’m starting to tingle just thinking about the way he will touch me, stroke me, caress me. It will be okay.
Rollin pulled her from the room. He knew this was going to be hard for her, but he was determined to give her a pleasurable night. He grabbed their bag as they headed for the door to the apartment. Cinnamon was behind him and pausing only to get her purse.
She looked back at Maria and gave her a tense smile. Maria shoed them off as Rollin opened the door.
They climbed in his convertible and Cinnamon wrapped a scarf around her hair. She girded herself.
I can do this. I have organized great child care. Maria adores Jennifer. Everything they could ever need is in the apartment. Paula is on standby if she is needed as backup. I can be away for one night. I can do this.
Can I do this?
Her tears started as they turned onto Pacific Coast Highway. Rollin quickly produced a fresh handkerchief and pulled her tight against his shoulder.
“I’m sorry.” She said, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Its okay, Sweetheart.” He said kissing her hair.
He tried to comfort her, pulling her close as he drove. It was a glorious Southern California day, perfect for the short drive up the coast. He had tuned in a jazz station. It was just past noon and the traffic was light.
I hope he can’t feel the cold that is taking over my insides. Am I stiff to his touch? He’s seen the tears, but I don’t want him to know how hard this is for me. He thinks I’m so strong. I used to be. Jennifer changed all of that. I wish she were with us. I want the three of us to be together. I feel empty.
He knew that she would have a difficult time with leaving the baby. Just getting her out of the house with the baby had been hard work. They had made their first outing with Jen to a gathering at the Colliers a few weeks ago. Once they had overcome that obstacle, she was a little more willing to leave the apartment. With Rollin committed to the play every evening but Sunday, they had time to play with Jen in the afternoons. So, they began going to the park and strolling along the promenade in Santa Monica.
When Cinnamon had started bottle feeding as well as breast-feeding, Jennifer got into a more regular schedule. Rollin admitted he missed watching them breast-feed. That was special to him, seeing Jennifer and Cinnamon bonded together. But he was always ready to give a bottle to Jen and it made him feel more a part of things now. At least now the baby wasn’t totally reliant on Cinnamon. He had persuaded her to let Maria babysit on Sunday evenings and enjoyed taking Cinnamon out on dates again.
She’d only just gone back to work at her modeling agency. The first day was really tough. She hadn’t told Rollin that she sat in the car for half an hour and cried before she could go in and face her staff. She had called Maria a half dozen times by the time she decided to leave the office. She had started with only half days but had finally gotten to full days just a couple of weeks ago.
Rollin had just finished the run of the play and was looking forward to some film work, either in New York or LA, depending on what was being offered. He was ready for a challenge. He pulled Cinnamon tight as he maneuvered through the twists and turns of the highway as they approached the turn-off for Cliffside. He could tell she was pensive. He needed to change her mood and quick.
I know my fears are irrational. Maria loves Jennifer like her own child. She would never allow anything to happen to her. She’d do everything in her power to protect her … but if something happens to Maria…What if something happens to us? Driving is dangerous. That would be ironic – we survive international espionage but not the California freeways. I need to talk to Bennett. I need to make arrangements. My breasts ache. I wish she were here.
They turned down the tree-lined drive and pulled in front of the main house. Rollin turned to her and gave her a smile and tilted her chin to him for a quick kiss.
“You want to call Maria?” He asked. She nodded, as she removed the scarf from her head.
Why am I so scared? I was never this scared as a spy. Everything feels so much more dangerous now. Rollin’s not scared. He doesn’t see the risks inherent in everything we do. He is so carefree.
He moved from the car and she followed after him. He grabbed their bag from the back seat and together they climbed the stairs of the main house.
Inside they found Stan at his post. “Hello there!” He called as they came through the door. Rollin’s smile came quick at his greeting. “Hey Stan.”
He followed Cinnamon to the desk. “My Cinnamon, you are looking lovely.”
She dipped her head so he might not notice her red eyes. “Thank you Stan…it’s nice to be back.”
I wish Jennifer were with me.
“Where’s Margaret?” Rollin asked as his arm moved around Cinnamon.
“Right here,” She called, coming through from the office. “Nice to have you two back with us.” She said coming to Stan’s side. She could see Cinnamon was a bit distraught. “Cinnamon, you do look wonderful.” She said moving to embrace her.
“Thank you Margaret.” Cinnamon replied automatically, accepting her welcome.
“How is Jennifer?” The older woman asked.
“She’s fine.” Cinnamon said softly.
“She’s terrific!” Rollin added.
Cinnamon swallowed back the rush of tears she felt coming. Margaret patted her hand, gently. “The first time away is always hard, but she’ll be fine, you’ll see.”
Cinnamon nodded and reached for Rollin, slipping her hand around his arm.
“Want to see the latest pictures?” Rollin asked, opening his wallet. Stan and Margaret moved closer to admire baby photos.
He is always surprising me. I had no idea he had so many pictures of Jennifer in his wallet. He is so proud of her. He’s beaming, radiating the love he feels for her. My man of surprises. He does love her, us.
Stan reached behind him to the rack of keys, pulling one away. “Here’s number three for you.”
“Thanks Stan.” Rollin said, taking the key. He glanced at Cinnamon. “Shall we?”
Cinnamon nodded. “See you later.” She spoke softly to Stan and Margaret.
Rollin moved his arm around her waist as they moved off together.
Stan and Margaret watched as they left through the French doors that exited to the porch.
“Poor thing.” Margaret said. “She’ll be up all night worrying.”
Stan smiled, “She may be up all night, but it won’t be for worrying.”
“Stanley Chalmers!” Margaret exclaimed.
Stan chuckled, pulling her close to kiss her cheek.
Rollin and Cinnamon went to the familiar cabin, nestled in the trees high above the beach. Rollin took in the rejuvenating salt air.
He closed the door behind them as Cinnamon went to phone. She dialed as he put the case on the chest at the end of the bed. She got Maria immediately.
He listened to her side of the conversation, hoping it would reassure her. He thought it funny that he did not feel the same way about leaving Jen. She had been the center of his universe for the past months, but he was happy to have Cinnamon all to himself.
Cinnamon hung up the phone as he moved toward her. He gathered her in his arms. “Everything okay?” She nodded against him. “She’ll be fine and so will you.” He said wrapping his arms about her.
Cinnamon steeled herself against the feelings she felt surfacing again. She knew she had to get through this. Paula had told her how hard it would be, but she needed to do it. Paula knew how difficult it had been for her to make that initial party they had attended. She also told her that some time alone with Rollin away from Jen would do them both good. Normally she looked forward to spending time alone with Rollin, but it was different now. Would things ever go back to the way they were?
She looked up at him. “Thanks for making me do this.”
He nodded and pulled her back to him and held her. “I just want to take care of you.”
“You do.” She said softly.
He looked down at her and tilted her chin up and kissed her softly. “How bout a walk to stretch our legs?”
She looked up into his calm blue eyes. “Sounds perfect.”
He smiled down at her. “You first.” He said with a nod toward the bathroom.
She chuckled as she moved away from him.
Soon they were walking hand in hand on the beach, enjoying the air and rush of the water at their feet. They didn’t talk, they just were.
I know he just wants me to be happy. He also wants me to be his and his alone the way it used to be. He doesn’t begrudge Jennifer for taking my time. He doesn’t begrudge me. But he wants me to have all the energy, passion, and focus for him I used to give him. Where is that supposed to come from?
After their walk they returned to the cabin. Rollin made them a drink and they sat in the small front porch swing that Stan had installed since their last visit.
It is nice to relax. It’s so peaceful here.
Cinnamon leaned against him as they swung back and forth enjoying the calm of their surroundings. “Feeling better?” He asked as he moved her away from him, putting his legs on either side of her.
She murmured “Yes,” and leaned back against his chest.
He wrapped his arms around her. “We really should come up her more. I miss it.”
She nodded again as his hands stroked her arms. “I remember the first time you brought me here.”
He smiled. “That was an overnighter too.”
She chuckled. “Things have changed for us since then, haven’t they?”
He kissed her hair. “Yeah, all for the better.”
She pulled his arms tighter around her acknowledging her agreement. Soon his hands found their way under her blouse and she shifted to lean her head against his shoulder.
“I’ve missed it just being us.” He confessed softly.
“We haven’t had much time lately, have we. But you can’t say it’s been boring.”
He smiled. “It’s never boring with you.”
“Charmer.” She smiled as she reached to kiss him.
As the sun sank below the tree line their kisses grew more passionate. She broke off the kiss. “We should take this inside…”
He met her eye and followed her up from the swing.
I want him. I want to feel him wanting me.
Inside she unfastened the last of the buttons of her blouse letting it fall to the floor behind her. He followed her watching her move, taking in every motion. He followed her lead, pulling his shirt overhead, letting it join her blouse.
As she found the edge of the bed she stopped and tugged her pants and lace panties from her hips, stepped out of them and turned to him, as he kicked off his trousers.
He ran his hands down her arms, taking in the feel of her skin, as he pulled her close. He kissed her hungrily and her lips parted under his, their tongues dancing together in anticipation.
Her hands moved underneath his boxers down his backside, teasing him. “Forget something?” She said coyly.
His hands went to his hips and the boxers disappeared. He kissed her throat as she leaned away from him and he slowly pushed her back to the bed.
She sighed as he kissed his way down her body, teasing her nipples, his hands caressing her legs. “You are beautiful.” He whispered as he kissed her navel.
She met his eye as he looked up at her and she scooted further back onto the four-poster bed. He followed her, kissing her kneecaps as she moved.
He moved to face her moving her hair from her forehead as he kissed her. Her arms circled his neck as the kiss deepened.
He broke off the kiss with a sigh. “Tonight we don’t have to hurry. Its just you and me.”
She smiled and caressed his cheek, bringing him back to her.
I can let go. I’m safe with him.
He trailed kisses down her jaw to her ear. His warm breath gave her goose bumps as his hands gently caressed her, his fingers stroking her breasts, his lips suckling her nipples gently. He remembered when she was first breast-feeding Jen and his insatiable curiosity got the best of him. He had to know. She’d protested, but even as gentle as he was, her body responded to him. Tonight he was only interested in pleasing her and helping her to relax, something that she didn’t get often enough.
She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing more but enjoying her lover’s touch. She held his head as he kissed her breasts then he purposefully kissed his way downward, across her now flat tummy, across to each hip.
His right hand moved down the inside of her leg, stroking her inner thigh and pushing her legs apart. His left hand moved to her neck and she turned her head to him and he kissed her deeply, parting her lips under his, as his right hand moved between her legs. She sighed as he touched her. His finger moved inside her and his tongue began the same rhythm as his finger. She shuddered from the pure sensation of him touching her. He broke off the kiss and retraced his path, slowly tantalizing her with each kiss.
Touch me with your tongue. There. Yes.
He moved between her legs without changing his motion inside her. He kissed her abdomen and worked his way across her mound and then replaced his finger with his tongue. Her whole body shook as his tongue danced inside her. Her hands grabbed the bedspread and a delighted moan escaped her. She was lost in the pleasure. She was his.
Her hips joined in his motion against her and her orgasm came fast. “Oh…Rollin!” She called as she was plunged into a world of ecstasy he was helping to create.
How can I make it good for him? What does he want? He loves to know he has the power to do this to me. That he is the only man who touches me like this and the only man who makes me feel this way. That I am his. That’s what he wants.
He kissed his way back across her stomach and back up to her breasts. Her hands caressed his head as he moved back across her. His lips found hers and he kissed her deeply. She drew his tongue inside her mouth, sucking it. He moved his hard organ against her, drawing another throaty moan from her.
She broke off the kiss. “I want you Rollin…” She pleaded.
He pressed into her, smoothly, quickly and bringing another shudder from her. “Oh yes…” She called.
He kissed her gently as he began to move inside her. Her arms wrapped around him as he moved with her.
They began their comfortable rhythm as he pleased her with long strokes in and out of her. She opened her eyes and watched him moving above her and gave him a husky sigh.
“You’ll always be the one for me.” He said as he bored into her.
She smiled and her head went back against the pillow and he kissed her throat.
His breath was coming short as he reached his peak and she trembled beneath him as he released inside her with a deep moan.
She pulled him tight against her as they once again felt that rush of pleasure they alone shared.
His head shagged to the pillow. “That was great.” He whispered as he caught his breath.
“Hmmm…” She was her contented only response.
I can do it. He takes me away from everything else. All I can think about is the heat he creates inside me, the urgency, the need. Is it right? Shouldn’t I be with her? Are my needs for him so great I leave my own child? She needs me, more than he does, more than I need him. But I know she’s okay. I can do it.
They stayed locked in their intimate embrace both damp from exertion. He pushed himself above her and kissed her lovingly and withdrew from her, pulling her against his chest, to hold her as they dozed, contentedly.
Rollin lay against the pillows, watched Cinnamon sleeping peacefully beside him. His stomach gave a little growl. He was hungry. Cinnamon shifted beside him and he trailed a finger gently down her cheek. “Hungry?” He asked softly.
She moved her hand across his chest, not really responding, but he took it as an affirmative.
He reached over to the telephone and dialed the desk.
“Hey Stan.” He replied quietly. “Yeah, everything’s just perfect.” He said looking at Cinnamon’s face nestled against him. “I was wondering…” He chuckled as Stan finished his sentence for him. “Thanks, Stan.”
He replaced the receiver and kissed Cinnamon’s hair. “I think they’re on to us.”
Cinnamon eyes blinked open and she tilted her head to him to accept his lips.
Half an hour later, Rollin heard a soft knock at the door and he eased from the bed, not wanting to wake Cinnamon. He grabbed his boxers from the floor and slipped them on.
He went to the door and cracked it opened. Seeing no one on the porch, he looked down, finding a large tray and a silver wine bucket with a bottle of white wine on ice. He smiled. As usual Stan and Margaret had outdone themselves. He scooped up the wine bucket and set it inside on the table next to the door. Next he brought in the tray, balancing it on the edge of the table as he closed the door. He then took the tray to the table in front of the bay window across from the bed.
He set about his task of setting the table. Margaret had provided two dinners of grilled tuna and an assortment of steamed vegetables, fresh baked rolls and salad for them. It smelled wonderful as he recovered the plates. He lit the candle in the middle of the table with the pack of matches Stan had no doubt provided.
He crossed the room quickly for the wine and took two glasses from the small bar that was tucked in the corner of the room. He opened the wine and poured them each a glass. He took the glasses to the bed where Cinnamon still lay. He hated to wake her, but didn’t want the dinner to get cold. “Hey sleepy head.” He called softly as he sat beside her.
He smiled at her contented sigh as she turned to him. “I ordered for you.” He said holding out the glass to her.
“You did more than that.” She replied.
She took the glass from him as she sat up, pulling the sheet around her. He touched his glass to hers, and they sipped the woody chardonnay. “Stan has good taste.” Rollin commented, appreciatively.
She met his eyes. “What did Margaret send us?” She asked.
“Grilled fish.”
“Smells wonderful.”
He nodded. “It’s just waiting for you.”
He moved from his place beside her as she slipped out from beneath the sheet. His eyes took in her nude form as she moved past him to take a nightgown from their suitcase. He squeezed her hips as she lowered it over her head. “That’s gorgeous.” She smiled.
He picked up his shirt from the floor and pulled it on. He moved back to the table, pausing only to turn on the stereo as she wrapped herself in a silk robe to join him.
He pulled the chair from the table as she sat. He caressed her shoulder as he moved to sit across from her. He met her eyes with a smile as sat. They uncovered their plates and took in the aroma of the tuna and vegetables. They had a quiet dinner.
I need to be here with him mentally as well as physically. I can’t let my mind wander. I need to.
Rollin did his best to distract her from thinking about home and Jennifer. As he filled their glasses again toward the end of the meal, she looked at him. “What time is it?”
He glanced at the clock that sat beside the bed. “Eight thirty.”
“I should check on Jen.” She said moving from her chair.
He watched as she dialed the number quickly and it rang twice. Again he listened to the one-sided conversation. He knew Jennifer was in good hands and he knew Cinnamon trusted Maria with her life.
She hung up the phone and rejoined him.
“Okay?” He asked.
“She’s fine, just got finished with her bath.” She said softly, looking at her wineglass. “I should be there…” she added.
He moved from his chair and drew her into his arms. “Sweetheart, she’s fine. She needs to learn to be away from you too.”
“I know that…but she’s my baby.”
He pulled her to him and held her.
“It’s so hard.” She said against his chest.
He rocked her gently. “I know. I miss her too.”
She took a ragged breath. “Maybe we should go back.”
Rollin pulled her from him. “You know I’ll do whatever you want me too, but can’t we stay for a little longer, you might change your mind.”
I’m testing his patience on this one. He will do what I want, but he wants me to choose him. He needs me to put him first tonight.
She looked at him. She didn’t want to disappoint him, but she also wanted her child. She remembered what Paula told her, if she didn’t make it though the whole night it wouldn’t be a failure, but one day she would have to let go. “Maybe a little longer.”
He kissed her gently. “Thank you. Come here.” He said pulling her toward the fireplace. She took his hand and followed him.
He pulled her close and they began to sway to the sounds of Sinatra. He kissed her temple softly and sang along with Frank. “You’re just too marvelous, too marvelous for words.”
She smiled as he sang close to her ear. He was going to do his best to change her mind. They danced until the music ended and then stretched out on the bed, in each other’s arms, sharing a tender kiss.
He kissed her bare shoulder. “I love you.” He whispered.
She caressed his cheek and pulled him to her. They kissed softly and his leg moved between hers. He had changed her mind for the moment.
Rollin was a tireless lover. Tonight was no different. His kisses and gentle caresses soon brought soft moans from her. Soon they fulfilled each other’s desires and she slept, secure in his arms.
Cinnamon woke early in the morning. It was still dark out. If she listened closely she could hear the surf.
I can’t call Maria. It’s too late. Rollin would hear me. Jennifer sleeps like Rollin - without a care in the world, totally relaxed. I’m glad she got that from him.
We could start back. I could be there when Jen wakes up. Are they okay? They must be. Where is this anxiety coming from? Hormones? I wasn’t anxious when I was expecting. I know I’m over-reacting.
I was hardly ever anxious on missions. Yes, it was nervy, sometimes scary, but that kept me on my toes. If I was worried then it was with real cause. Now I’m worried about silly things – things unlikely to happen. Why? The IMF was exciting. There was always so much to think about and to plan. There was no time or place for anxiety. We just did it. I miss it. Desperately. But it’s not a job for a mother. I’d be a basket case on a mission now.
She moved Rollin’s arm from around her and moved from the bed. As she washed her face in the bathroom, she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She’d made it though the night with his amorous help. Her mind went back to LA. She felt a pull that was drawing her there. The day was dawning.
She returned to their bed and gently shook Rollin. “Rollin.” She called softly.
His eyes opened slowly. “Hmm...” His hand moved to her. “Hi.”
“It’s morning.”
“Already?” She nodded yes. He could see the anticipation in her eyes. “I can be ready in ten minutes.”
She leaned forward and kissed him softly. “Thank you.”
His understanding was immediate. He moved from the bed to the bathroom and she quickly pulled out fresh clothes from the suitcase.
When he returned, she took her small cosmetic case and clothes to bathroom. Rollin took a fresh shirt from the case and found his pants on the floor. He shook them out, thankful he was only driving back to LA. He pulled on the pants and clean shirt.
He turned off the stereo and looked out the window toward the ocean. It was a glorious sunrise. Cinnamon emerged from the bath and he turned to her. “It’s a beautiful morning.” He said.
She laid her things on the bed and moved to him. They embraced as she looked out the window.
“You know you are one strong woman.” He said. She looked up at him, puzzled. “You made it though a whole night away.”
“I had a little help, didn’t I?”
“That’s my job, isn’t it?”
She chuckled. “And you do it well.”
He bowed to her with a smile.
“Come on, take me home.”
He disappeared into the bath again with his shaving kit while she repacked their case.
True to form, they were walking up the path to the main house, hand in hand, within fifteen minutes.
“You don’t think Stan and Margaret will be upset at us for leaving early, do you.”
He squeezed her hand. “I think they’ll understand.”
They took the path to the front of the house, bypassing the lobby. Rollin opened the door for her and she climbed in as he tossed the bag in the backseat. He rounded the car and slid into the driver’s seat of his Mustang.
Rollin started the engine and leaned over toward Cinnamon. “Can we at least stop for coffee?”
She gave him a quick nod.
I made it.
From the window of the top floor of the main house, Stan and Margaret watched them as they disappeared down the drive.
“She made it.” Margaret said.
Stanley moved his arm about her and kissed her cheek.
THE END
Elena Vorska
Kristine Zensky
June, 2001